JosieMcCoy Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Who loves ya, Baby! Oh, you know the answer to that!!!! Happy Thanksgiving!!! Cheers! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 It's just a escape for her. And that's your ego speaking. She is fully invested in the past and seemingly always has been. By contrast, I'm fully invested in the present, our present, and what should be our future. I've always believed that in matters such as this, especially in relationships, the past has done its part to bring us together and should be gracefully retired; sometimes gratefully as well. She paid lip-service to that approach but clearly never subscribed to it. It has nothing to do with ego. It has everything to do with reality. She clings to a past I was never a part of. That's OK. I'm glad I wasn't. But that makes it akin to swatting at ghosts. Like running your head into a brick wall, it gets you nowhere. Link to post Share on other sites
Pyro Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Thats terrible news Curm. I do hope that whatever happens in the end is what is best for both you and her. The amount of time spent on here has nothing to do with how happy someone is in in their relationship, but I can only speak for myself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Cur, I am sorry to hear this news, especially this coming out today. I have no advice, just wanted to give ya a big hug. Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 She is fully invested in the past and seemingly always has been. By contrast, I'm fully invested in the present, our present, and what should be our future. I've always believed that in matters such as this, especially in relationships, the past has done its part to bring us together and should be gracefully retired; sometimes gratefully as well. She paid lip-service to that approach but clearly never subscribed to it. It has nothing to do with ego. It has everything to do with reality. She clings to a past I was never a part of. That's OK. I'm glad I wasn't. But that makes it akin to swatting at ghosts. Like running your head into a brick wall, it gets you nowhere. The present world is a very dangerous place than what she believes. How naive is she to relive her glory years?!!? It's over!!!! What is she gonna be the old 60 year old chick in the club? C'mon she needs to face reality. But hey if that's what she wants I say give it to her. Let her eat cake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. Link to post Share on other sites
littlekitty Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 C Lion... I'm so sorry to hear this news. I hope what ever happens you both come out of this happy. I admire your strength and you love for her. So much love that you would rather let her go, than constrain her to something that isn't making her happy. And you love youself enough to let go of something which perhaps will end up bringing you pain. We can all hanker for a past long gone. But I'm not sure losing you is going to give her what she thinks she wants. She thinks she wants this freedom again, but the past she's thinking of is way in the past. Time and the world have moved on, and she cannot recreate what is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I am not really surprised, people who spends so much time on boards like this one, cannot be happy in a committed relationship... it's just not possible.... I respectfully disagree with the above statement. I feel like my parents just announced they are getting a divorce. So sorry to hear about it Curm, I thought things were really good with you guys, the sage advice you give always suggests that. Obviously not so. I have no advice to give except be strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Originally Posted by Lizzie60 I am not really surprised, people who spends so much time on boards like this one, cannot be happy in a committed relationship... it's just not possible.... I respectfully disagree with the above statement. I feel like my parents just announced they are getting a divorce. So sorry to hear about it Curm, I thought things were really good with you guys, the sage advice you give always suggests that. Obviously not so. I have no advice to give except be strong. ...at Lizzie's post. This from a person who has made over 3,600 posts in seven months compared to my 2,900+ posts in a year and eight months. Then consider the source. What does she know about commitment that isn't dependent upon the payment schedule? But enough of her. It's not that things are necessarily "bad" per se, although admittedly, they've been better. It's more a case of not wishing to stand in the way of the possible increased happiness of someone I love. Perhaps it's best summed up in the oft quoted, anonymous wisdom, "If you love something, set it free; if it comes back it's yours, if it doesn't, it never was." As of this coming January 2 (the day we met, which I remember clearly), my wife will have been a part of my life for 16 years. The first five as friends; the past 11 as my wife. I will always love her but that doesn't mean I can necessarily remain married to her. As the King said in The King and I, "Tiz a puzzlement!" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 If you two can get to the point of having a nice friendship, that is a good thing. This doesn't have to end on a nasty note at all. It seems you both DO have alot of love and respect for eachother. Just sucks that this is the path you're on... Anyway, anything can happen, who knows maybe afew months separated, things will change and you two will get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 I'm certainly open to anything but I do think time apart is inevitable and necessary. If she comes back...! If we do part permanently it will be without rancor. We were great friends once and can be again. Perhaps it's a classic case of marriage standing in the way of friendship. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Perhaps it's a classic case of marriage standing in the way of friendship That's a real nice thought to have. Healthy one anyway and because of this, I know you'll be fine..Even though I'm sure all this isn't easy and it does hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 That's a real nice thought to have. Healthy one anyway and because of this, I know you'll be fine..Even though I'm sure all this isn't easy and it does hurt. I'm also an unrepentent and incurable romantic. But at the same time I have my analytical and pragmatic side. I'm also an old soldier and choose my battles wisely. Sometimes it's best to conduct a decisiveadvance to the rear to live to fight another day. I'll be fine and that has been and will remain my wish for my wife, regardless of how this all turns out. It's no ones fault; just a classic case of life being what happens when you've made other plans. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 oh no C=Lion - this is terrible news! i'm so sad and sorry (((((hugs)))) can you two consider counseling? