Why is remorse so hard for cheating spouse?

[michelangelo]

Ok, this is psych 101 material, about displaced satisfactions, retail therapy, eating instead of romance.

 

The expression of the pursuit of the unmet need is what trail is talking about annebelle.

[annabelle75]

People vent in different ways and look externally for solutions to problems inside of them.

 

Since I've never neglected a spouse, it's a moot lesson to me.

 

I'm wondering what your ex-husbands point of view on that would be.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm wondering what your ex-husbands point of view on that would be.

He agrees with me.

[annabelle75]

He agrees with me.

 

Oh really? Based on the stories you've told it sounds as though you terrorized him after he left. He's probably afraid of you now.

[Trialbyfire]

Oh really? Based on the stories you've told it sounds as though you terrorized him after he left. He's probably afraid of you now.

It's not fear he's experiencing but you can snipe all you want.

[Impudent Oyster]

Thats just stupid. What does buying a car have to do with neglect in a relationship? If a spouse is unwilling to participate in the relationship and is neglectful then they shouldn't be surprised if the neglected spouse seeks attention else where. Its pretty basic and simple logic.

 

No, that's actually fuzzy logic.

 

If a spouse is feeling neglected and the neglectful spouse is unwilling to participate then the neglected spouse should GET A DIVORCE.

[Impudent Oyster]

People vent in different ways and look externally for solutions to problems inside of them.

 

Since I've never neglected a spouse, it's a moot lesson to me.

 

I know, I've never neglected a spouse either. Well, unless you count that one time when I had a headache....

[heftysmurf]

I think neglect is a result of lack of telling somebody their wants. A door opens. You can a) talk to the door man or woman and let them know or b) run through it. WS choose to run through the door instead of doing the hard thing telling the door person what they want.

 

The things to bring this around the circle are:

 

It seems logic pleading etc. do not generate remorse than what does?

 

How long does this take? Never?????

 

Anybody with experience share!

[reboot]

hefty, logic does not apply to these arguments.

[Woggle]

It is not about lowering their expectations but most women are bottomless pits and it is impossible to keep them happy. A man has to be perfect and flawless to please most women and even then she will find somethi9ng wrong with him. Why should a man get cheated on for not being perfect and flawless. Women these days talk about how independent they are so why do they become so damn needy in a relationship?

[cj1988]

Michael, thank you for the honest answer...are you still married? Are you over the A and the OW yet? How long ago did it end?

 

I ask because if you read my threads I feel I am fighting a losing battle here......I am not sure if he still loves her or ever did......why he cannot be as intimate with me after a year......I do know if he continues this way I will have to leave him.....I am trying to tell myself that it cannot be true...he has loved JUST me for so long and this being BLOOD, it cannot happen ! Will I ever know the truth, no.....should I trust my GUT and realize he betrayed me in the WORST if not a PA, just that he FEEL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE is worse to me than a PA !

 

I do not what to do....he will not talk about our marriage and why he is not as atrracted to me, tells me it is all in my head, be patient and stop pushing it and just let it happen....if he has not realized in a year that I am the one and act like it, what is he waiting on....he does not call her, so I do not think it is her anymore, but more he is NOT in love with me and does not want to admit it !

[Impudent Oyster]

It is not about lowering their expectations but most women are bottomless pits and it is impossible to keep them happy. A man has to be perfect and flawless to please most women and even then she will find somethi9ng wrong with him. Why should a man get cheated on for not being perfect and flawless. Women these days talk about how independent they are so why do they become so damn needy in a relationship?

 

Well Woggle, I don't appreciate the stereotype there, because there are some women and some men who are bottomless pits...it's not all one sex or the other, it's just how some people are. Some people are very, very, needy. My former SIL left my BIL for just that reason. No infidelity was involved, but, as she said, he just sucked all the oxygen out of a room. She couldn't give anymore and he's been miserable and pining for her ever since. He woke up a little too late.

 

My husband is that type of person, he's a perfectionist, he expected it of himself and of me, he's finally realized (with a lot of help), that no one is perfect, and so he adjusted his ideal to almost perfect, and almost perfect will have to be good enough.

