My parents hate me and my husband

[happyatlast87]

Ok, this is going to be a fairly long post, but I really need some advice on this, I don't know what to do anymore. Here's some background info:

 

I met my now husband for the first time in April of 2007, and we quickly connected and started to exculsively see each other immediate afterwards. We had a few bumps with a crazy ex of his, and her stalking us, but that is thankfully over. We got marred/eloped in August 2007 after 4 1/2 months of dating (I know, a little soon, but when you know you know). I'm still in college, and he is 10 years older than me ( he just graduated after 7 years- he had to work his way through). We have been married for 3 months now.

 

Before we were married, my boyfriend was well liked by my parents and he was over all the time, and spent the night on weekends, and went on family outings ect. He felt like he was apart of our family, which was very nice. Since he is a little older he did have a lot in common with my parents.

 

When we did get married, we told his parents the next day, and they were fine with it and welcomed me to their family, and cried and were very happy. I was very surprised to be so accepted into their fam, since that was only the 2nd time I had met them. We told my parents the following day, and pretty much after I told them they got very silent, and not very much of a reaction. I know they were upset that we didn't tell them, and they didn't get to go see me get married, but that is what WE wanted. We both never wanted a big ceremony, or a bunch of people, it was our ceremony, and something between us, not the whole world.

 

So they didn't call me for a few days afterwards, and when I did call them finally they said they had my stuff packed, and whenever I was ready to come and pick it up. My husband moved from his town, to my hometown and rented an apartment so I could continue to go to school, and he got a new job. My parents found out I was moving, and didn't offer to help me move, when HIS parents drove over 6 hours just to help us move, when my parents live about 20 mins away. So, we got moved in and settled.

 

As the weeks have gone by, my mom and dad mostly say rude remarks mostly sexual connotations, and my dad asked me once if my husband was abusing me, and he would pay for the divorce. When my husband is around they go out of their way to make him feel uncomfortable, and don't include him in on conversations like they used to.

 

I may as well bring up the money issue as well. For years my parents told me and my sisters that when we got our first apartments as "real adults" they would pay for our first month's rent and the deposit; and if we got married they would give us a couple thousand dollars to help us out. Well, my sisters have both moved out and recieved the first month rent deal, and one of my sister's has been engaged for over a year now, and my parents are waiting for a date in order to help out with the wedding.

 

I haven't gotten any of these concessions. All my parents said when I got married was that they were broke, and couldn't help me out. I would be one thing if it was true, but when you see your parents bailing out sisters, buying new computers, cameras, cars, ect, and they started doing this immediately after I got married. It just hurts to see them helping out my older sisters who have problems with alcohol, barely graduating from HS, living with some guy who will never marry my sister, it just confuses me.

 

It is more than the money, but they are emotionally not there, but they haven't been really the last few years. The more and more the weeks go on, the more strained it has become, and I never have had too many problems with my parents, we have always gotten along, and I have always been the "good girl." I would just like acceptance, and not the cold shoulder.

 

The final straw for me was this Thanksgiving. I had spent hours cleaning and cooking dinner for my parents and my husband (our 1st holiday together!). My parents showed up over 1 and 1/2 hours late, dressed in sloppy clothes looking like they didn't care, brought a burnt turkey over, and ignored my husband and rolled their eyes and made faces. They barely ate any of the food, and tried to leave about 5 minutes after they were finished eating. They just talked about work, and how proud they are of my sisters. They didn't hug me or say they loved me when they came in or when they left. They also brought up that they were going after- Thanksgiving shopping, and kept asking me to go, knowing I didn't have much money to spend on shopping, I mean we don't have a couch yet, I don't think I have a disposible income!!! They made fun of my small kitchen in the apartment, and how I didn't have enough stuff, and they said we would help you out, but if we did where would you put it?

 

So they ran out about an hour or so later, said they were going to the movies, and then left without saying goodbye. Ummm, what should I do or say?? Just some advice would be helpful, sorry for the long story.

[Trialbyfire]

It sounds like they were terribly hurt by not being part of the wedding or even being told that it was going to happen. I think they're being immature.

 

Why not have a heart-to-heart discussion with them, without your husband being present? If the issues are insurmountable, they also need to understand that if they act like babies, they're out of your life.

[happyatlast87]

I tried talking to my mother the other night. She just kept trying to change the subject and made herself and my father unavailable to talk more about it. She said that "you sent me reeling, and you threw a big curve ball at us." She then said she didn't think they did anything wrong. I told her it has been almost 4 months, and my husband's parents are fine, but not you guys.

My husband said to drop it, and to just let it go. But should I? I still have about 1 1/2 years left in college, and I will have to live in the same area as my parents until then. It's kinda hard to totally shut out people in your life, but when they push you away... Also, I already lost my BF over this (she stopped returning calls, and was in shock) and I don't want to lose the only relatives I have, so what to do, what to do??

[lovelorcet]

You are an adult and have the right to do what you feel is right. Now having said that I am going to come at this situation from the other side.

 

 

Getting married to someone after such a short amount of time is a very risky decision. It seems that your best friend and parents are in shock over this and are upset.

 

Here are some questions...

 

Why the rush?

Why did you not involve anyone?

