Why is remorse so hard for cheating spouse?

[Mz. Pixie]

So if I understand you correctly...if a wife of mine refuses to perform oral sex...I have a right to go out and cheat eh?

 

Sorry, IO is right...it is impossible to EVERYONE to meet ALL of ones needs...it just isn't realistic. Like I said...I never got all of mine met, but I was mature enough and honored my vows. Certain things just weren't important enough to me to destroy my M and family over.

 

Her performing OS if it's one of your emotional needs that is something you negotiate.

 

Sometimes you have a partner who is not willing to meet ANY of your needs

or negotiate.

 

You think I had an affair or left him because he wouldn't meet one or two of my needs?? Think again. He wouldn't meet any of them except financial support.

[Mz. Pixie]

Uh..only one small problem....her choices hurt OTHER people.

 

 

 

Ah...so its ok for women to cheat...men on the other hand should be shot?

 

Sounds like an excuse for the women to me.

 

Yes, my choice hurt him, however he also hurt me. Deeply and in many ways. Who says one's hurt is any worse than anothers just because it involves sex?? What makes you think his pain was worse than mine???

 

I never said it was okay for women to cheat and not for men.

 

It's not okay for anyone to cheat, period. Unfortunately it does happen quite a bit.

[Impudent Oyster]

That's sad for your BIL.

 

It is sad, he still loves her, he always will. It's been 5 years since she left him and he acts like it was yesterday, they met in college and she's the love of his life.

 

He has plenty of dates, he's very successful, attractive, smart, but he can't get over his wife. Poor guy.

[Impudent Oyster]

Well I hope he is kissing your ass on a daily basis.

 

He treats me very well and does everything possible to reassure me that he's faithful and values our marriage above all else.

[reboot]

Well I hope he is kissing your ass on a daily basis.

I can't imagine why so many people here think a WS is supposed to be kissing anyone's ass....

[michaelk]

I really appreciate your honesty, but I wonder what it will take for you to fall back in love with your wife again.

 

I ask myself that same question.

 

I've talked to my therapist about it, and he says that I just need to keep working on the relationship and myself, and that time will tell where that takes me emotionally. And I can say that I love her more than I did a year ago, because I now feel quite close to her, and am concerned again for her feelings and well-being and meeting her needs. I guess I'd describe my feelings right now as something like 'familial love', although I wouldn't really know about that since I was raised in a family where we were all at arm's length emotionally from each other. I guess it's how I imagine it would feel if I were close to my family. Anyway, I digress... sorry.

[Kasan]

I ask myself that same question.

 

I've talked to my therapist about it, and he says that I just need to keep working on the relationship and myself, and that time will tell where that takes me emotionally. And I can say that I love her more than I did a year ago, because I now feel quite close to her, and am concerned again for her feelings and well-being and meeting her needs. I guess I'd describe my feelings right now as something like 'familial love', although I wouldn't really know about that since I was raised in a family where we were all at arm's length emotionally from each other. I guess it's how I imagine it would feel if I were close to my family. Anyway, I digress... sorry.

 

I read this and I feel so badly for you and your wife, and please know that I am not judging you, as someone very dear to me was an OW.

 

All of you who take the time to post here about your situations, knowing, that there is a good chance that you will be "flamed", really do give some much needed insight into what drives a person to cheat. Your perspective is greatly appreciated.

 

I hope that you can find your way back to your wife.

[cj1988]

Michael, the A ended a year ago and you say you now feel close to your S again and care about her needs again......was that hard to do again and if so what did it take for you to do this......as you know my H is not in the dog house at all and never kisses my butt, just the opposite. What am I doing wrong? I am loving to him even after what he has done to me and he still remains distant and cold?

 

Why does he stay and tell me he loves me and is still in love with me, BUT cannot seem to show it or does not want to at all.....how can he love someone and not treat them nicely....too me he should be gald I stayed, even after his complete denial he knows I really do not believe....is this a losing battle. He acts like he hates me or resents me so badly that he cannot allow himself to be nice to me anymore....I am nowhere on his priority list.....I am just ablut to have no choice but to leave......it has been a year Saturday and we are no better.......

[bish]

Bish where have you been all my life You are the BOMB !

 

where have I been? Wasting my life over the last 13 years.

[bish]

Yes, my choice hurt him, however he also hurt me. Deeply and in many ways. Who says one's hurt is any worse than anothers just because it involves sex?? What makes you think his pain was worse than mine???

 

Never said it was...but you should have gotten out rather than sink to a certain level. the "whats good for the goose is good for the gander" concept doesn't make things all better.

 

I never said it was okay for women to cheat and not for men.

