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Now im going to fall for him

mishy

By mishy,
in Friends and Lovers

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mishy

mishy

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Good for you, Mishy, for asking for what you wanted. The tone of your email, however, suggests some low self esteem on your part. I infer from the tone that you don't really believe that you do deserve more than a FWB. I'm not saying that is how you feel, but I think this is a great time to examine your wants and needs and your own self worth. ."

 

Ive never had casual sex before. After trying it, I believe i deserve more than casual sex and thats why I sent the email, because I will not allow myself to be used like that. Well the last one or 2 times it felt a bit trashy- and it goes against the way I was brought up i guess, or the esteem that i hold for myself.

 

So really this email was about saying "my self worth is worth more than a simple f***"

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mishy

mishy

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Good for you, Mishy, for asking for what you wanted. The tone of your email, however, suggests some low self esteem on your part. I infer from the tone that you don't really believe that you do deserve more than a FWB. I'm not saying that is how you feel, but I think this is a great time to examine your wants and needs and your own self worth. ."

 

Ive never had casual sex before. After trying it, I believe i deserve more than casual sex and thats why I sent the email, because I will not allow myself to be used like that anymore. Well the last one or 2 times it felt a bit trashy- and it goes against the way I was brought up i guess, or the esteem that i hold for myself.

 

So really this email was about saying "my self worth is worth more than a simple f***"

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mishy

mishy

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it seemed from the onset that you wanted more but were too scared to assert what you wanted. It's possible in the early stages of dating to make the guy actually take you out. Why would he if he can sleep with you without dating you? If you made him spend quality time together for an hour or two before sex, you wouldn't need to send that email, because you'd know much earlier in the "relationship."

 

I didnt know what I wanted at the start as i had never had a casual sex only relationship before. Its been going on for about 6 weeks or so and we have met about 8 times i think. I guess i just reached my limit. I have become emotionally attached to him to some degree and i could see where that was heading.

 

I know, judging by his lifestyle that he is going to come back with this:

 

"I'm too busy with work to do anything else with you, but I had fun and I wish you well"

 

All I can say is that if he says that then Im glad i sent the email now and not in another 6 weeks time.

 

Ive got too many things to deal with over christmas what with it being the first christmas without both my parents and everything without worrying about him. So thats why i bit the bullet now.

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mishy

mishy

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I think you need to know where he stand's before you get hurt. Do you feel emotionally attached to him?

 

AP:)

 

 

Yes I do feel that way

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mishy

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Nothing like good ol' fashioned honesty. If he's interested in more, he'll step up to the plate. If not, it's not what you want, anyways.

 

Good luck, mishy. :)

 

Thanks..

 

i think I know what his answer is going to be though. I think he will just decide to stop seeing me, and that is going to hurt. But at least I'll know that he didnt feel any emotional attachment to me.

 

I haven't heard anything back yet.

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oppath

oppath

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Mishy, I know that you do know you are worth more, which is why you sent the letter. I'm just saying my impression of the tone is not that you tried a casual sex relationship and found you can't handle it, but that you always wanted more, that you always wanted him to date or show an interest in you, but you behaved in a way from the start that made him not have to show that interest. Who is to say that he would not have, had you made him? He did not have to show an interest in you. You could have quite easily made him entertain you outside the bedroom for a couple hours before sex from the beginning, by saying "I want to go do this."

 

All I am saying is that next time, if you want more -- and from the beginning, you did -- make the guy actually take you on dates. I'm not saying fancy dinners, I'm saying even in a semi-casual relationship that is highly sexual, you can make the person spend time with you outside the bedroom by suggesting you do things outside the bedroom.

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mishy

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OK , so I have really messed up......I didnt know from the start that i wanted a relationship with him, it was only after we started having sex that i realised I actually really liked him.

 

I certainly won't be doing this kind of thing again with anybody. It was a first and last.

 

I am just wondering now what is going to happen with him? I havent heard anything back

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oppath

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No, you did not mess up. I think I was a bit harsh in my response and I apologize. I just remember your initial thread...you seemed worried or questioning his intentions from the get-go, and most of us said "he's not going to take you seriously if you don't make that a term of your contract from the beginning." I am merely saying, even in a casual relationship, you can make the guy spend some quality time with you.

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mishy

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No, you did not mess up. I think I was a bit harsh in my response and I apologize. I just remember your initial thread...you seemed worried or questioning his intentions from the get-go, and most of us said "he's not going to take you seriously if you don't make that a term of your contract from the beginning." I am merely saying, even in a casual relationship, you can make the guy spend some quality time with you.

