Engaged w/ House 11yrs. I want out!!!

[Phoenix11]

Ok, here's my story...I've been engaged for 11 yrs....(wow). We bought a house together...(great). For the past 5 years it's just been the two of us...wonderful. Then this year things changed. His brother moved in with us because he was going thur a divorce and needed to sell his house...(ok, that's what family is for). His brother didn't have a job or a driver's license...40 something years old...too many dui.

 

Ok the purpose of him moving in was so he could get his life back on track and it was suppose to be short term. The problem is...we have a very comfortable house...4 bedrooms, pool, tennis court...get the idea. Well instead of the brother actively trying to find a job and fix up his house for sale...he used our home as his personal "Club Med". Now her it is 11 months later and still no job, no source of income and still no drivers license...we have to take him everywhere.

 

THIS HAS PUT A STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. Rather than focusing on "US" and what we need to do to stay on track...all of our energy and money has gone to supporting his brother.

 

Two months ago the plot thickens....my fiance's daughter was dropped on our doorsteps and mid-night by the police. Apparently she went awohl and starting doing so drugs. Her mother couldn't handle her anymore...OK..no problem...that's where her dad steps in. The problem is...he hasn't had any ongoing contact with her since she was 6 years old...she is now 17. He loves his daughter with all of his heart and soul, but unfortunately he has "no", "nada", "zero" parenting skills. She stays out all night, talks disrepectful to him, and thinks she is entitled to everything.

 

I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF HIS FAMILY DRAMA.

 

I told him after 11 years this is not where I want to be and we should split. He is in denial. He won't buy me out of the house we purchased together, he won't rent it, he won't list it for sell. He said he would rather stop paying the mortgage and let the bank foreclose on it than for us to breakup.

 

I FEEL LIKE A HOSTAGE! I can't move on with my life until he agrees to dissolve the assets we acquired together. I don't know if I have any legal remedy for this since we are not married.

 

I can't date or pursue another relationship until we come to terms. I JUST WANT OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND OF THE HOUSE. I'M TRAPPED!!!

[littlekitty]

Have you sought legal advice? I'm surprised that there isn't something legally you could do to force the sale of the assets or at least the split of them?

 

Could you move out, thus perhaps ending his denial? If you're name is on the property, it's not going to legally deny you anything just because you aren't living there anymore.

 

How clear have you made it to him that the relationship is over? Are you still sharing a bed? Having sex? The reason I ask is I wonder if you are in some way fuelling his denial?

[curiousnycgirl]

Sounds like a very overwhelming situation that would put any relationship to the test. Are you sure you really want out, or just away from all these added responsibilities? I am just asking because 11 years is a lot to throw away - especially since you've not indicated one thing really wrong with your relationship with HIM, just the surrounding circumstances.

 

His daughter has only been there 2 months - I understand how frustrating his lack of parenting skills can be, but have you tried to step in? This girl is living in your house, so while you are not the parent, you are certaily entitled to lay down some rules.

 

I just didn't get the sense from your post that you truly want to end your relationship - you just want your life, or some semblance of it, back

[Ocean-Blue]

Ok, here's my story...I've been engaged for 11 yrs....(wow). We bought a house together...(great). For the past 5 years it's just been the two of us...wonderful. Then this year things changed. His brother moved in with us because he was going thur a divorce and needed to sell his house...(ok, that's what family is for). His brother didn't have a job or a driver's license...40 something years old...too many dui.

 

Ok the purpose of him moving in was so he could get his life back on track and it was suppose to be short term. The problem is...we have a very comfortable house...4 bedrooms, pool, tennis court...get the idea. Well instead of the brother actively trying to find a job and fix up his house for sale...he used our home as his personal "Club Med". Now her it is 11 months later and still no job, no source of income and still no drivers license...we have to take him everywhere.

 

THIS HAS PUT A STRAIN ON OUR RELATIONSHIP. Rather than focusing on "US" and what we need to do to stay on track...all of our energy and money has gone to supporting his brother.

 

Two months ago the plot thickens....my fiance's daughter was dropped on our doorsteps and mid-night by the police. Apparently she went awohl and starting doing so drugs. Her mother couldn't handle her anymore...OK..no problem...that's where her dad steps in. The problem is...he hasn't had any ongoing contact with her since she was 6 years old...she is now 17. He loves his daughter with all of his heart and soul, but unfortunately he has "no", "nada", "zero" parenting skills. She stays out all night, talks disrepectful to him, and thinks she is entitled to everything.