 

Maybe your parents feel that you have made some very poor decisions for yourself and are not interested in supporting your behavior.

[Angelina Nisse]

I know they were upset that we didn't tell them, and they didn't get to go see me get married, but that is what WE wanted. We both never wanted a big ceremony, or a bunch of people, it was our ceremony, and something between us, not the whole world.

 

 

You want to have your cake, and eat it too. You shut your parents out of your life, you said it was "your" ceremony - and only between you and your husband; yet now, you expect your parents to help you financially and bail you out?

Why should they?

You cut them out of your life and didn't care if they wanted to be at your wedding.

I think your behavior hurt them terribly. They are wondering if you are being influenced by your new husband, apparently.

 

You can't shut people out of your life and then expect them to bail you out and help you with goals - doesn't work that way.

[whichwayisup]

Hopefully in time your parents will come around but from their perspective their daughter married someone within 4 1/2 months, to a guy 10 years older and you're not finished college yet AND you eloped, excluding them from your special day. Your father didn't get to walk you down the isle, your mom didn't get to go with you to pick out your wedding dress, there were no showers, no parties...Your folks are HURT and therefore they're reacting.

 

But, now that you are married, sooner or later they have to accept it. All you can do is live your life, be happy, mature into the person you're meant to be and one day they'll see this and be in your life again.

[corazoncito]

I think your only option is to give your parents more time to get used to the idea that you (from their perspective) ran off and, without telling or including them, married a guy you barely knew. From their perspective, I'm sure they hoped for something different for you and they are going through a process of grieving. This doesn't mean that things will be bad in your relationship with your husband, or that your parents will never accept you two, but you have to give them a lot of time. And swallow your pride often. They sound very hurt.

 

I do understand what you're going through somewhat. When my husband and I got married it was also sort of an elopement. But it was mostly for financial and practical reasons, and I let my family know well in advance. There was some friction with my MIL, because my husband put off telling her till very close to the wedding and she felt hurt and left out. The only remedy has been lots of open communication and realizing these kinds of hurts and misunderstanding don't get solved in a few days, or even a few months. My MIL has been coming around and I'm sure your parents eventually will too. Good luck!

[Kenyth]

I think everyone has hit the nail on the head here. You made what can be seen as a very rash and impulsive decision and excluded everyone. They don't at all approve.

 

You will have to wait it out. Four months is not a very long time at all.

[stillafool]

I think as long as you are over 18 it is your business how you choose to marry. If I were you I would leave the parents alone and they will come around (that is if they want to see you again). Forget about the money they were going to give you. Enjoy your new husband and be happy.

[Rachel_0814p]

So they ran out about an hour or so later, said they were going to the movies, and then left without saying goodbye. Ummm, what should I do or say?? Just some advice would be helpful, sorry for the long story.

 

Right or wrong, what's done is done. The past can't be changed so don't listen too much to people who want to chastize you. It's not going to help you now.

 

What you need to do now is realize that you can't control your parents reactions--you can only control yours. The best thing you can do is stop allowing their actions to hurt you. As hard as it is, you may need to shut them out of your heart for a while until they're able to calm down and come back around to the fact that you're still their daughter.

 

You can do that by keeping a comfortable distance for the meantime. Enjoy your husband's family's company instead. By all means, keep in contact with your parents, but do so by phone only and the minute they start to henpeck you, excuse yourself from the conversation and hang up. Parents are creatures of habit. Once they realize you're not willing to put up with their rude behavior, they'll slowly start to change.

 

But brace yourself because they might never love your husband. He's the guy who "stole you from them" and made you do "selfish, immature, shocking things" (such as getting married so quickly and without notice).

 

Those from older generations are not famous for being able to let bygones be bygones. They hold grudges. You just have to be the best person you can be--best wife, best daughter, best everything--without letting others' negativity influence your happiness. Since you're husband is a bit more mature, he should understand your parents resentment and should be a little better adapted to emotionally deflect their hostility whenever he lands in the line of fire. But as his wife it is your job to shield your husband as much as you can by not putting him in a situation where he's cornered with them. Don't ever invite them to your place! And never visit them in their home. If you do meet with them physically, meet in a neutral location where you can quickly get away if they get out of line. And when it does finally boil down to it, let them know that while you love them, and that you're still their daughter, that even if you've made what they consider mistakes, you're an adult now, you're happy with your choices, and that, if they want you in their life, they have to learn to live with your choices because it's your life. Make it clear that you're done taking their abuses and then let the chips fall where they may.

 

That's how I'd handle it, anyway. But Whatever you decide to do, I hope it works out for you. I don't envy your situation, that's for sure.

 

(Also, I agree with just forgetting about the money. It's a tough thing to do if you were depending on it, but now that you've pissed them off, you're no longer entitled to it. Sorry. That's how it is.)

[shadowplay]

A lot of immaturity on both sides. I have to say that I think it was an extremely impulsive decision on your part to get eloped after only a few months of dating. I can understand why your parents would be hurt and confused. It's a little bizarre for them to be taking it so personally, though. I would think their main concern would be your welfare and that you made a poor decision, not that you "disrespected" them by not including them in the ceremony. What's done is done. They need to start acting like adults and supporting you.