Can anyone else relate to this...

[MarkWA65]

OK so I guess I should start this with a little background. About nine years ago I sort of gave up on dating. I retreated into the safety of my appartment and burried myself in video games and my career. I thought I was happy being alone and prety much figured that I would be that way the rest of my life.

 

But a few weeks before my 42nd birthday I had sort of an awakening. One night I was feeling so alone and despised what I had let myself become. I was 275 pounds, looked like hell, and felt even worse. Then like a light switch being flipped on I decided to flip my life around 180 degrees. Since that time I have lost over 50 pounds (with several more to go), I have seen doctors and a dentist and started repairing the damage I did to my body and my self esteem. And I am starting to feel prety damn good about myself again.

 

To work on the lonlieness part of my life I joined several online dating services. However after sending out over a hundred interest notifications on several different sites and sitting back and waiting for several weeks not a single one replied. This was destroying my newfound self esteem. So I have since cancelled all of these accounts.

 

Something happened in last several weeks though. I met this woman named Cara. She is single and not seeing anyone, she is 14 years younger than me, has a 4 year old son, and is a co-worker of mine. One day at work while talking with her I started to feel something I hadn't felt in at least 13 years. I had butterflies in my stomach. And of course having taken so much time off from dating and because she is a co-worker I told myself that I should just try and suppress these feelings and move on with my life. It has now been 5 weeks since these feelings first surfaced and I still cannot shake them. Seeing her at work every day makes it hard for me to concentrate on my job.

 

I have talked with friends, posted on other relationship sites, and spent countless hours conteplating what I should do. I am trying to take their advice and remain friendly with her and hope that someday I will have the courage to ask her out. But at this point I am not sure that I can handle whatever the outcome would be positive or negative. But someday when I feel I can I am sure I will ask her out. I am sure that I could not live the rest of my life not knowing.

 

If anyone else has had a similar experience or has any words of wisdom I would appreciate hearing from you...

 

Some days I think I am going to go crazy...

 

--MJ

[Lovegod]

has a 4 year old son,

 

Red Flag #1: If you don't have kids yourself, don't get involved with others who have kids.

 

and is a co-worker of mine.

 

Red Flag #2: Don't stick your dink in the company ink. If it doesn't work out, it'll make your workplace a living hell.

 

Get your ass off the dating sites and interact with REAL women in the REAL world. You have to re-learn what it's like interacting with humans of the opposite sex, so go out and do that. Learn how to start and maintain conversations with strangers. Remember, everything comes with practice. Those butterflies will eventually digest and you'll develope the confidence to strike up a conversation with any women you meet and get her digits.

But again, you have to go out and do the work. Practice, practice, practice!

[tomwiz]

I sort of disagree. At your age (no offense) many of the women are going to have children. If you feel like you could deal with it, go for it. While it maybe semi awkward, how often do you see her at work? If its not frequently, go for it. I would also think about joining a dating site or two again...I was not having much luck intially either, until I revamped waht I wrote about myself, it seems like women actually do read it haha. This will be a nice companion activity to like Lovegod said, going out and meeting girls, whether it be at a class or a group of some sort.

 

But more importantly, you only live once, ask her if she'd like to go out for coffee/beer after work or something, if she rejects you just say something like "Ok, maybe some other time and move along

[Lovegod]

At your age (no offense) many of the women are going to have children.

 

Yes, at his age many women will have kids. That's when you date women who are younger. And no it's not creepy... An older man who has his 5hit together is a prize waiting to be won!

[LoveLace]

I don't think it's fair, really, to tell someone weather or not to date a person with or without children, that is up to him, he might be ok with it and he might not. And he said she's 14 years younger, not his age. Basically anywhere between the ages of 25 and 45 up, it gets harder to date only people without children. We can either accept that or not accept it. From what I gather the OP isn't bothered by it, so it's not even issue here.

 

But working with someone you date can be an issue; and the OP seems a bit fragile, being new into the game again, another issue.

