Feeling Really Sick.

[ARDriver01]

So... My wife and I are getting a divorce, and it's really looking ugly. She tells me that she's not involved with the suspected guy, but she is. I know what it feels like to be lied to all too well.

 

She's with him everyday. She basically threw me out for him. He's a recovering junkie. I feel so unattractive and totally useless. I'm bombarded by dirty images all day long and especially in my sleep. That is of course when I can sleep.

 

I always want to call her to tell her how discusting and vile she is but I know that she is non responsive. She's so clowded by the lies she feeds me that talking to her is like reading a script. I wouldn't be surprised if even she believes what she's saying.

 

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I'm down to 119 lbs. I'm totally emaciated. I try as hard as I can to keep doing my work and school. I'm looking forward to finding a new church. My friends are amazing and yet I'm still totally sick.

 

I hate her for what she's done. It discusts me deeply to think that I was ever involved so much with so little.

 

She said she may want me to pay her bills alemoni or however it's spelled.

She wont get a dime out of me though. I'm so worried that she'll move back into our apartment with this new guy. Then I'll feel like I was thrown out of both the marraige and my home. I know she's been planning a divorce for a few weeks now. She knows more legal jargin than I do! She's done her homework.

 

This is really hard because I've been a very, very good husband. I feel like she's atacking me and I can't do anything about it. She's almost out of my life and yet I'm still feeling abused.

 

How can I function, how can I eat food, how do I get these thoughts out of my brain. I wish she would just dissapear like a vapor. I hate her so much.

[bustertypsy]

I am so sorry for your pain,I can feel it through your post.

The first thing you need to do is stop hating her and start feeling sorry for her.

By hating her you are only being hard on yourself and bringing out the bad side of you.Say a prayer for her and ask God to help her.

 

I know what it's like to not eat,sleep,think straight.Hold in there and be secure in the knowledge that you will come thru this $hitty time in your life,when washing your face is a giant task.

 

You have to look after the most important person,you.

You are what matters now,not her.So slowly try to build your life back up and let her go off with her junkie.No doubt,in time she will regret it,a lot.

She may even come back crying to you.Hopefully by then you will be a stronger person.You take care!!

[AHIWON]

Welcome to LS! Now what happened so bad in your relationship that your wife left you for a recovering drug addict? That must be like going straight from the frying pan right into the fire. You need to expand on that no matter how much it hurts. If you give accurate details, you will get better advice.

 

No matter what, the first thing you need to focus on is yourself. Forget about her. Get your own life back in order. You would appear more attractive to her that way plus it's an added bonus to your own survival. If she comes back she does, if she doesn't then you are better off without her. Sounds like a mess. I wish you the best. I know what you are feeling tho, been there done that. My XSO had an affair and it hurt like hell. It sucks and feels like the world should end. It won't and you will go on. You will get better. Keep posting, it helps a lot.

[Gunny376]

Hey ARD, long time no see~!

 

You really need to go see someone, IC, your minister, MD. At that Hate you've got will eat you up.

 

Forget her! Work on getting your life back together. It takes two to make it, but only one to break it.

 

And I've seen this over and over again with some women that up and leave for no good reason and run off with some low-life, slacker, because they're "in Love" with them!!!!!! :love::love:

 

There's no such thing as a "recovering" anything! And addict is an addict is an addict. You don't quit smoking, you just choose not to smoke every single day for the rest of your life. You're going along, five, ten, fifteen years? Bam! You're back to smoking?

 

As far as the sleeping and eating goes? You need to increase your level of physical activity, and I mean big time! You increase it sufficently? Eating and sleeping will take care of itself. I mean really get a good early morning workout. I'm talking up with the rising sun.

 

As far as alimony and paying her bills goes? :lmao: :lmao:

 

She's living in la~la land. She may be able to talk the talk, but she won't be able walk the walk. As long as she's healthy and able to work? She won't get a dime. As far as the bills go? If she took the furniture and applicances? Guess what comes with them ~ that's right! The bills! She's got her car? Guess who pays for that? Her.

