i hate my family. Is this normal for a 30 yr old?

[nashua]

Hi.

 

I just came back from a Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's place. It made me realize how much i hate my family. I am then youngest of 3, and happen to be the only female. My parents, for as long as i can remember, have always "shamed" me for almost everything I've ever done. Either that or they have always been unsupportive. For example, my father told said to me on the day i graduated college, "Religious Studies...what are you gonna do with yourself with this degree?" When I was 18 and had plans for moving to Ca from NY, my mother says to me, "I don't think this is a good idea. Don't come crawling back to us if you need money." And last night, while giving thanks for Thanksgiving, my brother decides I didn't "do it right" and asked me if I was forgetting to mention my boyfriend as something I was thankful for. I didn't include him because i thought it was pretty self explanitory, and I would've rather given thanks to the meal. This is a typical issue in my family. i've always felt disrespected because i was a woman, and because i was the youngest. But just about everything in my life has been asked "WHY" by my parents. They have never once been supportive of ANYTHING i'veever done. I also should mention that I think OUTSIDE the box and do not feel the need to get married and have babies to prove myself. My mother considers me the failure in the family because of my lack of interest in having children. I love to travel internationally, but noone seems to give me any respect for the world that i've seen. My brothers and parents all feel that SUCCESS=MaRRIAGE/FAMILY, and until I "settle down" I am not worth respecting. I am very uncomfortable around all of them, and feel i cannot be myself at all, for fear of shame and the disresepct i might feel from them. I really hate them, and hate the holidays because I feel forced to spend time with them. Am i normal. What can i do about it? Anyone is a similar position?? Please Advise!!

[Tripper]

I don't think you really hate your family. I think you have some self esteem issues. You are old enough to decide how you want to live your life and need to make that clear to your family.

Your underlying values, those learned while growing up in the family unit, are probably much the same as your parents and your sibs... however, you simply choose to live your life differently than what they expected you to do.

 

The problem is theirs, not yours. Don't let them make it yours. Stand up and be proud of your accomplishments.

 

Having been in a similar situation, I also realized that the criticisms I received were really jealousy on my family members parts for their lack of having not lived how they would have liked to.

[Curmudgeon]

I imagine it's more disappointment and a feeling of betrayal than anyting else. Family is supposed to be loving, inclusive and supportive. Yours obviously isn't.

 

So this begs the question of why you subject yourself to them.

 

At age 30 you're decidedly an adult. As such you are under no obligation to expose yourself to people who hurt you. There's no benefit to subjecting yourself to toxic people, and that includes the ones you're related to. After all, you didn't choose them, you merely ended up with them.

 

Keep your distance, stay nominally in touch and get on with your life the way you want to lead it. They can't be pleased so why bother trying?

[nashua]

I don't think you really hate your family. I think you have some self esteem issues. You are old enough to decide how you want to live your life and need to make that clear to your family.

Your underlying values, those learned while growing up in the family unit, are probably much the same as your parents and your sibs... however, you simply choose to live your life differently than what they expected you to do.

 

The problem is theirs, not yours. Don't let them make it yours. Stand up and be proud of your accomplishments.

 

Having been in a similar situation, I also realized that the criticisms I received were really jealousy on my family members parts for their lack of having not lived how they would have liked to.

 

I definately have self esteem issues. I made my boyfriend a bet, that during the time spent at my brothers place, that i would not be engaged by my brother at all. and sure enough, i wasn't (except when he corrected me for giving thanks wrong). Maybe you're right...i dont hate my family, but i sure as hell dont like them much. Its so hard to stand up and be proud when noone really cares about it. There was a woman at the dinner, who has traveled all over Asia, as did I, and her and I hit it off, talking about travel and our experiences. My brother decided to get up from the table and go do something else, because he had nothing to contribute. Maybe they are all jealous, but they sure make it feel like I'm the "loser" and don't have my life straightened out yet. I might add here, that i am very consciuous about health and my body, so I work out daily, and try to keep in great shape. i also eat very well, and take pride in that. My family is pretty overweight, and they actaully give ME a hard time for caring too much about my body. They say thngs like "Well, if you had a baby, then you would realize that there are more important things to worry about than how your body looks". I'm like, no...i dont think so. I would've been workig out even if i was pregnant, and definately afterwards. I'd find a way. but they all roll their eyes at me, and just think i'm young and naive.

