Why is remorse so hard for cheating spouse?

[LifesontheUp]

Sometimes you have a partner who is not willing to meet ANY of your needs

or negotiate.

 

You think I had an affair or left him because he wouldn't meet one or two of my needs?? Think again. He wouldn't meet any of them except financial support.

 

So only 1 need was being met. Come on that is nowhere near a relationship so what the heck were you still there for?

[LifesontheUp]

Not at all. I expect my wife to be what she once was. My partner, my best friend. There are plenty of things I expect her to do to repair the damage she caused, but kissing my ass is not one of them. To put her in that position is no way to regain a healthy relationship. How is she supposed to give ME anything I need if I'm making HER feel like a churl?

 

Aww Reboot, she will never be what she once was to you, she destroyed that with her betrayal. She showed you a side to her you never thought existed and that cannot be taken back.

 

What you can do is try and build back a relationship with your wife, hopefully a satisfying, open and honest one for you both. But you will always live with knowledge of what she is capable of and even if you forgive her you will never be able to forget. There will be times down the road, years from now when she is late and didn't call where you will automatically worry what she is doing, you will have that doubt, it is human nature. It is the fall out from what she did.

[cj1988]

Michael, again thank you for you honesty...it helps more than you know. To answwer your question, no we do not have kids together. I have a son that just left for college (GO BULLDOGS*UGA*) and he has a 15 year old son that lives with I have raised since he was 2, so he is mine...I love him like my own. He adds to my H issues...he just told us in July he is gay, I knew I am a mom.....so my H being the macho southern boy that he is....handles it better than I expected, but it is eating him up inside.

 

My H does not talk about his personal feelings too much with anyone, never has....but he did the sister....too much if you ask me. He is very private and holds it all in, unlike me I spill my beans daily so to speak....he claims to have those so called inner demons he fights daily and has for years ( I guess inner major conflicts) so yes, he has issues but said that he keeps them under control. So, as you see he could be the type to fall in love with the new sis because she gave him love and affection he has never received from the other sibs he grew up with...not an excuse. He has been looking for love all his life and found it for a bit in me, then that was not enough. She came into the picture, they started talking daily more and more and next thing I know, they were talking AWFUl about me....not HIS style. Normally, you try to talk about me, you get cussed out....so you can imagine what I felt when I heard the tape and my new H talking about me like I was his enemy and telling her how much he loved her...his new LOVE.....but it was all innocent according to him, just a BIG sis taking care of her little brother....whatever

 

Even if they had not been talking that way, I was second to her now no matter what....she got all the calls and the attention. She said I do not understand why us talking during the day bothers you....he comes home to you at night, we do not talk then or the weekend, because that is for the family. She said we talk during the day so that we get to know each other and it does not take away from the families....BUT why talk all day???? He called me 3 times a day up until her and then he stopped calling me and said I see you everyday....so as you can see it was stressful for months before I caught them on tape, which they still say is innocent....just sib love....that is WHY he claims to be cold now....that I was taht f---- up to make something I over heard as perverted....he said that he was tired of my accusations (have accused him before over the years) he is tired of me checking his truck and phone etc over the years and that was the last time ! I can understand all that, but something made me think all these years he was doing something when he really was not.....that was MY insecurity in action, I know that now from therapy....but this time was different, I felt it all in my gut.....I saw the signs and KNEW for sure something was up......so as you see we have major issues that go back for years....that is not my problem, it is that he does not want to address any and resolve them NOW. He likes living in silence, sexless, boring marriage....WHY I do not know !

 

I sent him a text yesterday asking to think about this question "Why do you stay with me if you are obviously unhappy, you do not hide it well, think before you answer" he got pissed when he got it and said why do you ask BS questrions like that? I said because you are not happy and neither am I because of that now.....I said we do not talk, laugh, have any fun or interact like a normal couple....he said, because you do s--- like this ! So you see he does not want to go, but hates being there to me. He said we have been together 13 years, we are not just beginning to date....why does everything have to be like this for you? Why cant you relax and just LOVE me.....when I ask what do you want and need from me, he said I do not want or need anything from you or anyone else, just love me !

 

Sorry so long, woke up with panic attack again ! I have slept ok for months now and all the sudden I cannot sleep at all again!

[cj1988]

Virgo, you are a sweetheart! Yes, I am trying to find my way, but keep hitting walls......I did come to the conclusion last night that even if he does not admit it, I know in my heart he loved her and that is enough for me to leave him eventually when I can get my s--- straight and be OK with my decision. Even if he is innoceent, he does not treat me the way I wanted to be treated.

 

He is not for whatever reeason capable of loving me in the way he use to....he is not in any way shape or form meeting ANY of my needs ! NONE !

[reboot]

Aww Reboot, she will never be what she once was to you, she destroyed that with her betrayal. She showed you a side to her you never thought existed and that cannot be taken back.