 

I know you didn't...whats-her-diddle did.

[bish]

I can't imagine why so many people here think a WS is supposed to be kissing anyone's ass....

 

you're joking I assume?

[reboot]

you're joking I assume?

Not at all. I expect my wife to be what she once was. My partner, my best friend. There are plenty of things I expect her to do to repair the damage she caused, but kissing my ass is not one of them. To put her in that position is no way to regain a healthy relationship. How is she supposed to give ME anything I need if I'm making HER feel like a churl?

[Cobra_X30]

Not at all. I expect my wife to be what she once was. My partner, my best friend. There are plenty of things I expect her to do to repair the damage she caused, but kissing my ass is not one of them. To put her in that position is no way to regain a healthy relationship. How is she supposed to give ME anything I need if I'm making HER feel like a churl?

 

You want your wife to be what she never was!

 

You clasp to your heart the perception you have of the past, yet it is an illusion.

 

Step back and look.

[reboot]

You want your wife to be what she never was!

 

You clasp to your heart the perception you have of the past, yet it is an illusion.

 

Step back and look.

It is not a perception. It is not an illusion. I lived it. She was once my very best friend. We were disgustingly happy with each other once upon a time. Whether we can get that back is a question, whether it was ever that way is not.

[Cobra_X30]

It is not a perception. It is not an illusion. I lived it. She was once my very best friend. We were disgustingly happy with each other once upon a time. Whether we can get that back is a question, whether it was ever that way is not.

 

I believe that you believe that! Then again, that was not what I was questioning is it?

 

Actions tell where true feelings lie!

 

I'm telling you not to pine for your lost innocence. Accept the bucket of cold water life has thrown in your face and build anew!

 

There is no going back to what once was.

[schweetpea]

Hi all. I'm new to this forum and this thread caught my eye. I cheated on my husband and told him immediately. I had my own remorse but of course it wasn't enough for him. I think the problem is that all people react to situations differently. I was not about to kiss my hubby's ass after telling him I cheated because I knew I didn't want to be with him anymore and what was the point? I felt how I felt and didn't care if he saw it or not. I still don't really know what he wanted me to do to show him I felt remorseful but I probably wouldn't have done it anyway.

[michaelk]

I believe that you believe that! Then again, that was not what I was questioning is it?

 

Actions tell where true feelings lie!

 

I'm telling you not to pine for your lost innocence. Accept the bucket of cold water life has thrown in your face and build anew!

 

There is no going back to what once was.

 

So true. After an A, the future holds something very different, even if you stay together. Not necessarily better or worse, just different.

[annabelle75]

No surprise here...an cheater, OW..whatever... taking shots at a BS. Not surprised at all.

 

Do we have to go over this again? I'm not a WS or even a OW. I am a former BS who left her husband and now lives happily ever after.

 

I just got over my "I HAVE TO BLAME EVERYONE BUT MYSELF" stage a long time ago. I accept responsibility fro my part in the failure of my marriage. Its quite liberating actually.

[Trialbyfire]

Do we have to go over this again? I'm not a WS or even a OW. I am a former BS who left her husband and now lives happily ever after.

 

I just got over my "I HAVE TO BLAME EVERYONE BUT MYSELF" stage a long time ago. I accept responsibility fro my part in the failure of my marriage. Its quite liberating actually.

Actually, you were an OW, albeit unknowingly, according to you. Are you now revising history?

[michaelk]

Michael, the A ended a year ago and you say you now feel close to your S again and care about her needs again......was that hard to do again and if so what did it take for you to do this......as you know my H is not in the dog house at all and never kisses my butt, just the opposite. What am I doing wrong? I am loving to him even after what he has done to me and he still remains distant and cold?

 

Why does he stay and tell me he loves me and is still in love with me, BUT cannot seem to show it or does not want to at all.....how can he love someone and not treat them nicely....too me he should be gald I stayed, even after his complete denial he knows I really do not believe....is this a losing battle. He acts like he hates me or resents me so badly that he cannot allow himself to be nice to me anymore....I am nowhere on his priority list.....I am just ablut to have no choice but to leave......it has been a year Saturday and we are no better.......

 

Well, I think it's a good thing that you're not putting your H 'in the doghouse'. I mean, after a year, if he was still taking regular flack for the A it would probably lead to a lot of resentment and get in the way of improving intimacy.

 

But to answer your question, what got me closer to my wife was establishing mutual openness and honesty. This was scary at first, and we had to have the help of my therapist. But over time I've been able to learn that I can tell her my thoughts and feelings and she won't blow up at me or judge me a bad person. All these years, I've kept myself behind something of a wall, and by taking that down we've created an intimacy we never had before.

