Engaged w/ House 11yrs. I want out!!!

[Phoenix11]

If the OP is alone in her own house with a minor who is boozing it up, and she knows about it, she is contributing to the delinquency of a minor. If there were to be an injury or worse, she would be at risk for legal problems.

 

So intervening is in her own best interests.

 

 

I am aware of the potential risk here...that is the very reason I suggested that the daughter go back to the mother's home while the father was away this week. I can not for the life of me understand why the two them would feel it's ok for her to stay with me alone for a week knowing the problems she has. I am extremely uncomfortable with this situation.

 

I don't know what's going on in the mothers house, but the daughter down right refused to stay there anymore. She also refuses to stay at the grandparents house. Either one of these senerios would offer more official guidance than being here with me.

 

The school called twice this week...once to advise that she missed school on Monday, and a second time to advise she is currently failing a class. There is absolutely nothing I can do, except hide the booz or drink it all myself...lol

 

There is no one watching the store....I am not the store keeper...

[Phoenix11]

KenzieAbsolutely, I think the Phoenix11 understands that. She actually stated the same thing in her first post.

 

I do not know about you, but I am not going to fix another person. If he has issues with his family, those are his problems. If he cannot handle his kid, that's his problem as well. Phoenix11 is not a mother of the child and does not want to pretend to be one. What's wrong with that? Moreover, the child is 17 years old. Why she is supposed to assume responsibility for the child? Just because she loves the kid's father does not make her responsible for the child.

 

 

For you...:D:D:D....

[KenzieAbsolutely]

KenzieAbsolutely, I think the Phoenix11 understands that. She actually stated the same thing in her first post.

 

I do not know about you, but I am not going to fix another person. If he has issues with his family, those are his problems. If he cannot handle his kid, that's his problem as well. Phoenix11 is not a mother of the child and does not want to pretend to be one. What's wrong with that? Moreover, the child is 17 years old. Why she is supposed to assume responsibility for the child? Just because she loves the kid's father does not make her responsible for the child.

 

i didn't imply any of the things you just talked about, but okay. some of it i agree with, other parts i don't, especially regarding what responsibilities you assume when marrying someone with an already-existing family. i think i posted that there is only so much she can do, given her reluctance to assume any responsibility whatsoever, but there's no point in reiterating. i do respect your opinion, nonetheless.

[michelangelo]

I am aware of the potential risk here...that is the very reason I suggested that the daughter go back to the mother's home while the father was away this week. I can not for the life of me understand why the two them would feel it's ok for her to stay with me alone for a week knowing the problems she has. I am extremely uncomfortable with this situation.

 

I don't know what's going on in the mothers house, but the daughter down right refused to stay there anymore. She also refuses to stay at the grandparents house. Either one of these senerios would offer more official guidance than being here with me.

 

The school called twice this week...once to advise that she missed school on Monday, and a second time to advise she is currently failing a class. There is absolutely nothing I can do, except hide the booz or drink it all myself...lol

 

There is no one watching the store....I am not the store keeper...

 

Um, did you give your boyfriend/fiancee the impression that you'd look after the kid when he lefton this trip or did you let him know from the gitgo that you were not doing that?

 

If you said you'd look after her, you are responsible for that kid during his absence.

 

If you did not agree to anything, then why is she there?

[Phoenix11]

Um, did you give your boyfriend/fiancee the impression that you'd look after the kid when he lefton this trip or did you let him know from the gitgo that you were not doing that?

 

If you said you'd look after her, you are responsible for that kid during his absence.

 

If you did not agree to anything, then why is she there?

 

I told him in no uncertain terms that I did not want to be responsible for her while he was away. He was suppose to make arrangements with the mother to stay at her house. The daughter flat out refused to go. She was defiant. His parting words to me were "I spoke to my daughter and she promised to be on her best behavior and you will not be responsible for anything that may happen" Sounds like he knew there could be trouble. Anyway, as he was getting on the plane he was still trying to get the mother to pick her up for the week. So high powered negotiation was going on.

