jealousy epiphanyand finding porn

[armywife915]

Ok, so I had an epiphany last night. My H and I went to see the movie Hitman (which kicked ass by the way) and of course there was some half naked woman and as I looked at her I didn't think about him looking at her until after the thought went through my head, "Damn, I wish I was skinny as her." So, I have realized it all stems from my self-esteem. I really don't know how to fix it but I am going to start working out today. I am going to go for a run first. I think that will help me burn off some emotional crap too.

 

So, I was on the computer last night and he had taken it to work yesterday. I found a porn website the guys had been on. I know he hadn't looked at it so I simply said, don't let the guys on your computer so I don't have to see that stuff. Well, he totally flipped out and started talking about my jealousy and even sent me a text message saying not to bring it on him. I thought H's were supposed to help you with your problems???? Well, he is leaving soon o be deployed so he won't have to deal with it. I am hoping to have my self-esteem raised by then. Who even knows.

 

How do I talk to him and explain to him I need his help through this?

[cj1988]

Hello,

 

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how you feel. BUT, I am skinny and to be frank have a really good body. I by all counts should NOT be insecure about porn either, BUT I AM ! I have dealt with this kind of thing for years now and my H always says the same thing " I do not understand WHY it bothers you, I am with you and these are women I will never see". It does not make me feel any better about it all. He likes nude bars as well, that bothers me even worse. He does ask me to go, so I cannot say much ! All I can tell you, skinny or not, MOST women have this in our blood ! Men do not care !

[Leia]

Why are you insecure about female porn stars?? They have nice bodies, sure but not all of them and please, most of them look so fake.

[armywife915]

Honestly, I just have major self-esteem issues. I shouldn't because I am very pretty and get hit on a lot. There is nothing wrong with me I know but I just can't get over it. I mean, I have said in a previous post, I am 5' and 117lbs so it's not like I am fat at all! I just don't even know. Maybe I am just crazy lol.

[Leia]

Honestly, I just have major self-esteem issues. I shouldn't because I am very pretty and get hit on a lot. There is nothing wrong with me I know but I just can't get over it. I mean, I have said in a previous post, I am 5' and 117lbs so it's not like I am fat at all! I just don't even know. Maybe I am just crazy lol.

 

Does your husband compliment you a lot on your looks? When you dress up for him? If he told you all the nice things.... you have nothing to worry about! I look good for myself first then for my boyfriend (if I had one).... always look and feel good about yourself.... make YOU happy first!

[hidee79]

armywife, almost every woman is insecure about her looks. Don't feel like it's just you!

 

How you can control it - fake it 'til you make it. As soon as you feel insecure, repeat this mantra:

 

"I am a goddess. I am beautiful, I am cute, I am smart, I am powerful, I am FABULOUS! My husband is so smart to have nabbed me, before another guy nabbed me. Why would he look at anyone else?? No other woman compares."

 

And then, laugh aloud at the insecure voice inside you.

 

You may think it's all fake to tell yourself how fabulous you are...but your brain honestly won't know the difference. Trained actors know that if you raise your face to the sky and smile, you instantly feel happy. That's why the laugh at the end is so important. Oh...and yes...lift your face to the sky and smile!

 

You CAN change your negative thoughts. And once you do it enough, you will believe it.

[armywife915]

Does your husband compliment you a lot on your looks? When you dress up for him? If he told you all the nice things.... you have nothing to worry about! I look good for myself first then for my boyfriend (if I had one).... always look and feel good about yourself.... make YOU happy first!

 

Yes he does compliment me all the time. That's why I feel so bad about being jealous

[Leia]

Yes he does compliment me all the time. That's why I feel so bad about being jealous

 

It's not easy to get over this especially when porn is concern because it isn't going anywhere any time soon!! I would focus on all the compliments you get from your husband and always remember it.

[Anna Comnena]

Ok.. I’ve read your post.. And it goes like this..

Are you the type of wife who has in the past acted jealous?

Well if you are, his response is an "auto reply" response to your jealous behavior.

