Heartbroken_07 Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 ok so Ive been dating this guy for 6 months. We started making plans to move in together and such, we're doing really good. We love each other. Then enters his ex girlfreind. She came back into town, called him once. He talked to her for awhile me right there the whole time. A little back ground on this chick is that she was horrible to him. She cheated on him all the time, was always attending clubs and parties behind his back. she got pregnant with his daughter and when she was 7 months she did a self abortion (can you imagine). Anyway he told me he hated her, wished she would die even. Ok so after this phone call from her he started acting diffrent. Gone when he was supposed to be with me and such. I confront him and ask him whats going on and he tells me that he had been going to see her. He said that after he talked to her the first time that she had called several times after and they had decided to meet up and "talk" for old time sake. OK so im freaking out...im like why have you been with her all these times?? He says to me "im confused" "You see she has some kind of control over me" he says that know that he's seen her again he thinks he might be back in love with her. Im confused asking how can you love us both ect...he says he doesnt know. I remind him of how horrible this chick is, and he takes up for her. i mean I dont get it! Then he says to give him a couple of days to figure out who he really wants to be with because he's so confused. The kicker is he slept with her and me both 2 days in a row. So during the day he was with her having sex and then he would come over and have sex with me?? Im so confused i dont know what i should do. If ishould give him this time that he's asking for to figure it all out or if i should just give up and say good luck with her!! Help me please! Link to post Share on other sites
truckdriving Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 I'm just confused? Hes a liar and deep down you know it. This guy is seriously messed up, no self respecting guy would have any kind of communication with an ex who had done all the things he claims that she has done. It may hurt at first but you will be better off if you boot this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 Maybe this is a momentary lapse...maybe he'll snap out of it in a few days and realize that he does want to be with me? I love him. I love him so much it hurts. I dont know if I can physically nor emotionally give up on him that easily..ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 You would not be giving up on him. He has not met your standards, he has effectively given up on you. Do you hold yourself in such little regard that you are willing to wait around for someone who has been cheating on you? He should have told his ex "I am in a new relationship and I like where it is going. If you have something to say to me, this is the time, right now, but I don't believe we should meet up or be in contact, because I want to focus on my new gf. It wouldn't be fair to her to be talking with you, so this is your chance to clear the air with me, because once I hang up, I am done." Drop him like a bag of bricks. I know you love him, but you deserve better treatment. This is worse than cheating on someone physically in then moment, because there are such strong feelings there, her being an ex and the nature of their relationship. It is much less forgiveable because you know he is not fully emotionally present for you. Some hot girl he hooked up with -- that means he does not love you as much as he claims -- but the ex...it means he does not have the emotional room to love you as you deserve, because she occupies too much of his head and heart. Link to post Share on other sites
truckdriving Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 believe me I do understand. you just have to look at this way you can either have a few months of pain and be able to find the kind of guy you deserve or wallow in perpetual misery until he leaves you. I'm not trying to be mean I've just been where you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 Ive actually told him that I was too good of a person to wait around for his decision, and he has agreed with me. But then begs me to give him just a few days. he said her coming back into his life is completly confusing and that he doesnt want to hurt me or lose me that he just needs time to think. He's been calling all night asking if im ok and telling me he's sorry it seems so genuine. You dont think thats its possible for him to REALLY be having mixed emotions at this moment and that he truely wants to do whats right? I mean this couldnt be some kind of game could it? He admits thats it not fair for anyone invloved, and that he doenst want to make the wrong decison and be thinking about me laying in bed with her 3 weeks down the road. I just dont want to make the biggest mistake of my life. Has anyone else ever had feelings for two ppl at the same time? what where you thinking? i mean is this even possible if your truley in love with someone? sheww this is tough! Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 Ive actually told him that I was too good of a person to wait around for his decision, and he has agreed with me. But then begs me to give him just a few days. he said her coming back into his life is completly confusing and that he doesnt want to hurt me or lose me that he just needs time to think. He's been calling all night asking if im ok and telling me he's sorry it seems so genuine. You dont think thats its possible for him to REALLY be having mixed emotions at this moment and that he truely wants to do whats right? I mean this couldnt be some kind of game could it? He admits thats it not fair for anyone invloved, and that he doenst want to make the wrong decison and be thinking about me laying in bed with her 3 weeks down the road. I just dont want to make the biggest mistake of my life. Has anyone else ever had feelings for two ppl at the same time? what where you thinking? i mean is this even possible if your truley in love with someone? sheww this is tough! Yes, I believe he is genuinely confused and that he cares about you tremendously, and it is possible he cares about you. That does not matter. What matters is: what is your definition of a healthy relationship? Bottom line, is that he can deal with his confusion without sleeping with her and two timing both of you until he can make a decision. If anything, he should be seeing and sleeping with NEITHER of you and making this decision on his own. What are you holding onto? The hopes and dreams you have developed? Personally, I think you should make his decision for him and leave, and he can earn you back several weeks down the road. I'd tell him "I want no part of this right now, as even if you choose me, my trust is broken. I need some space for you to even consider the idea of being with you. Please don't contact me for at least a month, and I mean that. All you will do is push me away. But when you do, if you do, you'd damn well better be on your knees apologizing." Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 Ok well he's telling me that he's tellin her the very same things. He says he's not sleeping with or seeing either of us until its sorted out. I dont know if this is the truth or something to pacify me. Like i said he's been calling me all night begging me to give him this time to think.....i sure he's calling her too...what he's saying to her is beyond me. i want to take his word for it and beleive that he is not gonna be with either of us for the time being.....but i think your all right I deserve better...im just so scared to let him go....Ive never been in love like this before and at the same time ive never been this hurt before. I mean ive been cheated on before but It NEVER felt like this. Im in misery. Link to post Share on other sites