Also, i try very hard to avoid them when i can. My parents and oldest brother live in NY, so its been fairly easy to avoid them. My other brother lives about 20 minutes from me, and that one is not so easy to avoid. I dont hink i can really distance myself any more than i already do. My mother tells my SIL that I dont spend enough time w/ family, and that she was so happy i decided to spend thanksgiving w/ them. As soon as we left, i felt the pressure leave me and I'm so glad its over!!

 

And you could be right about the jealousy thing. i have thought that could be the case. I am free to live wherever, travel to werever, and d as i please. I have no children tying me down, and i am in a very committed relationship, but we are on the same page, so we get out and have a lot of fun together, seeing the world, going skydiving, kayaking, and just relaxing in whatever way we want. We live in a bustling city, and the nightlife is great. Maybe they are all jealous. But still, it doesnt change the fact that i DO have to deal w/ them, and that they DO make me feel like crap. I am actually going back to school to get my Masters in counseling for Marriage and Family Therapy. Is that a cooincidence or what? thanks for the tips. Anyone else out there feel similair, or have any more advice?

[Tripper]

But still, it doesnt change the fact that i DO have to deal w/ them, and that they DO make me feel like crap. I am actually going back to school to get my Masters in counseling for Marriage and Family Therapy.

 

Kudos to you!! You sound like you've got an excellent grip on life. To your point, while you can choose your friends, you can't choose your relatives. That's been my mantra at times over the years.

 

It sounds like you got the brains and the ambition in your family, made conscientious decisions and created opportunities for yourself. If your family continues to make you feel like crap then you can a) continue to take it b) do some work on yourself and self esteem and come to a point where you can ignore it. c) tell them outright it's none of their business how you choose to live your life as long as it doesn't affect them and their right to do the same thing. or d) <and I like this approach> ask them in a non confrontational way, to tell you specifically what it is that they don't like about your lifestyle and why it's such a issue for them.

 

If you take the last approach I hope you'll update us and post the response(s) you get; I'd be interested to know....

 

Good Luck

[Rachel_0814p]

I understand, to a lesser extent. I don't get criticized much anymore; I'm either ignored at gatherings or completely left out of them. My brother was always the favorite, even though he was a terror and a delinquent and I always had top grades and never got in trouble. For the longest time I wondered why I was the black sheep, but a few years back it finally dawned on me that it didn't matter because I am who I am and they are who they are, they probably will never change, and now I am no longer interested in having them in my life anyway.

 

I, like you, have found happiness on my own accord, and it doesn't matter that they're so uninvolved because they never really contributed to the things in life that have been good for me. Everytime I'm around them, all I hear are complaints about EVERYTHING. They're a bunch of miserable, uneducated, unevolving people. And looking back, I see how they've always been that way and that it's better that I didn't get much input from them growing up, or I might have ended up more like them.

 

Currently, I put up with my mom once or twice a month by phone and maybe twice a year in person. Phone conversations usually end with me hanging up and then later pretending that I had bad cell reception and couldn't get a signal to call back (she never tries to call me back anyway, so no I don't feel bad). I never spend holidays or vacations with any of them. I save those kinds of special occasions for people that I like. And 3 years ago at Christmas, I told my mom just that. Boy, did she get off being insulted. She told everybody else and I'm sure they all had a great time hissing about it together. And I didn't really mind; it actually amused me to think about it.

[WitchyLady]

It's normal for any age, if the family is dysfunctional, and yours certainly sounds like it.

 

I getcha.

 

My family, it's a big one. 7 kids on one side, 4 on the other, and only a few of them EVER stay in touch. The occasional phone call to my Dad, and the odd gathering, between the one set of siblings for a holiday, that's about it. We're never all in the same place, at the same time, never happens that way, IMHO, that's probably a good thing at this point because I can't stand the hypocrisy of it all, and I'd likely get myself in trouble saying so if I was around them for long!