 

What you can do is try and build back a relationship with your wife, hopefully a satisfying, open and honest one for you both. But you will always live with knowledge of what she is capable of and even if you forgive her you will never be able to forget. There will be times down the road, years from now when she is late and didn't call where you will automatically worry what she is doing, you will have that doubt, it is human nature. It is the fall out from what she did.

I sincerely appreciate all you people that spend your time belaboring the obvious. Although I'm really not sure what the point is....

[silktricks]

Aww Reboot, she will never be what she once was to you, she destroyed that with her betrayal. She showed you a side to her you never thought existed and that cannot be taken back.

 

What you can do is try and build back a relationship with your wife, hopefully a satisfying, open and honest one for you both. But you will always live with knowledge of what she is capable of and even if you forgive her you will never be able to forget. There will be times down the road, years from now when she is late and didn't call where you will automatically worry what she is doing, you will have that doubt, it is human nature. It is the fall out from what she did.

Sorry, but this is such bs. There is a lot more that goes into true recovery than just being together, and the number 1 thing is rebuilding the lost trust. If you can't trust again than you haven't really rebuilt. There is also a lot more that is a problem sign than being late getting somewhere. The distance the cheater creates in the relationship is the indicator of problems.

 

The whole idea of working things out is not to stay together in any circumstance but to regain the relationship the couple had, not just before the cheating, but before the problems that led to the cheating.

[Cobra_X30]

I sincerely appreciate all you people that spend your time belaboring the obvious. Although I'm really not sure what the point is....

 

If the point was truely obvious to you, I wouldnt be discussing this with you!

 

1st, take away the idea that I am attacking your marriage! I can and will respect your choice, and I see the strength it requires. I also feel that you made that choice for good reasons.

 

However, there are some aspects of this that I feel you have not dealt with. Sweeping things under the rug only works short term. Those things which are easy and provide quick relief are often that which is unhealthy.

 

This may catch up to you some day... it may not also.

 

Either way... there is my point, in very plain and simple terms.

[reboot]

It's become painfully obvious to me that many, many people here are not here for the same reason as me. I came here to learn, whereas many of you are here to teach. You have nothing to learn, you already know it all.

 

And "teaching" for a lot of you is little more than spitting venom at anyone who disagrees with you, and anyone who is different from you. And it isn't just one side, it is OW, BS, and some who are neither. I guess somehow it brings a ray of sunshine to an otherwise pathetic existence to try to project gloom on other people.

 

As for myself, I will go home tonight and kiss my wife, and hug my kids. As dysfunctional as my family sometimes is, the crap I read here makes us look like a 50s TV sitcom.

 

Do have a nice day and keep passing that toadstool amoungst yourselves.

[cj1988]

I am with REBOOT, we are all on here to learn from each other, not to form your ow negative opinions......we are here to support not to upset the already hurting issue. I know I have learned alot from MOST of you....you are all in my prayers everyday !

[Cobra_X30]

It's become painfully obvious to me that many, many people here are not here for the same reason as me. I came here to learn, whereas many of you are here to teach. You have nothing to learn, you already know it all.

 

And "teaching" for a lot of you is little more than spitting venom at anyone who disagrees with you, and anyone who is different from you. And it isn't just one side, it is OW, BS, and some who are neither. I guess somehow it brings a ray of sunshine to an otherwise pathetic existence to try to project gloom on other people.

 

As for myself, I will go home tonight and kiss my wife, and hug my kids. As dysfunctional as my family sometimes is, the crap I read here makes us look like a 50s TV sitcom.

 

Do have a nice day and keep passing that toadstool amoungst yourselves.

 

I've learned alot from bieng here! Without going into great detail, I have tackled several very personal issues based on the thoughts and experiences I have read and shared.

 

Perhaps I do tend to be a little on the doom and gloom side, however, you should note that it really depends on who I am addressing and what I percieve thier needs to be at the time.

 

In honesty, if you didnt remind me in some ways of my own family... I would not care!

 

You will survive and have a bright happy future! I have no doubt on that. I think it would be brighter yet if you fully explored what put you into a bad situation in the past.

 

On a side note, I do not pretend to teach! I try guide! I provide insight and information. You take from that what you wish! Does this make sense?

[reboot]

Honestly Cobra, my post wasn't directed towards you at all. I know you're trying to be helpful. You aren't always right (none of us are), but you're never spewing poison.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just see so many people here saying things they have no business saying. Hurtful things that can't even be passed off as 'tough love'.

[Cobra_X30]

Honestly Cobra, my post wasn't directed towards you at all. I know you're trying to be helpful. You aren't always right (none of us are), but you're never spewing poison.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just see so many people here saying things they have no business saying. Hurtful things that can't even be passed off as 'tough love'.