truckdriving Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 Its hard but I wouldnt take his word for anything. Hes shown himself to be untrustworthy before. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted November 26, 2007 Share Posted November 26, 2007 Its hard but I wouldnt take his word for anything. Hes shown himself to be untrustworthy before. Agreed. I think it is more likely he will f*ck her for the next couple weeks, and then come back to you. But it does not matter. He is keeping you in limbo. If I can offer you any advice, it would be this: right down your definition of a healthy relationship and all that it entails. Seriously. What defines a healthy relationship to you? Then, evaluatedoes this relationship in its present form meet my definition of a healthy relationship?what would I require to change for this relationship to be a healthy relationship? What does he need to do? Right now, you are only focused on losing him because you love him. Focus on you. What do you want and what do you need? The answer is not him, because the question is "what do you need to be happy with him after this has happened?" The answer is not him choosing you. You will need more than that. So sit down and define, what is a healthy relationship, to you! Can he possibly meet that? Outline to him in no uncertain terms what makes a relationship healthy to you. Tell him that he needs to meet those things, and that he is not, and it is not as simple as him choosing. Him choosing you needs to be met with many many conditions for you to want anything to do with him, and make those conditions clear. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 26, 2007 Author Share Posted November 26, 2007 Your right..I deserve so much more. I dont deserve to be kept in limbo! I dont deserve to be second place in his heart. Im gonna tell him in the morning that I will wait no more! I deserve an answer now, and if his answer is that he wants to be with me then we have alot of things to work out before I can fully commit to him and trust him fully again, an if he chooses her..well i guess Ive got alot of crying to do yet, but eventually I will move on and the pain will eventually go away. Thanks for all your help! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 OK...im freaking out! He called me this morning and as I was getting ready to tell him that I want nothing to do with him ect...He hits me with this Brick: He told me that he went to the courst house today and got married to her! He said it was a spur of the moment thing. He said he was sorry and wished me well in life. OMG...I was prepared to end it with him. I really was, but to have this put on me...Im losing my mind. He married her! I cant stop crying. Im lost can someone please give me words of wisdom because i dont think i can handle this by myself................ Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 OK...im freaking out! He called me this morning and as I was getting ready to tell him that I want nothing to do with him ect...He hits me with this Brick: He told me that he went to the courst house today and got married to her! He said it was a spur of the moment thing. He said he was sorry and wished me well in life. OMG...I was prepared to end it with him. I really was, but to have this put on me...Im losing my mind. He married her! I cant stop crying. Im lost can someone please give me words of wisdom because i dont think i can handle this by myself................ OMG wow... I have never been more certain of anything in my life: He was not nor ever will be the person for you. He has been stringing you along, then when is supposingly maing a decision, marries someone else? Not only did he cheat on you but he married her... I doubt that little marriage will last very long, but it shows he is not the person you thought he was, nor who you should ever be with again. He showed a complete disregard for your feelings and your relationship. He should have ended things with you before they ever went that far with her. And then to string you along because he didn't have the balls to end it. C'mon. It is clear he had been sleeping with her, spending time with her, that was how he thought things over. And him marrying her is a sure sign that it is over. Besides from that I am so sorry sweetie, he is truly rotten to the core and from the sounds of it they deserve each other. Link to post Share on other sites
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 How messed up that is is really beyond words. I'm so sorry hopefully he'll get what he deserves and get run over by a tractor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Its totally messed up guys..and i realize more now then ever that i dont deserve to be treated this way..but it hurts so much. I mean he proposed to me last month....I was his fiance. I dont understand how all this happend. i dont know how he can go from madly in love with me to f*ck you im marrying her??? How could this man be so low, and have completly no regard for my feelings? I love him so much, and i was nothing but good to him. Loyal and faithful to the end. What goes on in someones mind when there preparing to do something like this. is it some kind of mental illness. i dont think i could ever do anything of this nature. sheww im a wreck. Thanx for the thoughtful wishes and the advice...im just so lost right now! Link to post Share on other sites
iwanttolive Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Dearie... I'm sorry you are going thru this. Maybe you can look at it this way. Thank God he's marrying her. Can you imagine if he marries you? You're life is gonna be hell and you only have one life. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 This is the type of event that can really scar you. Please, use LS to vent and greive, and if you have access to counseling or psychological services, use them. It hurts, because not only do you have to let go of your love, you have to let go of your dreams, and you have to realize: he is not the person you thought he was. All of those things make your entire relationship FRAUDULENT. That is very painful. But you WILL get through this. You will cope. You will survive. You will love again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I hope so........thanks for your words of encouragement. Link to post Share on other sites
truckdriving Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 I'm sorry for what you are going through. However there is a silver lining to every cloud and you will get through this and soon you will be ready to date again. Who knows maybe the next guy will be the ONE. Keep your chin up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartbroken_07 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 Thanks truckdriving, Oppath, and everyone else for all your support. Ill keep you all updated. Thanks Again! Link to post Share on other sites
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