 

My half-siblings are all older than I am, and they don't know when to leave well enough alone when I do talk to them, which isn't often.

 

The one brother, I honestly cannot stand him. He's a an addict, and a user, a real womanizer and even if he is my half-brother I just do not like him, and will not pretend to at this point.

 

The rest?

 

One sister, his sister, she literally hasn't talked to me since I was a kid. She's barely has talked to my Dad for years, but all of a sudden, now that's he's getting up there, she's on the phone to him quite a bit? Frankly I don't quite trust her motives, but whatever, I am glad for Dad's sake that she's at least communicating with him I guess. Makes him happy, so that's fine by me.

 

The second set of kids, my Dad was married twice, not so bad, but they don't really even try to keep in touch but sporadically and that means in touch with Dad, not with me. Frankly, they let a LOT of years go by before they even deigned to notice I still existed, and although a few years ago there was one meeting and a lot of talk about how sorry they were and how they were now all about "staying in touch" nothing real ever came out of it despite my sending a lot of emails and so forth for a while there. We're back to square one, no contact my way, just a bit of relayed news via Dad once in a while, shrug.

 

I don't bear any of them any real ill-will but to be honest I don't even know these people, and at this point in my life, I'm in my 40's now, I don't really care to. They're not my family, that's just my Dad, in so far as I am concerned now.

 

He's in his 80's now and once he's gone I am just going to follow his wishes in terms of what he wants in terms of his will and whatnot and let that be it. He put me in that position, mainly because he knew that I'd be able to put any personal feelings aside and be fair, do what he wanted and I don't mind, but that's all the contact I really want with them all once he's gone. I see absolutely no point in trying to make a relationship with a bunch of people who are virtual strangers to me and who won't make any real effort to keep up with me anyway.

 

I do have friends that I feel are my real family.

 

I suggest you do the same.

 

Tolerate the "relatives" but make your "family" out of those people who truly care about you, not those who put you down all the time. You'll likely be a lot happier doing that, than spending your life trying to live up to your relatives and their absurd expectations.

[nashua]

I understand, to a lesser extent. I don't get criticized much anymore; I'm either ignored at gatherings or completely left out of them. My brother was always the favorite, even though he was a terror and a delinquent and I always had top grades and never got in trouble. For the longest time I wondered why I was the black sheep, but a few years back it finally dawned on me that it didn't matter because I am who I am and they are who they are, they probably will never change, and now I am no longer interested in having them in my life anyway.

 

I, like you, have found happiness on my own accord, and it doesn't matter that they're so uninvolved because they never really contributed to the things in life that have been good for me. Everytime I'm around them, all I hear are complaints about EVERYTHING. They're a bunch of miserable, uneducated, unevolving people. And looking back, I see how they've always been that way and that it's better that I didn't get much input from them growing up, or I might have ended up more like them.

 

Currently, I put up with my mom once or twice a month by phone and maybe twice a year in person. Phone conversations usually end with me hanging up and then later pretending that I had bad cell reception and couldn't get a signal to call back (she never tries to call me back anyway, so no I don't feel bad). I never spend holidays or vacations with any of them. I save those kinds of special occasions for people that I like. And 3 years ago at Christmas, I told my mom just that. Boy, did she get off being insulted. She told everybody else and I'm sure they all had a great time hissing about it together. And I didn't really mind; it actually amused me to think about it.

 

 

Hi rachel,

 

Your situation seems so parallel to mine. My brother (the one i had Thanksgiving dinner with) was the terror too, and is now considered the "golden child." He was always in trouble as a kid, had bad grades, and created a lot of turmoil for me as his younger sister. Just like you, I have been ignored at most family events, or in such cases as Thanksgiving, i only get engaged by others when it is them needed to correct me, or show their disapproval. In addition, all i hear are complaints as well, and disapproval of just about everything I do. When I told my mother about going back to school for a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, specifically in Expressive Arts Therapy, all she can say is, "isn't that kind of hokey? are you really going to make a living using dance or music therapy?" I ask myself, why can't they just be supportive? why do they always have to knock EVERYTHING?

