In search of relationship/companionship

[Leia]

I just saw this board/category. I wrote my story in another board.

 

I have had some scars in my life that made me think about a loto f things especially relationships. I just don't know if I could do it all over again with what I have gone through. It gets to me because I have my walls up around me. I don't want to end up being with someone's boyfriend/fiancee/husband. I am nothing like that. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate or have anything aganist those who chose to get involved with someone who is attached, I have problems with men who chose not to tell women that they are attached.

 

I guess I am just looking for a place to vent because my friends don't seem to think I have a big problem. I don't think it takes a big problem to talk about it... any problem no matter how big or small is still a problem!

[knaveman]

I tend to think we all came here for similar reasons, why we stay is always different. Sometimes problems just need to be talked out and before you know it they are solved, for me just writing them is enough most times. Vent away that's why we're here.

[oppath]

I always find women just out of long term relationships, and the song remains the same: even if they push the relationship, at some point, the ex is still involved or they aren't ready. Recognizing my patterns is important. I'm trying to stay away from women who haven't been single for at least 3 months and I am trying to solicit early on "when did your last relationship end? Are you ready for a new relationship? Do you still keep in contact with your ex? What are your boundaries regarding an ex in a new relationship?"

 

It took me a while, mainly, lots of casual dates with women and them asking me those things, to understand that it is ok to ask women those questions after a couple dates, not as an inquisition, but within the framework of a more general discussion. Of course, it does not matter, I just go ahead and get involved with women in a relationship anyway!

 

Point is, if you are attracted to unavailable men, that is your pattern you need to break. I understand though...if you don't know in advance, or you don't know until you feel a little attached, how do you avoid it?

 

Simple. Ask earlier. Not on date one, but on date 3 or 4, I think it is fair conversation to ask "when was your last relationship? Are you ready for a relationship and looking for one?" If you feel chemistry, I understand not wanting to rock the boat by asking those questions, but quite honestly, nothing is wrong with asking them around the time when you'd start getting more physically intimate with someone.

[Leia]

Thanks for responding.

 

I don't know if I would call it a pattern. Most of the guys I have been involved with chose not to tell me in the beginning or even if they did, they lied about it.

 

I have this habit where I ask in advance lately to avoid getting into deeper. I can't bear the thought of going through another round of 'I have a girlfriend actually or a fiancee or wife'!!! I always find out from their partners or friends. Rarely from themselves.

[Leia]

Thank you. I find it good to vent too.

[oppath]

Thanks for responding.

 

I don't know if I would call it a pattern. Most of the guys I have been involved with chose not to tell me in the beginning or even if they did, they lied about it.

 

I have this habit where I ask in advance lately to avoid getting into deeper. I can't bear the thought of going through another round of 'I have a girlfriend actually or a fiancee or wife'!!! I always find out from their partners or friends. Rarely from themselves.

 

I completely understand. My experiences are similar, not that they have a bf, but they lie about being emotionally ready or if they still hang out with the ex. As far as I am concerned, if we agree to be bf-gf, if they are hanging out with an ex at all that person should know about me and I should get the chance to meet him, but that doesn't happen, they just lie. And what do you do when someone lies about just exiting a 2 year relationship 1 week before meeting you?

 

At the end of the day, however, you are still somehow responsible and you probably ignore evidence. Nothing is wrong with ascertaining their status to avoid getting in deeper. That is something you SHOULD do. Be selective.

 

Let's get over our bad choices together, shall we!! It's ok to be single a while. Let's choose partners who are good for us.

[Trialbyfire]

Leia, how do you meet these men and how long do you know them for?

[Leia]

If you read my other thread which is like a novel or a preview of one, you would know why I am having issues with 'trust'.

 

I don't lie to guys, I don't push them nor do I smother them. I think I make a great girlfriend if I may say so myself but I don't get to be for long because of these guys I come across. They are lying piece of s***!!!!

 

It's ok to be single. I don't have a problem with that. I have been single for a long time and I am in no rush.... It is sad because I am in no rush because I have it in me that all guys lie. From my experience of course. No doubt there are honest men out there but very very RARE!

[oppath]

I did read your other thread and I have no doubts you've just had some bad luck and aren't responsible, and I feel for you on that. Some people just have bad luck. I remember being at a bar and my friend telling me "so the day your ex started acting distant, well, someone from her past came back and essentially proposed to her" and a girl I dated briefly but stopped answering my calls entered. She approached me and said "why the long face?" I told her why, she looked at my friend and said "you know this guy has really bad dating luck, right?"

 

You are likely a great gf, and you will find a great, SINGLE and honest guy. But how you meet them, how well you know them before being involved, and the flags (they don't have to be red, just yellow) you ignore do matter. I've read your longer post. You've been screwed over, but I believe you can learn from it to ensure a higher likelihood of meeting an honest man in the future.

[Leia]

Leia, how do you meet these men and how long do you know them for?

 

They approached me, some are old friends and friends of friends. One guy I have known for a long time. It's all in the other thread. Another about 2 years... or more.

