Which Road to Take

[CalamitousJane]

Oh, Freddy, that really sucks. I haven't had a problem with drunk-dialing, probably because I tend to pass out after two beers. Maybe you should give all your phones to a friend any time you think you might get wasted.

 

I would make one last contact with her - a really sweet, loving goodbye, apologizing for any psychoticness, saying you obviously need time and space, and wishing her the best. Then SERIOUSLY go NC. The best thing about my month of NC is it completely killed my tendency to go bunny-boiler on him. That alone makes it the best choice ever.

 

Why don't you go ahead and shave your head anyway? You would look HOT, and I guarantee chicks would dig it.

[Freddy]

Ok we had a meeting thursday and everything went well. We hugged a lot and kissed a lot and I told her I needed to do NC. She was very supportive and crying. Friday she was down all day and I tried to make her feel better. She says she feel like we are breaking up again.

 

Fast foward Friday night, I go out with my brother. He tells me she is seeing someone and he heard from our sister-in-law, she still talks to her.

 

I get pissed and so the dialing began. We exchanged texts all morning and she says that's all made up so I would move on. She insists that was all a lie. I don't know if I can believe her. She stop texting me after some harsh words were said. She insists she isn't seeing anyone cause she still loves me.

 

Yep I'm confused and going crazy now. I will shave my head next time.

 

How old are u C?

[CalamitousJane]

Ugh, what a mess. She's way hung up on you. She's gonna make the NC hard.

 

I bet even a couple weeks of it would help her get her head on straight.

 

I'm older than you and I'm not into cradle-robbing. But man, if I were 20 and you had a shaved head...

[Freddy]

I'm not 20's, I may act like it though. I will shave my head for you though.

[Freddy]

I guess we doormats stick together. Seriously now I will find the truth and the truth will be told by the end of the day.

[CalamitousJane]

I'm not 20's, I may act like it though. I will shave my head for you though.

 

Wow, I'm flattered. Seriously, shaved head or no, I found that being kinda emotionally raw really helps attract interested parties. I predict you'll find plenty of women interested in comforting you during your NC bereavement.

[PinkRibbon]

Oh, Freddy, that really sucks. I haven't had a problem with drunk-dialing, probably because I tend to pass out after two beers. Maybe you should give all your phones to a friend any time you think you might get wasted.

 

I would make one last contact with her - a really sweet, loving goodbye, apologizing for any psychoticness, saying you obviously need time and space, and wishing her the best. Then SERIOUSLY go NC. The best thing about my month of NC is it completely killed my tendency to go bunny-boiler on him. That alone makes it the best choice ever.

 

Why don't you go ahead and shave your head

 

Bunny Boiler!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA:p:p:p:p:p:p I love it!!!!!

[Freddy]

I apologized for my behavior and accusations. She still pissed, hurt and confused cause I don't believe her. I don't know what to think. We are meeting tomorrow.

 

I need my hair for now, I can be bald the next 40 years. LOL

[CalamitousJane]

She still pissed, hurt and confused cause I don't believe her.

Whoa! If she's so into being believed she could try not making up stories. Of course if you were into being seen as stable and trusting, you wouldn't drunk dial her on the basis of a rumor.

 

You guys are both thrashing around like fish in net. You're just going to keep damaging yourselves more the longer you go on this way. Limbo is such a nasty, insecure, trapped state - makes everyone feel desperate.

 

Just remember that as long as you're in limbo neither of you is getting the sweet, reliable, trusting love you want and deserve. Maybe you're meant to be together maybe you're not, but limbo won't help you find out.

 

I would take the reins in my hands, and tell her in a very gentle and manly way that you need to go one way or another. Either you get together for real, work your stuff out and see how it feels, or you really go NC for a while in order to free up your energy and hers to find partners that are really right for each of you. Either way you can put a time limit on it to make it less frightening - say check in with each other in a month to see how it's going.

 

You're doing HER a huge favor by being strong enough to take a stand.

 

BTW, the hair's cute. But you've got nothing to worry about when you start losing it.