 

Are there signals that Cara is interested as well? I guess that's hard to know for sure. I say, just ask her to join you for a happy hour drink. That way it's still half-friendly, half-co-worker based. At that time you can assess the situation better, and decide if going further is a good idea or not. If she turns down your invitation, it might only be because of the co-worker factor, so don't take it personally and continue the professional relationship as though nothing happened.

 

I don't like dating sites, myself. I spent years using them, and have never found myself in a meaningful relationship as a result. I think they work well for some, but not for everyone. I agree that you should take any opportunities to get out into social situations; get your buddies to gather at the local sports pub to watch a football game, start a new hobby, go to the gym, and engage in any social event your invited to. As for work, many people actually meet that way. Yes it's risky, but happens all the time because we spend so much of our time there. (Well not for me...it's all chicks where I work!); so, get involved with any social activities planned at work too.

 

Congratulations on your wt. loss I'm sure you look great.

[MarkWA65]

Honestly a few years ago I would have been petrified to date a woman with children, but Ihave met her son and he is a really smart and nice little boy. I am totally at ease around him and I bekieve that I can handle that aspect of it.

 

And in the past I have dated co-workers. Once it worked out where we ended up as friends and the other time I had to transfer to a different location (when I was in retail). Ultimately this second one has left me a little scared of what could happen especially since back then I dodn;t care about my job and now I have a good job that I really love.

 

Thanx again for the replies it certainly helps me cope with my feelings and helps to calm me considerably.

 

--MJ

[desertguy]

I would say proceed with caution here. It's great that you've taken some steps to improve yourself and have the courage to enter the dating scene again, bravo! But there are 2 things that are a concern, and that's dating a coworker, and getting back into the dating scene after a long absence. The fact that she has a kid is not as important, unless of course it is to you.

 

Dating coworkers is a risky proposition, for anyone. I've done it once, and she changed jobs anyway within a few weeks, so it wasn't an issue, but it could have been. As I speak, my recently divorced boss is dating his executive assistant, and I know another dating couple in my workplace. I don't know how any of this will work out for them, I wouldn't do it myself, but I'm not in their shoes. If things don't work out as planned, and not to sound pessimistic here, but most dates don't, until you've actually found that person you really click with, it could be a living hell at your workplace if things don't work out.

 

The other issue is getting back into the dating scene after a long absence. It's going to be a shock, no if's ands or buts, and you need to ease into it gradually, and gently. I would say go on a few "practice dates" with women you meet online, but that doesn't sound like an option here. If you can, see if you can line up a date with someone outside of work first maybe. It may sound callous to call it "practice dates", but if you were injured physically, it wouldn't make sense to run a marathon right away, would it? It's more to get out, have fun, but have no expectations, other than enjoying some company, and improving your dating skills. We are all social creatures, after all, and women get lonely too, and just want some company sometimes too.

 

If the woman is pretty down to earth, you're friends with her, then it might not be such a bad idea. I don't know your situation, but if she's fairly cool, and you think you'd still be friends, or at least friendly if things don't go anywhere, then I'd say go for it. This would not be a bad situation. What I said before is with the assumption that you guys don't each other all that well.

 

Anyway, it's your call, good luck with whatever you decide, and congratulations on improving yourself and giving dating another shot!

 

desertguy

[MarkWA65]

Thanx desert ... she is very down to earth and a very cool person ... probably whay I find myself attracted to her ... I have definately been looking for some "practice dates" ... so far no luck but I'm not about to give up now that I just got my life restarted.

 

LoveLace, are there signals she is interested... well that is really hard for me to tell... in the past I have had to have friends smack me on the head and show me that I am missing signs so there may well be ... or she is just being friendly with me as a fellow co-worker ... I guess I will know either way eventually.

 

--MJ

[Lovegod]

I don't think it's fair, really, to tell someone weather or not to date a person with or without children, that is up to him, he might be ok with it and he might not.

 

Why should he put himself in a position where he becomes responsible for some other dude's child? When you date a woman with children, you end up dating her and her kids. You develope a relationship with her and her kids. You make plans to be one-on-one with her based on the child's schedule. As a childless guy, I've dated women with kids, and it's a huge pain in the ass.

 

And he said she's 14 years younger, not his age.