 

I got to tell you.. I’ve never been a jealous person. Maybe this is because I realize that there will also be someone more beautiful, someone with bigger breast or a smaller waste line.. There will also be someone smarter or more willing than I am..

But.. I honestly believe that although, I’m not the prettiest, smartest, or thinist person in the world.... I’m pretty damn thing, smart, and pretty... and that MY particular combination of physical/mental attributes are pretty damn rare, if you ask me, and I treat my guy like a king.. So he would be an absolute fool to leave me for some BIMBO porn star.. Or for some naked, overly-dramatic movie star ditz......

Also, I honestly don’t believe that guys really want a bimbo porn star.. Yeahh... they like to look at them, fantasize about them, maybe even screw them...but... I can’t see any of my ex-boyfriends or current husband actually dating or marrying a girl who does that sort of thing.. (Most guys would freak to know they’re girl gets paid to be screwed each day.. Sort of thing).

It’s nice to be wanted....even sexually.. But I don’t find it flattering that a guy just wants to screw me... Especially considering that in a time of need.. SOME men will even turn to cattle, chickens, and even dead human corpses for sexual satisfaction...

Thereby.. Don’t be jealous because your man may want to screw some hot MOVIE or Porn star.. It really isn’t much of a complement.

[jtalia]

 

I got to tell you.. I’ve never been a jealous person. Maybe this is because I realize that there will also be someone more beautiful, someone with bigger breast or a smaller waste line.. There will also be someone smarter or more willing than I am..

But.. I honestly believe that although, I’m not the prettiest, smartest, or thinist person in the world.... I’m pretty damn thing, smart, and pretty... and that MY particular combination of physical/mental attributes are pretty damn rare, if you ask me, and I treat my guy like a king.. So he would be an absolute fool to leave me for some BIMBO porn star.. Or for some naked, overly-dramatic movie star ditz......

Also, I honestly don’t believe that guys really want a bimbo porn star.. Yeahh... they like to look at them, fantasize about them, maybe even screw them...but... I can’t see any of my ex-boyfriends or current husband actually dating or marrying a girl who does that sort of thing.. (Most guys would freak to know they’re girl gets paid to be screwed each day.. Sort of thing).

It’s nice to be wanted....even sexually.. But I don’t find it flattering that a guy just wants to screw me... Especially considering that in a time of need.. SOME men will even turn to cattle, chickens, and even dead human corpses for sexual satisfaction...

Thereby.. Don’t be jealous because your man may want to screw some hot MOVIE or Porn star.. It really isn’t much of a complement.

 

I like this advice AC. Never really thought of it this way when I was upset about finding out my H looked at porn.

[shadowofman]

I got to tell you.. I’ve never been a jealous person. Maybe this is because I realize that there will also be someone more beautiful, someone with bigger breast or a smaller waste line.. There will also be someone smarter or more willing than I am..

....and that MY particular combination of physical/mental attributes are pretty damn rare

This is actually the exact way that I see things. I mean in regards to myself. Sure, there are taller guys, and I wish I was taller, had a bigger penis, had a more masculine demeanor, etc, etc. but I have come to accept me for me. Can't wish myself better. I think most guys are like this, even your average beer bellied couch potato. Really, comparing myself to other men doesn't cross my mind at all. I admire what they have, but that's as far as it goes. This may sound completely insensative, but I pity all you ladies for feeling so inadequate. It's men that should feel inadequate compared to women.

It’s nice to be wanted....even sexually.. But I don’t find it flattering that a guy just wants to screw me... Especially considering that in a time of need.. SOME men will even turn to cattle, chickens, and even dead human corpses for sexual satisfaction...

Thereby.. Don’t be jealous because your man may want to screw some hot MOVIE or Porn star.. It really isn’t much of a complement.

Sad, but totally true. I used to have a boss that had a very good looking wife. At least every weekend, my boss (owned a bar) would have sex with a nasty (Imean really nasty) hooker in a back room.