 

Alimony is seldom awarded anymore and when it is? Its generally tempoary, and because the wife was a SAHM for many a year!

 

Hang in there, chill out, work on your inner game! Forget all about her! Quit expending all the emotional energy over someone who's not worth it.

 

And BTW? All that hate you've been talking out? That's all love, as long as you Hate her ~ your still in love with her?

 

Now don't you really think that you deserve better than her?

[whichwayisup]

Sorry you're in so much pain and not feeling well.

 

Nag alert!! ---> Make yourself nibble on fruit, drink water and definately take an hour out of your day to sit and put on music, mellow out, do some yoga (trust me, one week of doing yoga daily you WILL feel better) and just know that things will get better. Right now everything is out of your control, so don't try to control it. Doing that will only make you feel worse.

[ARDriver01]

Thanks for all your support guys. I really need it and appreciate every one of your posts.

 

One thing that eats at me is knowing that she's off with him. It makes me feel sick. I want to call and ask her why but I know that it will hurt more and I wont get anything from it. Nothing.

 

I feel like total refuse. I'm her trash. That sh** hurts real bad. I don't know how to shake it.

 

I have extreme highs where I feel kind of free from all the pain she's caused, and extreme lows. Does it just take time?

 

I've always had it in the back of my mind to work things out. Now I'm totally done and it's very strange and very cold.

[Gunny376]

Yea, it takes time! Your "Brain Housing Group" is wired "different" from her's!

 

Hate to be the one that tells ya? But your still very much in love with this gal! Its an addiction that you've got zero control over. You love her, your in love with her, and you probally will be for the rest of your life! Learn to deal with it.

 

But despite that? Doesn't mean just because your in love with her, that's she the "ONE"

 

There isn't any "The One" It simply means? Your in love with her! That it! That's all! It means your extremely attracted to her, your hormones are kicking in! And they're saying "PROCREATE! PROCREATE! PASS ON YOUR GENE'S! PROCREATE!"

 

And again! You hate her so much! Because you LOVE her so MUCH!

 

Let HER go ~ she's NO good for you!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Remember when you yourself said that you didnt know how to leave her, well what are you bitching and moaning for??

 

She gave you your freedom!!!

 

You dont have to worry about her, You dont have to pine away for her. You can start your life over, take care of your kids and dont sweat what she's doing. If she's being self destructive, then protect yourself and your kids. This may be a blessing in disguise man, The next chick you meet would probably treat you better but how will you know if your not ready for it!??

 

So what she's gone. She was a cheater anyway's! So long and good riddance. Work towards forgiveness and a sense of peace in your mind. It will get better trust me on that one.

[Ladyjane14]

 

One thing that eats at me is knowing that she's off with him. It makes me feel sick. I want to call and ask her why but I know that it will hurt more and I wont get anything from it. Nothing.

 

I feel like total refuse. I'm her trash. That sh** hurts real bad. I don't know how to shake it.

 

I have extreme highs where I feel kind of free from all the pain she's caused, and extreme lows. Does it just take time?

 

It does take time. But you also have to be a little bit proactive. So... start by doing what Gunny told you to, see a doctor or counselor to rule out depression, up exercise to a healthy level, and take WWIU's recommendation to start grazing on some healthy foods.

 

Meantime... stop internalizing your STBX's actions as somehow reflective of you. Someone else's poor choices can't make you "trash". Cerebrally, you already know that. But when you take these unwanted thoughts, wad them up and toss them out of your brain-space... you're taking control. Tell your stinkin' thinker to STFU.

 

Gunny's right... you're still feeling those "in love" feelings. In fact, the more drama surrounding the situation, the more adrenaline and dopamine and whatnot is produced. So, these emotions are going to feel more intense while all that is stirred up.

 

The opposite of Love is actually Indifference... and THAT's where your goal lies. So, you get some deep breaths and start introducing some serenity into your life. Get everything calmed down, and the intensity you're feeling will probably settle down too.