 

Now he's at sea and the mother is who knows where, and the daughter and I are just passing by each other in the kitchen and hallways:(

[KenzieAbsolutely]

His parting words to me were "I spoke to my daughter and she promised to be on her best behavior and you will not be responsible for anything that may happen"

 

how can he say that? he can't guarantee that. she's a minor, and you're in the same house together. even if you are refusing to accept responsibility, it doesn't mean you can't be held responsible by higher authorities. it's all under that "adults should know better" laws deal.

 

you think i've just been picking on you, but i really do think you'd be better off without this guy and his family. your husband obviously has no clue how to be a parent, because he never had to be one, and you have no interest in being a parent. he takes off and leaves you to deal with the aftermath. that's unfair to you, not to mention it's way, way more unfair to the daughter who has no one who wants to deal with her, much care about her.

[RecordProducer]

Actually... I am sorry that it appeared like I was attacking you. I'll explain my point more constructively. Lately, I apologize to people on here all the time cuz I act crabby. I am in a horrible emotional state, cuz my second husband is dumping me after two years of marriage. With all these husbands dumping me after a short period, you'd say I am ugly, old, and stupid - and it's rather the other way round - they don't deserve a woman like me. So that was my apology.

 

Anyway, my point was: your Bf acted like a horrible parent and you admitted that earlier. It's taking a toll now and you have to pay for it, too if you live with him. Unfortunately, such is life: if you are engaged or married to someone who has children, you must put up with them. I couldn't put up with my step-daughter and my ex chose her, which was a good choice, because he could divorce me, but he couldn't divorce his daughter.

 

You are correct in your thinking that you should get out of the relationship if you don't want to deal with the daughter. She does have a right to live with her father. This is his house too and she is legally permitted to live there. You can't kick her out LEGALLY. Who inherits his share is irrelevant. I can leave everything to the Church, but my sons have a right to live with me for as long as they are minors.

 

My father has a 14-year old son with a woman with whom he never lived, but they were married for a short time. When the boy was a baby, she made sure that every time my father visited him, she chewed off his head. My father had the obligation to see his son and he felt it merely as an obligation. Every visitation was a nightmare: screaming, insulting, calling him names, lying (e.g. "You didn't buy milk for the baby" when he did), asking for more money, etc. My father pays child support as ordered by the court, which is 30% of his salary. You would think that when he started taking the child to his house, things would improve, but they didn't. The harassment continued in a form of "He must eat this or that at 2 PM' and "Check if he is sweating every half an hour." I mean, she would attend his violin classes and feed him with potato chips during the lesson! That crazy she is. My father would show up when it's time to take the kid, according to the decree of the center of social work, and she wouldn't open the door. But she would call him a few days later to pick up the child. It's been a nightmare for my dad for over 14 years. Anyhoo, why am I telling you this? Because my father, despite of all the crap that she feeds him, recognizes his responsibility to see the child regularly. The boy is super-smart and academically very successful (he was one of three kids who won scholarship for a private high school in Macedonia), but lacks social skills completely, which doesn't help in creating a relationship with him.

 

Nonetheless, my dad does what he is supposed to do and visits the center of social work regularly because of these issues. They told him that he could put her in jail if she doesn't let him see the child. He comes at the scheduled time to take the kid and she calls the police on him. My father is a very non-violent person and the police was on his side. But my point is with all these problems, with him admitting that this child was a huge mistake, with his lack of deep feelings for his son, he stills fights for him, because it's the right thing to do. He's been living a nightmare because of this woman that he never even truly loved, but he still feels his obligation to provide a father for his son.

 

Now that she saw that my dad isn't thrilled about seeing his son, she rubs it in his face. What she really did was screwed up the boy who needed a father. She taught him to protect her, to lie to his father, to not feel close to him. She scarred him for life, but she can't see it because she is a bitch. My other point is: I do understand how weak fathers can lose interest in their children when the mothers make it difficult for them to communicate with the kids. But still, they can do their best, like my father did. And your fiancé didn't do anything about it, so I can't give him any credit for that. He acted like an ass. This is a human being that needed a father. She ended up screwed up because she missed a father. But you were in a relationship with him all these years and you could have influenced him to visit his daughter. But you watched your own interest instead, you didn't want kids around, so don't be surprised that you have problems now.