Please, please, please ladies!!!! Do not, under any circumstances equate a promiscuous or cheating man with a poor self esteem. He DID NOT cheat because you weren't good enough.

Moral of the story....

.....if your not proud and satisfied with who you are, then no one else will be either. Women with a high self-esteem are the most attractive. I would assume that is why men like porn stars. They are not afraid to show themselves in ways that most of you ladies would be self conscious. I empathize with you all and your feelings, but you must see reality. It's good news!

[Ocean-Blue]

Ok, so I had an epiphany last night. My H and I went to see the movie Hitman (which kicked ass by the way) and of course there was some half naked woman and as I looked at her I didn't think about him looking at her until after the thought went through my head, "Damn, I wish I was skinny as her." So, I have realized it all stems from my self-esteem. I really don't know how to fix it but I am going to start working out today. I am going to go for a run first. I think that will help me burn off some emotional crap too.

 

So, I was on the computer last night and he had taken it to work yesterday. I found a porn website the guys had been on. I know he hadn't looked at it so I simply said, don't let the guys on your computer so I don't have to see that stuff. Well, he totally flipped out and started talking about my jealousy and even sent me a text message saying not to bring it on him. I thought H's were supposed to help you with your problems???? Well, he is leaving soon o be deployed so he won't have to deal with it. I am hoping to have my self-esteem raised by then. Who even knows.

 

How do I talk to him and explain to him I need his help through this?

 

IF you husband does in fact look at porn, does it bother you? If it does, you need to explain how his watching porn affects your self esteem. Ideally, you'd be secure enough that you wouldn't mind that he watches porn...but that is obviously not the case here.

 

You might want to take a sneakier, gentle approach (hehe...). He may feel you are being accusatory and shut down at the sight of any "problems". Perhaps you might trying being a little aggressive in your approach. Talk to him when he's relaxed and in a good mood. He may be more inclined to listen.

[lonelybird]

if my husband look at porn, the first thing cross my mind would question his moral , maybe that just me

 

but seriously I think self-confidence comes from how YOU look at yourself, do you let those things or others bother your mind or not, what is your source for defining yourself: good looking? creative? good wife? how men comments about you?.....if the sources to define value is shaky and changable, then self-confidence will go roaller coaster as well. you have to fight those negative thought by yourself, make it a good habit. there are times that even close dear person to us cannot help

[Anna Comnena]

I honestly believe myself to be of high ethics/morals.. And those I've dated in the past have really been outstanding men.. for the most part. And unless your HUSBAND WAS RAISED in a vacum, I'll bet you $100 bucks he's viewed some sort of porn!~ Little miss, Lonelybird.

 

All men look a women that they may be attracted to...in a sexual manner (unless they're gay), some men lie about it. Doesn't mean they act on it.. it's just temtation.... but... Does it really honestly matter if the women's clothes are on or off? I honestly think all men look.. just the ones who are religious or live with religious mates tend to keep their mouth shut.

 

But honestly, What is the difference between a man looking at a clothed woman and thinking about having sex with her.. versas a woman in skimpy clothing and thinking of having sex with her, or a woman topless or naked??

 

In all actuality .. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.. and guys work on automatied response of .. NO .. I WASN'T LOOKING & i wasn't thinking about sex... but that's such bull-sh*t.

 

A hard-on is a Hard-on.. MEN ARE GREAT AT HIDING THOSE AS WELL!!

 

Men are men, women are women and being attracted to good looking, young, healthy folkes is built in to our Genetics.. (which is statiscally proven).

 

Hell, even I (totally, utterly, 100% straight and always have been) can appreciate a good looking, fit woman who is dressed nicely, with perfect hair in makeup.. and I'll be the first to point out to my hubby to point out.. damn.." Look how great and put together some random woman looks!!"

 

and I'm not PRO-PORN.. I honestly think it's very self distructive for the women who do it.. It's amazing how porn queens LOVE it while they're high on cocain and absolutely f-up, but once they come down clean their act up, there typically find other lines of work.

(and don't argue to me on this one, I've thought about it long and hard, and I made up my mind.)

