Engaged w/ House 11yrs. I want out!!!

[Virgo1982]

Exactly! I feel my only purpose in this relationship is to help him support his family. All relationships require attention to keep them viable so they can thrive. Our relationship has suffered because of his family using us so they can have a pampered life. Maybe we enabled this in the beginning, not knowing that we would be taken advantage of like this. Be that as it may...now we find ourselves in a postion of supporting deliquencies on various levels, and it is tougher to correct because it has gone on for so long. My question to myself is do I have it in me to stick around and make things right or should I go because the damage to the relationship is unrepairable.

 

 

His daughter is close to the Uncle because they reinforce and support each other's behavior. Both of them have no respect for your fiance and she is resentful toward her father for not being there. Which is what the other posters were trying to convey. It doesn't make you a horrible person, but when you marry someone, you take on the problems they started from the past.

 

His daughter wasn't a part of his life which didn't bother you, but she was bothered and now what she has become is a problem for you and him.

 

 

For an extreme example, imagine if he was into the mob for some large sum of cash before he married you and they were after him, do you think they wouldn't involve you because you weren't his W when he made the debt? Not at all.

 

I see where you're coming from. However, when it comes to advice from this site, much of it is useful but sometimes you have to ignore the delivery to "get" and accept the message.

[katiebour]

Move the brother's stuff into storage- keep the pets in the garage until he can come for them. Give a 6-month timeline to get them before they go to an animal shelter. Change the locks and do not let the brother back into your house. If the brother doesn't pay his storage, his stuff gets auctioned and that's HIS problem, not yours. Many alcoholics can't change their lives until they've hit rock bottom.

 

My own uncle came very close to dying of hepatitis, living out of his car, stealing cold medicine to make drugs, so on and so forth until there was nowhere left for him to fall. He cleaned up his act on his own (my family had tried for years to help him- it was only when we washed our hands of him that he stood on his own two feet and changed) and is now a graduate student (major: Chemistry...lol) living with a wonderful woman, a house of his own, and clean for years.

 

Bottom line- wash your hands of the brother. Move him out and keep him out. Do not give him money, a place to stay, or any support. Do not continue to enable his behavior.

 

Daughter- drug rehab seems like a wise choice at this point. It would certainly be a way to address her problems and have her taken care of by people who can control her and mitigate her behavior. It certainly isn't your responsibility to step in and be a mom to a 17-year-old with whom you have nothing in common and no respect going either way. She's basically thinking "This is the lady my dad's been shacking up with for the last 11 years- she's no relation to me and I don't have to like her or do what she says."

 

My advice- since money doesn't seem to be an issue for the two of you, why don't you get yourself an apartment? Move out all your stuff, go month-to-month with the rent if you need to, and tell your fiance that you're not coming back unless the situation with the brother and daughter are resolved permanently. You don't have to live in the house to continue to pay on it, and in the meantime you can get a lawyer to discuss the division of property as mentioned by Michaelangelo.

[Phoenix11]

Move the brother's stuff into storage- keep the pets in the garage until he can come for them. Give a 6-month timeline to get them before they go to an animal shelter. Change the locks and do not let the brother back into your house. If the brother doesn't pay his storage, his stuff gets auctioned and that's HIS problem, not yours. Many alcoholics can't change their lives until they've hit rock bottom.

 

My own uncle came very close to dying of hepatitis, living out of his car, stealing cold medicine to make drugs, so on and so forth until there was nowhere left for him to fall. He cleaned up his act on his own (my family had tried for years to help him- it was only when we washed our hands of him that he stood on his own two feet and changed) and is now a graduate student (major: Chemistry...lol) living with a wonderful woman, a house of his own, and clean for years.

 

Bottom line- wash your hands of the brother. Move him out and keep him out. Do not give him money, a place to stay, or any support. Do not continue to enable his behavior.

 

Daughter- drug rehab seems like a wise choice at this point. It would certainly be a way to address her problems and have her taken care of by people who can control her and mitigate her behavior. It certainly isn't your responsibility to step in and be a mom to a 17-year-old with whom you have nothing in common and no respect going either way. She's basically thinking "This is the lady my dad's been shacking up with for the last 11 years- she's no relation to me and I don't have to like her or do what she says."

 

Yes, this is exactly her attitude. When she first moved in, her father and mother arranged for her to attend a school/drug treatment facility. They drove her there, met with the dean and was already to check her in. She had learned on the internet that this was a voluntary admission and she could check herself out at anytime. She told her parents, "check me in today, and I'll check myself out tomorrow" Ugh...therefore they figured what's the point...it would just be a waste of time and money.

 

My advice- since money doesn't seem to be an issue for the two of you, why don't you get yourself an apartment? Move out all your stuff, go month-to-month with the rent if you need to, and tell your fiance that you're not coming back unless the situation with the brother and daughter are resolved permanently. You don't have to live in the house to continue to pay on it, and in the meantime you can get a lawyer to discuss the division of property as mentioned by Michaelangelo.

 

Fiance arrives back tomorrow from cruise. Will have a long talk with him and have decided to see a lawyer on Monday!