 

I figure he has more children than this girl, which you didn't mention - as if they are not important. But they are important. I am a mother of two and I can't believe that children can be unimportant to their parents. The daughter was 6 when he split with her mother, right? Didn't he establish a loving relationship with her during her first six years?

 

See, what disgusts people here is that he acted like a lousy father. Nobody who cares about integrity and love should want this man. Do you want children? What if you married him and you had a child? Would you want this man to be the father of your child? I know I wouldn't. I know everyone who posted here wouldn't. Yes, we react to kids' stuff, because we have kids and we feel strongly about them. It hurts us to see parents who don't give a rat's ass about their kids, while their kids are suffering and turning into drug addicts. Just because you mentioned it in the fly doesn't mean we should comment it in the fly. We comment what we see as a huge problem, which might not equate what YOU see as a problem. We objectify your subjective perceptions.

 

My final point: if you don't want to deal with the girl, don't. You have a right to choose that. But don't try to kick his daughter out of his life. If you want to stay with him, find ways to handle her. You might seek professional help, but I don't see that you or your fiancé care enough to struggle with her. She came to your house and you hosted her with a cold shower and lack of interest in her benefit. She is not going to change until she sees that somebody cares. And nobody seems to care. When you live with somebody who has children, his children are ultimately your responsibility too. If you don't want it, be prepared to end the relationship, which you claim you are, but I am not so sure.

[RecordProducer]

"I spoke to my daughter and she promised to be on her best behavior and you will not be responsible for anything that may happen" Sounds like he knew there could be trouble. Anyway, as he was getting on the plane he was still trying to get the mother to pick her up for the week. So high powered negotiation was going on.

 

Now he's at sea and the mother is who knows where, and the daughter and I are just passing by each other in the kitchen and hallways:(

I can't believe he actually went on this trip. He is so f*cking irresponsible!

[Phoenix11]

Actually... I am sorry that it appeared like I was attacking you. I'll explain my point more constructively. Lately, I apologize to people on here all the time cuz I act crabby. I am in a horrible emotional state, cuz my second husband is dumping me after two years of marriage. With all these husbands dumping me after a short period, you'd say I am ugly, old, and stupid - and it's rather the other way round - they don't deserve a woman like me. So that was my apology.

 

RecordProducer, Thank you for the above, as I did feel attacked. I do appreciate you taking the time to express your point of view in greater detail. I am sorry to hear you are going thur a difficult time in your life as well.

[whichwayisup]

I know he has put you in an awful situation, so please, do your best to make the best of it. GET TO KNOW his daughter! Spend some time with her, she isn't a disease, she's a teen! I'm sure she isn't exactly happy with the arrangements either, her dad dumping her and running off, a mom who doesn't want her around - Imagine how she's feeling inside.

You are the adult here, unfortunately due to the circumstances you are responsible. If she gets into an accident, or if she is sick, you're the one who is going to have to help her, take her to the hospital (worst case senario)...

 

Take her out to lunch, maybe build abit of a friendship with her, have fun, go to a movie or rent some DVD's.

[Anna Comnena]

I do work in the legal profession and although mothers do get custody with father visitation, men who are willing to fight for visitation, ultimately get it..

 

[sIZE=3]Yes, men typically don't get full custody, but they do get plenty of visitation even if they fail to pay child support. Sadly, courts will even give mentally and phsysically abusive men visitation...Your in denial.. making up excuses for him.[/sIZE]

 

and.. married.. not married.. HE still picked to sleep with and have kids with.... That was a conscious choice.

 

MORE TIMES THEN NOT, the father isn't interested enough to be bothered to fight for visitation.. so if MOM doesn't plop the kid off everyday, they really don't bother. Guess your man rather play tennis.

 

Besides, were you really willing to take charge and mother the kid had she given her up.

[Anna Comnena]

Ok...so he didn't go to court and fight for visitation.