[Freddy]

I been in low contact with the ex to let her cool down. On Sunday I saw that her cousin looked at my myspace page for over 1 hr. I thought it was weird but on Monday morning I saw that she looked at it again. Then later Monday night she looked at it again for another 30mins. Now I know they are snooping around to see if I'm seeing someone else. I put in a booby trap for them and I think they fall for it. Otherwise we still on track to do NC sometime next week after I get my things from her house.

 

Yesterday she got the book No More Mr. Nice Guy in the mail. Today she called and said Eddie was in trouble. I thought Eddie must of chewed up the furniture or something but no he chewed up the whole book. Looks like I won't be reading this book next week.

[CalamitousJane]

Yesterday she got the book No More Mr. Nice Guy in the mail. Today she called and said Eddie was in trouble. I thought Eddie must of chewed up the furniture or something but no he chewed up the whole book. Looks like I won't be reading this book next week.

 

OMG, that is so hilarious. She told you Eddie ate it?! Did you ask her if she wrapped it in sausage first? Obviously she's totally stuck on you.

 

Ok, I haven't read the book, but it's eaten now anyway, so we'll just have to wing it.

 

Here is my "No More Mr. Nice Guy" plan in one easy lesson:

 

Each time from now on that you find yourself in some kind of situation with her, before you communicate in any way, be it face-to-face or by phone, text, skywriting or gossip.....

 

1. Stop, take a step back from the whole scene.

2, In the movie of your life, replace yourself with Clint Eastwood.

3. Meditate for a moment.

4, Do what Clint would do.

5. Don't worry about the long pauses and faraway gazes - they magnify the effect.

6. Shaving your head would help too, but it's ok if you're not ready.

 

Good luck.

[Freddy]

Hello Everybody here's an update:

 

Last Thursday me and the ex went out for dinner at one of our favorite restaurants and really had a great time. I didn't bring up any relationship talk and everything went really smoothe. She did however bring me an expensive Sushi book she bought for me and some other little things I still had over at her place. When the night ended she lean over to kiss me and I just turned my face and she kissed me on the cheek instead.

 

Friday I went bowling and ended up going out with some friends. One thing led to another and I ended up hooking up with this girl I just met and spent the night there. The next morning we went to breakfast and for some reason I didn't feel any guilt whatsoever. My plan is to continue dating even though I still love the EX.

 

This Monday I went to lunch with the Ex. It turned out really bad cause I told her about how much she hurt me this last summer and I confronted her about the pictures I saw of her and that guy. She got really defensive and started crying. I felt bad but I had to tell her and finally get it off of my shoulders. She asked for the key and garage door opener for her place back and I went ahead and gave it to her. We hugged and kissed a couple of times and she drove away crying. The one thing she said to me during lunch that got to me was that every time I mention a girl I like or wanted to see, she wouldn't say anything to me. She said that she just cries every time after she gets done seeing or talking to me. Ya I know you guys would think I'm mean but I only did it to make her jealous, I didn't really do anything till recently.

 

Tuesday everything seem to be normal and we just talked about her new business. Wednesday night she texts me " Goodnite. I'm thinking of you. I'm missing you. I don't know where that came from cause I'm usually the one texting that kind of stuff.

 

This morning I get an email from her saying she downloaded a cd I told her to buy and she would burn me a copy. She also said she has been down all week and feels so confused. I email her back and told her to just talk to me. She writes back and says "I don't know why, just lots of memories coming up lately and for some reason it hits me hard."

 

I'm not trying to figure out what's going on with her, I just know she's remembering all the good times we had. I was going to do NC but I guess at this point its not going to help me. I'm just going to date around and focus on myself and put the ex on the backburner for now.

[polly240483]

alls i can say is that this is the 8th month of me n my ex bein split up

1st i woz heartbroken, cried for 3 months solid, then decided to pick myself up make myself a better person etc..

i thought i woz doing well but then the last month or 2 iv realised that the person i had become woz a lie it woz fake n so not me.

like i say its now the 8th month and im back to square 1 with my feelings, i feel the pain in my heart and i feel sick to the stomach just like i felt the day he left.

i still love my ex iv never stopped loving him and i want him back and i will do anything to get him back so alls im saying is, your heart is the only thing you can trust so follow where your heart guides you.