 

I do as you do, try to avoid whenever possible. I mentioned before, my parents and oldest bro live in NY. I hardly EVEr see them, and my mother complains that i don't come to visit enough. Do they really not understand why? Do I need to be as honest as you, and tell them I like to spend special occasions with people i like? Is there a part of you that wants to resolve all of this, or are you okay knowing it will never be that "fantasy" family? I have definatley made my friends my family, but I am at the age where most of my friends are starting their own family, and I'm afraid the option to spend special times with them will soon no longer exist.

 

When do you feel like this all started happening to you? Has it always been this way? All I can remember is not being taken seriously...ever, by anyone. Maybe because I am the youngest, so they all continue to look at me as someone in need of guidance? But I'm 30, have a nice place, am uncertain about my profession, but am taking steps toward something I think might fit in with my lifestyle (by going back to school) have been in a healthy committed relationship for over 3 years...why do they still feel the need to criticize? I don't ask them for anything!!

 

it's nice to know i'm not alone on this one. Rachel... are you at all afraid of how this may be taking a toll on you emotionally or psychologically...or have you accepted it and moved on? If you moved on, how would you advise me to do the same?

[Rachel_0814p]

When I told my mother about going back to school for a Masters in Marriage and Family Therapy, specifically in Expressive Arts Therapy, all she can say is, "isn't that kind of hokey? are you really going to make a living using dance or music therapy?" I ask myself, why can't they just be supportive? why do they always have to knock EVERYTHING?

 

I think they knock everything because they have nothing better to do and nothing better to aspire themselves to doing. I honestly think its just that they don't know how to relate to us and are not evolved or educated enough to be any better. Greedy, self-centered human instinct is to knock what you don't understand.

 

I do as you do, try to avoid whenever possible. I mentioned before, my parents and oldest bro live in NY. I hardly EVEr see them, and my mother complains that i don't come to visit enough. Do they really not understand why? Do I need to be as honest as you, and tell them I like to spend special occasions with people i like?

 

Sometimes brutal honesty is what it takes. But sometimes even throwing it in their faces doesn't work. I guess the point of putting it out there so honestly isn't about how it will make them feel, but about how it will make you feel. If putting it out there is theraputic for you, then that's what matters.

 

Is there a part of you that wants to resolve all of this, or are you okay knowing it will never be that "fantasy" family? ... When do you feel like this all started happening to you? Has it always been this way?

 

I've always felt like the odd one out for as long as I can remember. I used to want to resolve it, and I honestly think I did everything I could and more to reach out to them. But none of them ever gave back, so I had no choice by to let it go.

 

I think I always understood that the fantasy family was a lie and that believing in it would be a downfall. So I don't really know that I ever aspired to have the "fantasy" family...perhaps just fantasy relationships with individual members of my family (like with my mom and my brother) who ended up not being capable of having it. I'm so over it now, but it took me 10 or so years of meuling over how to fix it to come to terms with it.

 

it's nice to know i'm not alone on this one. Rachel... are you at all afraid of how this may be taking a toll on you emotionally or psychologically...or have you accepted it and moved on? If you moved on, how would you advise me to do the same?

 

I spent my entire teens and early 20s analyzing myself, exploring my psyche, medicating myself with self-help techniques, and coaxing myself into believing that I was a good person worthy of unconditional love. Somewhere along the way, I finally just realized that my roots didn't matter and that all the negativity and crap from before had ZERO hold on my present self and future self. I just decided that I didn't want to suffer with it anymore, so I consciously made the effort to stop thinking in such a victimized mindset. It took a lot of practice, but one day I just woke up and I was a different person. I have to dig real deep to even remember the details of specific painful memories now, when before they seemed to haunt me daily.

 

I commented to my best friend the other day at how its funny that once you really let something go, all of the details fade to fuzziness as if it almost didn't happen. She agreed, as she'd gone through nearly identical steps throughout the years in trying to heal herself of her family's breakdown (she had it a lot worse than me).

