Should I tell him I'm ready to get engaged?

[mak]

I'm a 26yr old woman living with my 26yr old boyfriend of 3.5 years. We've done long distance, we've done college, we've done living together, we've done horriable and wonderful, we love eachother's families....everything is good. Except that I'm still just his girlfriend. All of our friends are getting engaged. All of our friends have been together for less time than we have. Even my baby sister got married a year ago at 22!! My birthday and christmas are in the same week....and I'm REALLY hoping that he's ready to make that next step, as I've been for about six months now. But there is no indication from his end that anything like that is coming. And since we both work in the arts money is always tight and will be for most likely the rest of our lives, but I'm willing to deal with that. Still, I know that if he isn't ready I'll be really disappointed this holiday season. I haven't told him any of this because he is very much one of those people who likes not to be told how to treat me or what to do for me. He wants it all to come from him.....so how do I get what I feel like at this point I really need to come from him without just saying.... ask me to marry you NOW!!

[Lauriebell82]

I'm a 26yr old woman living with my 26yr old boyfriend of 3.5 years. We've done long distance, we've done college, we've done living together, we've done horriable and wonderful, we love eachother's families....everything is good. Except that I'm still just his girlfriend. All of our friends are getting engaged. All of our friends have been together for less time than we have. Even my baby sister got married a year ago at 22!! My birthday and christmas are in the same week....and I'm REALLY hoping that he's ready to make that next step, as I've been for about six months now. But there is no indication from his end that anything like that is coming. And since we both work in the arts money is always tight and will be for most likely the rest of our lives, but I'm willing to deal with that. Still, I know that if he isn't ready I'll be really disappointed this holiday season. I haven't told him any of this because he is very much one of those people who likes not to be told how to treat me or what to do for me. He wants it all to come from him.....so how do I get what I feel like at this point I really need to come from him without just saying.... ask me to marry you NOW!!

 

If there isn't any indepth talk of marriage or engagement than he's probably not ready..and rushing him into that decision is going to make him feel pressured. Have you guys talked about marriage at all..like even in passing?

 

I kind of am in the same situation as you are, my bf is not ready to get married. We will talk about it, but the minute the conversation gets a little too real for him he gets ackward and changes the subject. However we havn't been together as long as you have. I don't doubt that you want to marry him because you love him, but if none of your friends were married or engaged, as well as your sister, would you be thinking about this as much?? I feel a little pressured from my friends all getting married and engaged but i'm trying to tell myself that when he is ready he will ask me.

 

3.5 years is a long time to be together. I think you should talk to him about it, NOT in terms of "when are you going to be ready to get married" but mroe along the lines of where he sees his life going. Tell him you aren't trying to pressure him, but you want to make sure your relationship has a future. Ask him where he sees himself in the future, what his plans are,ect. That may give you a better idea of where he stands in terms of marriage.

 

But honestly, chances are he's just not ready..most mid 20 year old guys aren't. I know, because I've got one of them. I know this is hard, believe me but if you love him you should wait for him. Pressuring him is not going to help though, so please don't do that. I would try from the standpoint of where he sees himself in the future.

[mak]

we do talk about it....we even say "when we get married". We've talked about where it will be, what it will look a little like....etc. That's what makes me crazy! But sometimes he is just like your guy (skiddish). I haven't said anything to him but in passing in terms of pressuring...but now we are thinking of moving for our jobs come september....and I've been waiting for him to move for over a yr now (I stayed where we currently live for him). But I've pretty much done all I can for my career here ....I want to know if he's going to be with me or if I should pack up and move across the country for my career without him. I really appreciate your help, I need someone who doesn't know us to give me advice at this point. My friends and family aren't really the people to involve without him finding out that I'm this anxious.

[Lauriebell82]

we do talk about it....we even say "when we get married". We've talked about where it will be, what it will look a little like....etc. That's what makes me crazy! But sometimes he is just like your guy (skiddish). I haven't said anything to him but in passing in terms of pressuring...but now we are thinking of moving for our jobs come september....and I've been waiting for him to move for over a yr now (I stayed where we currently live for him). But I've pretty much done all I can for my career here ....I want to know if he's going to be with me or if I should pack up and move across the country for my career without him. I really appreciate your help, I need someone who doesn't know us to give me advice at this point. My friends and family aren't really the people to involve without him finding out that I'm this anxious.