 

Quite frankly, it doesn't matter who this chick is with anymore. Because if this is how she is... you're just lucky it's no longer YOU. You could've been twenty years down the pike with a couple of kids and THEN find out she's a cheating baggage, so in all the ways that count... she's done you a big favor by bailing out. With that in mind, it's okay to feel a little bit relieved and even wish her well down her path. Afterall, she's freed you up to find a better life.

 

Have some faith that you WILL find happiness again.

[Kasan]

AR--

 

I saw that you had posted on someone else's thread yesterday, and I wondered how you were doing.

 

As sorry as I am to say this to you, this day has been coming for some time now....and I think that you have known this. You can't fix her...her medical issues are to numerous...and you can't save her from herself.

 

Marriage is about love and support; and if we make the mistake of marrying someone who destroys us, then we have to let them go.

 

You have a lot on your plate right now, with your grandmother, and school--it is absolutely necessary that you take care of yourself.

 

One day at a time!

[ARDriver01]

I'm at work and it's early. Mornings suck and it's really nice to have all these great comments in the morning.

 

I'm in one of those really depressed introspective nightmare phases right now. You know, when everything reminds you of something... Not necessarily her but of something.

[ARDriver01]

She called me at work and we spoke. She told me that she slept in today and missed her counseling. I had spoken to her mom in the morning and she wasn't home.

 

So she stopped lying about having sex with this guy. It's not a suprise to me. I did make me concrete in my anger though and I told her what I think of her.

 

I called her every name in the book, kept her on the phone. I told her "I hope you realize how discusting you are and I hope it eats at you till the day you die", I called her a whore, a slut, a fag**t. It got pretty ugly.

 

I said "What's going to happen to you? You get away with everything and hurt everyone with whom you coexist, Nothing ever happens to you. You just hurt everyone and get away with it, I hate you"... etc...

 

She said "Of course I'm getting what I deserve, I'm loosing you". I was like "Eff you, you made that decision pretty easily and gives you a reason to continue being a whore. It's an even trade".

 

Anyway, I hung up, I decided to stop talking to her. She has nothing to offer me.

 

I spent a few hours feeling pretty stupid for saying all those awful, hateful things. She does have many demons and she is a horrible person and no one likes her except for her family. I felt pretty bad.

 

She called me at home to talk about some bills. I told her she had her own account and she should just give me the checkbook on saturday when we do the move. She apologized about the checkbook situation excessively. She was really apologizing for what she's done to me. I told her "I do hate you right now. I may regret the mean things I said to you someday, but just know that Jesus does love you, and wants you to be up there with Him someday. I told her to have a good night, she said okay and I hung up.

 

I think this may be the begining of the end of my ANGER stage. I hope anyway. I just so sick of being angry.

 

What comes after ANGER?

[sumdude]

I think this may be the begining of the end of my ANGER stage. I hope anyway. I just so sick of being angry.

 

What comes after ANGER?

 

Well there's no particular order to the stages of grief ... which is what you are experincing.

 

There's sorrow, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance..

 

I bounced around them all during the separation and divorce. Never knew it was possible to go from spittn' screamin' cussin mad to sobbing in my beer in one second and back again.

 

Hell it's been 10 months since the separation, about three since the actual divorce.. and every once in a while I still get hit with it. But the frequency, intensity and duration of all those feelings get smaller every time. Kinda like waves in a pond after throwing a boulder in, every wave gets smaller than the last one.

 

Just hang in there bud.. it gets better with time and the more you work at it, work on yourself the faster it goes. Hate is love turned inside out... anger is fear and pain breaking out of your control... We can end up fearing never being loved again or worthy of it and that's what you have to work at.

 

Dude she's one mixed up momma... causing a load of grief for you. Just remeber you're a good person and you want to be a better person every day.

[whichwayisup]

Okay, you need a boys night out BADLY! Call afew of your trusted friends and GO have fun. Be boys, laugh, and let it loose! Are you a hockey fan? If so, depending on which City you're in, get hockey tickets and enjoy a game. (Please tell me you're not from either Ottawa, Montreal or NY...If you are, I have to stop replying to you! ) Seriously, you need to get away from all this stuff, take a break otherwise you're gonna end up sick.