 

I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF HIS FAMILY DRAMA.

 

I told him after 11 years this is not where I want to be and we should split. He is in denial. He won't buy me out of the house we purchased together, he won't rent it, he won't list it for sell. He said he would rather stop paying the mortgage and let the bank foreclose on it than for us to breakup.

 

I FEEL LIKE A HOSTAGE! I can't move on with my life until he agrees to dissolve the assets we acquired together. I don't know if I have any legal remedy for this since we are not married.

 

I can't date or pursue another relationship until we come to terms. I JUST WANT OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP AND OF THE HOUSE. I'M TRAPPED!!!

 

Get yourself a lawyer ASAP.

 

Certain countries recognize common law spouses...not sure if yours does. You may have legal recourse considering the amount of time you've been with this man.

 

Also, have you guys tried working the problems out? If he doesn't want to break up, perhaps he might consider asking his brother to leave and getting some help with the daughter. Do you think you two might benefit from some sort of counseling? Do you love him enough to want to make it work or are you dying to get out of this situation?

[dropdeadlegs]

Are you sure you really want out, or just away from all these added responsibilities? I am just asking because 11 years is a lot to throw away - especially since you've not indicated one thing really wrong with your relationship with HIM, just the surrounding circumstances.

I got the same vibe from your post.

 

Have you talked to your fiance about the strain his relatives are putting on your peace of mind? I agree that family should help family, but I have many limitations as to how much help I will give. If the baby needs milk or diapers, I'm there, but the baby's Mom and Dad....they only get as much help as they are worthy of receiving. They better be doing all they can to help themselves.

 

I don't understand why the brother needed to live with you in order to sell his house. Is his wife still living in the home? Driving a 40 year old man everywhere is ridiculous. How will he learn from his mistake (DUI) if he is so well pampered? I had a DUI and nobody drove me around. I drove myself, Possibly taking my freedom in my hands each time I got behind the wheel. I didn't get caught, but I don't want to live in that kind of fear again.

 

The problem with family moving in with you is that there have to be set rules and expectations at the forefront. Otherwise it almost always ends up being just like you have experienced. Family will take advantage of you quicker than anyone.

 

Tell the brother it's time to move out. Don't care where he goes, so long as he does just that. He's a grown man and can fend for himself.

 

The daughter is a tougher nut to crack. Put your foot down, demand some respect for rules and common courtesy. If she doesn't like the rules, she can find somewhere else to live, too. I swear I would do this with my own kid. In fact I have. (He left, but quickly discovered the grass isn't so green after all. He didn't return, but did discover a newfound respect for all I gave him and did for him.) If daughter dearest wants to be sassy, squish her like a bug! If he wants to tolerate that behavior, fine, but you don't have to. She is "entitled" to NOTHING and must earn the right to have a cozy roof over her head.

 

If your BF doesn't back you up on this, tough titty. You have a right to your home and belongings. He can buy you out or live with your new rules.

 

Seriously, seek legal advice about how to claim your fair share of the value and equity in the home. A consult wouldn't even cost much.

 

I know this situation isn't easy. Demand your life back or sue the pants off him.

[Phoenix11]

Hey all thanks for your responses. I am at my wits end.

 

The brother moved in with us so his house could be empty, and easier to clean and show for selling. So he moved all of his stuff into our garage and basement...ugh. Not to mention he also had an aging dog and nasty parrot too. I am a animal lover and I knew how attached he was to his pets, and given what he was going thur, I said OK to the pets. Bad move...get this...the pets have to drink bottled water because he doesn't trust our well water....water that I have delivered to my house and pay for. He sleeps until noon and drinks the rest of the afternoon away. Over the summer, he invited his friends over almost everyday to use to the pool...one weekend I wanted to sleep late and when I woke, there were like 15 people running around my backyard...wtf.

 

Well enough is enough...my bf/fiance is getting tired of this situation too. He stated that it's getting so bad that he can't stand the sight of his brother. So he is asking him to move back to his...yippie. But the damage is already done. This year has been all about the brother...we are not on top of our game financially, or relationship wise. I don't know if we can recover...