[Mz. Pixie]

I don't doubt that Mz. Pixie, but just some food for thought from a very wise psychologist that helped my husband and me, he said that some people are so needy that their needs are impossible to fully meet. Bottomless pits of need if you will.

 

Don't use that as a crutch, because no one else can meet YOUR needs, and sometimes, you might find that you need to readjust those needs because it isn't realistic to expect someone else to provide you with everything you need.

 

If that's the case, you'll never be fulfilled. Just something to think about.

 

Well, according to what I read, and have learned I wasn't a bottomless pit.

Is it a bottomless pit that would like her husband to be home more than 12 weekends out of 52 per year?? Or who would like her husband to speak to her in a tone that is equally as pleasing as the tone he uses for his friends or customers??

 

Apparently he thought those were unreasonable requests- but it's funny that my current H does not.

 

I see where you're coming from, I really do, but you're just off base here.

 

Actually, we are to meet our spouses needs. True that each of us does have needs that we can meet ourselves, and honestly I did that for many years. Focusing on the house, the kids, a hobby etc- everything to ignore the fact that I just wasn't happy. Yet you can only deny yourself for so long......

[Mz. Pixie]

I think instead of trying to fight with her you need to just listen to what she says and accept it. Perhaps you might learn something. Stop trying to confrom her situation to fit your model of what YOU think cheating is about. This is one subject she knows better than you. Accept it.

 

But see, what I'm saying is not what they want to hear- and I can understand that but that doesn't mean I'm not going to continue to say it.

[Impudent Oyster]

Well, according to what I read, and have learned I wasn't a bottomless pit.

Is it a bottomless pit that would like her husband to be home more than 12 weekends out of 52 per year?? Or who would like her husband to speak to her in a tone that is equally as pleasing as the tone he uses for his friends or customers??

 

Apparently he thought those were unreasonable requests- but it's funny that my current H does not.

 

.

 

No, those aren't unreasonable requests, that's why I ASKED if you were sure that your needs were reasonable rather than telling you they were.

 

I think if you had asked my BIL if he was too needy 5 years ago before he got intense therapy, he would have sworn he was not the least bit needy, that he was the perfect spouse. He never cheated, never stayed out late, was successful, loved his family, etc.

 

Since then he's learned otherwise, and will admit it freely. It's just a shame his marriage ended before he realized it.

[Mz. Pixie]

No, those aren't unreasonable requests, that's why I ASKED if you were sure that your needs were reasonable rather than telling you they were.

 

I think if you had asked my BIL if he was too needy 5 years ago before he got intense therapy, he would have sworn he was not the least bit needy, that he was the perfect spouse. He never cheated, never stayed out late, was successful, loved his family, etc.

 

Since then he's learned otherwise, and will admit it freely. It's just a shame his marriage ended before he realized it.

 

That's sad for your BIL.

[bish]

I kept doing it because I fell in love. Love is not always fun, and while there were moments of joy there were just as many moments of fear and doubt. The near breakdown came after the A was out in the open and I was faced with trying to keep my new relationship and my family. I know, that sounds stupid, but I actually deluded myself into thinking that there might be a way to work it. Eventually, being torn in two directions took its toll on me. There were moments when I thought I would just kill myself, because I couldn't see putting my kids through a divorce, yet I didn't want to let go of the emotional bond I had formed with OW.

 

U huh...and in time, and not sure if you are still with the OW, divorced or whatever, you would/will grow tired of the OW too...boredom will set in and you'll fall in love with the next OW that makes you climax.

[bish]

My husband was incredibly remorseful...and that's why he's still my husband!

 

Well I hope he is kissing your ass on a daily basis.

[bish]

I don't doubt that Mz. Pixie, but just some food for thought from a very wise psychologist that helped my husband and me, he said that some people are so needy that their needs are impossible to fully meet. Bottomless pits of need if you will.

 

Don't use that as a crutch, because no one else can meet YOUR needs, and sometimes, you might find that you need to readjust those needs because it isn't realistic to expect someone else to provide you with everything you need.

