In search of relationship/companionship

[Trialbyfire]

Here's a methodology you could attempt to apply, in future. Internal dialogue goes as follows:

• He's cute. So what?
  
• He's nice. I want to get to know him better. Who is he? What are his core values?
  
• Wow, I really like his core values.
  
• Okay, I think I'm beginning to like him as a person.

[Leia]

Thank you! I'm sure I will be able to use the mentioned method. It really helps talking about this.

 

I don't care what people think of me... I'm a snob, or spoiled or a stuck up female dog..... but I would hate to know that people call me "OW"... I think that is another thing that bugs the hell out of me. Thanks to those cheaters!!!

 

Come to think of it, my issues aren't that big of a deal but thank you for taking the time to respond. I have to work on my fears.... and hopefully I'll get over it sooner than later....

[Pyro]

Thank you! I'm sure I will be able to use the mentioned method. It really helps talking about this.

 

I don't care what people think of me... I'm a snob, or spoiled or a stuck up female dog..... but I would hate to know that people call me "OW"... I think that is another thing that bugs the hell out of me. Thanks to those cheaters!!!

 

Come to think of it, my issues aren't that big of a deal but thank you for taking the time to respond. I have to work on my fears.... and hopefully I'll get over it sooner than later....

 

Just remember that everyone perceives things differently and not everyone looks at something in the correct way. That is unfortunate that some have looked at you in that way, but you know what you are and you did the right thing, but you have the right "i don't care what others think of me" attitude.

 

I think that once time does it job and helps you overcome your fears that you'll be alright.

[dutchie]

LOL Why am I not surprised that he is a salesman!

 

The hurt will always be there, that's what sucks about getting hurt that way. I heard that lying b****** ex of mine married his ex-girlfriend. Good for them!

 

Leia, for what it's worth, I experienced a similar situation several years ago. I fell hard for a guy that had a fiancee the entire time. He went so far as to bring me home to his parents(they probably thought I was the biggest, dumbest, slut in the universe, b/c I had NO CLUE:mad:) AND he had his own pad just for cheating. I later found out that not only was he engaged but he had MANY MANY other lovers. DISGUSTING:sick::sick:. He married his fiancee 3 months after we "broke up." To this day, I don't know if she has figured it out and stays because she doesn't think she can do better or maybe she still doesn't know.

 

Anyways, it took me a long time to get over this, but I did. I had to go through some times of serious mistrust, and I think I scared off a couple of "good" guys in the process.

 

And just FYI, I saw the scumbag about 6 months ago, and he saw me too. He is fat now and is almost completely gray. (Not that that is ugly, I have some grays myself:eek:, but since the last time I saw him, WOW) He was calling my name across the parking lot and I just pretended like he wasn't there. THAT felt good. But I am completely over him/it now, so...

 

I guess what I am saying is EVENTUALLY, if you break the chain of attracting toxic people, you can get over this and meet someone nice and honest.

[oppath]

I feel that if I don't get over this, I will hurt the next guy who is actually single and sincere in wanting to be with me. Thanks, I agree with you on people overcoming their fears at their own pace.... I just wish I would be done with it soon!

 

The truth is...most people take a long time to truly be over past pains. Quite honestly, if you have endured some bad luck, as much as it is true that you have to love yourself to be loved, at some point, to have all that pain fade you just have to feel loved by someone in a good and honest relationship.

 

It has taken me almost a year too, and I still feel lots of pain at times because of my ex, and that pain is stoked if a girl I am dating hangs out with her ex or acts at all sketchy. It will take a combination of me making better choices, me treating myself well, and eventually, meeting someone amazing for that pain to fully fade. There is no time table. What matters is what you do with the time you have. If you have spent your time growing as a person, and learning to recognize patterns of behavior or yellow flags (those are the dubious ones), then you have spent that time wisely.

[Leia]

You must have felt really low!!!! I'm so sorry you went through that! I would feel the same.... I actually did! Although I only met his sister (mother passed away & father is overseas) and friends. I thought I had it bad! Why in Hell's name did he bring you back to meet his parents? Oh I guess to make himself look sincere!!! I have come across one like your ex!

 

I think I scared away one or two good guys.... I don't regret that.... I don't think I was ready, I'm still not ready to commit then or now.

 

At least he's fat now.... People say when you're married, you go fat because you're happy.... is that so?

 

Thanks for sharing your story.... have you met someone worth it now?

[Leia]

Don't I know that! Thanks Oppath, it will take me much longer. It has been more than a year now. I have dated a few but nothing serious. I should tell my friends to stop hooking me up with their friends because so far, none of them are actually single!

 

I got over one pain from the help of an ex. He made the pain fade away but alas.... things didn't work out between us. I got over that pain by myself.... so this shouldn't be too hard. Yeah right!

 

Ex-es sucks big time. I can't say that enough. I have gone through enough to know what to look out for. I know if I had a crush or met someone new, I can count on you people to tell me if he's a d***head or not!