 

Get this...earlier this year we won a cruise...I felt so bad for the brother because of what he was going thur that I suggested that my bf/fiance take his brother instead of me to cheer him up....you know give him something to look forward to. Well he knew about it for months...do you think he would try to save up some money from his unemployment for the trip...not much...maybe $100 or $200...nope. This week the set sail for Belize and he laughingly said..."I'm going on the cruise broke". This only meant one thing...my s/o would have to pay for everything. It's this type of behavior that has me crazed.

 

Now the daughter...she was suppose to stay with her mother while her father was on the cruise. It was talked about for months. The day before he left...she defiantly said she wasn't going anywhere. She was going to stay in the house...just me with her alone for a week...ugh. So far she has missed school one day and there's no one around to set her straight.

 

As far as the relationship it's self...I think this explains why we have been engaged for 11 years without making the committment. I care for him...I love him...but the direction the relationship is going is not the direction I want to go. I understand he has to be there for his daughter...but I don't.

 

From talking with him, he continually states that he knows I love him so he is not willing to give up on the relationship. (denial). I don't want to turn this into something where we hate each other...but I do think our relationship has run it's course.

[Cobra_X30]

As far as the relationship it's self...I think this explains why we have been engaged for 11 years without making the committment. I care for him...I love him...but the direction the relationship is going is not the direction I want to go. I understand he has to be there for his daughter...but I don't.

 

He doesnt know this yet... but he will be much better off without you!

 

I've got to ask... You two have been together 11 years, that seems to match up with the amount of time he hasnt had much contact with his daughter. Now he has a relationship with her again... and you want to bail. Is that just a coincidence?

 

Oh and his brother is a total douchebag.

[whichwayisup]

11 years of engagement and however long you two were together before you got engaged is ALOT of history to throw away. Life is messy and after 11 years it's too bad you don't think of his brother as 'family'. I know you can't help what you feel and honestly your guy isn't doing much to really 'help' his brother, he's letting him be a lazy bum, instead of pushing him to get help, go to AA meetings, find a job or even seek some counselling. And with his daughter, well, she's his daughter - enough said. I'm sure sooner or later she would have showed up to be a part of his life (also your life).

 

If you want out, just do it. Be honest and tell him what you're feeling and why. Don't stay with him out of guilt - If you are so unhappy and don't want him, leave. If you aren't 100% sure, get some counselling for yourself to help you make that choice.

 

Good luck.

[Phoenix11]

He doesnt know this yet... but he will be much better off without you!

 

I've got to ask... You two have been together 11 years, that seems to match up with the amount of time he hasnt had much contact with his daughter. Now he has a relationship with her again... and you want to bail. Is that just a coincidence?

 

Oh and his brother is a total douchebag.

 

I am not the reason he hasn't had much contact with his daughter!!!! He went thur a nasty divorce and he and his ex-wife completely hate each other. I came into the picture after they split and the "War of the Roses" was already in full effect. They bad mouth each other to the kids and used the kids as pawns. The reason I want to as you say "bail" is multilayered. I have nothing against him wanting a relationship with his daughter...I welcome it. My issue comes in with the lack of parenting skills he has, the fact that he thinks he can buy her love and respect, and her attitude of entitlement to things we both have worked our butts off for.

 

Look at it from my perspective...his daughter has only been living with us for 3 months, he's cruising to Belize (which is more important than his daughter) with his unemployed, alcoholic, broke brother while his daughter is skipping school and staying out all night drinking beer..(she 17, not 21), and there is no parental intervention from him or the mother....

 

Not the adjective I would use regarding the brother....but agreed in theory.

[dropdeadlegs]

I say while he's off on the cruise you should pack brother up and move him out. I'd set daughter straight while there're no rebuttals from fiance, too. She can have a wonderful home, but there is a price for everything in life and none of us are entitled to much of anything. Responsibility, consideration for others, contribution to the home...these are just a few of what is required for family harmony.

 

Mommy used her as a pawn for years, and now she has sacrificed the pawn. How typical. No wonder the girl is screwed up

 

Blood is thicker than water, but there has to be some balance. take a look at some posts by RecordProducer or redfathom. Both have had marital problems largely related to too much family in their everyday lives. Family is very important, but a couple needs to stand on their own, too.