 

I can understand your frustration..it's hard to have a bf who wants to marry but doesn't. I don't believe that crap that says that if he won't marry you he's "just not that into." Most likely the guy is gun shy about the whole thing, that's why he can talk about it, but then gets skiddish when he realizes that it's going to happen.

 

Now, I assume that you have talked to him about the career decision. What does say about coming with you? Have you actually asked him? Do you want to be engaged before this happens? I know this is hard, I choose just not to bring up the engagement part yet because I really don't want him to freak out. When we get closer to my graduation (May) I'll maybe broach the subject a little more. Maybe you should lay off even talking about marriage, like only if he brings it up then talk about it. Even though you aren't pressuring him, maybe he's still skiddish because you are talking about weddings. I'm sorry I can't be of more help, I'm in a similar situation though so I'm here for you.

[Anna Comnena]

Yeah, well..

[sIZE=3]Honey, A lot of people will tell you a lot of BS on this site.. Hopeful BS.. Politically Correct BS.. You name it..[/sIZE]

 

I'll tell you the truth.. and I know you already know it because if you didn't, You wouldn't be here posting the post you did..

Here goes....

It isn't that he doesn't want to get married yet.

He doesn't want to get married to you.

And you know it.. otherwise you wouldn't be here questioning it..

 

Maybe in the first few years, he did want to marry, but things change, and without the committment already being in tack, there is no reason to establish it now.

 

Sure.. you can push him into it.. threatened.. BUT DO YOU REALLY WANT A MAN TO MARRY YOU BECAUSE YOU THREATENED HIM? --- or do you want a man to kiss the very ground you walk on a beg for the day they can make you their wife for life..??

 

Pushing, threats, ultimatiums.. end in divorce.

 

Look, it doesn't have to be something wrong with you.. He may love you dearly, but you too may have entered into the relationship when you were still young, and as you matured, something different.. and often, people will stay with the GF or BF because it's easy, comforting, familiar...and leave when either, 1. get a good excuse, 2. find someone new, 3. get enough courge to leave on their own, 4. get kicked out.

 

It doesn't make him a bad or evil person.. Just human.. and your situation is quite common.. and most people who have lived it, like myself, will agree with what i'm telling you.. I think in your heart, somewhere beneath the pain of it all, you agree too....

 

My ex and I met when when I was 19.. we dated for over Five years. At first we talked about marriage.. even at times people referred to me by his last name.. Fealt nice.. but as I aged, I grew out of him.. and although I loved him with EVERY inch of my heart.. and still love him dearly today, I knew towards the end that we were never going to marry and some day it would have to end. I use to cry about the notion, before I ever even mentioned it to him... I was soo afraid of losing the most important and influential person in my life... I felt as though he was my other half.. my reflection in the mirror. Although I wouldn't date admit it.

 

And though It made total sense, and although I saw it comming, the pain of our break-up was immeasurable. In our heart, we both new it was comming....

 

Luckily, a few years later... I met my husband, and although my ex and I were very good to each other and love each other, my husband is much more suitable for the woman I've become.

 

Funny thing is, I introduced my husband to my ex when my husband and I first dated... TURNS OUT. My husband and my EX have more things in common and get along better than I think I do with either one of them!! My Husband even had my EX as a best man in our wedding!!

 

sort of weird, but I guess it makes sense.. I am just so lucky I didn't lose one of the most important people of my life.

[maynicholas]

I had been where you are- for 11 years- I just turned 30.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107489/?highlight=maynicholas

 

Make sure to read the first post of mine and the one towards the end about what I got for Christmas.

 

Save yourself the heart ache. I moved on and couldn't be happier. (The whole dating again thing is scary and uncertain, but at least my life is my own again) Be careful. Do what you need to do for you and if you feel badly about where you are now, trust me you will feel a lot worse if you spend the rest of your 20's with someone who will never be quite sure if they want to marry you. Best of luck!

[SarahBeth04]

Ask him "do you want to marry me?" If he says yes, ask when. It sounds to me like you two are not communicating. Tell him you are ready to take the next step in your career and that entails moving. By his answers to your questions, you should know if he wants to marry you.

[hidee79]

It sounds like you gave him the farm for free, and now you're upset he doesn't want to pay.