 

My question is why do parents always seem to create this situation in the first place when it comes to the kids. If the mother would have complied with the visitation agreement we would not be having this discussion.

 

Why is he so bad because he did not chose to go to court, and why is the mother not held responsible for keeping the kids away from their father?

 

She should be attacked just as much as him, but there seems to be some male bias where this topic is concerned and it's unfair!

 

 

The mother should be attacked as much as the father.. but you're not defending the mother.. and you chose to sleep with the father..

 

You are a party to this... partly responsible.

 

Ask yourself why the wife was soooo bitter if the husband was such a great guy / husband!!

[Anna Comnena]

how can he say that? he can't guarantee that. she's a minor, and you're in the same house together. even if you are refusing to accept responsibility, it doesn't mean you can't be held responsible by higher authorities. it's all under that "adults should know better" laws deal.

 

you think i've just been picking on you, but i really do think you'd be better off without this guy and his family. your husband obviously has no clue how to be a parent, because he never had to be one, and you have no interest in being a parent. he takes off and leaves you to deal with the aftermath. that's unfair to you, not to mention it's way, way more unfair to the daughter who has no one who wants to deal with her, much care about her.

 

 

I don't think this guy doesnt have any clue how to be a parent..

I honestly think the b/f is acting out of guilt.. Guilt for not being there the past decade.

 

Very very very very common with divorce situations, where the father moves on with his life and left his child behind...

 

Huge reason why kids are so out of control.

[Phoenix11]

The mother should be attacked as much as the father.. but you're not defending the mother.. and you chose to sleep with the father..

 

You are a party to this... partly responsible.

 

Ask yourself why the wife was soooo bitter if the husband was such a great guy / husband!!

 

What the heck are you talking about? Do you really know what this post is about?

 

There seems to be alot of men haters on this board. Sorry I'm not one of them. I am in a relationship with a guy who is not perfect, but does have a BIG heart. Some posters here are just hell bent on bashing him. (probably because of their own bad experiences) My delima is what to do about my current living situation with his family.....period! I am not married, I do not have any kids, I don't not want to be a psuedo parent to someone elses kids, and my only responsibility is to myself! Thank you all for your input, but I have come to my own conclusion on how to handle this.

 

It's been interesting to read everyones point of view.

[whichwayisup]

I know he has put you in an awful situation, so please, do your best to make the best of it. GET TO KNOW his daughter! Spend some time with her, she isn't a disease, she's a teen! I'm sure she isn't exactly happy with the arrangements either, her dad dumping her and running off, a mom who doesn't want her around - Imagine how she's feeling inside.

You are the adult here, unfortunately due to the circumstances you are responsible. If she gets into an accident, or if she is sick, you're the one who is going to have to help her, take her to the hospital (worst case senario)...

 

Take her out to lunch, maybe build abit of a friendship with her, have fun, go to a movie or rent some DVD's.

 

Thoughts?

 

I don't not want to be a psuedo parent to someone elses kids, and my only responsibility is to myself! Thank you all for your input, but I have come to my own conclusion on how to handle this.

 

Because of this, you should end it when he comes back. I mean, he has a daughter, sure she wasn't and hasn't been a big part of his life, but now she IS in the picture, so if you can't handle being a step-parent, or even a 'friend' to his daughter, someone whom she can confide in, look up, respect and have on her side, then definately end it asap for everyones sake.

[Phoenix11]

Thoughts?

 

 

 

Because of this, you should end it when he comes back. I mean, he has a daughter, sure she wasn't and hasn't been a big part of his life, but now she IS in the picture, so if you can't handle being a step-parent, or even a 'friend' to his daughter, someone whom she can confide in, look up, respect and have on her side, then definately end it asap for everyones sake.

 

 

Totally agree. The daughter is not the only issue here, as I stated before...there's the brother too. This issue is multilayered and can not be addressed affectively on this board, but thank you for your response.

[whichwayisup]

What if he were to talk to his brother and get him help, and out of the house? Would that change how you feel about staying in the relationship? Or, has too much happened and you just want out. Just seems like alot of history to throw away...

 

Good luck though, I hope things work out either way.