 

I know that. It was tomwiz who implied that he was dating women his age.

 

Ihave met her son and he is a really smart and nice little boy. I am totally at ease around him and I bekieve that I can handle that aspect of it.

 

You aren't seeing the big picture here. Children can be wonderful, but they can also be a pain in the arse. But I suppose you need to find out some things for yourself, so I suggest getting her number (do it tomorrow) and setting up a date. Maybe take her and the boy to the zoo.

[LoveLace]

Lovegod the OP stated that he doesn't have a problem with the child, it's you that has a problem with it, so if someone that has children wants to date you, then don't do it, but some people are perfectly fine with it and willing to accept that it has it's disadvantages. And if the parent of the child is sensible, they will make sure that the people they date DO NOT feel responsbile for another's dude's kid; if I was a single mom and dated, I would make darn sure that the real father was the only one really "responsible" other than myself. If a guy I dated felt too "responsible" no matter what measures I took against it, then I wouldn't date him. But naturally, there is a certain extent of responsibility no matter who's kids we are around as adults. If I have a kid and a guy chooses to spend time with both of us, then he will have general adult responsibilities anyway, and if there's a problem with that I'd dump him because obviously he'd have growing up to do himself.

[Lovegod]

There are lots of women out there with loads of baggage - not including kids. I really can't see why someone who's got everything going for him would want to deliberately date a woman who has baggage.

 

Mark is obviously a quality man, and I think he deserves better than a woman who made a poor decision and selection when she started a family. But it seems our friend Mark has no clue what dating SMs are all about, so I think he should go out with her and find out why I'm against dating SMs, especially if you're childless.

 

I recall how awkward it was with one of the SM I was sleeping with, when one of her kids came into the bedroom and found us together.

[LoveLace]

Lovegod, could you be any more judgemental? It's not right to say that a single mom is non-dateable because of "poor decision making"; we don't even know her or her situation. People have kids (on purpose OR accidental) and split up all the time, probably a million times a day, for a million reasons, so we can't judge the quality of this woman as a girlfriend, based on the small amount of info we have. I myself might consider having a child solo, since my biological clock is ticking but unfortunately I have yet to be blessed with Mr. Right; I might have to be a single mom weather I want to or not. Is that "poor decision making"? Will guys deserve "better" than me? "Poor decision making" on my part would be if I had stayed with any of the losers who tried to date me.

 

If the OP sees her as an overall good person, that's the most important thing to start with. But if she dates him and starts to use him as a babysitter or her Ex stalks him, then we'll talk about deserving better. But overall, a single working mother is the one who deserves the best, all SM's I know are some of the strongest women I know.

 

Secondly, as I've posted many other times, anyone of dating ages 25 or older (especially 30 or older) is likely to have baggage of some sort; even the OP's situation could be considered baggage, because his self esteem is fragile due to his decision to give up dating for so long. Baggage is quite common and comes in many forms and sizes; being in his 40's, he's lucky if a woman in his age group's only "baggage" is children. Of course we'd all like to find someone with no baggage what so ever; it can definitely make dating easier; but in reality, it's part of overcoming obstacles in any relationship, and you can either choose to work on it, or walk away. I'm in my 30's and it's next to impossible to find a guy with no Ex wife, no kids, or no phobias about committment. I'm sure some are out there but where ever they are, they are not coming to me. I'm totally fine with an Ex wife or kids, as long as there are no challenges beyond what's expected.

 

Sorry to hijak the OP's thread! I'm outta breath...

[Lovegod]

I myself might consider having a child solo, since my biological clock is ticking but unfortunately I have yet to be blessed with Mr. Right; I might have to be a single mom weather I want to or not. Is that "poor decision making"?

 

Yes it is. Using a man to bring a child into this world purely to satisfy your emotional needs is a rotten thing to do, not only to the man but also for the child. If you cannot find "Mr. Right" then you're better off not reproducing than raising a child in an incomplete family. Boys especially need a male figure in their lives (a dad) or else they grow into feminized men who post stories on Loveshack about how they can't get a woman despite trying to tune into her emotional needs and buying her pretty things.