 

Where is Touche'? SHE could tell you what to do to correct this situation. She has set me straight more than once where a child's "entitlement" was concerned.

 

You're left holding some lemons, so make lemonade

[Cobra_X30]

Look at it from my perspective...his daughter has only been living with us for 3 months, he's cruising to Belize (which is more important than his daughter) with his unemployed, alcoholic, broke brother while his daughter is skipping school and staying out all night drinking beer..(she 17, not 21), and there is no parental intervention from him or the mother....

 

The timing seemed uncanny so I had to ask. I apologize if it came across as rough.

 

Here is me looking at this from your perspective.

 

Fiance has lots of mental issues. It's apparent that they wont go away, and its not your job to fix him. Yes its time to walk! He can be a loser without you just as well as he can be a loser with you.

 

All you need to do is find an effective way out. Can you just put the house up for sale?

[Phoenix11]

The timing seemed uncanny so I had to ask. I apologize if it came across as rough. :D

 

Here is me looking at this from your perspective.

 

Fiance has lots of mental issues. It's apparent that they wont go away, and its not your job to fix him. Yes its time to walk! He can be a loser without you just as well as he can be a loser with you.

 

All you need to do is find an effective way out. Can you just put the house up for sale?

 

To be able to put the house up for sale, we both have to sign a listing agreement...he won't. He flat out told me that if I don't want to try to make this relationship work...he would rather have the house foreclosed on. He is being very spikeful.

 

I can't just walk away either...that would be viewed as abandonment of a financial responsibility which would give him an advantage in a legal matter.

 

The only thing that would make him deal with our issues is if there was another man in my life. There isn't someone else! I want to resolve our issues before I move on. I want to move on. I don't want this to turn into a bitter, nasty split. I really want him to do what he needs to do for his daughter and brother if he is so inclined. I want to move on and hopefully find someone more compatible with the direction I want to take my life into. I care for him, I love him, but I'm not "In Love" with him anymore. I don't have another 11 years to give (especially not under these circumstances)

[michelangelo]

So that you can legally sell the interest in your half of the equity to whomever you want to sell it to.

 

In California and a lot of other states it is called "Partition of Real Property"

 

Google that term and you will find lots of useful tips regarding this.

 

You don't have to twist in the wind because he refuses to cooperate.

[KenzieAbsolutely]

what's a bf/fiance? is he your boyfriend or is he your fiance?

[Phoenix11]

what's a bf/fiance? is he your boyfriend or is he your fiance?

 

 

1.5 carat diamond = fiance. yes definately fiance.

 

Someone earlier replied with bf/fiance so I was just quoting. sorry for the confusion.

[Anna Comnena]

First..

 

Serious question:

Do you think and feel as though your BF loved you if he hadn't had any real contact with you in ten years??? or would you feel absolutly abandoned and pretty worthless??

 

so........................

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU SAY your bf LOVES his daughter "with all his heart and soul," but hasn't had any significant contact with the girl in 10 freaken years????????????????

 

I mean.. if it wasn't so sad and serious, that's laughable. And did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, that 17 girl's issues stem from the fact her FATHER hasn't been in her life??? Sure.. you can blame it on the mother.. but.. hey.. your wonderful BF slept with that mother and then left his 7 year old baby with her for ten years while he bought a house with tennis courts with you!

 

and you're now complaining, that the child, on drugs, shows up at your door step like some lost, screwed up, puppy...

 

Maybe his tennis court money would be better spent getting custody of his "heart and soul" daughtor he loved so much.

 

You seem not to mind inviting an loser alcoholic in to your house, but your's BF 17 year old daught.. now.. that's the last straw.

 

You do realize, if you were married.. You'd be her step MOTHER..

 

--------------------

I honestly don't understand why society as a whole is sooo screwed up when it comes to children. Ask anyone who lived through a divorce, or bf/gf mother/father break-up.. they'll tell you it was one of the most devastating events in their entire life.

------------------------------

 

Back to your issues..

Don't use the house as a reason not to break up. Trust me, no matter what jurisdiction you're in, there's a way to seperate the assets. In fact, there are accouting firms who specialize in tracking and dividing assents.

 

------------------------------------------

 

The drunk 40 year old..

Trust me on this one too, I work in a legal industry where all I do is deal with alcoholics.

