superaccord Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 i have this friend that i met in college, we started to talk and get along really well. he was like my clubbin buddy i guess you could say. he never had anymoney and me being so nice lend him money for things. then he had to move out of his appartment, so i let him into the place i was staying. well, that didnt last too long and he had to move out. we got an appartment together. he also doesnt have a car and for the past 5 months i have dragged him everywhere and never ever said no. we just recently got jobs at the same store in the same department. i was at an old friends house when we took a trip back my parentws house when i came from, and i walked in on him and a couple of my friends talking **** one me hard. i have caught him talking **** behing my back about 5 times now, and it seems that that is all he does anymore. he treats me like **** and gets pissed at me if i cant give him rides to anywhere anymore. we had a talk about him talking **** and he said that he is sorry and we have to change things in order to continue to live together. well, he wont stop. just heard from another one of my friends that he was bitching about me all week end when he went back to his hometown. what do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 What do you do? You tell the freeloader to leave! Why would you allow anyone to walk all over you like that and then even question it? Don't worry about hurting his feelings, he sure isn't worried about yours. He's using you to suit his needs. He is not a friend. Time to get some backbone and think about yourself for a change, not this chump. Link to post Share on other sites
Author superaccord Posted May 27, 2003 Author Share Posted May 27, 2003 i have been thinking that the whole time. i dont make enough money to pay all the rent by myself.....that is why he is still living with me. well. my dad co-signed for the appartment. and my roomates name is on the lease with mine....now what? Link to post Share on other sites
midori Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 sometimes people can't stand to feel indebted to someone, especially if the debts keep accruing and they have no way of making it up to the other person. And so sometimes such people twist things, focusing on the other person's flaws, so that they can discount the favors the other had done for them. That way they don't have to feel grateful, instead they can feel put upon themselves. They can feel that the favors are OWED them by the other person. My guess is that if the guy didn't feel like he owed you so much he wouldn't be behaving so badly toward you now. Some people really resent feeling obliged to another person. Which is silly and perverse, but I've seen it happen more than once. The solution that I see is to stop being so helpful. Move out of the shared apt., stop always being the guy's sole means of transportation. If you still value the friendship and would like to salvage it to some extent, just withdraw subtly. Don't have a confrontation with him, don't explain why you're moving out or not able to give him a ride downton. Just stop offering all the time, give other reasons for needing to live elsewhere, and scale back the amount of things you do for him generally. That way you won't feel put upon so much by him. And perhaps he won't feel so indebted to you and won't have to try to assuage his guilty conscience by making you out to be the bad guy. If on the other hand you've simply had enough and don't care too much about the friendship one way or another, do the moving and the withdrawal of support ... and if he wants to know what's going on, tell him. Tell him that you're tired of doing all the giving and getting nothing for your kindness but a knife in the back. If he's operating with such a flawed sense of himself and other people that he's capable of twisting things like he seems to be, he's not going to take the truth very well. That's why advise soft-pedalling it if you want to remain friends on some level. If you present him with the truth, he may well not be able to see it. But at least you'd have told him what you really think. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 Once again, midori is right on the money. So often, the number of nice things you do for people is directly proportional to the amount of shxt you get back from them. Midori's post explains that in grand fashion. And, once again, I have copied and pasted her short essay into my midori wisdom file. If you're trying to buy love, it will NEVER happen...except perhaps with a prostitute on a very temporary basis. If you aren't your real self you won't get real love...or real friendship. Stop trying to save the world and, for a while, work on getting yourself straightened out. When you sufficiently love yourself, you won't find it so necessary to save everybody else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author superaccord Posted May 27, 2003 Author Share Posted May 27, 2003 the truth now is that i dont give a sh@t about him, and have lost all and total respect with him. the only reason i even say anything to him now is because i have to. personally, i would rather get away from him, that way i know i will be better off. and i wont lose any sleep over it. been there and done that. he was just an aquantance. thank you all for your help....um...you should check out my other posts.. that is the major problem i am having. thank you all again. Link to post Share on other sites
sisterwhocares Posted June 14, 2003 Share Posted June 14, 2003 i must agree with lovemyboys. if he was a true friend he wouldn't be using you like he is and he also wouldn't be talking crap about you either. friendships should start from the heart not from the money. Link to post Share on other sites
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