Mine is guideing me back to the man i love with all my life the man i once had n the man i have lost. ( but not for long if i have my way)

[CalamitousJane]

Freddy, it sounds like you're freeing your heart up without NC. Wish I could do that.

 

Be careful with these other women though. Hooking up can be a dangerous game...

[Freddy]

Jane: I spend the night with the new girl again. Now I'm starting to have feelings for her. She's really nice to me and we can talk about anything. Crap you warned me and now I'm starting to get confused. If I continue with this my love for the Ex is really going to diminish. Is this what I really want?

[heartoutside]

Hey Freddy man, I would do either one of 2 things. Stop seeing this girl, or stop "spending" the night with her and just hang out with her and take it real slow. As we all know, it could be that you're just getting your feelings all mixed up....you're enjoying and liking her "being" with her rather then her....but I might be wrong. There isn't anything wrong with finding a new girl...your ex isn't in the picture and you may have found a girl who will stay around and be the one for you, but take it slow....

[CalamitousJane]

Wow Freddy, it's so weird. I'm not quite where you are, but similar.

 

MY maybe new guy came up this way for the weekend. We've exchanged hundreds of pages of email in the past couple months, and lately I'd been starting to think more about him than about the ex. Certainly more fondly and excitedly anyway.

 

I think that's what compelled me to finally tell the ex I wanted total, indefinite NC. I woke up on Thursday morning just not wanting to be involved in that mess anymore. I cried most of the day on Thursday, but there was a real finality to it. It's hard to describe. I'm just suddenly thinking of him in the past tense. I know what you mean about not wanting your love to diminish, I think I didn't want that either. I think I felt that starting to really like someone else would be disloyal.

 

So anyway, I was really happy to have a clean slate this weekend, because when I saw the new guy in person (it had been several months) quite the little thrill went through me. We were at a seminar and we escaped together to get coffee, and wound up talking for two hours. He wanted to hang out afterwards, but I already had plans. I'm still feeling that goodbye hug. Mmm. He's sent two mails since he got home, and we have plans to definitely go out properly next time he's here.

 

One other weird thing happened - I was in the city with a friend of mine today, and who should we run into but my ex-before-last! I hadn't seen him for five years and he looked wretched - even more skinny and slumpy than he used to. I recognized him and said "Hi!". I was excited to see him and wondering what he'd been up to. He turned his head, mumbled, "small world" and hurried past us as fast as he could. My friend said "Who was that" And I said "That was Sean - we almost got married once." I felt nothing but relief that we hadn't. I'd cried thousands of tears over this guy, and now five years later he was the one all shaken up over seeing me.

 

I think in five years it might be this way with my current ex. It makes me sad, but I gave him a gazillion chances...

 

 

Anyway Freddy, it's great that you've found someone who cares about you. That's a precious thing. If I were you I'd do my best to clear out the debris in your heart so you'll be in a position to start fresh.

Edited January 28, 2008 by CalamitousJane

[Freddy]

Hey my friends, last year was the worst year of my life. I never told any one this but the reason I was on here so much was because I lost my job in September and haven't work since. I'm no smoe but I just landed a really good job working from home. It's party time!!!!!!!

[jmargel]

Friday I went bowling and ended up going out with some friends. One thing led to another and I ended up hooking up with this girl I just met and spent the night there. The next morning we went to breakfast and for some reason I didn't feel any guilt whatsoever. My plan is to continue dating even though I still love the EX.

 

This is a train wreck waiting to happen. Quit being so immature and selfish. Not only are you hurting your ex, you are hurting this new girl as well!

 

Grow up man, seriously.

[Freddy]

Jmargel: I respect your comments but your way off here. My EX left me and soon started dating someone from her work. She bought a nice dress and asked me how it looked on her. I said it looks great and your beautiful! That night she goes out with that guy(wearing that dress) she left me for and I find out cause her friend she was suppose to be with told me and I called her.