 

He'll use you as long as he can for as long as you'll take it. His wife learned the hard way.. are you going to invest as much time as his wife did in him to find out the same result?

 

There is no saving people.. people save themselves.

[Phoenix11]

Serious question:

Do you think and feel as though your BF loved you if he hadn't had any real contact with you in ten years??? or would you feel absolutly abandoned and pretty worthless??

 

so........................

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU SAY your bf LOVES his daughter "with all his heart and soul," but hasn't had any significant contact with the girl in 10 freaken years????????????????

 

I mean.. if it wasn't so sad and serious, that's laughable. And did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, that 17 girl's issues stem from the fact her FATHER hasn't been in her life??? Sure.. you can blame it on the mother.. but.. hey.. your wonderful BF slept with that mother and then left his 7 year old baby with her for ten years while he bought a house with tennis courts with you!

 

and you're now complaining, that the child, on drugs, shows up at your door step like some lost, screwed up, puppy...

 

Maybe his tennis court money would be better spent getting custody of his "heart and soul" daughtor he loved so much.

 

You seem not to mind inviting an loser alcoholic in to your house, but your's BF 17 year old daught.. now.. that's the last straw.

 

You do realize, if you were married.. You'd be her step MOTHER..

 

I stand by my statement that my finace "loves his daughter with all his heart and soul." Not having signficant contact with her in the past 11 years was not his choice. His ex-wife kept his daughter away from him. She did not adhere to any type of visitation agreement. He continued to try to have a relationship with his daughter but encountered roadblocks every step of the way. How many times do you have to get your heart broken, before you realize you are fighting a losing battle.

 

Your statement that he slept with the mother and left his baby is so unfair. I never stated this is what happened. He was married, and his wife left him and filed for divorce. He as devastated to the point of a nervous breakdown. His wife packed up the kids and left the home. He lost his family. He could not make her stay if she wanted to leave.

 

Regarding spending his money on buy a house with a tennis court with me....oh please. If you truely work in the legal profession, then you would know that the courts will almost always rule in the mother's favor. Yes he could have spent a great deal of time and money fighting in the courts, but that would have gotten him exactly where he is today...and alot poorer for his effort. He got divorced and is entitled to pursue his own happiness (as we all are). If that means buying a house with a tennis court or a one room shack...it's not a crime and does not represents any less love he has for his kids.

 

I acknowledge the daugher has issues (no one knows the cause, and it's not fair to blame one person more than the other). I don't have a problem with her living with us. I do take issue with the fact that she was dropped on my doorstep and left to run a muck. There is no parenting or intervention from either the father or mother.

 

Which brings me back to my original premise. He has family problems. Why do I have to assume them as my own? I am more than willing to step aside so he can address his daughters issues and brother's, if he is so inclined.

[hotgurl]

Serious question:

Do you think and feel as though your BF loved you if he hadn't had any real contact with you in ten years??? or would you feel absolutly abandoned and pretty worthless??

 

so........................

HOW IN THE WORLD CAN YOU SAY your bf LOVES his daughter "with all his heart and soul," but hasn't had any significant contact with the girl in 10 freaken years????????????????

 

I mean.. if it wasn't so sad and serious, that's laughable. And did you ever consider that maybe, just maybe, that 17 girl's issues stem from the fact her FATHER hasn't been in her life??? Sure.. you can blame it on the mother.. but.. hey.. your wonderful BF slept with that mother and then left his 7 year old baby with her for ten years while he bought a house with tennis courts with you!

 

and you're now complaining, that the child, on drugs, shows up at your door step like some lost, screwed up, puppy...

 

Maybe his tennis court money would be better spent getting custody of his "heart and soul" daughtor he loved so much.

 

You seem not to mind inviting an loser alcoholic in to your house, but your's BF 17 year old daught.. now.. that's the last straw.

 

You do realize, if you were married.. You'd be her step MOTHER..

 

I stand by my statement that my finace "loves his daughter with all his heart and soul." Not having signficant contact with her in the past 11 years was not his choice. His ex-wife kept his daughter away from him. She did not adhere to any type of visitation agreement. He continued to try to have a relationship with his daughter but encountered roadblocks every step of the way. How many times do you have to get your heart broken, before you realize you are fighting a losing battle.