 

Very true. I sure as hell never got all my "needs" met in my M..but you didn't see me going out and sticking my member in other women.

[bish]

You answer to fixing marital problems seems to be "lower your expectations." I don't agree with that at all. That just seems to be a really sad defeating way to look at marriage.

 

So if I understand you correctly...if a wife of mine refuses to perform oral sex...I have a right to go out and cheat eh?

 

Sorry, IO is right...it is impossible to EVERYONE to meet ALL of ones needs...it just isn't realistic. Like I said...I never got all of mine met, but I was mature enough and honored my vows. Certain things just weren't important enough to me to destroy my M and family over.

[bish]

Really? Than why do you all post here? Aren't you looking for external validation? People do it all the time in every shape and form. Yes, even all of you.

 

I refuse to condemn her for her choices. It was her life and she did what she did out of depseration and frustartion in the life she was leading.

 

Uh..only one small problem....her choices hurt OTHER people.

 

When woman cheat (unlike men) it is often times their way of making the final break before leaving.

 

Ah...so its ok for women to cheat...men on the other hand should be shot?

 

Sounds like an excuse for the women to me.

[bish]

Oh really? Based on the stories you've told it sounds as though you terrorized him after he left. He's probably afraid of you now.

 

No surprise here...an cheater, OW..whatever... taking shots at a BS. Not surprised at all.

[michaelk]

Michael, thank you for the honest answer...are you still married? Are you over the A and the OW yet? How long ago did it end?

 

I ask because if you read my threads I feel I am fighting a losing battle here......I am not sure if he still loves her or ever did......why he cannot be as intimate with me after a year......I do know if he continues this way I will have to leave him.....I am trying to tell myself that it cannot be true...he has loved JUST me for so long and this being BLOOD, it cannot happen ! Will I ever know the truth, no.....should I trust my GUT and realize he betrayed me in the WORST if not a PA, just that he FEEL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE is worse to me than a PA !

 

I do not what to do....he will not talk about our marriage and why he is not as atrracted to me, tells me it is all in my head, be patient and stop pushing it and just let it happen....if he has not realized in a year that I am the one and act like it, what is he waiting on....he does not call her, so I do not think it is her anymore, but more he is NOT in love with me and does not want to admit it !

 

CJ, I feel for you as your situation right now sounds a lot like my wife's. To answer your question, I am still married and my affair ended 8 months ago. It took me 3 months to get through the worst feelings of loss, and another 3 to reach a point where I didn't think of OW every day. My W's hopes are the same as yours - to re-establish love and intimacy between us. I find that as time goes on, I do feel closer and closer to her. At the same time, I don't think I'm completely over the A yet.

 

I agree with your H that it takes time and patience for things to get back on track in your marriage. However, I disagree with the idea that it will just happen - real effort is required. For example, I think he should not be avoiding discussion of why he can't be as intimate with you and what his real feelings are. My W and I have opened up to each other in a way that we never did before the A. We don't hold things in, we share the good and bad, and raise issues and work through them. This has established an emotional intimacy that had completely disappeared prior to the A. We also did some counseling together, and I've been in therapy. All of these things have been necessary to get our relationship to where it is now - a much better place than it ever has been. And while I can't yet say I've fallen back 'in love' with my W, I think she'd agree that we are closer emotionally and physically than we ever have been. It's been a hard road, and we've both had to say and hear hard things, but we've also been committed to improving.

 

When you think about whether to stay or not, I suggest you not make the decision based on whether your marriage is 'back to normal' or meets some picture you have in your head of what it should be. Instead, ask whether you are seeing improvement and, most importantly, a real effort on you and your H's part to achieve that improvement. Your marriage will probably never be exactly as it was before - but that's not a bad thing because it can be better!

[cj1988]

Bish where have you been all my life You are the BOMB !

[Kasan]

And while I can't yet say I've fallen back 'in love' with my W, I think she'd agree that we are closer emotionally and physically than we ever have been. and hear hard things, but we've also been

 

I really appreciate your honesty, but I wonder what it will take for you to fall back in love with your wife again.