[Mz. Pixie]

AR- please get some counseling.

 

Your wife is pretty messed up. Have you ever thought for a second about what deep down is keeping you tied to her?? Self esteem issues??? Co-dependency?? Therapy could help you get to the bottom of all of that and help you deal with this better.

 

Seriously, every time I see a post from you I'm concerned. Please get some professional help.

[Chrome Barracuda]

AR- please get some counseling.

 

Your wife is pretty messed up. Have you ever thought for a second about what deep down is keeping you tied to her?? Self esteem issues??? Co-dependency?? Therapy could help you get to the bottom of all of that and help you deal with this better.

 

Seriously, every time I see a post from you I'm concerned. Please get some professional help.

 

Does it F-ing matter, if she has low self esteem issues that isnt his problem she has to take care of herself and find happiness within.

 

If her coping mechanism is to sleep with random men gaining a thrill from it without consequences then she isnt good to have as a wife.

 

I'd say good riddance. If your unhappy you can ride a bike, Write a book, play a video game. But when you step outside the marriage trying to find that elusive happiness without thinking of anyone else? Why should you receive sympathy?

 

She is in control of her own body right? Noboddy put a gun to her head and made her sleep with other men right? What she did, She done of her own free will. Period.

 

She made her choice and now she has to live with it.

[Mz. Pixie]

Does it F-ing matter, if she has low self esteem issues that isnt his problem she has to take care of herself and find happiness within.

 

If her coping mechanism is to sleep with random men gaining a thrill from it without consequences then she isnt good to have as a wife.

 

I'd say good riddance. If your unhappy you can ride a bike, Write a book, play a video game. But when you step outside the marriage trying to find that elusive happiness without thinking of anyone else? Why should you receive sympathy?

 

She is in control of her own body right? Noboddy put a gun to her head and made her sleep with other men right? What she did, She done of her own free will. Period.

 

She made her choice and now she has to live with it.

 

Chrome, re read my post again. I'm not talking about her self esteem issues, I'm talking about HIS.

 

I think he should seriously question why he wants to stay with this woman after all she's done- as messed up as she is. I think taking a look at himself through therapy might help him identify the reasons why internally he cannot let her go although she's shxt on him and has many, many issues.

[jmargel]

She called me at work and we spoke. She told me that she slept in today and missed her counseling. I had spoken to her mom in the morning and she wasn't home.

 

So she stopped lying about having sex with this guy. It's not a suprise to me. I did make me concrete in my anger though and I told her what I think of her.

 

I called her every name in the book, kept her on the phone. I told her "I hope you realize how discusting you are and I hope it eats at you till the day you die", I called her a whore, a slut, a fag**t. It got pretty ugly.

 

I said "What's going to happen to you? You get away with everything and hurt everyone with whom you coexist, Nothing ever happens to you. You just hurt everyone and get away with it, I hate you"... etc...

 

She said "Of course I'm getting what I deserve, I'm loosing you". I was like "Eff you, you made that decision pretty easily and gives you a reason to continue being a whore. It's an even trade".

 

Anyway, I hung up, I decided to stop talking to her. She has nothing to offer me.

 

I spent a few hours feeling pretty stupid for saying all those awful, hateful things. She does have many demons and she is a horrible person and no one likes her except for her family. I felt pretty bad.

 

She called me at home to talk about some bills. I told her she had her own account and she should just give me the checkbook on saturday when we do the move. She apologized about the checkbook situation excessively. She was really apologizing for what she's done to me. I told her "I do hate you right now. I may regret the mean things I said to you someday, but just know that Jesus does love you, and wants you to be up there with Him someday. I told her to have a good night, she said okay and I hung up.

 

I think this may be the begining of the end of my ANGER stage. I hope anyway. I just so sick of being angry.

 

What comes after ANGER?

 

Hate is a pretty big word. You may HATE the things she has done to you but I don't think you HATE her as a person.