 

It amazes me that so many of us don't find true independence, which inturn allows us our truest happiness, until we're well into adulthood. It's ridiculous that someone has to be 25 or 30 or even 40 years old before they're able to free themselves of the muck of a bad childhood. And whoever decided that the nuclear family was the way things should be anyway??? Why do we feel so bad when we don't have the "perfect" family life?

 

Which brings me to a final point. Another thing I do when I start feeling depressed about something that is actually insignificant to my current state of being is I considerate the state of the world at the moment. I think about the millions of people suffering all over the earth everyday, surviving on barely a fraction of the things that I have. I think about photos of the children in third world countries, so happy and smiling and excited just to see someone with camera. It really seems silly of me to want to cry about my mom not giving me enough attention when I know that there are children living through much worse all the while maintaining such a sense of wonder and gratitude for even the smallest kindness. When I think about my life in those terms, my issues seem very superficial and I let go of them much more quickly.

[HappyHappy]

Boy can I relate...and actually I was surprised to see how many people responded with similar dynamics. You got great advice on this post, dont know that I can add anything better but....

You think its bad now? Just wait till you get older, or as your parents get older. All the needs will fall on you. The golden boy a**hole borther of yours wont step up to the plate, and excuses will be made for him such as, he's so busy with life, job, kids etc. Since you dont have the "traditonal" family of your own, family things especially as it realtes to your parents needs as they age will fall right in your lap. ALso since your the only girl and the youngest. Those are your parents and of course you will do whatever you have to do. My advice when that time comes. Do whatever it is that is put upon you by your terms and your terms only.

 

Families can be very selfish, and take advantage of you. I am now just over 40 and Ive seen this exact scenario in my family and that of all of my single girlfriends. EVERY single one. Hey, we are great accomplished women who had careers, traveled the world...sort of wrote our own terms for life that didnt include what others consider "tradition". We've all had that same type of thanksgiving you've described, and the message does seems to be "youre nothing because you dont have that tradition of husband and kids etc."...(but yet in my case they feel fine to dump everything imaginable on me including raising kids who arent mine because they are irresponsible)

 

I cant explain it except to tell you youre not alone and this is soooo much more common than you think. I really do believe that there is jealousy involved because the grass is always greener etc. You actually have the life they all want so they are jealous. They would never admit this to you. Often times siblings..especially the screw ups (addicts etc) are very jealous of you just for being successful or for just being normal.

 

My key advice: Develope your own family....your friendships (the real key true ones) will be your family so to speak as you move through life. They will be the people who you have choosen in your life who will be there for you no matter what....this becomes your "family".

 

These other people who you were born too....just keep it all at a comfortable distance. Whatever is comfortable for you.

 

I really have no idea why in the universe it is expected that we love and get along with these people we were by fate born to be related to. When I think about some of the characters in my family....there is NO way that i would EVER have any kind of relationship, friendship or remote contact with these type of people on my own. These are not people I would pick to be in my life or around me, so why the heck do I have to deal with them or have relationships because of birth fate? A bunch of hogwash....get out there and "pick" your own family. People who you bring into your life because of their true character.

 

Also, dont hold this...this anger inside. Its good that you vented it here, but if given the opportunity (or create it), actually tell these family members the things that bother you. You might be surprised at the reaction. You have every right to be angry, just dont hold on to the anger too tightly, and remember the anger is normal, and realistic. I cant tell you how many years it took for me to actually figure out that I was angry, to then have a doctor tell me it was very normal and that I should have been angry with this family many many years ago.

 

Good luck, but you have your head on straight so you will be fine.

[kkthxbye]

Hi.

 