 

Ah... Understood!

 

Should we focus on those who are lacking wit and tact? Or should we focus our attentions to those who possess heart and wisdom?

 

For me... I ignore the fools, unless I need assist someone who cannot.

 

In summation. Thank You! Whether you know it or not I have learned much from your perspective.

[michaelk]

If the BS is still feeling the effects of the affair a year later, still feeling hurt, still feeling angry, still feeling betrayed, why wouldn't they let their cheating spouse know about how they feel? If they are, for the most part, in the healing phase, but there are some triggers that bring back the waves of pain, why would the BS just shut up and suck it up without even mentioning it to their cheating spouse?

 

If the BS keeps quiet about their feelings, even if it is a year later, isn't THAT detrimental to improving intimacy because they are not being honest with their cheating spouse? Won't it create resentment within the BS - even more than is already there for the betrayal - if they are also required to stay silent about their true feeliings?

 

Or do you believe that BS's get over affairs in a year and never have another painful feeling again, so any 'doghouse' type reaction is just the BS giving the cheater 'flack' just to be mean?

 

Of course the BS has the right to their feelings after a day or a month or a year. And yes, I agree, they should express those feelings and not hold them in. You are absolutely right that that would not be healthy!

 

The term 'regular flack' was meant to indicate that my interpretation of 'in the doghouse' is as an ongoing state of rehashing the A and it's consequences, most likely as a form of retribution, either conscious or not.

 

Yes, I know, the BS cannot be expected to have completely come to terms with the A after a set period of time. The point I was trying to make was that, right or wrong, most men when faced with post-affair hurt, sadness and anger on an ongoing basis for a year would start to lose sight of why they had stayed in the first place. After all, most of us have a hard time dealing with the emotional fallout when we don't notice our W's new hairstyle!

 

Seriously, though, if both parties haven't made significant progress toward coping with their feelings after such a long time, I'd wonder whether they were doing the right things to get back on track. Airing the issues that led to the A and the feelings that came out of it is essential not only to healing, but to bringing the H and W close to each other again.

[michaelk]

Aww Reboot, she will never be what she once was to you, she destroyed that with her betrayal. She showed you a side to her you never thought existed and that cannot be taken back.

 

I don't agree with this. My wife has learned so much about how flawed I am as a result of my A, not just relating to the A itself but other things as well. I thought that once I was 'off the pedestal' she wouldn't be able to love me anymore, but I was wrong. And as for friendship, we agree that we're better friends than ever.

[michaelk]

I sent him a text yesterday asking to think about this question "Why do you stay with me if you are obviously unhappy, you do not hide it well, think before you answer" he got pissed when he got it and said why do you ask BS questrions like that? I said because you are not happy and neither am I because of that now.....I said we do not talk, laugh, have any fun or interact like a normal couple....he said, because you do s--- like this ! So you see he does not want to go, but hates being there to me. He said we have been together 13 years, we are not just beginning to date....why does everything have to be like this for you? Why cant you relax and just LOVE me.....when I ask what do you want and need from me, he said I do not want or need anything from you or anyone else, just love me !

 

Sorry so long, woke up with panic attack again ! I have slept ok for months now and all the sudden I cannot sleep at all again!

 

You're welcome. I'm happy to provide what insights I can. And I'm sorry to hear about the panic attacks. I know how awful those can be.

 

Have you considered starting a thread of your own? It seems there are a lot of things you could air and get some useful feedback on.

 

Maybe your H is simply someone who cannot, for whatever reason, deal with emotions. He may be too 'macho' as you say, but if he's got demons in his past that he's never shared with you, it seems just as likely that he's built up a wall to help keep those under control. I mean, saying that he doesn't want or need anything from anyone, including you is a red flag. Some people deal with trauma by sealing it off and distancing themselves from others so as not to be vulnerable. Maybe that's him. If so, you have to ask yourself whether that's the kind of relationship you want. Can you be happy with a man who cannot or will not share himself with you, and who admits freely that he doesn't want or need you?

 

I'm just thinking out loud here. Hope it helps!

[Mz. Pixie]

So only 1 need was being met. Come on that is nowhere near a relationship so what the heck were you still there for?

 

A whole host of reasons. The vows I took, his family who I adored, our children........

[bish]

Not at all. I expect my wife to be what she once was. My partner, my best friend. There are plenty of things I expect her to do to repair the damage she caused, but kissing my ass is not one of them. To put her in that position is no way to regain a healthy relationship. How is she supposed to give ME anything I need if I'm making HER feel like a churl?

 

Thats why I'd never stay with a cheater. No offense to you..I don't blame people for wanting to try to make it work.

 

The other side of the coin is if you don't try to get her to pay the consequences, I don't believe they ever truly do it on their own and learn a valuable lesson....cheat, and my victim won't do a thing about it.

