Guys, Do you really want to hang out with your ex?

[AlwaysLost]

My exBF and I broke up a week ago, he keeps saying he hopes we can be friends so we can hang out. He is the one that called it off . . . does he want a reconciliation or do ex's really "hang out" together. I have never gone to do activities with an ex before but maybe this is something guys find not that difficult to do . . . .

[Pyro]

My exBF and I broke up a week ago, he keeps saying he hopes we can be friends so we can hang out. He is the one that called it off . . . does he want a reconciliation or do ex's really "hang out" together. I have never gone to do activities with an ex before but maybe this is something guys find not that difficult to do . . . .

 

It is possible that he wants to be just friends, but odds are he may just want you for sex now. From what I have seen and read, most people who still want to hang out with their ex's do it because they either hope to reconcile with them or because of the two that I mentioned above.

[AlwaysLost]

Well we didnt breakup b/c of fighting, basically he said he was "confused" . . . maybe he is less confused???

[Pyro]

Well we didnt breakup b/c of fighting, basically he said he was "confused" . . . maybe he is less confused???

 

confused? Thats a new one.

 

Not to be the pessimist, but he might have said that because he didn't want to hurt you with the truth and tell you that he wanted to date other people in addition to you, or maybe he really is confused and doesn't know what he wants, which is a maturity factor.

 

The choice is yours to hang out with him, but if you do just be on alert of him trying to make a move on you, unless of course that is what you want.

 

IMO, he doesn't want to reoncile. He just wants to have sex.

[oppath]

I would tell him it is too soon to be friends, that you don't want to hang out with him unless you can look at him dispassionately, that you want a relationship, and if he doesn't want to commit to you, you are unwilling to accept less than what you want at this point in time.

 

Then go no contact unless he is strongly asking to see you.

 

I have no doubt that he cares about you. He probably would like to remain friends. However, you can't be genuine friends with him, not at this time. If he truly wants to be friends, he will understand and respect that. If he just wants sex, he probably won't listen to you and your needs.

[carrotgirl]

My ex also wants to spend time together as friends. And so far, we do anything friends do. He doesn't want sex because to him, that means a commitment, though the attraction is still there and we're still extremely comfortable in each other's space. Literally, still comfortable cuddling up, and we do.

 

That said, when the dumper wants to stay friends it's she/he is not wanting to let go entirely. This could mean there is an interest in FWB only, but when someone makes the effort to be a friend and have shared non-sexual experiences together, in my estimation it's more like waiting to see if something better comes along while not wanting to lose what's there.

 

For a few months, if not always, it's really difficult to genuinely be friends with someone you broke up with. One person almost always wants something more than friendship. I'm trying the friendship route and have to say, if there's a question in your mind at all about whether you think it's worth it, then don't. It's probably not worth it.

 

Carrot

[Krytie TV]

This is pretty typical. It's always the person that initiates the break-up that "wants to remain friends". Though they may not be doing it intentionally, it's very selfish behavior. They want to keep the dumpee close, just to keep tabs and keep a bit of a hold on them. I don't know why people feel the need to do this, but they do. There is little else that can be read into it.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken it off. This is what you MUST remember.

[Trialbyfire]

I like a lot of my exes...as friends. Just don't be friends if both of you can't view each other dispassionately.

 

I used to believe it was enough for me to view them dispassionately but then, I realized after my most recent experience, that it has to be both of you or you can also be sucked back into the past.

[carrotgirl]

If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn't have broken it off. This is what you MUST remember.

IMO, this is simplistic and certainly doesn't apply to all.

 

Just like there is no way to get someone who wants to leave to stay, I see just as little that makes someone spend time with you (barring professional services) where someone will spend time with you against her/his will.

 

My ex spends time with because he wants to. He didn't want to be my boyfriend. That isn't a total negation of me as a person. Nor should it have to be.

 

Carrot

[izzylicious]

Geez, I'm in the same boat! My ex and I have stayed friends too, and we hang out once a week and do "friend" things, but do occasionally hold hands or cuddle. I'm still figuring this out, it's been a month. I was the one who outlined what I want in a relationship, because I wasn't getting what I needed, and he said he couldn't give me those things and so he thought we should just be friends. I feel like everything always has to be on his schedule, which is part of the reason the relationship ended. Now he gets exactly what he wanted, no commitment, but I have a hard time standing up for myself in this situation like oppath suggested. I have decided to remain friends as long as it doesn't stand in the way of me finding the relationship I need/want. But it is hard to know how to act around him, sometimes I feel so angry or mixed up it ruins the fun I have with him, so I am trying to set rules for myself, like topics to avoid, not make myself available to him like I used to, etc. I figure it will either work itself out with time or we will stop being friends because it is too uncomfortable. On another note, I would have a hard time dating someone who remained friends with his ex...