[izzylicious]

Leia, I can relate to you in a certain kind of way...I've never been the OW (that I know of) but I have come to realize that I am almost ALWAYS attracted to emotionally or physically unavailable men. The physically unavailable men have been 2 long distance relationships and one man who was too busy to spend time with me, the emotionally unavailable men: one had addiction issues and one who just wanted a companion with no romantic involvement. MM are also EUM/PUM. I always thought I got involved with these certain kinds of men because I am independent and busy and I'm not "needy." But the truth I am learning is that I am also emotionally unavailable, which is why I attract men like that. I don't understand it completely, but I plan to start therapy after Christmas. Here is a link that explains it better: http://aot.psychologytoday.com/cms/askrecent.html

 

Good luck!!

[Leia]

Hi! You're not Izzy from Grey's Anatomy, are you?

 

I never would have thought this is something someone would go for therapy. Did you know beforehand that they were attached? As for me, I didn't and right now, I'm trying to avoid getting too serious with any guy until I figure out what are my fears are.

 

One is I can't trust a guy because of what I went through. I was up all night thinking about this. Another fear I have is that if I found someone trustworthy, what if I wasn't all that great to him and then he'll leave. I will have to start all over. I understand relationships come and go... marriages now-a-days do not last. My family and friends didn't like the guys I have gone out with. That's another whole issue.... getting someone that is good enough for me.... in my eyes and everyone else's too.

 

Thanks for the link, Izzylicious. Will check it out!

[dutchie]

 

Thanks for sharing your story.... have you met someone worth it now?

 

yes...

[izzylicious]

Haha, I actually did choose my name from the Gray's Anatomy character, because I feel akin to her: strong but with a very emotional side...but after I read your response I realized part of the reason I understand the character is that she always falls for unavailable men!!

As for the unavailable men I've been involved with, they aren't attached to other women, but they aren't available for real emotional give and take because of distance, working too much, drinking, etc. According to what I read of emotional unavailability, the fear is of emotional intimacy for both the man and the woman involved. My friends tell me when I find the right man it will melt away, but like you I'm afraid that I'll really mess up when I meet a truly genuine *available* trustworthy guy. That's why I want to go to therapy!

Well, I think that maybe you should listen to your friends and family from now on--it sounds as though they sensed that something wasn't right with the guys before you did?

[Leia]

Haha, I actually did choose my name from the Gray's Anatomy character, because I feel akin to her: strong but with a very emotional side...but after I read your response I realized part of the reason I understand the character is that she always falls for unavailable men!!

As for the unavailable men I've been involved with, they aren't attached to other women, but they aren't available for real emotional give and take because of distance, working too much, drinking, etc. According to what I read of emotional unavailability, the fear is of emotional intimacy for both the man and the woman involved. My friends tell me when I find the right man it will melt away, but like you I'm afraid that I'll really mess up when I meet a truly genuine *available* trustworthy guy. That's why I want to go to therapy!

Well, I think that maybe you should listen to your friends and family from now on--it sounds as though they sensed that something wasn't right with the guys before you did?

 

My family and friends were concerned about the guys I went out with. My cousins look out for me very well, we all are very close with each other. One or two of the guys I was seeing were friends of ours so after they found out, they cut their friendship off with those cheaters. My cousins and friends will always do a thorough background check up on guys they want to introduce from now on. I find that very sweet. I'm lucky in that way, I have people looking after me but I think I'd rather find a guy on my own.

 

I liked a guy very much few months back but he isn't emotionally available. Too bad because he is single. Oh well... things happen for a reason

[oppath]

I liked a guy very much few months back but he isn't emotionally available. Too bad because he is single. Oh well... things happen for a reason

 

Did you meet me a few months back?!?

 

I can't decide if I was emotionally unavailable with a girl I was dating, or if our connection was somehow lacking. (It was lacking compared to others I have felt in the past; just because you are attracted to someone, the sex is good, they treat you well, and you genuinely get along, does not mean a relationship is viable. And I wonder if we didn't have sex the first time we saw each other -- we were old friends who reconnected long distance -- and just dated, if anything would have happened at all.)

 

I don't feel very available at this moment, but that could change if a lovely woman such as yourself crossed my path.

 

You'll be fine. You are doing the right things, taking time to examine your patterns. There is that cliche line: someday you will meet someone who will make you realize why all the others did not work out.

[Leia]

Now that you mentioned it.... it could have been you!

 

I'm with you - just because everything else is good between both partners does not mean that relationship will survive. It takes more than love to make a relationship work. I used to think love is enough.... I thought wrong!

 

I am trying to do the right thing. Get things sorted out and then start dating.. for the mean time, I am all up for flirting as I am single and available! I only go for single and available men.... those married/attached no need apply!

[JHS]

Thanks, Trialbyfire.

 

I have a lot to think about... more to think about! I have listed the signs that I have seen or experienced. I can't say it's them being mysterious... some of them are not at all except the one that didn't invite me in into his place.... I just felt it was a sign that I should drop him so I did.

 

All these guys that I mentioned, there was a year or more apart from each relationship so in between those period of time that I was not seeing anyone, I got over it and thought not all men are the same but after so many times meeting guys who keep lying about their status.... I give up!

 

Can I call you? You seem interesting.