 

SOME men are attracted to the "dirty" side of the porn star or the trashy hooker like the previous post stated. Sort of a fantasy..or need of a nasty, dirty sexual deviation.. but I've seen women have it too, although they usually keep such things quite..

 

 

and, once again, SOME MEN WILL SCREW just about anything. The statistics of how many men have some sexual contact with animals sometime in their lifetime, usually their teen years, is ABSOLUTLY SCARY.

 

 

ANY WOMAN CAN BE F+UCKED, some even get paid for it, It's not a complement, if anything, it's quite offensive.

 

Any if he want's to go "f+uck" someone else so badly to risk losing you.. WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HIM DO IT SOONER THAN LATER SO YOU COULD MOVE ON TO SOMEONE MORE DERSERVING??????

 

ArmyWife::: Don't get upset that he looks at women, I'm sure you appreciate a good looking man too!! Try to get into it with him... "hey.. did you see that girl?? She's really pretty"

He won't know how to respond at first (because of the auto-reply mech) but, trust me, a huge weight will be lifted from YOUR shoulders.. I don't know how old you are, but generally, jealously fades with age.. It's just a fact.

 

Like I said previous, When I was about 18-19 I told my most jealous friend this advice.. about a year ago, I heard her give it to someone else.. It honestly works.

[Anna Comnena]

I honestly believe myself to be of high ethics/morals.. And those I've dated in the past have really been outstanding men.. for the most part. And unless your HUSBAND WAS RAISED in a vacum, I'll bet you $100 bucks he's viewed some sort of porn!~ Little miss, Lonelybird.

 

All men look a women that they may be attracted to...in a sexual manner (unless they're gay), some men lie about it. Doesn't mean they act on it.. it's just temtation.... but... Does it really honestly matter if the women's clothes are on or off? I honestly think all men look.. just the ones who are religious or live with religious mates tend to keep their mouth shut.

 

But honestly, What is the difference between a man looking at a clothed woman and thinking about having sex with her.. versas a woman in skimpy clothing and thinking of having sex with her, or a woman topless or naked??

 

In all actuality .. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.. and guys work on automatied response of .. NO .. I WASN'T LOOKING & i wasn't thinking about sex... but that's such bull-sh*t.

 

A hard-on is a Hard-on.. MEN ARE GREAT AT HIDING THOSE AS WELL!!

 

Men are men, women are women and being attracted to good looking, young, healthy folkes is built in to our Genetics.. (which is statiscally proven).

 

Hell, even I (totally, utterly, 100% straight and always have been) can appreciate a good looking, fit woman who is dressed nicely, with perfect hair in makeup.. and I'll be the first to point out to my hubby to point out.. damn.." Look how great and put together some random woman looks!!"

 

and I'm not PRO-PORN.. I honestly think it's very self distructive for the women who do it.. It's amazing how porn queens LOVE it while they're high on cocain and absolutely f-up, but once they come down clean their act up, there typically find other lines of work.

(and don't argue to me on this one, I've thought about it long and hard, and I made up my mind.)

 

SOME men are attracted to the "dirty" side of the porn star or the trashy hooker like the previous post stated. Sort of a fantasy..or need of a nasty, dirty sexual deviation.. but I've seen women have it too, although they usually keep such things quite..

 

 

and, once again, SOME MEN WILL SCREW just about anything. The statistics of how many men have some sexual contact with animals sometime in their lifetime, usually their teen years, is ABSOLUTLY SCARY.

 

 

ANY WOMAN CAN BE F+UCKED, some even get paid for it, It's not a complement, if anything, it's quite offensive.

 

Any if he want's to go "f+uck" someone else so badly to risk losing you.. WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HIM DO IT SOONER THAN LATER SO YOU COULD MOVE ON TO SOMEONE MORE DERSERVING??????