 

I find it hard to trust men... to be honest with you, I hate that I don't trust men. I look up to my father, brothers and male cousins because they are all trustworthy so I wonder why I don't mean guys like them?

[Leia]

I did read your other thread and I have no doubts you've just had some bad luck and aren't responsible, and I feel for you on that. Some people just have bad luck. I remember being at a bar and my friend telling me "so the day your ex started acting distant, well, someone from her past came back and essentially proposed to her" and a girl I dated briefly but stopped answering my calls entered. She approached me and said "why the long face?" I told her why, she looked at my friend and said "you know this guy has really bad dating luck, right?"

 

You are likely a great gf, and you will find a great, SINGLE and honest guy. But how you meet them, how well you know them before being involved, and the flags (they don't have to be red, just yellow) you ignore do matter. I've read your longer post. You've been screwed over, but I believe you can learn from it to ensure a higher likelihood of meeting an honest man in the future.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your ex girlfriend. I might have just that - bad dating luck!

 

I don't know really know if I am a great girlfriend... I haven't had any complains... yet but it did make me wonder... maybe I am only good enough to be a guy's side dish which is stupid when I think hard and long! I have a lot to offer but all the guys I meet....

[Trialbyfire]

If it happens often, there's a reason. This doesn't mean it's conscious effort on your part. Sometimes, we attract certain types of individuals, due to personality type.

 

It was quite funny because another member was laughing at me for attracting NPD men, from another incident she witnessed. Keep in mind that my ex-H was NPD and in thinking about it, I'm positive a few of the guys I've dated have been close. Now, I have to work on why and how. I think I know the signs now, so I can avoid it a little better, but avoiding is not understanding.

 

Look to why this type of man is attracted to you and why you reciprocate. What is the commonality? Are they always in a hurry to get to know you better? Do they seem to invest quicker with more intensity of emotion? Are they kind of mysterious, which makes them sexy to you? It could be a number of reasons.

[Leia]

Thanks, Trialbyfire.

 

I have a lot to think about... more to think about! I have listed the signs that I have seen or experienced. I can't say it's them being mysterious... some of them are not at all except the one that didn't invite me in into his place.... I just felt it was a sign that I should drop him so I did.

 

All these guys that I mentioned, there was a year or more apart from each relationship so in between those period of time that I was not seeing anyone, I got over it and thought not all men are the same but after so many times meeting guys who keep lying about their status.... I give up!

[Trialbyfire]

I'll throw out something that I know for certain is part of being NPD, but not exclusively so, that is attractive to me. He has to be very, very confident with what appears to be strength. The reason this is attractive to me is that I'm pretty head-strong myself. In knowing this, I also know I would mow over anyone who can't handle me. As someone once mentioned, I can go from purring, to claws and teeth, in a split second.

 

Look to something like this. Take your time in thinking it through.

[knaveman]

I have found that patience helps when wading through all the crappy women I find. Don't give up.

[Trialbyfire]

knaveman, it's one of the hazards of playing the numbers game. If you're more selective, biding your time and not settling for someone who's good enough, you'll have less crappy dates.

 

Just some food for thought.

[Leia]

I will read up on NPD. My cousin is one from what you mentioned. She's very confident, VERY and she attracts the same kind.

 

What I hate the most is that I have my walls up all the time and when a guy, a sweet guy comes a long... I don't open up because I can't afford to get hurt again and in the end, this sweet guy turns out to have a girlfriend! This just happened recently... which of course, he failed to mention when I asked about relationships!

[Trialbyfire]

My example was only to illustrate something interactive. I'm not sure if NPD is your situation.

 

Leia, are you being a little too tactful, maybe not assertive enough right out the gate, that they know it's a deal-breaker and all hell will break loose if you find out?

[oppath]

I will read up on NPD. My cousin is one from what you mentioned. She's very confident, VERY and she attracts the same kind.

 

What I hate the most is that I have my walls up all the time and when a guy, a sweet guy comes a long... I don't open up because I can't afford to get hurt again and in the end, this sweet guy turns out to have a girlfriend! This just happened recently... which of course, he failed to mention when I asked about relationships!

 

That's not true, I told you I was single .

 

Ok, how far into this most recent interaction did he reveal or not reveal his gf? I'm sure that was buried in your other thread, but I'm not certain which man you were referring to as this recent guy. Did you hang out a few times one-on-one first? Or was it just talking to someone for 1/2 hour and then finding out?

 

Listen to TBF. She knows what she is talking about. As for you, you seem very attractive and intelligent and sweet, and these men probably notice that and are attracted to it. They wouldn't engage in those situations unless they were attracted to you for who you are as a person, so it is a compliment to you, albeit an unwelcome one. I'm just saying that looks alone wouldn't make them engage themselves in a pseudo relationship wtih you. What you need to determine is what attracts you to them, and what signals they give off that could indicate lying EARLY in your interaction, such as the first few dates.

 

I used to think that discussing past relationships was a big no no in the dating process. Now I realize that it is important to discuss early on, not in detail, but as part of generally getting to know someone. What kinds of questions do you ask?

[Leia]

My example was only to illustrate something interactive. I'm not sure if NPD is your situation.

 

Leia, are you being a little too tactful, maybe not assertive enough right out the gate, that they know it's a deal-breaker and all hell will break loose if you find out?

 

I don't think I am a tactful person... I tend to say what's on my mind. I don't beat around the bush so I think I am quite assertive....

 

Your post referring to Knaveman... do you think it's too much to take my time to look for that special someone? I don't want to settle for someone just because I am the only single one in my clique. I take my relationship very seriously so I think it's fair that I take my time... right?

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think I am a tactful person... I tend to say what's on my mind. I don't beat around the bush so I think I am quite assertive....

 

Your post referring to Knaveman... do you think it's too much to take my time to look for that special someone? I don't want to settle for someone just because I am the only single one in my clique. I take my relationship very seriously so I think it's fair that I take my time... right?

You bet. Take it slowly. Get to know them. Better yet, hopefully find someone you trust, to vouch for them. It's never foolproof but it never hurts to be careful.

 

The last guy I dated was a neighbor of mine. I didn't know him well but knew he wasn't married because it's difficult to hide a wife/body within your neighborhood. I got to know him over about a month's period, but wouldn't date him for a number of reasons, of which one was that I was in the midst of some turmoil/uncertainty over some unfinished business with someone else.

 

After getting to know him a little better and ending the last situation, I finally accepted his invitation. We dated for awhile, getting to know each other better, found out he was in the same industry and had him checked out through trusted contacts. He passed with flying colours.

 

We never did end up sleeping together, because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to invest. Not his fault in any way, shape or form. He's a great guy.

[Leia]

That's not true, I told you I was single .

 

Ok, how far into this most recent interaction did he reveal or not reveal his gf? I'm sure that was buried in your other thread, but I'm not certain which man you were referring to as this recent guy. Did you hang out a few times one-on-one first? Or was it just talking to someone for 1/2 hour and then finding out?

 

Listen to TBF. She knows what she is talking about. As for you, you seem very attractive and intelligent and sweet, and these men probably notice that and are attracted to it. They wouldn't engage in those situations unless they were attracted to you for who you are as a person, so it is a compliment to you, albeit an unwelcome one. I'm just saying that looks alone wouldn't make them engage themselves in a pseudo relationship wtih you. What you need to determine is what attracts you to them, and what signals they give off that could indicate lying EARLY in your interaction, such as the first few dates.

 

I used to think that discussing past relationships was a big no no in the dating process. Now I realize that it is important to discuss early on, not in detail, but as part of generally getting to know someone. What kinds of questions do you ask?

 

He's a friend of a friend. We all hang out every other weekends. Never brought his girlfriend along so most of us thought he was single. So for about 2 weekends we talked and hung out. I asked once if he was seeing anyone, laughed it off and changed the subject. I found out he had one from my cousin later on. My cousin is a guy so I guess my cousin made it clear to the 'sweet guy' to tell him the truth, maybe!

 

I am listening to everyone here! You both have given me more to think about now. It could be me... I don't throw myself at guys but I do talk to them when they approach me. I am friendly, I would say and I do tell it like it is. I don't have a problem saying out loud that I think a lot of men can't be trusted.

 

I don't want to sound like a policewoman so I always slip in when something comes up or just point blank ask the question : do you have a girlfriend/fiancee/wife? Or boyfriend?

[Woggle]

The key to meeting somebody worthy of your time and emotional investment is to respect yourself. If you respect yourself others will respect you and those that won't don't usually try anyway and they are very easy to spot. Once you get into a certain fame of mind that a no good man or no good woman in my case is not even worth a second of your time they become pretty easy to spot. Maybe you should take a break from dating to fine tune these instincts because they will serve you well. I can spot BS from a mile away and many of my friends look to me to give their girlfriend the thums up or thumb down.

[Leia]

I am taking it slowly. I haven't gone out on one-on-one for a long time. I do miss dating but I also want to see what is in store for me. I know in order for me to see that I need to date but I think going out with friends and seeing how guys are with their friends and mine will help me to determine if he's worth it or not.

 

That is a wise thing to do. Figure out your problems first before entering a new relationship or dating someone new. I need to talk to people about my issues because it helps me. I do talk to my friends and cousins but getting views and insights from strangers especially older ones would definitely help me in figuring out things better.

 

After getting to know him a little better and ending the last situation, I finally accepted his invitation. We dated for awhile, getting to know each other better, found out he was in the same industry and had him checked out through trusted contacts. He passed with flying colours.

 

We never did end up sleeping together, because I wasn't in the right frame of mind to invest. Not his fault in any way, shape or form. He's a great guy.

 

I read your thread and was wondering, will you date your neighbor again? I'm glad that I found out about those guys before I slept with them. It would have been really ugly if it was otherwise!

[Leia]

The key to meeting somebody worthy of your time and emotional investment is to respect yourself. If you respect yourself others will respect you

 

Thanks. I have self-respect. That is not the issue here. Issue is how some men hide the fact that they are attached.