 

I've come close to being used by women like you (a total of three times so far) because you see it as your right to bear a child regardless of what the man wants in his life.

 

I will also state that women in their 30s are probably the WORST age group to date, especially if they have no children. Their biological clocks start ticking, and come hell or high water, they're going to have a child no matter who they step on.

 

Will guys deserve "better" than me?

 

Yes, if they have no children themselves.

 

"Poor decision making" on my part would be if I had stayed with any of the losers who tried to date me.

 

You seem to be the common denominator when it comes to dating "losers". Perhaps it would do you a world of good to work on self-improvement.

 

But overall, a single working mother is the one who deserves the best, all SM's I know are some of the strongest women I know.

 

I will say that every SM that I've encountered is extremely mature. Unfortunately, they were forced to become extremely mature due to a dependent, not because they were necessarily intellingent nor made good choices.

 

Most people know the consequences of having sex, but it seems few are intelligent enough to ensure that they're financially secure, have selected a potentially good parent for a significant other, and have worked on their relationship to make a stable home for their future son or daughter.

Now, if a woman cannot set herself simple goals like this for herself, nor take the responsibility for that little egg floating around inside of her, then she DOES NOT deserve "the best". If she cannot take responsibilities like this seriously, what else is she going to be irresponsible with?

 

Secondly, as I've posted many other times, anyone of dating ages 25 or older (especially 30 or older) is likely to have baggage of some sort

 

And what's wrong with ensuring that you're getting the least amount of baggage, ESPECIALLY if you're looking for a long-term partner? If our friend Mark just wants to go out and get laid, then baggage is pretty much irrelevant. However, considering the amount of relationship-dependent people we have on this board, that is probably not the case here. When looking for a long-term partner, quality should triumph. Quality does NOT include large amounts of baggage, especially if that baggage ends up being a financial drain. Women with children are just as financially draining as a childless gold-digger.

 

being in his 40's, he's lucky if a woman in his age group's only "baggage" is children.

 

...and that's why he should date outside of his "age group".

 

All hi-jacking apologies to Mark

[MarkWA65]

Don't worry about hijacking the thread ... I respect everyones opinions ...

 

Cara is only 27 but a very strong woman. She is cute, intelligent, funny, and even a little nerdy as she is really good with computers and sci-fi. All things that are extremely attractive to me... Her having a son isn't an issue for me at all and she has stated in a group setting that the father isn't in the picture anymore although I haven't pressed for more info on that...

 

I personally find that the co-worker hurdle is probably the biggest thing that will need to be overcome if I should find the strength to ask her out...

 

Thanx again for your comments and support

 

--MJ

[LoveLace]

Lovegod, when I say I might have to have a kid solo, I'm not talking about screwing anyone who can give me sperm, I'm talking about science, so the only guy involved would be the anonymous one who donated his juice for this purpose! I wouldn't consider "using" anyone. And having a child does not meet emotional needs, in fact I think it only makes people emotions even crazier; it's maternal needs, but if your a man you don't have a clue what that feels like or what it means. I am a nurse, so I don't exactly think I'd be too unstable to raise a kid on my own, financially especially. And obviously any guy who might want to date me would be aware of my situation (like Mark) and they wouldn't date me if they had a problem with it (like you); and I wouldn't expect a guy to assume a "father" role, if that happened it would happen naturally. That's right I've dated a lot of losers...but I'm still single, aren't I? So obviously I have standards that have yet to be met. And if they never get met it doesn't mean I don't have a right to be a mother.

 

In fact I feel lucky to be female for this reason, because I've met men like myself who feel it's too late for them to have kids, but it isn't as though they can produce one on their own like a woman can. their only choice would be to "use" someone as you were saying.

 

Ask her out OP! Just start with a friendly, co-worker relationship and you never know what develops.

[Sweetcheripie]

I think you should ask her out! She sounds great! Yes it is uncomfortable because of the work situation but you can be very upfront and talk about that with her. Are there any policies at your work that you can't date? Some companies have that now but most don't. Honestly, she is probably wondering why you haven't asked her out yet!!!