 

ArmyWife::: Don't get upset that he looks at women, I'm sure you appreciate a good looking man too!! Try to get into it with him... "hey.. did you see that girl?? She's really pretty"

He won't know how to respond at first (because of the auto-reply mech) but, trust me, a huge weight will be lifted from YOUR shoulders.. I don't know how old you are, but generally, jealously fades with age.. It's just a fact.

 

Like I said previous, When I was about 18-19 I told my most jealous friend this advice.. about a year ago, I heard her give it to someone else.. It honestly works.

[shadowofman]

I don't know if I would suggest "getting into it with him", if your really not into it. That could be a slippery slope.

First it's, "Wow, she is really pretty."

"Wow, she's really hot."

Then if you get into it, just like one of the guys, your likely to hear things like, "Wow, I would love to see those boobs." "Look at those DSLs" etc, etc.

Might not be great for the self-conscious if your as sensative as armywife is.

[armywife915]

I don't know if I would suggest "getting into it with him", if your really not into it. That could be a slippery slope.

First it's, "Wow, she is really pretty."

"Wow, she's really hot."

Then if you get into it, just like one of the guys, your likely to hear things like, "Wow, I would love to see those boobs." "Look at those DSLs" etc, etc.

Might not be great for the self-conscious if your as sensative as armywife is.

 

Um yeah definitely not a good idea. I was never jealous with anyone else. I even tried taking him to a strip club but I couldn't handle it. But I used to force my ex to go. Course, I wasn't happy with him and so much in love. When he is in Iraq I am going to have lots of time to work out and improve myself. I am excited for that!

[ElvenPriestess]

All women are jealous to an extent. And we tend to get insecure. I think it's a matter of how you approach him, how you word things, avoid putting him on the defensive. Like if you don't want him letting his friends looking that stuff up on his computer, that's fine. But approach it in a way of "You know I was thinking, I feel awkward when friends come over and later I stumble across things I don't want to see. Would it be ok if we have them restrict that activity to their own homes?

 

Note the "I" and "we". I'm going to give you advice a good friend and also psychologist gave to me.

"It's you versus him and the problem. It needs to be you and him versus the problem." Hope that helps a little:-)

[armywife915]

All women are jealous to an extent. And we tend to get insecure. I think it's a matter of how you approach him, how you word things, avoid putting him on the defensive. Like if you don't want him letting his friends looking that stuff up on his computer, that's fine. But approach it in a way of "You know I was thinking, I feel awkward when friends come over and later I stumble across things I don't want to see. Would it be ok if we have them restrict that activity to their own homes?

 

Note the "I" and "we". I'm going to give you advice a good friend and also psychologist gave to me.

"It's you versus him and the problem. It needs to be you and him versus the problem." Hope that helps a little:-)

 

See, I did approach him in a nice way. I said that I just didn't appreciate that they were looking at that stuff on his computer because I didn't need to see it. He said, fine I won't take my computer to work. However, he said it with an attitude which started an argument. I hadn't even said I thought he looked at it because I know he didn't. maybe he needs to hear that quote. I like it .

[ElvenPriestess]

It's worth a shot. But if you came to him calmly then you're definately on the right track. Just reassure him that you're not attacking or accusing him that you're simply ridding yourselves of an uncomfortable situation, and that you knew you could come to him. (A little stroke of the ego never hurts)

[michaelk]

I think that presenting it as a joint problem rather than you vs. him is a great idea. Anything you can do to defuse his defensive impulse, including showing a certain degree of interest (if you can), would be constructive.

 

Men can be very defensive about porn, and it can be automatic even when confronted in a positive way. In a puritanical society such as ours, where parents are often too ashamed to discuss sex with their children, many of us were raised with feelings of shame attached to their sexual impulses. When you broach the subject of porn, you might just be taking him back to puberty when he locked himself in the bathroom and his parents came knocking on the door asking, "Why are you taking so long in there?!?"

 

But seriously, the most effective thing my wife has done to make porn a non-issue in our marriage is to make sure I know it's not an issue with her. She even likes looking at certain things herself, and it doesn't mean anything other than that she's willing to indulge her own sexual curiosity. Very healthy, IMHO.