 

In the end divorce was the only answer...she wasn't to be trusted.

 

good luck with your situation though, I hope it works out.

[bish]

It is not a perception. It is not an illusion. I lived it. She was once my very best friend. We were disgustingly happy with each other once upon a time. Whether we can get that back is a question, whether it was ever that way is not.

 

And you have been exiled to a life of reliving what she did to you in your mind...you may not think about it on a daily basis...but it will come back to haunt you....you willing to settle for that?

[bish]

Do we have to go over this again? I'm not a WS or even a OW. I am a former BS who left her husband and now lives happily ever after.

 

I just got over my "I HAVE TO BLAME EVERYONE BUT MYSELF" stage a long time ago. I accept responsibility fro my part in the failure of my marriage. Its quite liberating actually.

 

The way you take shots at BS's does not indicate that you simply got over anything. You don't like them for whatever reason.

 

Someone who simply got over the "blame everyone but myself" doesn't talk in this forum as if BS's are crap that deserve the pain that they get like you do.

[Mz. Pixie]

The other side of the coin is if you don't try to get her to pay the consequences,

 

And what exactly would be good enough consequences???? I'm just wondering because I'm not sure how you can ever repair that.

[silktricks]

The other side of the coin is if you don't try to get her to pay the consequences, I don't believe they ever truly do it on their own and learn a valuable lesson....cheat, and my victim won't do a thing about it.

 

What??? I'm sorry but that is not the way I would ever choose to live my life. My job is not to make my H somehow pay the consequences of what he did. I am neither policeman nor judge to decide the man did or did not "suffer enough" as a result of his actions.

 

It was his choice to stay and work things out. It was my choice to stay and work things out. Either of us could have decided the marriage was not worth the effort, neither of us did. We worked on the marriage together, not as jailer and prisoner, or judge and defendent, but as husband and wife. We are now, again best friends and lovers.

[LifesontheUp]

Sorry, but this is such bs. There is a lot more that goes into true recovery than just being together, and the number 1 thing is rebuilding the lost trust. If you can't trust again than you haven't really rebuilt. There is also a lot more that is a problem sign than being late getting somewhere. The distance the cheater creates in the relationship is the indicator of problems.

 

The whole idea of working things out is not to stay together in any circumstance but to regain the relationship the couple had, not just before the cheating, but before the problems that led to the cheating.

 

Agreed there is more to it, I was giving a quick response. Basically, trust can be built back up and the WS forgiven but the infidelity will never be forgotten.

[LifesontheUp]

Honestly Cobra, my post wasn't directed towards you at all. I know you're trying to be helpful. You aren't always right (none of us are), but you're never spewing poison.

 

Sorry for the rant, I just see so many people here saying things they have no business saying. Hurtful things that can't even be passed off as 'tough love'.

 

Reboot, my apologies once again, my intention was not to upset you.

[bish]

What??? I'm sorry but that is not the way I would ever choose to live my life. My job is not to make my H somehow pay the consequences of what he did. I am neither policeman nor judge to decide the man did or did not "suffer enough" as a result of his actions.

 

Easy thunder...I wasn't talking about forcing anyone to do anything...I was referring to expecting someone to face the consequences....whether a person does or not is up to that person.

 

I expect people to pay for their wrong doing and if they don't do it on their own...then to hell with them. Sorry if I didn't word it well.

[bish]

And what exactly would be good enough consequences???? I'm just wondering because I'm not sure how you can ever repair that.

 

What is good enough consequences? the wayward spouse displaying anything but a "just drop it already attitude" for one. Any cheater that betrays someone, then expects the betrayed to just drop it..as if they could put it out of their mind just a week or 2 after discovery, needs to be dumped.

 

A betrayer needs to understand that the betrayed is going to be angry and upset for quite a while..and we aren't talking a few days....we are talking a few months. So anything less than empathy and understanding from the cheater is just the cheater trying to get away with murder. They got their gratification, but expect the betrayed to just put it out of their mind.

 

Another consequence, which I don't think is unreasonable...is that of the cheater refraining from being in an environment that they cannot handle themselves in a faithful manner....such as if they went clubbing all the time...that should stop if they truly want to work on the marriage. Yes i know, cheating can happen anywhere...just as I COULD die crossing the street...but I'm SURE to die if I jump in a pit with some hungry lions.

 

But I am not talking about forcing a betrayer to be a prisoner or forcing them to do anything...if they aren't willing to do things on their own, then out the door they should go.

 

And when i said "The other side of the coin is if you don't try to get her to pay the consequences" ...I didn't mean strapping them down and browbeating them into submission....I meant try to get them to do it of their own free will...in other words, the betrayed need to communicate to the cheater what they expect...then let the cheater decide if they are willing to make amends.