Gyjin Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I want to get a 2nd opinion or two. My W and I have had A LOT of issues with her talking A LOT with exes. (important: I don't think she's ever cheated on me, I just don't think it's OK to talk to exes daily, set up lunch dates to catch up etc...) Recently if I walk by her when she is on her email she jumps like she just got caught then minimizes the screen and asks "What? Can I help you?!" this happens on a regular basis and I am getting tired of it. I have decided to give her my email password in hopes that she will do the same. I have a feeling that she will not give me the info and I will just end up changing my password afterwards. I am almost to the point where I have given up and just let her chat up her exes and I'll track down mine out of spite and start chatting them up.---yeah not real mature but she seems to respond to games like that Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Asking her to share her password is just stupid... She has every right to have her own email and her own password.. it is called privacy..and since she has never cheated and you even said she isn't cheating with them.. I have no idea what my wifes passwords are to her emails.. and I don't care.. they are hers... If you make her give up her password then if she wanted to talk to her exes she would then either get a new email or just double delete. Even if she gives you the password she will have deleted any trace of speaking to an ex.. I think you need to get this issue out in the open and make it front and center... If you cannot trust her then things will just get worse from here.. and if she really is taking her ex relationships too far then your marriage is all turned upside down. Why not when you see her checking her email sit her down and ask to see her inbox and her sent folder.. then start the hashing out of this issue ? If she bucks you at that instant then you know your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I want to get a 2nd opinion or two. My W and I have had A LOT of issues with her talking A LOT with exes. (important: I don't think she's ever cheated on me, I just don't think it's OK to talk to exes daily, set up lunch dates to catch up etc...) Recently if I walk by her when she is on her email she jumps like she just got caught then minimizes the screen and asks "What? Can I help you?!" this happens on a regular basis and I am getting tired of it. I have decided to give her my email password in hopes that she will do the same. I have a feeling that she will not give me the info and I will just end up changing my password afterwards. I am almost to the point where I have given up and just let her chat up her exes and I'll track down mine out of spite and start chatting them up.---yeah not real mature but she seems to respond to games like that 2 wrongs don't make a right, so its probably best not to look up your ex's and start chatting out of spite. If she will not give you her password, then you'll know something is probably up. If she is minimizing the screen when you walk by something is up anyway. Don't overreact, because that will only make her be more careful of what she is doing and possibly hide it better. You could always put a keylogger on if she chooses not to let you in on what the deal is. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Asking her to share her password is just stupid... She has every right to have her own email and her own password.. it is called privacy..and since she has never cheated and you even said she isn't cheating with them.. I think telling someone its "stupid" is probably not very wise. And probably something he thought of to do off the top of his head, as he is probably confused what to do. I don't think him asking her for her password is over the top really. Its obvious something is up or she wouldn't act jumpy when he walks into the room. Nothing wrong with privacy, we all need it at times, but if a spouse is keeping something from the other then there is a problem. Wonderful if she has not cheated, that doesn't excuse ehr behavior. She is still acting weird when he walks into the room. Even if she haven't cheated whose to say she isn't talking about inapproperiate things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gyjin Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 AC- I agree as far as privacy goes. But like JackJack said, if she's getting jumpy and twitchy when I am in the same room with her there is probably something up. She has had issues of infidelity in prior relationships and that is making me uneasy with ours. JackJAck- I think you might be right about the keylogger, for my own peace of mind Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I think if you choose to go the keylooger route, maybe it should be used as a last resort. Something I should have mentioned before. Here are some things you might could try first: *Next time you walk into the room, if she acts weird and minimizines the screen, pull up a chair sit down next to her. Strike up a conversation about whatever, anythign other than what she is doing at the present moment. Watch and see if she remains uncomfortable. See if she pulls the screen back the way it was and conrinues with what she is doing. Or if she clicks out of what shes doing, or if she shuts everything down etc. *Be upfront in telling her you notice she gets jumpy when you walk into the room, ask her why. She may tell you she may not. If she is doing soemthign she doesn't care for you to know, she'll probably give you a pretty lame excuse. *Ask her for her password. She may give it to you she may not. *If