bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Hey guys, I'm new to this forum...Although, I have been having a problem with my girlfriend..Im trying to understand if what Im experiencing is normal or time to move on... GF and I live together...friends/dated for 3/1.5 years..We maintained a LDR for about 9 months...then were together, then moved in together in another city. We are both 24. The thing is, I really don't know if I love her enough to marry her. Right now, as I type this, I know I love her, if we were to break up I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her, I would hope we could both move on (although I know that wont happen, there will be much fighting and tears, especially on her end). I COULD see myself marrying her, although, I feel that I just may be settling. The real dilemma kicks in when I go through my head, picture the break up, then picture her with another guy. The feeling of jealousy creeps in and I think this may be the reason I just cannot bring myself to end it. To a lesser degree, I wonder if I really may be passing up the best thing I will ever have. She is very pretty and sweet girl, but she is lacknig in other regards. I know she will make some guy out there very happy one day..I just dont know if I will be making a mistake by leaving her or if I am making a bigger mistake by allowing the feeling of jealousy to cloud my judgement and keep me in the relationship..Any help would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Hey guys, I'm new to this forum...Although, I have been having a problem with my girlfriend..Im trying to understand if what Im experiencing is normal or time to move on... GF and I live together...friends/dated for 3/1.5 years..We maintained a LDR for about 9 months...then were together, then moved in together in another city. We are both 24. The thing is, I really don't know if I love her enough to marry her. Right now, as I type this, I know I love her, if we were to break up I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her, I would hope we could both move on (although I know that wont happen, there will be much fighting and tears, especially on her end). I COULD see myself marrying her, although, I feel that I just may be settling. The real dilemma kicks in when I go through my head, picture the break up, then picture her with another guy. The feeling of jealousy creeps in and I think this may be the reason I just cannot bring myself to end it. To a lesser degree, I wonder if I really may be passing up the best thing I will ever have. She is very pretty and sweet girl, but she is lacknig in other regards. I know she will make some guy out there very happy one day..I just dont know if I will be making a mistake by leaving her or if I am making a bigger mistake by allowing the feeling of jealousy to cloud my judgement and keep me in the relationship..Any help would be much appreciated. For your gf's sake, break up with her. If you think she is lacking in areas and that you don't know if you love her enough to marry her, then you def. should end things. It's not bad that you don't want to marry her, that happens, but do her a favor and let her go to meet someone who does. If you have doubts at all, then she isn't the right person for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Hey guys, I'm new to this forum...Although, I have been having a problem with my girlfriend..Im trying to understand if what Im experiencing is normal or time to move on... GF and I live together...friends/dated for 3/1.5 years..We maintained a LDR for about 9 months...then were together, then moved in together in another city. We are both 24. The thing is, I really don't know if I love her enough to marry her. Right now, as I type this, I know I love her, if we were to break up I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her, I would hope we could both move on (although I know that wont happen, there will be much fighting and tears, especially on her end). I COULD see myself marrying her, although, I feel that I just may be settling. The real dilemma kicks in when I go through my head, picture the break up, then picture her with another guy. The feeling of jealousy creeps in and I think this may be the reason I just cannot bring myself to end it. To a lesser degree, I wonder if I really may be passing up the best thing I will ever have. She is very pretty and sweet girl, but she is lacknig in other regards. I know she will make some guy out there very happy one day..I just dont know if I will be making a mistake by leaving her or if I am making a bigger mistake by allowing the feeling of jealousy to cloud my judgement and keep me in the relationship..Any help would be much appreciated. For your gf's sake, break up with her. If you think she is lacking in areas and that you don't know if you love her enough to marry her, then you def. should end things. It's not bad that you don't want to marry her, that happens, but do her a favor and let her go to meet someone who does. If you have doubts at all, then she isn't the right person for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I guess its more that i just dont know what to do. HOW do I know if shes the one? Is "the one" a person you never have doubts about? You think they are perfect? I am afraid to break it off with her...We have a great relationship minus mild/moderate arguing and a few annoyances I have with her, and Im sure she has with me. This would be out of the blue and devastate her...as it will me too. I guess my main point is...How do you know when you have found the right person to marry and how do you know when you are just settling? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I don't know how to explain it..you just get this feeling that you wouldnt never want to be with anyone else, and that they are the only person you can think about. I don't think it's about someone being perfect, because of course nobody is. In my mind, it's more the perfect person for YOU. If you are unsure of your love for her, then she probably isn't the one for you. Don't stay with her because you are afriad of breaking up..thats not a good reason to stay together and that is def. not a good reason to get married. You get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, not because you are afraid of hurting them or breaking up with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Is she your first love? Did you date much before you met her? Link to post Share on other sites