 

Your statement that he slept with the mother and left his baby is so unfair. I never stated this is what happened. He was married, and his wife left him and filed for divorce. He as devastated to the point of a nervous breakdown. His wife packed up the kids and left the home. He lost his family. He could not make her stay if she wanted to leave.

 

Regarding spending his money on buy a house with a tennis court with me....oh please. If you truely work in the legal profession, then you would know that the courts will almost always rule in the mother's favor. Yes he could have spent a great deal of time and money fighting in the courts, but that would have gotten him exactly where he is today...and alot poorer for his effort. He got divorced and is entitled to pursue his own happiness (as we all are). If that means buying a house with a tennis court or a one room shack...it's not a crime and does not represents any less love he has for his kids.

 

I acknowledge the daugher has issues (no one knows the cause, and it's not fair to blame one person more than the other). I don't have a problem with her living with us. I do take issue with the fact that she was dropped on my doorstep and left to run a muck. There is no parenting or intervention from either the father or mother.

 

Which brings me back to my original premise. He has family problems. Why do I have to assume them as my own? I am more than willing to step aside so he can address his daughters issues and brother's, if he is so inclined.

 

I call BS on this you always have a choice. He made a choice to not fight to be in his daughter's life. Court do rule in favor of a mother often but they never never cut of a parent unless that parent is unfit. He would always get some sort of visitation. He choose not to use it or pursure it.

 

And to a child using the courts as an excuse or that it was too hard is just crap. The child is still abandoned. It is the adults responsibility to step up as a parent regardelss of how difficult it may be.

 

ok rant over.

 

As for the house I would talk to a lawyer he can not legally hold you hostage you have rights. Did you guys have a contract drawn up prior to the purchase of your home?

[Phoenix11]

Ok...so he didn't go to court and fight for visitation.

 

My question is why do parents always seem to create this situation in the first place when it comes to the kids. If the mother would have complied with the visitation agreement we would not be having this discussion.

 

Why is he so bad because he did not chose to go to court, and why is the mother not held responsible for keeping the kids away from their father?

 

She should be attacked just as much as him, but there seems to be some male bias where this topic is concerned and it's unfair!

[whichwayisup]

Well, now his daughter is there. Problem solved...Does it really matter now, which parent didn't do this and that??? Deal with the NOW, not the past. Pointing fingers on which parent didn't do their job properly is a mute point as it doesn't matter anymore..

 

You do know you could be a great influence on his daughter? Not as the step-mom, but as a friend, someone she can count on, respect and feel safe with.

 

If you love this guy and want to save your relationship, go to counselling together. If you aren't sure what you want, TELL HIM as he has a right to know. If you want out, end it NOW, for both of your sakes.

[EnigmaXOXO]

There isn’t much these days that scares me or makes me drop my jaw. But I have to admit Pheonix, you’re story raised the hair on my arms. I’ve never believed in the concept of being “stuck” ... as that’s usually just a state of mind. But if could ever imagine a worst case scenario where someone might actually find themselves painted into the proverbial corner ... you just provided it for me.

 

I was RELIEVED when I read Michelangelo’s post. Never heard of a "Partition of Real Property" and spent some time looking it up myself. (Clocks self in forehead for not knowing about this one)

 

At least you have some kind of backdoor option left open to you in the event your fiancé refuses to compromise or allow you to withdraw from your obligation to him (and now his entire family) who you are now basically being strong-armed into becoming financially responsible for. I’m sure when you agreed to purchase a house with him, you never imagined you’d be sharing it with so many other people.

 

If it were me, I’d insist that my fiancé find someone else in his family to take in the freeloading 40-year-old party boy if he’s unwilling to take care of himself. I’d allow the daughter to remain for so long as she was willing to abide by your house rules and get the help that she needs with her problem. I agree, that all three of you could probably benefit with some counseling to help you along.

 

Meanwhile, this is too much, and SOMEONE has to go ... and if your fiancé and his family refuses to negotiate one way or the other, and he holds your half of the equity hostage, I’d sell my key to the house to the highest bidder as my final “Screw you and your whole crazy family” parting gesture.

[hotgurl]

Ok...so he didn't go to court and fight for visitation.

 

My question is why do parents always seem to create this situation in the first place when it comes to the kids. If the mother would have complied with the visitation agreement we would not be having this discussion.