I just came back from a Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's place. It made me realize how much i hate my family. I am then youngest of 3, and happen to be the only female. My parents, for as long as i can remember, have always "shamed" me for almost everything I've ever done. Either that or they have always been unsupportive. For example, my father told said to me on the day i graduated college, "Religious Studies...what are you gonna do with yourself with this degree?" When I was 18 and had plans for moving to Ca from NY, my mother says to me, "I don't think this is a good idea. Don't come crawling back to us if you need money." And last night, while giving thanks for Thanksgiving, my brother decides I didn't "do it right" and asked me if I was forgetting to mention my boyfriend as something I was thankful for. I didn't include him because i thought it was pretty self explanitory, and I would've rather given thanks to the meal. This is a typical issue in my family. i've always felt disrespected because i was a woman, and because i was the youngest. But just about everything in my life has been asked "WHY" by my parents. They have never once been supportive of ANYTHING i'veever done. I also should mention that I think OUTSIDE the box and do not feel the need to get married and have babies to prove myself. My mother considers me the failure in the family because of my lack of interest in having children. I love to travel internationally, but noone seems to give me any respect for the world that i've seen. My brothers and parents all feel that SUCCESS=MaRRIAGE/FAMILY, and until I "settle down" I am not worth respecting. I am very uncomfortable around all of them, and feel i cannot be myself at all, for fear of shame and the disresepct i might feel from them. I really hate them, and hate the holidays because I feel forced to spend time with them. Am i normal. What can i do about it? Anyone is a similar position?? Please Advise!!

 

 

WOW!!! I will totally trade families with you. You seriously would make my parents drool. You are their dream daughter. To the T. I would just love to be at your table, and rock the boat a little bit.

 

Here is what I read in your post:

 

You are the black sheep of the family!! OUTSTANDING!! you did not conform to becoming the woman they want you to be. You live your life to your own expectations, and to your level of enjoyment. PAT YOUR SELF ON THE BACK IMMEDIATELY!! There is no disrespect to your family, parents, or even elders for being the best YOU you can be. They can't figure out what YOU is supposed to be, that's your lifelong quest my friend!

 

I have had many dinners like you described. After leaving each time crying and feeling about <..> this small, I quit going to family events. No holidays, no gatherings, nada. For my own mental health and well being, I separated myself from that drama of not being the ONE to RULE THEM ALL, in their eyes. Who the hell can live up to that? AND WHY DO WE TRY?? Oh its hard enough to please ourselves, now add mom and pop to the list and 40 prozacs later, being just like broccoli is way better than being coherent during dinner.

 

YOU are just amazing. Just competent, brilliant even. This is their loss that they can't see through their own fog to even notice. Tsk Tsk, for shame. It could be that they are wanting to live vicariously through you because they missed a bus stop somewhere on the happiness tour. Its plausible, but don't worry bout it. If you want to live up to those expectations, you are welcome to my family anytime. They would worship you, all the while saying, "SEE? why can't you be more like that??" Black sheep's must unite!!!

 

I'm 32, the baby of 6, a voluntary Black Sheep; and I approve this message....... WOOT!!

[amerikajin]

Hi.

 

I just came back from a Thanksgiving dinner at my brother's place. It made me realize how much i hate my family. I am then youngest of 3, and happen to be the only female. My parents, for as long as i can remember, have always "shamed" me for almost everything I've ever done. Either that or they have always been unsupportive. For example, my father told said to me on the day i graduated college, "Religious Studies...what are you gonna do with yourself with this degree?" When I was 18 and had plans for moving to Ca from NY, my mother says to me, "I don't think this is a good idea. Don't come crawling back to us if you need money." And last night, while giving thanks for Thanksgiving, my brother decides I didn't "do it right" and asked me if I was forgetting to mention my boyfriend as something I was thankful for. I didn't include him because i thought it was pretty self explanitory, and I would've rather given thanks to the meal. This is a typical issue in my family. i've always felt disrespected because i was a woman, and because i was the youngest. But just about everything in my life has been asked "WHY" by my parents. They have never once been supportive of ANYTHING i'veever done. I also should mention that I think OUTSIDE the box and do not feel the need to get married and have babies to prove myself. My mother considers me the failure in the family because of my lack of interest in having children. I love to travel internationally, but noone seems to give me any respect for the world that i've seen. My brothers and parents all feel that SUCCESS=MaRRIAGE/FAMILY, and until I "settle down" I am not worth respecting. I am very uncomfortable around all of them, and feel i cannot be myself at all, for fear of shame and the disresepct i might feel from them. I really hate them, and hate the holidays because I feel forced to spend time with them. Am i normal. What can i do about it? Anyone is a similar position?? Please Advise!!

