Relations Ship Gone Bad

[STUCKK]

I HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH THIS GUY OFF AND ON SINCE 1995. ( 8YRS). I HAD HIS SON A YEAR AGO. SHORTLY AFTER MY SON WAS BORN HE STARTED ACTING DIFFERENT. EVENTUALLY WE BROKE UP.NOW HE HAS THIS GIRLFRIEND THAT HE SAYS HES IN LOVE WITH. AND IN THE SAME BREATH HE TELL ME THAT HE STILL LOVES ME.WE STILL HAVE SEX EVERY ONCE IN AWHILE. IT IS SO HARD FOR ME TO LET GO. I HAVE LOVED HIM SINCE I WAS 18 YEARS OLD. AND NOW I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM BECAUSE OF OUR CHILD. I CANT SLEEP AT NIGHT WONDERING HOW HE COULD JUST ABANDON US LIKE HE DID. I TRY TO ACT COOL IN FRONT HIM. BUT THE PAIN CUTS LIKE A KNIFE. WHAT DOES THIS 20YR HAVE ON ME? I KEEP ASKING MYSELF. I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO..

[spunk 30]

I have a very dear friend who has been dealing with exactly the same sort of situation so I have some understanding of the complexity of what you're dealing with. That's why it's important to "break it down" and try to see what elements are at work here...You know that this is not the easiest of situations to deal with, but having said that, you do have the capability to cope with this situation in the long-term (and you have friends etc who you can call on for some support, encouragement and love). For now, you have to focus on the short-term and look after yourself and your child.

 

Your ex obviously has some commitment and responsibility issues, hence his "jumping ship" to be with a carefree 20 year old while you're literally left holding the baby...This says more about him than it does about you so be mindful of that. You say that your relationship has been on again/off again so there must be some other "issues" there too that are related to this situation - they form the "backdrop" for it so to speak. You need to be quite clear about the boundaries of your relationship - including access to your child etc - in order for you to be able to interact with each other in the short and long term. Think of it perhaps as a business relationship, keep it strictly professional! Obviously this may require some discussion with him, but remember to stay clear and focused about what it is you need to do as parents of your child.

 

Jumping into the sack with him in the meantime isn't helping you, but it's certainly pandering to his ego...just remember, you're sleeping with a 20 year old (as well) every time you sleep with him! Look after your heart...you have enough on your plate to cope with being a Mum (and everything else)...I know that you probably still have unresolved feelings etc, but you really have to ask yourself if someone who "abandons" you after giving birth to "their" child and then goes off with somebody else, is someone you really want to be with...

 

This guy obviously doesn't have a lot of respect for himself if he chooses this kind of behaviour, and (as I said earlier) has some problems with taking on responsibility for other people and for his own actions (I can only assume this of course given what you have briefly stated in your post). You need someone who can provide you with love, care and support...Perhaps you could view this situation as providing you with an opportunity to realise that you deserve so much more than what your ex could ever offer you (given the behaviour that he has shown you). You will find the support from family and friends in the meantime, and will come to realise what it is you need from a loving partner, and from yourself, in the future.

 

Take care...look forward to hearing about your progress!