[Touche]

I don't agree with your saying the situation is totally unacceptable. It IS acceptable because you have accepted it. You're being way too passive and letting all of this happen to you.

 

Number one, the brother. I would have given him a deadline to get out. Number two, the daughter. I agree with some of the others that you should try to forge a relationship with her. But I also agree that it was completely wrong that she was "dumped" in your lap. She has two very bad parents. I would have called the mother and told her that she needs to come get her child. Either that or I would have told your b/f that he can't leave without making arrangements for his daughter.

 

Also, I find it REALLY weird that you didn't go on that cruise with him...really weird. But that's just me.

 

All of these things tell me that you're allowing yourself to be a victim. TAKE CONTROL here and stop wringing your hands. This is YOUR house too.

 

And I'm sorry but he really does sound like a lousy dad. Trust me, his actions don't mimic those of a good father. Also, if he wasn't taking YOU on that cruise then maybe he should have taken his long lost daughter?

 

I wish you the best of luck with this. It's in your hands. And I hope you didn't think I was too harsh..just trying to help.

 

(And thanks, DDL. I know I've been harsh with you a time or two. I mean well.)

[Phoenix11]

I don't agree with your saying the situation is totally unacceptable. It IS acceptable because you have accepted it. You're being way too passive and letting all of this happen to you.

 

Number one, the brother. I would have given him a deadline to get out. Number two, the daughter. I agree with some of the others that you should try to forge a relationship with her. But I also agree that it was completely wrong that she was "dumped" in your lap. She has two very bad parents. I would have called the mother and told her that she needs to come get her child. Either that or I would have told your b/f that he can't leave without making arrangements for his daughter.

 

Also, I find it REALLY weird that you didn't go on that cruise with him...really weird. But that's just me.

 

Not so weird that I didn't go on this cruise. Over the past year we've been on 4 cruises together. I was not so anxious to set sail again. When we won this earlier this year, at the time I thought it would be a good idea for him to take his brother as a way of cheering him up because he was depressed about going thur his divorce, selling his house and not having a job. I thought it would give him something positive to look forward to.

 

All of these things tell me that you're allowing yourself to be a victim. TAKE CONTROL here and stop wringing your hands. This is YOUR house too.

 

And I'm sorry but he really does sound like a lousy dad. Trust me, his actions don't mimic those of a good father. Also, if he wasn't taking YOU on that cruise then maybe he should have taken his long lost daughter?

 

Before his daughter moved in with us, the cruise was already booked with his brother. Besides, he didn't think it was such a good idea anyway to take her out of school for a week just to go on a cruise. BTW...she isn't "his long lost daughter" She lived in very close proximity to us with her mother. He has had contact with her, but just not as much as he probably should or would have like to.

[Touche]

Ok, so you don't think it's weird that he's taking the alcoholic brother who is mooching off of you and keeping his fiancee/g/f up with his partying on a cruise? Okayyyyy.

 

He could have changed the passenger to include his daughter whom you acknowledge he hasn't spent as much time as he would have liked.

 

Why are you defending the guy? He won't even cooperate with you on the house matter? He sure doesn't sound like much of a catch to be honest with you.

 

I found it interesting what you chose to respond to and what you chose to ignore. Very interesting.

 

Things will not change unless you make changes. I'm not sure I drove that point home though.

 

Oh welllll....good luck!

[KenzieAbsolutely]

 

I found it interesting what you chose to respond to and what you chose to ignore. Very interesting.

 

agreed....................

[RecordProducer]

RecordProducer, Thank you for the above, as I did feel attacked. I do appreciate you taking the time to express your point of view in greater detail. I am sorry to hear you are going thur a difficult time in your life as well.

Thanks. Again, I apologize.

 

she isn't a disease, she's a teen!

...which is worse than a disease.

[Virgo1982]

I am not the reason he hasn't had much contact with his daughter!!!! He went thur a nasty divorce and he and his ex-wife completely hate each other. I came into the picture after they split and the "War of the Roses" was already in full effect. They bad mouth each other to the kids and used the kids as pawns. The reason I want to as you say "bail" is multilayered. I have nothing against him wanting a relationship with his daughter...I welcome it. My issue comes in with the lack of parenting skills he has, the fact that he thinks he can buy her love and respect, and her attitude of entitlement to things we both have worked our butts off for.