 

Why is he so bad because he did not chose to go to court, and why is the mother not held responsible for keeping the kids away from their father?

 

She should be attacked just as much as him, but there seems to be some male bias where this topic is concerned and it's unfair!

 

Of course the mother should be responsible for withholding the kids. But if the guy put a little efoort into it he would have seen his kids. He didn't instead he choose to abandon his child.

 

There is no male bias I would say the same exact thing if a mother choose to abandon her kids. Becuase that was the easier choice than fighting to see them. It is selfish to to child and incredible deplorable thing to do. Lots of relationships end very badly it doesn't mean you you can't try to work visitation out.

 

Also not all the time are people completly honest. I know for a fact my ex tells everyone how I am withholding his daughter from him. It is not true I never once stopped a visitation he just didn't feel like going to see his daughter and instead of adimitting that it is easier to say I am difficult and keeping his daughter from him.

 

This is totally off topic but This situation and the lame lame excuses make me really angry. there is never an excuse good enough to abandon your child.

 

Frankly I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who would do that.

 

As for you Did you talk to a lawyer? Did you guys write up a contract for a house? Is there common law marriage in your state? Are you sure you absolutly want out of the relationship? If so I would consult an attorney there are ways to force his hand to sell.

[Phoenix11]

I think alot of responders are interjecting there own experiences into this topic. Never once did I state he abandoned his child. I am sorry if I gave you all this impression. He loves his daughter and constantly attempted to have a normal relationship with her. You all seem to think the ultimate act of fatherhood is to go to court and fight. It takes up a lot of time and money, none of which is plentiful when you have to work around the clock to support yourself and pay child support to a mother who doesn't work.

 

His approach is that of time. His kids know who their father is and will/have make the choice of developing a relationship with him when they are old enough without their mother's interference.

 

I'm not saying he is winning any "Father of the Year" awards, but he is not the deadbeat dad some have portrayed him as.

[hotgurl]

so the question remains what are you going to do about the house?

[RecordProducer]

And to a child using the courts as an excuse or that it was too hard is just crap. The child is still abandoned. It is the adults responsibility to step up as a parent regardelss of how difficult it may be.

Exactly!

Ok...so he didn't go to court and fight for visitation.

... which means he didn't care.

 

My question is why do parents always seem to create this situation in the first place when it comes to the kids. If the mother would have complied with the visitation agreement we would not be having this discussion.

You mean, if the mother made it easy for him, he would have complied, but since she didn't, it was not worth fighting. Our point is that your fiancé didn't act responsible and nothing on earth will convince us that he had no choice. We all know what children, custody and courts are. You are not telling us something that we haven't heard of before.

 

Why is he so bad because he did not chose to go to court, and why is the mother not held responsible for keeping the kids away from their father?

He is bad, because it was his own child and he didn't care enough. She IS responsible, but what about it? Drug dealers are responsible for dealing drugs, but I feel it's MY responsibility (BECAUSE IT IS IN MY POWER!!!!!) to teach my kids to avoid drugs. The ex-wife was bad, but it was in his power to fight to see his kid. And he didn't give a rat's ass.

 

You all seem to think the ultimate act of fatherhood is to go to court and fight. It takes up a lot of time and money

It doesn't take too much time to go to court and as someone suggested, he had the money to buy a house with a tennis court - instead of paying an attorney to see his daughter. This is why it's relevant, because you mention money as a reason. A responsible parent would go into debt to save his relationship with his child! But it seems like you never wanted to have anything to do with his daughter so you're defending him. My first marriage fell apart because my ex had a daughter from a first marriage who was little and lived with us. But the fact is if you're engaged or married, his children are your responsibility too - at least partially. The house is half yours and half his - it means it's his daughter's too. She has a right to live there just as much as you have. But not his brother.

 

His approach is that of time. His kids know who their father is and will/have make the choice of developing a relationship with him when they are old enough without their mother's interference.

... old enough to not need him anymore.

 

Eleven years of engagement sounds like neither of you is marriage material. He confirmed that by not taking care of his daughter and you confirmed it by not taking care of his daughter. You can't stay with her for one week in the house? What did she do to you? This attitude "I owe nothing to anybody" is the anti-relationship attitude that makes people end up alone.