 

He has no real motivation to ask you to marry now...or ever. It's not like he might lose you to another guy. It's not like he needs to marry you to live together or have regular sex. He gets all the benefits of marriage without the hassle of marriage itself.

 

And after 3.5 years together, if he hasn't proposed...the chances of him proposing are very slim. And if you bug him about it, the chances get even slimmer.

 

Right now, I suggest you start pulling back. Ask yourself, do you want to be with a guy who, after almost 4 years, doesn't feel compelled to take you off the market? Maybe he's not ready. But that doesn't help you in your quest to be married!

 

I suggest you start to develop a life independent of him. Don't dump him, but start to see him with very objective eyes. I bet, once you get to the point where you're emotionally "whatever" about him (not angry at him, but just "eh" about him), all of a sudden, he will start moving closer to you.

 

Remember, you're 26 and still young. There are soooooo many guys out there.

[michaelk]

I can't believe some of these responses.

 

Yeah, well..

[sIZE=3]Honey, A lot of people will tell you a lot of BS on this site.. Hopeful BS.. Politically Correct BS.. You name it..[/sIZE]

 

I'll tell you the truth.. and I know you already know it because if you didn't, You wouldn't be here posting the post you did..

Here goes....

It isn't that he doesn't want to get married yet.

He doesn't want to get married to you.

And you know it.. otherwise you wouldn't be here questioning it..

 

Maybe in the first few years, he did want to marry, but things change, and without the commitment already being in tack, there is no reason to establish it now.

 

Talk about BS! You don't know the first thing about this guy, yet you're implying that he's just staying with her until he finds a woman he does want to marry? First off, even if he never wanted to get married, that doesn't mean he lacks commitment. Not everyone believes marriage is necessary to have a lasting relationship. Second, my wife and I were together for 6 years before we got married, so this line that you have to 'rope em in' in the first few years or lose em is hogwash.

 

It sounds like you gave him the farm for free, and now you're upset he doesn't want to pay.

 

He has no real motivation to ask you to marry now...or ever. It's not like he might lose you to another guy. It's not like he needs to marry you to live together or have regular sex. He gets all the benefits of marriage without the hassle of marriage itself.

 

And after 3.5 years together, if he hasn't proposed...the chances of him proposing are very slim. And if you bug him about it, the chances get even slimmer.

 

More nonsense. Are you saying that she should have held something back from him to entice him into marrying her? So you're advocating manipulating men into marriage? And are you also implying that all he cares about in the relationship is the sex? Well let me ask you, if that's how you view men, then why bother trying to get married in the first place? Clearly we're all shallow animals incapable of finding some deeper value in a relationship with a woman.

 

And I'll just point out again that the idea you've got to get em in the first few years is false, as proven by my own experience.

 

I think you should talk to him about it, NOT in terms of "when are you going to be ready to get married" but mroe along the lines of where he sees his life going. Tell him you aren't trying to pressure him, but you want to make sure your relationship has a future. Ask him where he sees himself in the future, what his plans are,ect. That may give you a better idea of where he stands in terms of marriage.

 

Look, Lauriebell got it right. The way you should deal with this is to talk to him about it. Asking him when he's going to propose is a bad idea, because it will put pressure on him and then he'll feel there's this expectation hanging over his head. A better tack is to talk about future plans. It sounds like you two already talk at some level about being married someday. Have you talked about what your married life will be like? Have you discussed whether each of you wants kids? These kinds of topics will give you a better sense of whether he really sees himself with you long term, and yet they won't put the pressure on him to make it happen now.

 

Let's say the two of you talk and it becomes clear that marriage to you is part of his future vision. Don't sweat the exact date. Relax and enjoy being with your partner. After all, if you really love him, you should want to be with him even though you don't have the ring yet. And know that when he's ready, he'll ask. That's what I did.

[BettyBoop]

I'm a 26yr old woman living with my 26yr old boyfriend of 3.5 years. We've done long distance, we've done college, we've done living together, we've done horriable and wonderful, we love eachother's families....everything is good. Except that I'm still just his girlfriend. All of our friends are getting engaged.

 

Have you told him that marriage is important to you? If you haven´t, what chance does he have of being a mindreader and guess you're not happy with what you two have, and want more? Perhaps he is just fine with being b/f-g/f and thinks you are too?

 

If none of your friends were engaged or married, would you still feel this way or would you be fine the way things are?