ladykatie Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 My SO and I are in the recovery phase after the discovery of his EA. We are both clinging to the belief that "we will get stronger from this." I feel like I have to take special care of him though. We're not perfect, but I don't want to bring up anything uncomfortable (aka how sad I still feel somedays) because he gets really upset and says he hates himself for what he did and says some really depressing things. I know I feel bad, but he feels bad too. I want to say "you deserve to hate yourself" but that is terribly mean and I don't actually mean it. However, I don't know what to say because I fear if I say the wrong things that he will start heading back into another EA. Anyone have some ideas to get out of this spiral? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 Avoiding the conflict won't help you, although it will help him bury his past transgressions. Forgive me if I don't have much sympathy for him. He needs to come clean with you and accept full responsibility for his actions. If he needs help with his issues, he should get individual therapy. I also recommend IC for you and potentially marriage counseling for both of you. He has to understand that he needs to regain your trust by providing full disclosure. If he doesn't, there will be nothing gained beyond a short, unpleasant phase. Nothing learned or gained, means a possible repeat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladykatie Posted November 25, 2007 Author Share Posted November 25, 2007 I guess we've been through the ringer with those details. I know everything I will know and he does take responsibility. So what's next? I am still hurt. He is still hurt. What do we know? Just pretend to be normal?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 but I don't want to bring up anything uncomfortable (aka how sad I still feel somedays) because he gets really upset and says he hates himself for what he did and says some really depressing things. I know I feel bad, but he feels bad too. He needs to keep his feelings to himself. I mean, you're the one he hurt and betrayed, so him not listening and validating your feelings isn't right. He needs to suck it up and emphasize/sympathize with you, instead of making the focus about him. Does he see a therapist? If not, suggest it to him because he needs to learn to forgive himself for his bad mistake and then he'll be able to focus more on you, making the marriage better and regaining your love, faith and trust in him again. Right now, from what you've said, he's too caught up in HIS hurt to really pay attention to your pain. Definately seek marriage counselling together, it can only help. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted November 25, 2007 Share Posted November 25, 2007 I guess we've been through the ringer with those details. I know everything I will know and he does take responsibility. So what's next? I am still hurt. He is still hurt. What do we know? Just pretend to be normal?? NO, a thousand times NO. Do NOT pretend, ever!! Pretending is just another name for deceiving and that's where you've been. If he has taken responsibility for his actions and has given full disclosure, that is good. The fact is that you have reasons to be sad and he has reasons to be sad. The sadness you are both experiencing are REAL emotions, and need to be dealt with in a real manner. What my H and I did was schedule talks. Each day we would sit down and talk about our day. The ups and the downs. That way he could know that he wasn't going to get hit a thousand times a day about how sad I was and I knew that we would be able to talk about the real stuff. The discussions don't need to have any specific subject matter, but they need to be real. How you felt about things during the day. How he felt. We talked (actually that shouldn't be past tense, because we still do this) about the things we never used to talk about. I'd tell him if some man hit on me at work. He'd tell me if a woman came onto him. I'd tell him about my fears and he'd tell me about his. After a time our talks were far less sad and we'd actually be laughing more than crying. All of that being said, the fact that he hurt you is not something you get to hold over his head for the rest of his life. What happened did happen. There were undoubtedly reasons that it happened (has he shared those with you?) There is a reasonable period of grieving to be done, and somewhere between 1 and 3 years seems to be that reasonable period. There needs to be an end to it at some time, though. If you want your relationship to work you need to be able to with time leave the sadness behind and move forward as a couple. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
ithemachine Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 Well DUH, a cheating spouse should feel bad but not carry on so as to make the BS feel bad. Link to post Share on other sites
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