I took her for granted, now I've lost her.

[Summer_guy_uk]

Hey everyone, my first time posting.

I'm 24 my ex-gf is 22.

 

My girlfriend recently broke up with me saying that she thought we both need time to sort ourselves out and "focus on our careers."

We've been together for 23 months, 11 of which I have been unemployed due to originally stress but more recently because I've been a lazy useless ******* when it coems to job hunting.

 

Our relationship has been fantastic up until recently where her anxiety and my shortness has caused tension, we've had lots of romance, a few bad words but mostly always resolved.

 

We had a stable relationship with a few lows and lot's of highs, but not enough change in our situation to keep it exciting which I know is my own fault.

 

When we met I had my own place with a housemate but after losing my job I couldnt afford the palce so moved back in with mum.

Then at the same time my ex was having a lot of trouble with her parents so we thoguht it would be a little early but a good idea to move in with me.

 

My mum had a mental breakdown 2 weeks ago and I asked my Gf to move back with her parents until we can afford to get our own place (3-4 months) and take time to address a few issues we had.

 

She took this very badly, limited her contact with me for 2 weeks and this morning she broke up with me.

 

She told me she loves me and she still wants to be friends and see eachother a lot because I'm a big part of her life, but she said she doesn't think we'd be back together for at least a couple years.

 

I realise this is my own fault for not having any prospects or injecting enough excitement into our relationship, I know I f***ed up.

 

What I want to know is if she's just generally letting me down gently, or is their a glimmer of hope that if I get myself sorted sharpish she will see how ive changed and perhaps regret leaving me/feel love for me again?

 

She's picking up soem more stuff this friday and she asked if we could go out for a drink together, I initially accepted but this morning I texted her sayign somethings come up because it would be too painful to spend any time with her so close to the break-up.

 

I've applied to a lot of new job positions, I'm looking into re-doing my grades and A-levels and getting a drivers license and being more objective and motivated now.

 

I've spent the last year being selfish, although we've had a great sex life and we've been exchanging little love notes (leaving it in the handbag etc) and doing nice things for eachother I know I've been out of work or in part-time jobs.

 

I should have realised even though our love was strong she couldn't stay in this situation for long.

 

I know I'm probably clutching at straws but I'm going to get my life sorted out and just try and get on with my life, I wont ignore her texts but I can't be a friend like she wants or we'll just fall in the friend zone, she'll meet someone else and break my heart again.

 

I'm changing my life for me because I need to for myself, I just secretly hope she see's me change and takes another chance with me.

 

This is my first relationship in my 20's, am I going the right way about this?

[Summer_guy_uk]

For those who skip the meat of the story;

 

I took my gf of 2 years for granted.

Does anyone know of instances where if the guy changed his ways after being left, the girl likes what she see's and gives him another chance?

[curiousnycgirl]

It appears to me like you have a lot on your plate right now, and should be focussing on first things first. I agree you need to get a job, and take care of your mother.

 

By saying you are looking to improve your grades and A levels are you saying you want to go back to school? Again not a bad idea.

 

By working on all the other parts of your life that need improving, you will be fixing what is wrong with you. If the relationship is meant to be, once you are back on track, you two may get back together.

 

It sounds like you two moved too fast and a g/f or b/f moving in with someone's mother is never an ideal situation in the best of times.

 

Having said all that it is hard for me to believe that given your mother's current fragile state your g/f was so offended by your asking her to move out. That sounds a bit selfish and self absorbed to me.

 

My overall suggestion is to give everything time, work on all the other things you discuss and see where it takes you.

[BrianG]

For those who skip the meat of the story;

 

I took my gf of 2 years for granted.

Does anyone know of instances where if the guy changed his ways after being left, the girl likes what she see's and gives him another chance?

 

 

I was given a second chance after taking my ex-gf for granted. Things were going great for the first few months back together, but then I got comfortable with the relationship (which is not a bad thing) but I fell back into old patterns of behavior and she broke up with me last month after being together for 5 years. Life is short and if you find a great girl make sure you hold onto her and never take her for granted. Show that you love her every single day. There are no guarantees that if you make these changes that she will notice them and give you another chance. But, the end result will be that you have become a better person because of it. The only wisdom that i can impart on you is that change is not an easy quick fix as you may or may not think it is, its going to take time and you have to be willing and dedicated to do so. Life lesson for both you and I is to never take anyone or anything for granted because tomorrow it could be all gone and in our cases it is. Not sure if this helps but it is my experience and I hope it serves you well

[Summer_guy_uk]

Thanks for the advice curiousnycgirl, I appriciate it

 

I think she was angry because the whole week was very romantic and thoughtful, then on the friday when we were supposed to go out to dinner instead i told her about the trouble with mum and then asked her to move out.