 

Look up the 5 stages of grief, you are going through that. She refuses to goto counseling and will continue to try to stay in your life for her own sneaky reasons. It's best to go NC as much as possible. Remember not to put your own self-worth into this as I think this is what you are doing. No matter who she would have married she still would have done this.

[ARDriver01]

Okay, you need a boys night out BADLY! Call afew of your trusted friends and GO have fun. Be boys, laugh, and let it loose! Are you a hockey fan? If so, depending on which City you're in, get hockey tickets and enjoy a game. (Please tell me you're not from either Ottawa, Montreal or NY...If you are, I have to stop replying to you! ) Seriously, you need to get away from all this stuff, take a break otherwise you're gonna end up sick.

 

Kings baby, Kings. Is that alright? I've been having a few BNO or GNO, whatever...

 

It does feel pretty good. I just find myself feeling pretty manic when everyone has to leave and here alone.

 

Right now I am pretty sick. I have some abdominal issue and I can't really go anywhere. Thanks though.

[ARDriver01]

I think he should seriously question why he wants to stay with this woman after all she's done- as messed up as she is. quote]

 

I don't want to stay with her. I really want to forget about her. All I want right now is to feel indifferent about the whole thing.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think he should seriously question why he wants to stay with this woman after all she's done- as messed up as she is. quote]

 

I don't want to stay with her. I really want to forget about her. All I want right now is to feel indifferent about the whole thing.

 

Dont worry ADR, you'll get to thtat indifferent stage too!

 

I've been there and it is a numbing stage. That is when your getting there.

[RecordProducer]

I am so sorry for your pain, I can feel it through your post.

The first thing you need to do is stop hating her and start feeling sorry for her.

By hating her you are only being hard on yourself and bringing out the bad side of you. Say a prayer for her and ask God to help her.

Good post! You were a good husband to her and you will be a good husband to some good woman some day. Your wife, on the other hand, has demonstrated horrible relationship skills (lying, cheating, being unable to communicate) so she will not be happy for long, I guarantee you that. And if she is happy, she won't be happy about it.

 

All that hate you've been talking out? That's all love

It's not love - it's VANITY. Vanity is a very destructive monster that eats your heart and brain. If I could remove any part of my soul, it would be vanity. It serves nothing but to cause us pain.

 

Now don't you really think that you deserve better than her?

Good question.

 

Right now everything is out of your control, so don't try to control it. Doing that will only make you feel worse.

I've tried both and trying to keep control works much better. No control means giving in to your pain and drowning in misery further and further.

I spent a few hours feeling pretty stupid for saying all those awful, hateful things. She does have many demons and she is a horrible person and no one likes her except for her family. I felt pretty bad.

There is something about all these people who are unhealthy for us that makes them dump us. I think it's angels working for us! Seriously, both my husbands dumped me and while the first divorce proved to be the best thing that ever happened to me, everybody is told me "Thank God!" when i told them that my current wants to divorce me, too. So I know that sooner or later I will feel it on my skin (how lucky I am that he is dumped me). He is a commitment phobe, constantly threatened with divorce, the marriage was completely sexless, he is 18 years older than I am, we constantly fought, his family is a bunch of jerks who abused me, etc. he loves my sons though, but he can keep the relationship with them anyway. I have no control over his decsions, but I do have control over MY decisions and even my feelings. Same with you. If you decide to pity your STBX and feel grateful for getting rid of a scum like her, you will heal very fast. With my ex-H, when I realized that he definitely didn't love me or want me and that the marriage was not good for me, because I was very unhappy in it, I was able to move on.

 

Were you happy with your marriage in the past? For how long have you been married?

 

What comes after ANGER?

Whatever YOU choose to come, honey!

 

Remember not to put your own self-worth into this as I think this is what you are doing. No matter who she would have married she still would have done this.

This is a great thought and it helps me, too. No matter who my H maried or will marry, he has done, is doing, and will do the same crap. He's never been and never will be marriage material.

I don't want to stay with her. I really want to forget about her. All I want right now is to feel indifferent about the whole thing.

We all want that. Wanting is the first step, believe me. I wasted a year of my nerves wanting my ex back. When I started wanting to forget him, it happened very quickly.