 

I have given every chance to say I want you back and she has not in the 8 months we been broken up. I'm still very friendly with her and she's my biggest supporter. I'm not going to sit around and wait another 2 years while she goes out on dates and see other people. As far as the new girl goes she's very understanding and wants to take it slow. The only issue here is that my EX wants to still be in my life, and she will be as a friend only. I am only begining to realize what she did to me and what she threw away is her fault and not mine.

[CalamitousJane]

Congratulations on the job!!!

 

The only issue here is that my EX wants to still be in my life, and she will be as a friend only. I am only begining to realize what she did to me and what she threw away is her fault and not mine.

 

Freddy, I'm 100% with you on this. When you're the unhappy dumpee, it makes sense to be honest about your feelings and do your best to repair anything in your behavior that was broken. If the other person is still not interested, for whatever reason, it eventually becomes time to stop banging your head against the wall and move on.

 

You know you're REALLY moving on when suddenly people besides the ex start looking mighty attractive.

[Freddy]

Update for myself:

 

Ok the first week of dating the new girl went great but then she called me and said we should stop seeing each other because the main reason was that I wasn't over the ex. I was a little dumb founded at first but I told her that she was making a mistake but I would accept her decision. Then next thing I know my new job got axed because the budget didn't get approved.

 

Things started to look very gloomy once again but I guess still being friends with the Ex help get me by. After a week, me and the new girl started hanging out a lot again and the Ex was really being emotional an stuff and telling me how she misses me. I asked her when she wanted to meet up and she happen to pick dinner on Valentines day.

 

I told the new girl before hand that I didn't want be exclusive with her and that I'm dating right now and she actually took it really well. I didn't ask her to go to dinner or anything for Valentines day but I couldn't help wonder if it was bothering her or not. I ended up go to dinner with the Ex on that day and it was great to see her but it ended really bad. I got upset with her cause she was suppose to go dancing with me and our mutual this last Saturday friends but she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go.

 

I got home after dinner and ended up going to dinner with the new girl too on Valentines. Yep go ahead to tell me to grow up but in the end both girls got what they wanted. For some reason the new girl seems to be a good luck charm, I got word from the Director that she was fighting to get the budget approved for the job that never turned out.

 

This week has been great, both girls hangout with me, not at the same time and the job really went through as of yesterday. I'm not superstitious but the new girl comes back and bamm I got the job again. Both girls know about each other and they both seem to be ok with it. Well that's it for now and I hope all the craziness has stopped.

[heartoutside]

let me ask, why are you still going out to dinner with your ex if she just wants to be friends and has told you that? My ex told me that last week, said that it seems like all I want with her is "A relationship!" She then went on to say we have should dinner this week. My solution to the problem of going to dinner with her was to leave town!

[Freddy]

Hmmm, I don't know if she ever said she just wanted to be friends, I guess being friends is by default since we don't want each other out of our lives. Lately we have done dinner or lunch at least once a week and see each other at least 2 or 3 times a week.

 

I do recall her saying that we are special friends, I think she calls it that because sometimes we do kiss and hold hands and stuff that friends don't normally do. I'm just focusing on myself and my needs and she can do whatever. Somehow in a year or two, once we both grow up some more there's always possibility of getting back together so maybe that's why we still leave the door open for each other.

 

I wouldn't do the things I do but as of lately it's made me a much more happier person to be dating and not worrying about what she's doing and not being consumed of thinking about her. I personally think she's thinking of me more and I'm thinking about her less.

[jmargel]

Like I said it's a train wreck waiting to happen. You are trying to fulfill the needs with your ex and this other girl and honestly the way you are going about it is wrong.

 

You are putting this other chick on the sidelines to see if it works out with your ex. How would you feel if you were in this other chick's shoes? With her going out with you and her ex-bf?

 

Ex's are ex's for a reason and honestly IMO you can't be friends with them, because (as it clearly shows here) one of the two will still have some feelings of something more.

 

Quit dragging this other woman through the mud. Let her go so she can find someone who can give her everything she deserves. Stop being selfish.