 

Also, I think you should make sure you ask her out on a real date. Not just happy hour drinks or anything that can be misconstrued as a friend from work sort of thing. Ask her out to a nice dinner and if you really want to make big points - have someone lined up to babysit if she needs it.

 

This will be sooo fun!! You are doing so much to make your life better - this is your time to shine!

[LoveLace]

Great post Sweet, and the babysitter is a wonderful idea!

[compassion42]

I agree....you should go for it and ask her out. It sounds like the two of you have a lot in common. Good Luck and congrats on taking such a positive turn in your lifestyle.

 

p.s. Lovelace-you express yourself very well and I don't blame you for being frustrated with the judgemental banter of Lovegod.

[MarkWA65]

Thanx sweet, the company doesn't have any policy forbidding it but they have a strict no is NO!!! policy ... if I get turned down I can never ask her again. Because of this I remain friendly with her at work and keep watching for any signal that I should go ahead and ask ... hopefully I will notice it without someone else having to hit me on the head and point it out like usual

 

Thanx again

 

--MJ

[desertguy]

Thanx sweet, the company doesn't have any policy forbidding it but they have a strict no is NO!!! policy ... if I get turned down I can never ask her again. Because of this I remain friendly with her at work and keep watching for any signal that I should go ahead and ask ... hopefully I will notice it without someone else having to hit me on the head and point it out like usual

 

Thanx again

 

--MJ

 

MarkWA65, I wouldn't wait around for the perfect moment to ask her, or you might never do it. Next time you have a chance, just ask! If she likes you as you say, she's probably going to say yes. If she doesn't give you a clear answer or says no, then let it go. At least she knows you're interested, and she could just be having a bad day, or have a lot on her plate at the moment. If she's at all interested in you, you've expressed your interest and she may get back to you later. But definitely back off after that. It sounds like your company has a typical sexual harassment policy, and asking anymore would be exactly that.

[MarkWA65]

I was having a really good day today, I actually thought I could see some signs of interest from Cara late last week and this afternoon when speaking with her. Then later in the day today I saw her out for a walk with a younger, better looking, guy from a different department. I just about had a panic attack. Maybee I waited too long. Now I'm not sure what I should do.

 

--MJ

[Sweetcheripie]

Oh I'm glad you updated - I was wondering!!

 

Please just ask her out. What is the worst thing that could happen?

 

I know iti is scary and rejection is so hard on the ego especially since it has been a long time for you. But take a deep breath - it will go fine!

 

Go ask her and then let us know how it went!! We want to celebrate with you!

 

Just think of it as practice. I know you really like her but if this isn't meant to be, it will be ok. You are just getting back out there - have fun!!

[TheSilentType]

Well, first of all congratulations for trying to change your life around. Keep on at it.

 

Second of all, I agree with lovegod about her son being a red flag. I know you said you don't mind, but I hope that is not loneliness speaking. Its really not a good idea to get involved with someone who has a child, ESPECIALLY (!!!) if its a man who wants to be with a woman who has a child.

 

Frankly, she was a 23 year old who had some fun with a jerk. Don't be the sap who comes up to pick up the scraps

 

You have to believe that you are worth more than that. It's because you don't that you are willing to fall for people like this.

 

But I understand its hard for you since you've been isolated for a while. So have some fun but don't let your heart get too caught up.

[desertguy]

Mark, I woudn't listen to the naysayers here. Just because she was walking with a younger guy doesn't mean squat. If I've been waiting for some woman to contact me, and she hasn't in a reasonable amount of time, yeah, I sometimes make contact with someone else. It doesn't always mean what you assume it does. I would say still ask her out! Even if you get rejected, hey, you've lost weight, improved yourself, and asked a woman out, not bad at all! In fact you ought to pat yourself on the back if no one else does, it takes a lot of courage to get to where you are, man. It goes in the win column, regardless of the outcome. So have fun with it, and update us on how it turns out. We'll support you either way.

[MarkWA65]

I tossed and turned all night, probably got two hours of sleep total ... I have decided that I need to ask one of the two of them if they are dating ... I guess it will depend on which I can get alone for a few minutes first.

 

--MJ