coffeecup Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 My boyfriend is heading to a conference in another city. He doesn't make much money--so he is staying with his ex for just a night. I do trust him--and personally think this is okay. He has been broken up with this ex for at least 3 years. Although I've never met her before, we've (me and his ex) spoken on the phone a few times. Nonetheless, a few of my friends act like this is a bad thing. I have no reason to not trust him--he's never cheated before, and I know he is over the ex and vice versa. Should I go with my gut and trust him? Note: I tend to have a jealous nature--but I'm trying to just lighten up and trust people more. Thanks!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jade 02 Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Hi Ccup Well this is a hard one cuz I have been cheated on when I was younger. I have this thing in my mind all men cheat,but I know deep down, some don't. But to love is to trust,and I would give it a shot,and let him go. How long yall been together as a couple? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffeecup Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Hi there...thanks for your response. We've been together for about a year and a half. And the thing about my BF is that he's always really honest with me about our relationship. I like that he maintains open communication with me---for example: he wanted to make sure it was okay with me if he stayed with the ex. I've had other guys cheat on me before, but I want to believe my BF. I really love him, and I know he loves me and tries to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
KenzieAbsolutely Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 personally, i think it's shady. but that's just me. it just looks bad, and it would make your relationship look bad. i think if he stays there, it's going to open a whole can of worms you're not ready for. if he starts acting tired, or distant, or strange for any reason afterward, you're going to think she has something to do with it, even if she doesn't. if your relationship goes through any problems, you're immediately going to wonder what happened the night he stayed at her house. it is always going to make you wonder, even if you feel fine with it now...which is questionable, because if you were so fine with it, you wouldn't be asking other people what they thought about it. if he's going to a conference for work, his work should be prepared to defray the cost of travels. if not, if there are other people going, he can split a hotel room with them. it's strange to me that his only option is staying with an ex...do you have proof he's even going to a conference? why don't you offer to go with him? better yet, get him a hotel room that you pay for, and see how he acts when you tell him he doesn't have to stay with his ex. Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Nonetheless, a few of my friends act like this is a bad thing. I like your friends. They’ve got your back. I have no reason to not trust him--he's never cheated before, and I know he is over the ex and vice versa. Should I go with my gut and trust him? If you’re okay with it, then go with it. No skin off your nose in giving him the benefit of the doubt and just waiting to see what happens. If he screws up and betrays your trust, than at least you’ll know where the real loyal people in your life can be found. For that reason, try not to get too miffed at your friends’ (Oh-Hell-No-Girlfriend! ) attitudes. They’ve clearly got your best interests at heart and will be the first to rally in your defense should your “gut” instincts about this guy and his ex girlfriend be a little off. Sometimes when we’re too close to a situation it’s hard for us to see past what our own hearts and minds want to believe ... and those extra pair of eyes looking out for you just might come in handy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffeecup Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 Thanks everyone. I totally love my friends and I believe they do have my back. It's good to have people that are supportive and vice versa. I know the situation isn't great--but right now, my gut is to trust him and let him go. Life is full of obstacles and this is just another one. By the way, while this is for a professional conference, he doesn't get paid travel. He's a contract employee so he tends to have to pay his own way on stuff like this--and east coast hotels are expensive! Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 I think that if you know in your heart that you can trust him you should trust him. People are too paranoid and too quick to say things to alarm you. I know I can only speak for myself but I could see myself crashing at my ex's who I'm still friends with in this situation with absolutely nothing "shady" going on. Yes it's important to have your eyes open but if you know you have a trustworthy man who loves you, trust him. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Yes, east coast hotels ARE expensive, but there are less expensive alternatives if you check on line. If it's New York City, there are hundreds of lower priced hotels all over the place. Besides, doesn't he have a credit card? Seems to me that a $100 room is well worth the price of a good relationship. If it were me, I'd spring for it myself if he won't pay for it. Call it peace of mind. I subscribe to the notion that not only does one not act improperly, one doesn't give the appearance of impropriety. Staying with an ex gives the appearance of impropriety, even if nothing goes on. A good boyfriend wouldn't stay with her if it bothers you. So speak up. I used to think I had to be flexible and cool about things like this. It got me nowhere! (Except walked all over.) Now, I call it like it is. I'd say something like "It's up to you, but I'm uncomfortable with you staying with her. I trust you, but I still don't like it. It's going to affect us. Could you please stay in a hotel? It would ease my mind." If he cares about you, he will want to please you. People in relationships just don't stay with exes (unless you both decide to visit together or something.) Nothing wrong with saying something like that to him either. You don't go running around acting single when you're not....Why is that? Because you aren't. Sometimes the price of being in a relationship is giving up things like staying at an ex's. Or bumping and grinding strangers on the dance floor. Or calling up the cute guy at work just to say "Hi." Stuff like that. He should get it. Personally, it would be a deal breaker for me. I don't usually see these things end well. Just remember, if you let him go, you've set up a precedent for him to stay with exes wherever he goes...and maybe with her again. Do you really want to go down that road and wherever it might lead? Hey, here's an extreme example. Even if I trusted my boyfriend to not cheat, I still wouldn't let him sleep naked next to another woman. Why put oneself in a tempting situation? I wouldn't do it myself. That's why I don't get drunk on business trips and invite male coworkers to my room. I know I wouldn't do anything, but why ask for trouble....and why make my boyfriend worry? Again, the whole appearance of impropriety thing. I hope your boyfriend will ease your mind. Simply let him know how he needs to do that, and stand tall while you do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted November 27, 2007 Share Posted November 27, 2007 Yeah, Allina, good point. I see what you mean. But, if it bothered your boyfriend, would you still do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffeecup Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 At this point I'm kinda undecided about it. Maybe I should talk to him a little more just to get his feedback. I really hate being pegged the -uptight- girlfriend (or untrusting or insecure, etc, etc). Not that he sees me this way....still life is hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffeecup Posted November 27, 2007 Author Share Posted November 27, 2007 hehe. I just talked to him and told him I was uncomfortable with it. He's really a good guy--he said, "I want you to be happy, so if you aren't cool with it, I'll stay somewhere else." Then he asked if I wanted to go with him. I feel a lot better. It's weird how sometimes you just need to talk things out. Link to post Share on other sites
oppath Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Sounds like you have a great BF. I remember, my ex wanted to hang out with her recent ex bf, and I'd allow it, even though she wouldn't tell him about me so his feelings wouldn't be hurt. Even though I said "I feel really disrespected by this." Doormat. Never again. Healthy relationships, like Nikki said, don't even put themselves in positions for any impropriety. Improper situations are limited and are transparent. It is not insecure or irrational to concerned about an ex. Obviously on LS, it happens all the time that an ex comes back and causes problems. It happens away from LS too, ALL THE TIME. You are never jealous or controlling for being concerned about an ex. If you say "I feel a bit uncomfortable and disrespected by this," your SO damn well better meet you halfway and compromise. It is not irrational to be wary of an ex. Link to post Share on other sites
nicki Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 Yay! He did the right thing. He's a good boyfriend! A keeper! Link to post Share on other sites
Author coffeecup Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 Thanks everyone... Link to post Share on other sites
truckdriving Posted November 30, 2007 Share Posted November 30, 2007 Dont let this guy get away. You wont find another one like him. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts