What am I doing?

[HarakIgia]

OK, I'm starting to get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I'm feeling really anxious. My H just dropped the kids off after a movie. I'm starting to feel like I don't know what's going on. I know that I don't want what I had with him. I know I don't want a open relationship. But, where are we? I have no idea. He's moving into his new place on Wed. I just text him....lame I know...asking if he knows that he's done with the relationship? Of course he didn't reply. What am I thinking? He's buying couches and furniture and I'm still hoping for him to come back and tell me he was wrong. What a joke. Please someone shake me out of this. I need a good kick in the butt. Why beg for him to see life the same way? Why?

 

Below is an email I just sent to boot. I know it's pretty pathetic. At least that's how I'm feeling at the moment. To those who have the patience to read all this thanks in advance.

 

To H:

I just text you & I'm pretty certain you're not going to reply. If you already know that you're done with our relationship I'd like to hear it though. I don't want to have any false hope lingering for something that you already shut the door on long time ago. So, please be honest here and allow me the opportunity to heal from all this by telling me the truth. I'd really appreciate it. If you feel it's to early and your honestly searching for the answer yourself then I'll leave it alone and I can wait for as long as it may take. I don't want to ever do this to our kids again. So, I want us to be certain of the life we want and choose.

 

I've been more honest with myself in reviewing our lives together. Maybe there were signs earlier on that I didn't want to look at. I also know that this really hasn't been the type of relationship I've wanted for myself or the kids. I imagined life to be full of activities. Fun times, doing things that were child centered and exploring the world from their perspective. I've wanted us to be more active with them. I'm not going to blame you because really I could have been doing those things on my own. Which I'm starting to do now. I want the kids to be active. I want to go on long walks exploring the environment, the world we live in. I want to do fundraisers with them. I want them to learn to give back to society and to care for others. I want to go on road trips and find cool facts about the places we visit. I want to play board games and write stories and listen to them. I've been so focused on you and us that I lost sight of what was truly important and that's them. It's not about us. Actually the us part could have been better too. They could have learned from us so much, how to compromise, how to love unconditionally, how to do things that make the other happy, just because. I know we don't believe the same things. You may think I'm romanticizing it all but I'm not. I'm just focused on what's important. What matters most. It's about creating a life you can be proud of wanting it and living it to the fullest. I've been waiting for you to join me for so long. But, now I realized I can do this on my own too. I wish we could see marriage and parenting the same way. But, I don't believe we share much in common now a days. We love our children. But, that comes out in different ways too.

 

You really don't need to take them to school in the morning. I'm more than capable to do that. Also, if you don't plan on doing this indefinitely I'd rather that you didn't commit to it. I just don't want any more changes for the kiddos.