Should I let my husband go?

[sassybutter]

I have been married for almost 9 years, I have two wonderful children. The problem is is that I have never really loved my husband, in fact we have both expressed how we just view each other as friends.

 

When I was in high school I dated a guy for 7 years, I always thought that I would marry this man. But it never happened he married someone else as I did.

 

I have had no contact with him for several years, but still thought and even dreamed of him daily. I loved him so much, we were both just so young. I have heard that he is getting a divorce and I have spoken with him, actually on a daily basis.

 

I am so confused about all of this, I cannot believe that after so many years that all my feeling for him would just still remain, we talk so easily and its as if we were never apart.

 

I am not asking you if I should pursue this relationship, but what I want to know is if you think that I am hindering my husband from a loving relationship with another women by staying with him, I feel very guilty for not being able to be the wife he deserves, just a good friend, and now I wonder if I should let him go so that he can find that relationship that he so deserves.

 

I think that I have never gotten over this man and possibly that is why I am unable to be the wife my husband deserves.

[Tony T]

Your husband is very unfortunate to have had a woman who doesn't love him marry him. It's unfortunate for your children to.

 

Staying in a loveless marriage for a lifetime is not something anybody should want to do. Get out of it as soon as possible.

 

However, I seriously doubt things will go OK for your long lost love. People change over time and the person you loved many years ago will not be the same person now.

 

Once you're out of your marriage, take some time to look for Mr. Right. There is no good reason why you should make ANOTHER big mistake just because someone happens to be available. You now know how heartbreaking being married to the wrong person is. Take extra special care not to let this happen again.

 

Be friends with you lost love and do explore that. But see other people as well for a time and explore. You don't need to do a rebound thing. Remember, the memories you have of him are totally manufactured in your mind through filters of your own choosing.

 

In any case, please....don't be in any major rush!!!

[flower]

could you share the reason why you marry him at first and how about your 2 children?

[sassybutter]

I think that I am just confussed, I thought I loved him and I think I do love him but just not like I should.

 

I have a hard time showing him affection.

 

My two children have become my life and I center everything around them, in fact that is another reason that my husband and I do not do things together. I have made my children a safe haven for me, but in turn I have seen where I have wronged them.

[Dude]

I feel very sorry for your husband. If i was married to a woman who for the past couple years never loved me and always thought about someone else I would be devestated and very heart broken.

[Carly]

I feel for you and I have been struggling with similar issues.

 

In considering whether to stay or leave, you are still in fanatasy mode about leaving. You have not yet come to terms with the ugliness of separation and divorce, especially when kids are involved. If you have centred your life around your children, you probabaly cannot even begin to imagine the pain and grief you will experience once you start talking with them about divorce, let alone starting to pack up and move them out of the family home.

 

You say that you can't express affection with your husband. There are many reasons why people cannot connect emotionally with their partners, and they aren't always because they don't love their partner. Go to Gottman.com and read his books and material on this issue, or to Lerner's book, The Dance of Intimacy. You owe it to yourself, your husband and your kids to explore this issue thoroughly before throwing in the towel on your marriage and your family as you know it.

 

The other thing I highly recommend is to start reading books about separation and divorce, and books on how to deal with the children during the break-up: how to talk to them about it, how to maintain communication with the ex, how to get them counselling if they need it, dealing with lawyers, living with less money, etc.. There are lots of web sites on the internet that provide hard and true testimonials on these experiences as well.

 

As I have learned, all of these resources for divorcing parents are straight-shooting, and the picture they paint sure ain't pretty.

 

Do I think that it is ever right to break up a family? Yes! In some cases it is absoltuely the right thing to do. All I'm saying is that the decison is much, much more serious than your fantasies are currently making it out to be. The people on this site and elsewhere who feel good about their divorces describe much worse situations than yours to make it all worth it. And Tony is supportive of you leaving the marriage as you describe it, but (I am judging from his previous posts) he has no direct experience with children and divorce to speak of. Tony has never had to initiate a talk with his kids about why mommy and daddy are divorcing; Tony has never consoled his kids who are crying in their beds at night over the loss of their family security as they knew it.

 

Before I wanted to initiate such talks with my kids, I'd have to be sure that what I was leaving was bad enough to make it all worth it. I think that my situation is worse than yours (as you describe it anyway), and I am still thinking long and hard.

 

Back to the web sites and books on divorce: Keep your eyes and heart open to peole like you, who have experienced doubts about the marraige, who have left to pursue a dream (yes, including old lovers!) and have failed miserably in that dream, only living to regret their divorce. There are many such stories.

 

My bottom line to you: If you are so unsure about breaking up the family that you have to get reassurance from an anoymous internet forum, then your marriage isn't nearly bad enough to make the break worth it.

 

But don't take my word for it. Read up on separation and divorce, and see for yourself whether or not you think you could stomach it.

 

Oh, and I wouldn't pay any attention to Dude's advice. Look up his posts in the thread on how he wanted (and got) anal sex from his girlfriend despite the risks. This is not a sensitive guy from whom you should be taking advice on whether or not to leave your husband.

 

Good luck with your struggles.

[Dude]

First of all I am in a very manogamous relationship with a girl who I've been with for quite a long, so there really isnt risk of anything - for the person who typed the response about me. Oh and for the original post im sorry for telling you to not leave your husband and how bad he would feel. You of coarse need to do what you feel would make you the happiest.

[NEONINK]

Well, I must agree with Dude, I feel sorry for the husband.

 

It's very sad for both people, especially because they have children and if he has provided for her, been emotionally available to her then he has been cheated out of love. Everyone needs and wants love. I wish these two could find some between them.

 

I know so many relationships suffer because of ex's. I prefer me over the memory...

[julieg]

sassybutter-- you may be intrigued with your ex in an attempt to reconnect with your carefree youth when the future was ideal and so bright. so in essence the breakup and reconnect with the past is all about you. you have 2 young children now they deserve full time parents who are mature and living in the present and secure with themselves. at the start your husband looked like a good choice to marry -- there have to be many redeeming qualities in him.

i think you need to talk to a good friend, read some books are perhaps consider therapy.