 

I don't know if my experience will help you with your situation. It sounds like maybe your H has stayed in your marriage for reasons other than love for you. Do you have kids? Or is he the type who would stay because it's the "right thing to do"? Or is he afraid of what people would think if he left you for someone else?

 

Or maybe it's rooted in the fact that he has never come out in the open about the A. If he did it, and he knows you know, the burden of carrying that around and hiding it has got to create resentment on his part. In fact, I can imagine him feeling resentful for his not being able to get away with sneaking behind your back anymore. Like a kid whose parents are keeping an eye on him.

 

It's too bad the A has never been aired. I really think that's the main difference between your H and me. Getting caught and going through the resulting pain and turmoil got a lot of poison out of our relationship.

[Impudent Oyster]

It is not a perception. It is not an illusion. I lived it. She was once my very best friend. We were disgustingly happy with each other once upon a time. Whether we can get that back is a question

 

FWIW, I think you can. And I agree, i don't want anyone kissing my ass, especially my husband. I want to be respected, treated well, appreciated and loved, but I don't want anyone kissing my ass. How could I respect them?

[annabelle75]

Actually, you were an OW, albeit unknowingly, according to you. Are you now revising history?

 

Hee hee .... anytime I refer to myself as an OW, everyone says that I really wasn't, but anytime I say I wasn't you all say that I was. My story hasn't changed at all. Its people's perception of it that seesm to keep shifting.

 

I had a relationship with a man I didn not know was married. When I found out he was, I ended the relationship. Pretty basic story.

[sarme]

Hee hee .... anytime I refer to myself as an OW, everyone says that I really wasn't, but anytime I say I wasn't you all say that I was. My story hasn't changed at all. Its people's perception of it that seesm to keep shifting.

 

I had a relationship with a man I didn not know was married. When I found out he was, I ended the relationship. Pretty basic story.

 

 

Sounds like NOT an OW to me. I remember your story Annabelle..

 

 

Some people just troll this forum to catch people in I don't even know what, but I guess after you make your life a snoopfest because you have been cheated on you treat everyone like you are putting them through lie detector test.

[norajane]

Well, I think it's a good thing that you're not putting your H 'in the doghouse'. I mean, after a year, if he was still taking regular flack for the A it would probably lead to a lot of resentment and get in the way of improving intimacy.

 

If the BS is still feeling the effects of the affair a year later, still feeling hurt, still feeling angry, still feeling betrayed, why wouldn't they let their cheating spouse know about how they feel? If they are, for the most part, in the healing phase, but there are some triggers that bring back the waves of pain, why would the BS just shut up and suck it up without even mentioning it to their cheating spouse?

 

If the BS keeps quiet about their feelings, even if it is a year later, isn't THAT detrimental to improving intimacy because they are not being honest with their cheating spouse? Won't it create resentment within the BS - even more than is already there for the betrayal - if they are also required to stay silent about their true feeliings?

 

Or do you believe that BS's get over affairs in a year and never have another painful feeling again, so any 'doghouse' type reaction is just the BS giving the cheater 'flack' just to be mean?

[Virgo1982]

Hello Reboot, thanks I am a big girl and love to hear honesty from anyone that is the point here right? In my case it is different, I need to explain a little....you see we split up in 2002 ( before we married, we lived together since 94) he moved out and I moved on so to speak. He left me, but wanted me to grovel forever, beg and plead and I did for a little while, then I moved on....I started hanging out with someone and had sex with him 2 times....my now H found out and went nuts !

 

So, he has tortured me about that since August of 2002...calls me a cheater ( we were not together, hello) and hates CHEATERS.....so as you see he will NEVER admit that he is what he hates about me and has kept me down for (in the doghouse) he woud die first than be what he has pinned on me all this time.....because if he is cheater I am off the hook....it is a stupid game he plays and guess what in the end his will loose the game !

 

He said why would I ever cheat and do what you did to me.....why would I do that to myself.....yeah right !

 

CJ, you know how I feel about your situation and everyday I see a new you:) You are leaving the old CJ behind and returning to who you used to be. I do not know why you were with him before the big, hot mess, but ths guy has some serious emotional issues. After you look at the substance abuse, detachment, emotional blackmail, incestuous relationship, and lies what is left? I think the bad definitely outweighs the good in this situation. So, I think it's good your moving in this direction. You deserve better. Work on making yourself better. Be indifferent toward him. Don't be bitter toward him. Don't kiss his a$$. Just be indifferent and work on building yourself up. Continue to interact with your fellow loveshackers and take time to read, think, and do things that make you happy. Misery loves company, but tell him, "I'M BUSY!!!!"