 

Look at it from my perspective...his daughter has only been living with us for 3 months, he's cruising to Belize (which is more important than his daughter) with his unemployed, alcoholic, broke brother while his daughter is skipping school and staying out all night drinking beer..(she 17, not 21), and there is no parental intervention from him or the mother....

 

Not the adjective I would use regarding the brother....but agreed in theory.

 

But you did suggest he take his brother, didn't you? Because you want him out of your face? Be honest, what is making you jet after 11 yrs? What could he do to change your mind? Why have you two delayed M? I don't feel like I'm getting all the facts here.

 

As for the daughter, that will be a looooong process for him. Picturing her mother's character means your BF will have a lot of "erasing" to do. Also, if she sees the Uncle getting by like that, there's no reason for her to respect him either. Could that be your problem? Do you feel like he lacks self-respect, back-bone and confidence?

 

Men and women find those qualities attractive in a mate. As you said, you two worked as a team to obtain what you have. So, maybe these feelings are at the root of your resentment. Maybe you feel that he is allowing people to come in and take advantage of both of you without putting his foot down and that speaks volumes about his character and makes you feel used at the same time.

[Phoenix11]

But you did suggest he take his brother, didn't you? Because you want him out of your face? Be honest, what is making you jet after 11 yrs? What could he do to change your mind? Why have you two delayed M? I don't feel like I'm getting all the facts here.

 

Yes, I did suggest he take his brother. Mostly because early on when first lived with us, I saw how depressed he was. I really thought it would give him something to look forward to and be a catalyst for him to get his life back on track. This was early on when he first moved in. I had no idea that he would take advantage of us the way he has. Sleeping to noon, drinking two 12 packs of beer a day, and the attitude that that's what his brother (family) is for. To take care of him, instead of him taking care of himself. Had I known about this ahead of time, I would not have agreed to let him stay with us, and definately no given up my seat on the cruise to him.

 

As for the daughter, that will be a looooong process for him. Picturing her mother's character means your BF will have a lot of "erasing" to do. Also, if she sees the Uncle getting by like that, there's no reason for her to respect him either. Could that be your problem? Do you feel like he lacks self-respect, back-bone and confidence?

 

The thing here, is that the uncle is the only person she respects in our household. They hang out together all the time. They speak the same language.."F" bomb this and "F" bomb that. I think their bond developed because he doesn't work and has all the time in the world to spend with her. He is not a role model....he is the one that allows her to drink beer when we are not home....justifing, she's going to do it anyway...she might as well do it home where it's safer. He laughs because she had 10 beers and got drunk under his watch. She is upset because we are working up to asking him to leave.

 

Men and women find those qualities attractive in a mate. As you said, you two worked as a team to obtain what you have. So, maybe these feelings are at the root of your resentment. Maybe you feel that he is allowing people to come in and take advantage of both of you without putting his foot down and that speaks volumes about his character and makes you feel used at the same time.

 

Exactly! I feel my only purpose in this relationship is to help him support his family. All relationships require attention to keep them viable so they can thrive. Our relationship has suffered because of his family using us so they can have a pampered life. Maybe we enabled this in the beginning, not knowing that we would be taken advantage of like this. Be that as it may...now we find ourselves in a postion of supporting deliquencies on various levels, and it is tougher to correct because it has gone on for so long. My question to myself is do I have it in me to stick around and make things right or should I go because the damage to the relationship is unrepairable.

[whichwayisup]

My question to myself is do I have it in me to stick around and make things right or should I go because the damage to the relationship is unrepairable.

 

It depends if you really love him and think he's worth fighting for. Is what you two have together worth working through all the issues, seeking some counselling, putting yourselves in eachothers shoes and really trying your best to see if things will get better and work out? I mean, if his daughter and his brother weren't in the picture right now, (be honest) how would your relationship be right now?