jcster Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I guess my main point is...How do you know when you have found the right person to marry and how do you know when you are just settling? This is the question that everyone asks themselves when contemplating marriage (at least for the first time). At the risk of sounding cynical, I think we all settle in one way or another. The question to ask yourself is not: "can I see myself marrying this person?" but rather "can I envision a future in which I don't marry this person?" When it's right, you will know it, and even if you know intellectually that somehow, somewhere, you are settling, you're heart won't care. At this point, I don't think that you're ready to marry this woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I hear what you are saying...I guess my only response is, I just don't know what I am feeling. I have felt this way for a few months now and the feeling is not going away nor getting stronger...its a difficult circumstance... And no, she is not my first love..I had a previous gf in college whom I dated for about 2 years...things ended badly and I came away with a lot of bad feelings. My current gf...we were friends for about 2 years before we started dating. I think a large thing that bothers me is I see the attention she gets from guys when we go out. I walk away for a minute and theres 2 guys around her trying to talk. I know she would have no problem finding someone else.....I don't know how I would handle that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 This is the question that everyone asks themselves when contemplating marriage (at least for the first time). At the risk of sounding cynical, I think we all settle in one way or another. The question to ask yourself is not: "can I see myself marrying this person?" but rather "can I envision a future in which I don't marry this person?" When it's right, you will know it, and even if you know intellectually that somehow, somewhere, you are settling, you're heart won't care. At this point, I don't think that you're ready to marry this woman. That is some food for thought. I appreciate it. I agree with you, we've discussed marriage plenty of times and I for one have made it clear I do not want to get married anytime soon...More likely towards the end of my 20's than at 24 or 25. She seems to agree and is okay with it. I jsut dont know if I should stick around and see how things progress or cut things off in the near future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 To make this more complicated..Ill throw another wrench in there... Part of me wonders if shell be content with me forever...While I've only seriously dated two girls, I've had more than my fair share of experiences with a variety of girls. She on the other hand has messed around with other guys in college, etc. but only has had sex with me.. I always wonder about girls who only have had one partner, whether or not they will be curious to explore as they grow a little older.. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 So it sounds like it's more a situation of you questioning your own self-worth and some fear of the unknown possibilities of being hurt. Also, she appears to be the flirtatious type. Why not talk to her, to find out where she stands? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 She can be a bit flirtatious...but I do not question the possibiilty of her going any further than that. She is a good, honest person. However, 5 years from now, I don't know. We've talked before, and if I mention the hint of possibly breaking up she starts crying. She claims she never wants to be with anyone other than me, and I have no reason whatsoever to doubt her...I just feel like girls who have only been with one guy will get curious sooner or later whether they think they will or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 What will you be like in 5 years time? Can you guarantee her you won't change? As for not sleeping around, I'm similar to her in that I've only slept with two people. I don't care to sleep with anyone I'm not in love with. Since I'm 32, I doubt this core value will change. This is one aspect of myself that I've never needed validation for. Having said that, one thing I do know. There are two types of people. Those who will cheat and those who won't. I've never cheated and never will. I've been the collateral damage from cheating and given damage to the offender. With this in mind, it's one of life's no brainer guarantees with me. If relationship issues can't be fixed, you'll find me walking, as I've always done in the past. I can also be quite a flirt but if I'm in a committed relationship, never with intent. If an SO finds it offensive and clearly states his boundaries for this, I would keep to his boundaries. It only makes sense in a relationship. I'm giving you a glimpse of me, in case your g/f is a similar personality type. If her flirting bothers you, don't be afraid to tell her and set your boundaries. People don't need to flirt, to continue living or having a reason for living. In hiding your concern, you only create insecurities for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 As for not sleeping around, I'm similar to her in that I've only slept with two people. I don't care to sleep with anyone I'm not in love with. Since I'm 32, I doubt this core value will change. Same, I have to be in love to want to sleep with someone. I made the mistake (twice) of sleeping with guys I didn't have strong feelings for. Won't ever do that again. Link to post Share on other sites
Love2share Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I hate to bring up the age issue. But you're both very young. Of course, there is a huge possibility that she will be curious about other men. And you will be curious about other women as well. This really isn't about age as much as it is about experience. From what you've written, you both need more experience with relationships before you make a lifelong commitment in marriage. I recommend keeping the friendship as long as you both understand and agree with ending the monogomous relationship. It can be difficult to continue being friends when you've been more than friends for so long. But communication is the key to everything. In order to communicate, there needs to be mutual respect between the two of you. She will have to care about your feelings, and you have to care about her feelings as well. If you find yourself not caring about her feelings, then you shouldn't be in her life at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 I appreciate your response. Now in response to her flirting, it doesn't bother me. In a distorted way, I like seeing her flirt and tease these guys knowing they aren't going to get anywhere. Sure they try to kiss her or grab her hand before she can back away, and that does bother me al ittl ebit, but its not really her fault. I dont blame her for flirting, I am the same way and we dont have a problem with each other in that department. It just makes me wonder if girls who have only been with one or two people are moer prone to want to experiment and explore new avenues when they grow a little older. This could be another thread on its own. My main thing, and I think you guys have provided some good feedback, is I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I want to love her and KNOW shes the only one for me...but I just dont...which leads me to consider the possibility that I may NEVER know and will ALWAYS feel like this about someone Im with (I have a hard time making big decisions if you couldnt tell)..In which case, letting her go would be a huge mistake... Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I appreciate your response. Now in response to her flirting, it doesn't bother me. In a distorted way, I like seeing her flirt and tease these guys knowing they aren't going to get anywhere. Sure they try to kiss her or grab her hand before she can back away, and that does bother me al ittl ebit, but its not really her fault. I dont blame her for flirting, I am the same way and we dont have a problem with each other in that department. It just makes me wonder if girls who have only been with one or two people are moer prone to want to experiment and explore new avenues when they grow a little older. This could be another thread on its own. My main thing, and I think you guys have provided some good feedback, is I don't know if what I'm feeling is normal. I want to love her and KNOW shes the only one for me...but I just dont...which leads me to consider the possibility that I may NEVER know and will ALWAYS feel like this about someone Im with (I have a hard time making big decisions if you couldnt tell)..In which case, letting her go would be a huge mistake... Do you feel that you love her but you're not "in love" with her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Do you feel that you love her but you're not "in love" with her? Thats what my first gf told me when she broke up with me and it seemed like such a cop out at the time... When I think about it, there are times I love her but not in love with her, and then there are times I am completely in love with her...I go back and forth quite a bit which makes this so much more difficult... Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Do you expect that throughout your relationship, you will always have an infatuation high? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Do you expect that throughout your relationship, you will always have an infatuation high? I've thoguht about this....While it would be nice, I realize its not realistic. I wouldn't say I was ever "infactuated" with her....Our relationship started out as friends...we would fool around a little, then we started having sex, and then we finally started dating..I was opposed to dating her for a while, but I finally started feeling for her in a different way and things were great for a year or so....over the past few months Ive had the feelings Ive been talking about... Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Are there other ways in which you feel your gf comes up short aside from being flirtateous and inexperienced? Like imagine your dream wife and how she would differ from your gf. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I've thoguht about this....While it would be nice, I realize its not realistic. I wouldn't say I was ever "infactuated" with her....Our relationship started out as friends...we would fool around a little, then we started having sex, and then we finally started dating..I was opposed to dating her for a while, but I finally started feeling for her in a different way and things were great for a year or so....over the past few months Ive had the feelings Ive been talking about... Why were you opposed to dating her for awhile? How physically attractive do you find her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Are there other ways in which you feel your gf comes up short aside from being flirtateous and inexperienced? Like imagine your dream wife and how she would differ from your gf. I must have come across differently than I had planned.. Her being flirtatious and lack of experience are not problems whatsoever for me. (her lack of experience is only a problem for teh reason that I feel she may want to leave me down the road for some new experiences) I feel we often dont have enough in common, argue about the smallest of things, and I sometimes find myself growing old with her when I know any other guy would be jumping at the chance to be with her..Girls I am typically attracted to are outgoing bubbly personalities, my gf definitely isn't one of those, not that thats a bad thing neccessarily...she is just a bad communicator and I wish she wouldn't be... Link to post Share on other sites
Author bigworm23 Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Why were you opposed to dating her for awhile? How physically attractive do you find her? Simply put, she's hot. One of the best looking girls I've been with. She gets attention from guys all the time, etc. I was just opposed because I didnt like to be tied down. Even know, given how she looks, I find myself not attracted to her sometimes..and I know people would call me crazy...sometimes Im completely attracted to her and sometimes not. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I must have come across differently than I had planned.. Her being flirtatious and lack of experience are not problems whatsoever for me. (her lack of experience is only a problem for teh reason that I feel she may want to leave me down the road for some new experiences) I feel we often dont have enough in common, argue about the smallest of things, and I sometimes find myself growing old with her when I know any other guy would be jumping at the chance to be with her..Girls I am typically attracted to are outgoing bubbly personalities, my gf definitely isn't one of those, not that thats a bad thing neccessarily...she is just a bad communicator and I wish she wouldn't be... Okay, now I have to giggle a bit but not at your expense, so don't take it that way. It's not often that a guy says a girl is a bad communicator. If she's flirtatious, it stands to reason that she's outgoing and a bit bubbly, no? Link to post Share on other sites
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