 

She was upset that I had created the amazing week and then dealt a serious blow to her.

 

I should have just taken her to dinner and held off a few days, I f**ked up.

 

We agreed to have a break so we could figure things out, she was very angry with me now she still speaks to me kindly etc but, whatever was there for her for me before has gone as far as i can tell.

 

I miss her badly but I gotta do this for me.

 

[Summer_guy_uk]

I was given a second chance after taking my ex-gf for granted. Things were going great for the first few months back together, but then I got comfortable with the relationship (which is not a bad thing) but I fell back into old patterns of behavior and she broke up with me last month after being together for 5 years. Life is short and if you find a great girl make sure you hold onto her and never take her for granted. Show that you love her every single day. There are no guarantees that if you make these changes that she will notice them and give you another chance. But, the end result will be that you have become a better person because of it. The only wisdom that i can impart on you is that change is not an easy quick fix as you may or may not think it is, its going to take time and you have to be willing and dedicated to do so. Life lesson for both you and I is to never take anyone or anything for granted because tomorrow it could be all gone and in our cases it is. Not sure if this helps but it is my experience and I hope it serves you well

 

Thanks BrianG that's comforting to know

Although I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two

 

In this time you were sorting things out, how did you handle things?

 

Did you talk regularily and let her know your making changes or do what I'm planning to do?

I'm very interested!

[BrianG]

Thanks BrianG that's comforting to know

Although I'm sorry things didn't work out for you two

 

In this time you were sorting things out, how did you handle things?

 

Did you talk regularily and let her know your making changes or do what I'm planning to do?

I'm very interested!

 

I took the break up really hard, and even harder now that I blew my second chance. First i backed off and gave us the time to get our heads clear and not be so clouded by emotions. After a few weeks of that I called her expressed to her the positive steps I was taking to make changes. I even went to talk to her parents while she was at a wedding we were supposed to go to together and apologized to them for hurting their daugher and promised that I would spend the rest of my life making it up to her (I feel like a complete jack*ss now). We spoke later on the evening after she got back from the wedding and speaking to her parents and she agreed to take things slow.

 

The thing is it is going to take not words, but time and actions to show her and she has to be willing to give the relationship another shot for her to see if these changes are true and that is going to take time. I started by showing (not saying) on how i have changed for the better. Things were so great for 6 months or so and we moved in together and then i got comfortable and did not realize that i was falling back to the old patterns of behavior that I worked so hard in trying to correct, but i was too stubborn to recognize it when she was telling me so, which ultimately led to our demise as a couple. That is why i mentioned earlier that it is not a quick fix and something that you have to work on everyday. I truly wish you the best of luck and for your sake please heed my advice. If she gives you the opportunity and that is her choice, take things slow and let your actions speak for as to whether or not you have truly changed. I cant tell you whether or not to keep in contact with her, because ultimately it will be her decision to give you a shot. I can only suggest in giving it time to sort things out in your life and when you feel happy and content with yourself, try and contact her and see what happens. It never hurts to try

[Summer_guy_uk]

Thanks man I really apprciate it.

When she told me she wanted to break up it hit me like a train, the first day I couldn't stop crying because I couldnt beleive it I thought everything was perfect apart from the job thing, but it's only really looking into the relationship from her point of view I started to understand the problems and how stupid I had been.

This is my first relationship with someone and I've not been "dumped" since school about 8 years ago so I wasn't ready for it at all.

 

If she does offer us another chance then I'm going to do everything in my power to make things work and not fall int othe same pattern.

 

Thanks again BrianG, I really appriciate your insight

 

One more thing to anyone who will listen:

 

Xmas pressie: Something small yes or no? Or don't bother?

 

Anniversary: A bit sad but we got together officially on new years eve, I was thinking if it was appropriate maybe just a rose to let her know shes on my thoughts or again shall I just focus on sorting myself out?

[RecordProducer]

This is my first relationship in my 20's, am I going the right way about this?

Yes. Get a job, get your own place, and get a driver's license. It sounds like she loves you or she wouldn't be asking you to go out and have a drink together. I am sure she is broken-hearted that you told her something else came up. It doesn't sound like she gave you the true reason for the break-up. She told you that she can't date you for the next couple years, which means she wants to date you, but something has to change. And it all happened right after your mom asked her to leave, which means it is related to the circumstances.

 

For those who skip the meat of the story;

 

I took my gf of 2 years for granted.