 

I posted a thread "A coping strategy that works" here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1429231#post1429231

[RecordProducer]

Why don't I leave her? What is wrong with me. I'm totally miserable I can't stand my life. I'm so tired of everything and yet I stay. I don't like this. This is not stimulating. I'm looking for every way out except leaving her. Why is this?

I just saw your other thread and it sounds like you were miserable with your wife, but didn't have the courage to leave, which is understandable, because you loved her. But you did acknowledge the fact that she should be dumped.

 

You know, in both my marriages I talked and fantasized about divorce all the time. Now I realize that they left me because they thought/knew that I would have left them. They both saw I wasn't happy with them. That made them feel like losers so they decided to cut their losses. So why grieving over them? Say "Thank you" to someone who removed the misery from your life. Your love for her will fade soon, but if she never left you, you wouldn't have left her possibly, and that would have been a scary life. Don't you think?

 

OK, I just read this post and it's very disturbing:

One thing that's making me miserable is that I keep reflecting on what happened a year ago. Everytime I think about how much I love her and I'm grieving our failed relationship, that pops up with graphic images and it's like a knife in my chest. I can't even grieve properly. I'ts more like feelings of horror and discust and regret for not killing that kid.

 

That's something that burns me. I didn't do anything. I went after him at church but I was grabed by a very big Special Forces commander. (Fayetteville NC) Military town. Yeah, I never did anything to him. I could have thrown him in my trunk, drove him out to the woods and tied him to a tree naked and left him there. I mean, something. But I didn't do anything. So I feel pretty bad about that.

 

 

Had you hurt the boy, you would have been in jail now. You are not going to kill her then yourself, right? I know you said your anger was fading and I hope it doesn't come back. What concerns me is that you posted this on a public forum apparently expecting from us to understand thoughts like this and even feeling ashamed that you didn't kill the boy. If you don't value a human life, at least think of your parents, who would be broken-hearted if you end up in jail or dead.

 

Please, honey, see a therapist immediately! You need help. A doctor can help you with your anger. Your wife is screwed up and don't let her ruin your life. You wanted to leave her in the first place, remember? Regarding manhood, I don't see hurting someone as manly. I told my husband today that next time I will be looking for someone who was dumped, preferably cheated on. because then I will know that he won't dump me and the divorce was not his fault. People respect the betrayed ones, they don't respect the cheaters and liars. And violence is certainly not a solution. She is not important. She's only been in your life for a few years. Many years from now, you will be living with some great woman and this scumbag will be a distant, forgotten past. Please look at the big picture and don't do anything stupid to yourself or others. If you feel miserable, talk to your parents or friends or a therapist. You promise to be good? :)We care, so please keep posting to relieve your pain.

[chall24503]

I know what you are feeling. I have been going through a seperation a little over 3 months now.Before we seperated I started to get sick with a kidney disorder. 3 months of going back and forth to the doctors and having a biopsy has been hard. However I made it this far and taking care of our kids and this house working and being sick. He lefted with his insecurities thinking that I am a run around. However I am not. I never cheated on my husband even while we are seperated I remain very faithful to our marriage and will do until we divorce. I have ups and downs, some days I hate him and other days feel sorry for what we are putting this family through. The thing is you cant change someone's will. They are who they are and you have to move on. If they cant seek help and understand it takes two then it is their loss not yours. You need to get out of this mood and find yourself happy with yourself. You dont need her nor dwell on what she is doing with out you. It is hard, I do know this. I have cried myself silly over this marriage and have been through hell. Now that the doctors know what is wrong with me and putting me on the right meds to help me with this kidney disorder I am starting to feel better about me and my life. Things could be worst just think of it like that and move on. It is hard really hard. Just pray and reach out to God, even tho you may not think your prayers are being answered but the right ones are. And he will only put on you what you can handle. I hope things get better for you and everything turns out good. You will be in my prayers.

[whichwayisup]

Kings baby, Kings. Is that alright?

 

Yeah, that's okay...Though, I still find hockey being played in places that have no snow or any real winter is weird...LOL!