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 oh no C=Lion - this is terrible news! i'm so sad and sorry (((((hugs)))) can you two consider counseling? Went several months ago as a preemptive measure because things showed potential to become problematic. It was a good eye-opener. Thankfully, our communications with one another are excellent. We can talk about anything -- conversations rather than confrontations. I think this is possibly a case of having to take a course of action neither of us would willingly choose but is necessary and in the best interests of both. If she's not happy enough with me and our marriage because we pale in comparison to a long ago time she deems "perfect" then what's the use? Playing second fiddle to the ghosts of the past was never high on my Christmas wish list! I DO NOT want this to turn into a matter of resentments. Let's just face facts and let go peacefully and amicably. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I DO NOT want this to turn into a matter of resentments. Let's just face facts and let go peacefully and amicably. i had you pegged as a man that would fight harder than this! you don't have to give in so easily. two people married are bound to have issues along the years - this is no different. i would like to see you work through it by fighting harder to compromise - in some way, shape or form. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 i had you pegged as a man that would fight harder than this! you don't have to give in so easily. two people married are bound to have issues along the years - this is no different. i would like to see you work through it by fighting harder to compromise - in some way, shape or form. ...I've been fighting for this harder than you will ever know since about March of thjis year. This is not new. It's been going on for quite some time. It's simply reaching finalization one way or another after much trying and discussion. If there's one thing I'm not it's a quitter. But if there's one thing I am it's a realist. I am a seasoned analyst, after all. I'm sorry if I disappoint yoiu. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 I agree with 2Sunny. I was thinking the same thing. What is your wife's reaction to the idea of going your separate ways (either temporarily or permanently?) I really can see your point of view in all of this though. I'd be highly insulted, to say the least, if my H suggested that the best of his life took place before we even met. I admit, I'd have a real problem with it. I'm not sure I'd go our separate ways over that though. I just don't know. I'd have to look at the big picture. Does the good in your marriage still outweigh the not so good? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 What is your wife's reaction to the idea of going your separate ways (either temporarily or permanently?) Does the good in your marriage still outweigh the not so good? That could be today's discussion (it's a work holiday for me) or at least this weekend's. If she, as she admitted yesterday, is depressed and unhappy and if she, as she volunteered yesterday, sees her pre-me time as having been perfect, then you tell me! I don't necessarily see that as worth salvaging. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 a thought just came to mind - maybe she is just feeling some personal pain about getting older and is not dealing with it very well. this would be no reflection on how she feels about you - but her battle to deal with. of course it affects you - just a possibility... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 a thought just came to mind - maybe she is just feeling some personal pain about getting older and is not dealing with it very well. this would be no reflection on how she feels about you - but her battle to deal with. of course it affects you - just a possibility... Possibilities, that is. We'll find out before the weekend's over because I'm going to push for resolution one way or another. From what I've observed she's emotionally regressed further and further into her past opver the last few months in a number of ways and it simply leaves me and us further and further behind. That is not a sign of a healthy or sustainable relationship. I live in the now, not the once was! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Could menopause have something to do with this? Could it be that her med dosages need to be looked at again? And again, I agree with Sunny. Her depression/unhappiness may have nothing to do with you. I can understand taking it personally though. Sounds like you have a lot to sort out. Try to keep a cool head about it all. I'm sure you can settle this, one way or the other. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Curmudgeon Posted November 23, 2007 Author Share Posted November 23, 2007 Could menopause have something to do with this? Could it be that her med dosages need to be looked at again? And again, I agree with Sunny. Her depression/unhappiness may have nothing to do with you. I can understand taking it personally though. Sounds like you have a lot to sort out. Try to keep a cool head about it all. I'm sure you can settle this, one way or the other. Hang in there! She has an appointment with her psychiatrist to review her meds and dosages in about a week and a half. Menopause appears doubtful Worth looking into though. I never believed her depression/unhappiness had anything to do with me, per se. It's her and her life in general, especially as compared to what she views as having been wonderful by comparison in the past. Cool head is the easy part. That's where my analytical abilioties and pragmatism kick into gear. This WILL be settled one way or the other, and soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 My thoughts will be with you, Curm. You're a good man and I know you'll end up doing what's best for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 i hate to see you consider any drastic changes until you rule out ALL the possibilities... Link to post Share on other sites
Ariadne Posted November 23, 2007 Share Posted November 23, 2007 Well, she is depressed and unhappy and if she, as she volunteered yesterday, sees her pre-me time as having been perfect, then you tell me! Oh, come on. She wants to be a gorgeous, young, healthy, long haired hippie with not a worry in the world. Who wouldn't want to be that? If that's something you lived before? When you are getting old and dying. Yes, yes, a well balanced person will say, the present is the best years of my life. But she is not like that, she is bipolar and has all these problems, she's holding onto the past. If she is unhappy try and find out why, and not find the solution of dumping her to die alone because she remembers being a happy hippie in her younger years. That's you being more childish than she is. But, if you get over your ego Curm, you'll understand. Ariadne Link to post Share on other sites
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