Does anyone know of instances where if the guy changed his ways after being left, the girl likes what she see's and gives him another chance?

It happens all the time.

[Summer_guy_uk]

Thanks for the confidence boost RecordProducer, I'm running/working out mon-fri now and really taking care of myself plus I've had x2 decent work opportunities come my way so all I really need now is to secure the job and start working on my driving lessons and getting my own place.

 

Thanks everyone for their helpful words of encouragement, as a community you've been a great help to me a hell of a lot more than the askmen forum where every woman there told me im worthless and thankful she left me etc.

 

You guys have really helped me sort things out

[Summer_guy_uk]

My ex is coming over on friday (tommorow) to pick up a few things.

I'm unsure what to say?

 

Do I tell her I love her but I can't be with someone who doesn't want me?

Do I just say goodbye?

Do I tell her about how productive my week has been?

 

Really got no idea how to handle this is it might be the last time I see her unless I bump into her at local bars etc.

[kitkat289]

if the only reason she wants to break-up is that she needs time and space then just never make the mistake to show your feelings or do anything special for her.Remember the more you cling, the further she'll go away.

[Summer_guy_uk]

if the only reason she wants to break-up is that she needs time and space then just never make the mistake to show your feelings or do anything special for her.Remember the more you cling, the further she'll go away.

 

Thanks kitkat, all business this friday I guess!

I think I'll keep my happy demanour(?) due to my successes this week.

[Summer_guy_uk]

She'll be here in a couple hours and I'm starting to panic o.O

 

What if she really has no love for me and just picks up her stuff and leaves?

What if she tries the opposite and pities me!

 

Any last minute advice?

 

So far I've got :

1) Be my usual friendly/flirty self.

2) Be pleasent.

3) Keep it short and sweet.

4) If she asks me if I miss her/how I'm feeling, I'll say I miss her but I'm doing a lot of things in my life right now so I'm keeping busy.

5) If she comes up with something random like "do i still love her?" I'll say I do but you left me so...

 

That's the general consensus I've gotten from here and girly mates.

[bustertypsy]

Quote:My mum had a mental breakdown 2 weeks ago and I asked my Gf to move back with her parents until we can afford to get our own place (3-4 months) and take time to address a few issues we had.

 

She took this very badly, limited her contact with me for 2 weeks and this morning she broke up with me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

Hey Summer-guy,slow down,you have a hell of a lot of issues going on in your life.You sound like you are in a panic and I don't blame you,really!

You're 24 yrs old and you've been thru a lot.You are being overly self critical and treating yourself unfairly.

 

Firstly,you've had the stress of your Mother's breakdown,job, trying to find suitable accomadation,keeping your girlfriend happy.

It seems that she wasn't as supportive to you as she should have been when your mum took ill(see quote above) She seemed to be thinking of herself,then took it out on you.Now you are blaming yourself for her behaviour.Maybe you are too close to the forest to see the trees,but that's how I clearly see it.

All relationships have ups and downs,and yours is no different.You are trying to sort things out,she is running away,like a spoilt child who had her candy stolen.

I'm sure you love her.Now to find out if she really loves you,you've got to leave her be.By doing this you will wake up any feelings she has for you.

She'll come crawling back to you after her tantrums if she still loves you.

In the interim look at yourself,see how you can improve yourself in order to strenghten this or future relationships.The secret is to LEARN,LEARN, LEARN.

[Summer_guy_uk]

She's asked me out for a drink, should i?

[Summer_guy_uk]

Just an update.

We ended up going for a quick drink since it was friday, quick drink turned into two and we got chatting.

Apparently I had a few misunderstandings and she still loves me but she was genuinly impressed wit hthe changes ive made already, said it brought back memories of what I was like when we first met.

 

She says she needs space to sort herself out but still wants to see me once a week, she wants to keep contact limited because she doesn't want to fall back into the routine herself she wants to be strong again.

 

We had a bottle of wine then went back to mine, she asked if she could leave a few things here and I agreed and we set a date to see eachother next week.

 

We're now on a break, we've agreed to not see other people and just stregthen ourselves, get back to who we were before we got together and slowed things down.

 

She also said the reason for the break-up wasnt about my prospects, it was the little tiffs we used to have that made her more and more anxious and she didnt like who she was becoming.

 

She still loves me deeply but doesn't want the romance/closeness so she can get back on her own two feet.

 

We haven't put a time frame on things, but we know we both still want to be together, neither of us wants to throw away what we have.

 

So all in all, a good night!

 

I just acted myself but I was open and honest, no games.