 

 

All of a sudden I just feel overwhelmingly depressed about all this. He is not going to want to see me at all now, I just know it. He's going to freak at the email.

 

Its too late for me to "make him spend quality time with me " isnt it? Ive left it too late

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oppath

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But that relationship was not fulfilling for you. You wanted more. You deserve more. It's natural to miss it.

 

The only thing I would recommend, is that if you are ever in this situation again, to not sound so decisive in everything being over. You expressed a lot of great things in your email and it demonstrates that you know you are worth more. A more effective action, for your own closure or otherwise, would have been to wait a few days, as intolerable as that may be, and tell him "I want more than a sexual relationship, and I want to be wanted for more than that. We don't date and you don't seem to have much time for me. What are your thoughts on that?"

 

Chances are, he'd try to reassure your fears by saying something like "who knows what will happen." That is where self esteem kicks in and you say "that is not good enough."

 

It's natural to miss it. But you'll replace it with something better.

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oppath

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When someone is not meeting your needs, you need to walk away. This man is not meeting them. It's not even a case of "if he knew how you felt, maybe he could." I think you should end it, and I think you did end it, and I don't think you should second guess that decision at all.

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mishy

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the email wasn't meant to be an "ending it" email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It wasnt meant to sound like that

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oppath

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Relax. If he is interested in more, he will step up to the plate. He is busy. He needs time to process it. You laid some things on the line and asked for more.

 

He can

  1. Level up and offer you more, talking more often, and spend time outside of the bedroom
  2. Offer to continue in it's present form
  3. Agree with you and say "we need to end it because I can't give you that."

I'm just saying that only numbers 1 and 3 is an option for you. Number 2 is not. You need more. Any time you ask for more, you risk the relationship being altered and ending. You should be proud of yourself that you asked for more and you should feel good about it.

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mishy

mishy

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Relax. If he is interested in more, he will step up to the plate. He is busy. He needs time to process it. You laid some things on the line and asked for more.

 

He can

  1. Level up and offer you more, talking more often, and spend time outside of the bedroom
  2. Offer to continue in it's present form
  3. Agree with you and say "we need to end it because I can't give you that."

I'm just saying that only numbers 1 and 3 is an option for you. Number 2 is not. You need more. Any time you ask for more, you risk the relationship being altered and ending. You should be proud of yourself that you asked for more and you should feel good about it.

 

thankyou Oppath, that makes it really clear.

 

i just worry about how the email will come across to him.....

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Trialbyfire

Trialbyfire

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Relax. If he is interested in more, he will step up to the plate. He is busy. He needs time to process it. You laid some things on the line and asked for more.

 

He can

  1. Level up and offer you more, talking more often, and spend time outside of the bedroom
  2. Offer to continue in it's present form
  3. Agree with you and say "we need to end it because I can't give you that."

I'm just saying that only numbers 1 and 3 is an option for you. Number 2 is not. You need more. Any time you ask for more, you risk the relationship being altered and ending. You should be proud of yourself that you asked for more and you should feel good about it.

Exactly. You also have to give someone some time to absorb this information. Keep in mind that you've never mentioned that you wanted more from him before and he's been clear with you that he didn't think he was prepared for a relationship.

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mishy

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OK, I guess i am just being irrational and panicking about the fact that i will lose him altogether, those hours and hours of kissing...........like i feel like ive really taken a risk.

 

Even though I am not satisfied with just sex , there are aspects of it i want..

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Trialbyfire

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It's called pay to play, a gambling term, if you're not familiar with it. You gamble what you're dissatisfied with, for the possibility of something you'll be happy with.

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I've never been much of a gambler.............:confused:

 

Well, Ive been thinking about the whole casual sex thing and i bit the bullet and sent him an email saying where i stand on the whole thing now.

 

I am expecting that he will reply with "thats ok , i dont have time for anything else, I had fun anyway"

 

Oh, I dunno about that. Judging by your previous post, you knew the risks but chose to do it anyways.

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mishy

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Oh, I dunno about that. Judging by your previous post, you knew the risks but chose to do it anyways.

 

Well maybe I thought I did.

 

I went in pretty blind. I had never had casual sex before and I also didnt really know him.

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Well maybe I thought I did.

 

I went in pretty blind. I had never had casual sex before and I also didnt really know him.

I was making a reference to sending your email, not the actual FWB itself. Sounds like we had a disconnect.

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