she chooses not to, and you stil feel something is up and you're not getting straight answers then you might could do the keylogger thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gyjin Posted November 24, 2007 Author Share Posted November 24, 2007 I think if you choose to go the keylooger route, maybe it should be used as a last resort. Something I should have mentioned before. Here are some things you might could try first: *Next time you walk into the room, if she acts weird and minimizines the screen, pull up a chair sit down next to her. Strike up a conversation about whatever, anythign other than what she is doing at the present moment. Watch and see if she remains uncomfortable. See if she pulls the screen back the way it was and conrinues with what she is doing. Or if she clicks out of what shes doing, or if she shuts everything down etc. Tried that-she just closes the mail screen *Be upfront in telling her you notice she gets jumpy when you walk into the room, ask her why. She may tell you she may not. If she is doing soemthign she doesn't care for you to know, she'll probably give you a pretty lame excuse. Tried that- "Oh I do? I didn't notice. What do you want for dinner" *Ask her for her password. She may give it to you she may not. That's where I am at. I figured if I give her mine she'll see I have nothing to hide and hopefully will do the same because she has nothing to hide *If she chooses not to, and you stil feel something is up and you're not getting straight answers then you might could do the keylogger thing. This isn't a new issue and I have tried a few times this is just where it is now Link to post Share on other sites
JackJack Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 You said you and her have had alot issues before with her talking to exs. Seems like this has been a problem before? How long has she been doing this? Has she done it before, stopped, then started up again? Link to post Share on other sites
daisydufas22 Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I want to get a 2nd opinion or two. My W and I have had A LOT of issues with her talking A LOT with exes. (important: I don't think she's ever cheated on me, I just don't think it's OK to talk to exes daily, set up lunch dates to catch up etc...) Recently if I walk by her when she is on her email she jumps like she just got caught then minimizes the screen and asks "What? Can I help you?!" this happens on a regular basis and I am getting tired of it. I have decided to give her my email password in hopes that she will do the same. I have a feeling that she will not give me the info and I will just end up changing my password afterwards. I am almost to the point where I have given up and just let her chat up her exes and I'll track down mine out of spite and start chatting them up.---yeah not real mature but she seems to respond to games like that Sorry you feel this way! Hmmm....that's a hard one! If you ask her for the password, my guess is that she will become defensive and argue that trust is important. However, on the other hand.......I don't think I would like it if my partner was talking to his exs daily! Her behaviour is not quite right, so I would be wondering what was going on too if I was you. In the end, I would more than likely ask for the password .....I would word it carefully. By doing this, I would hope that partner would be aware that I have picked up that something isn't right. I don't think, the end result would be that the password would be given to me. It's a tough question...... good luck, I hope everything works out well and that you keep us informed about the outcome Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Lets see what you have written: 1) Your wife on a daily basis stays in contact with her ex's. 2) She sets up lunch dates to meet with them to "catch-up". 3) You walk into the room and she minimizes the screen and acts very uncomfortable when this happens. 4) In the past she has had infedility issues. All of this and you think she would not cheat on you? You really have to be in denial. I do not think most men would accept what she is doing. It is clearly disrespecting you and your relationship. It really is unacceptable. The fact that she has had infedility issues in the past is really disturbing. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. She is hiding the screen from you because she is afraid of your reaction if you read what she is writing. This seems quite clear. Why are you putting up with this type of behavior? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. She is showing very little respect toward you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I think a keylogger is certainly in order. My hunch is that you will find that she may be engaging in if not physical cheating then emotional cheating. When people get married they let go of their previous lovers. Why are you so accepting of this? I think this would be a deal breaker for most husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I think telling someone its "stupid" is probably not very wise. And probably something he thought of to do off the top of his head, as he is probably confused what to do. I didn't mean stupid and in he was stupid... I meant stupid as in it will go nowhere.. she has a right to have her own privacy and trying to get her to reveal hers to him so he can check up on her is just distrustful and will do nothing but cause more problems. She will just go get another email addy... So it is over the top for him to just ask her for her password.. it won't work.. She will just cover up things even more than she does now... Perhaps the keylogger.. The issue with those is that if she has a good anti virus/spyware program it will get detected very quickly and then he will look like the bad guy.. I do think he needs to get this issue out in the open so no more sneaking and accusations will happen.. She seems to be doing something sneaky.. he wants to catch her... That scenario is full of distrust.. The best answer might be a confrontation..I'm normally not into those but just about anything he will try won't work.. Why not sit her down and tell her what in on your mind exactly?.. Tell her you think she is cheating and you would like her to show you that she isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 Using a keylogger on her computer without her knowledge or consent seems far more out of line/devious than just asking for her password. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 I didn't mean stupid and in he was stupid... I meant stupid as in it will go nowhere.. she has a right to have her own privacy and trying to get her to reveal hers to him so he can check up on her is just distrustful and will do nothing but cause more problems. She will just go get another email addy... ~I understand what you're saying. And yes people are entitled to their own privacy. But if she is acting weird, and minimizing screens and emails when he walks in, then perhaps she threw her privacy out the window once she felt the need to hide something. If she had nothing to hide, she would continue to type or chat to who ever when he walks into the room. ~Him asking her for her password is no more distrustful than what she may be already doing. People usually "check up" on others when they feel they have no clear cut answers to something. I'm not saying checking up is always the answer and probably should be used as a last resort kind of thing. ~A_C that is wonderful you don't know your wife's passwords nothing wrong with that at all, but you and your wife are not the ones in this particular situation right now either. She more than likely is not minimizing her emails and acting weird when you walk into a room either. Because if she were, I bet the situation would be different, and we know you probably wouldn't ask for her password you're far to cleaver for that. ~Anyway, to the OP, asking for the password, a keylogger, point blank asking her what the deal is, whichever you do, try to get to the bottom of this, espcially since this has not been the first time this kind of thing with being in contact with the EX's has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 ~A_C that is wonderful you don't know your wife's passwords nothing wrong with that at all, but you and your wife are not the ones in this particular situation right now either. She more than likely is not minimizing her emails and acting weird when you walk into a room either. Because if she were, I bet the situation would be different, and we know you probably wouldn't ask for her password you're far to cleaver for that. You either trust someone or you don't trust someone... Trust is black and white... I trust my wife.. and if she hid windows or closed out her email when I walked in a room I would more than likely assume that she was viewing something she didn't want me to view.. privacy... It wouldn't necessarily mean than she was viewing something bad for our marriage.. Now.. if I distrusted her then I might think something different.. I trust her so I would just shrug it off and move on to whatever brought me into the room.. The OP doesn't trust his wife.. maybe because of things she has done to him.. maybe not.. Distrust of ANY kind isn't a healthy emotion to have in a marriage.. If you feel that you distrust someone then you need to remedy it.. doing further distrustful things doesn't bring more trust into a relationship it continues to make things worse.. I do agree with Pandora that you need to get to the bottom of it.. Link to post Share on other sites
PandorasBox Posted November 24, 2007 Share Posted November 24, 2007 You either trust someone or you don't trust someone... Trust is black and white... I trust my wife.. and if she hid windows or closed out her email when I walked in a room I would more than likely assume that she was viewing something she didn't want me to view.. privacy... It wouldn't necessarily mean than she was viewing something bad for our marriage.. Now.. if I distrusted her then I might think something different.. I trust her so I would just shrug it off and move on to whatever brought me into the room.. The OP doesn't trust his wife.. maybe because of things she has done to him.. maybe not.. Distrust of ANY kind isn't a healthy emotion to have in a marriage.. If you feel that you distrust someone then you need to remedy it.. doing further distrustful things doesn't bring more trust into a relationship it continues to make things worse.. I do agree with Pandora that you need to get to the bottom of it.. I get what you're saying. And if your wife closed out a window with no previous history of chatting up EX's then of course you might not be suspicous. But since they have a history of her doing this before, then natually he is distrusting her And no, distrust is not good. Sounds to me if this has happend before, then the issue may have not been delt with properly or resolved. I really don't know. My question to the OP is, if this has happend before, with her chatting up EX's how did you handle it before? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gyjin Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 read the update for more info Link to post Share on other sites
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