 

I don't think you hate your family, but you hate the way they make you feel. I can relate, though I don't think my feelings are quite as intense. I love my family, especially my mother -- there's nothing she wouldn't do for me and I know that. I love my half-siblings but as I've gotten older I have become acutely aware of the fact that even though we shared a common parent (my two sisters and I share the same dad; my brother the same mom), we come from different backgrounds. We are separated by age, too. We are entirely different people and I often get the sense that they feel like I got everything they didn't. I didn't notice it when I was younger but I notice it now. I've found it more difficult to relate to them as I've gotten older. I'm going "home" for the holidays but a part of me would rather not - it stresses me out now. So yeah, I can relate.

[nashua]

WOW!!! I will totally trade families with you. You seriously would make my parents drool. You are their dream daughter. To the T. I would just love to be at your table, and rock the boat a little bit.

 

Here is what I read in your post:

 

You are the black sheep of the family!! OUTSTANDING!! you did not conform to becoming the woman they want you to be. You live your life to your own expectations, and to your level of enjoyment. PAT YOUR SELF ON THE BACK IMMEDIATELY!! There is no disrespect to your family, parents, or even elders for being the best YOU you can be. They can't figure out what YOU is supposed to be, that's your lifelong quest my friend!

 

I have had many dinners like you described. After leaving each time crying and feeling about <..> this small, I quit going to family events. No holidays, no gatherings, nada. For my own mental health and well being, I separated myself from that drama of not being the ONE to RULE THEM ALL, in their eyes. Who the hell can live up to that? AND WHY DO WE TRY?? Oh its hard enough to please ourselves, now add mom and pop to the list and 40 prozacs later, being just like broccoli is way better than being coherent during dinner.

 

YOU are just amazing. Just competent, brilliant even. This is their loss that they can't see through their own fog to even notice. Tsk Tsk, for shame. It could be that they are wanting to live vicariously through you because they missed a bus stop somewhere on the happiness tour. Its plausible, but don't worry bout it. If you want to live up to those expectations, you are welcome to my family anytime. They would worship you, all the while saying, "SEE? why can't you be more like that??" Black sheep's must unite!!!

 

I'm 32, the baby of 6, a voluntary Black Sheep; and I approve this message....... WOOT!!

 

 

Well, thank you VERY VERY much. i'm not used to such support of my differences! I cannot express to you how happy I am that you wrote this. Its this type of support I wish i had as a child.

 

This made my day!!

[kkthxbye]

I'm really glad you are feeling a lot better about your situation, glad to help. Its very true, and sometimes when you learn the hard way how much it hurts beating your head against a brick wall.....you just want to shout it out the world to save yourself!!! Don't bother with that drama!!!!

 

The hardest part of letting go, was being ignored, labelled selfish, getting e-mails from the family flaming me for not coming to even weddings or births.

 

This is how I read it all now: "I'm so jealous that you had the courage to leave our family. Our family hurts each other in sickly and sadistic ways on purpose for gratification. I'm jealous that you are not doped up on nerve pills just to tolerate a get together like the rest of us. Boy I wish I could be where you are, but I will pay my dues, and be miserable at these things wishing I was fishing."

 

I'll tell you something else here: If it weren't for my husband, I'd still be suckered into the pits of hell of my own voilition. He told me I come home a different person from my family get togethers. I come home rather depressed and angry. It takes him days to pick up the pieces of me that they rake their mean little fingernails on and leave me shredded. Unlike people made of steel, I have a hard time wearing a protective shroud going into the gladiator ring. So, my only alternative was to leave my family.

 

Its not at all that I don't love them, I just love myself too. And we all love a happy self, especially me. I save money on nerve pills each year since I divorced my family. Its not for everyone, but I highly recommend it to those in your situation. Some eventually grow up, but the great part is, YOU'RE NOT THE ONE RAISING THEM or teaching them how to have some freakin respect. It feels great.

 

My friend divorced her family one year after living with us and seeing how I did it. She has since gotten into a relationship with a nice guy, and I went to their wedding last October. See? See what getting away from all that BS can do for you? You can actually have a healthy life!!!! BY GOD ITS BRILLIANT!!!!!!