Relapse

[OpenBook]

Yes I think you DO need to steer clear of men. Your heart is way too vulnerable right now. You are trying to get over your painful experience by finding someone else. YOU ARE TRYING TOO HARD. Men smell that a mile away, think you're a desperate, bottomless-pit succubus coming at them, and bolt for the door every time. In your guy-friend example, you were the initiator. Whenever one is the initiator (be it the guy or the girl) they must be prepared to be rejected. Guys have a LOT more experience with that than we do; because historically they've had to do it more often (they're the aggressors) in order to get results.

 

I wish we could all get back to being little kids on the playground. Little kids just walk up to someone they like and ask them "Would you like to play with me?" And if the other little kid says No, they simply keep going with the flow and a few minutes later approach another little kid. Rejection just rolls right off 'em like water off a duck's back. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

 

I think that's what you should do now. Concentrate on making yourself look HOT every time you go out in public. And just go on about your business. Don't try to make anything happen, just go with the flow. That exhibition opening? Go to gain knowledge, hob-knob with others in the same field as you -- make it a business mission for yourself. Whenever you go into it with that kind of mindset, your self-confidence is easier to summon up. Put all the romantic stuff aside right now - give it a rest. You got other stuff to do!

 

I also think you need to realize that you are ENOUGH, in and of yourself. You are worthy of a good life filled with love... regardless of how you've been treated in the past. But I don't know how to advise you to do that... other than live as long as I have:D, and just survive it all.

 

Good luck stunned... I just know somehow you're going to be all right.

[imstunned]

Thanks for replying OB. I feel embarassed about my post - I just kind of lost it a bit earlier. And its silly - I'm not really massively attracted to the guy - and if I'm honest I guess he knows it - hence the fact I didnt go home with him. I dont think he was too impressed that I was still hurting after an a**hole when he was kind of on offer. Never mind.

 

You are totally right. So badly am I missing my ex and so huge a hole do I feel is left in my life I'm trying to fill it. I have been very good and have rejected the advances of men recently - where before exmm- who knows I may have been flattered by their advances and it may have played out differently. I know that I cant be feeing off the attractions of men towards me for my self worth and esteem. But then I never have done that.

 

It Just shows what a basket case I am. I get a text from a friend saying he cant go for drinks with me as he is going out with his new chick and I loose the plot. My tears were not over him they were over the man I felt I knew and the man I fell in love with who turned out to be bloody mairred.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I know that I cant be feeing off the attractions of men towards me for my self worth and esteem. But then I never have done that.

 

Don't worry about it.

 

You've been taken for a ride by that guy. It'll be a while before you can process it all.

 

You'll have the memories and the stories.

 

The guy is not going to call you because of your threat about telling the wife. He didn't like that and dislikes you because of that.

 

(Is like some guy telling you, call me or I'll beat the hell out of you, you call him, try and have a nice talk, you get off the phone and never call the guy again)

 

Ariadne

[imstunned]

Hi,

 

The guy is not going to call you because of your threat about telling the wife. He didn't like that and dislikes you because of that.

 

Ariadne

 

I know - but please bear in mind that I find it agonising to think that he dislikes me, hates me and dosent care about me. It may very well be true. But it hurst like HELL. All I ever did was fall in love with him and he hates me in return.

[OpenBook]

Thanks for replying OB. I feel embarassed about my post - I just kind of lost it a bit earlier.

 

And you are the only girl on the PLANET who has EVER felt that way.:D Don't worry about it.

[PLAYBRAT]

IS...

 

I am not trying to be harsh here...but what is it YOU are not seeing about this whole picture?? THE GUY IS A LYING PIECE OF SH*T!!

 

STOP romanticising this CREEP. He is a worthless LOSER...and I hate to say it but if you keep up this mindset..what does that make YOU?

 

Please...I am not saying you are in ANY way WRONG.HE deceived YOU.Period. It's been a couple of months since you found out.........

what is it about HIM that you cannot let go of...aside from the "fantasy" of him??? he IS gone. He has tld you from his OWN mouth what the score IS.

 

I am soooo sorry you are hurting.....but the truth IS YOU are doing this to yourSELF. HE is NEVER going to come back and say is is sorry OR remorseful..because he is a PIECE OF SH*T....so please please try to

accept this. You cannot change what happened.

 

Acceptance is the first step........but please STOP pitying yourself. it's NOT doing you any favors....

[Ariadne]

Well,

 

I know - but please bear in mind that I find it agonising to think that he dislikes me, hates me and dosent care about me.

 

You were just trying to get him to talk.

 

It just worked that way.

 

Ariadne

[Suny1]

Its like you keep remembering what it was like before D-Day...

No way does it even register yet that there would be any reason

at all that he could hate you. It drives me crazy everytime I think about it. He said he doesn't hate me....and I talked to his W. I believe he just told me what I wanted to hear before we hung up. Talked for an hour and a half. Only a couple minutes out of the whole conversation did I even hear the man I knew. I keep going over it in my mind. He even told me to think of him as the *devil! And hey... I think thats the ONLY thing I believe about him anymore!

 

Just sympathizing with you Stunned... Even when I try to stay busy...it hits me like a lightening bolt and I wanna cry!

We'll make it girl..... keep movin on!

[imstunned]

Ok. Thanks for the replies. I am going to try and take a break from LS. If nothing else then I am going to try and not post. I feel that in my real life the impression from people here is that as it is two months I should be over it. I'm not. It is not a choice. I am not choosing to wallow in it or pity myself.

 

That is why I am getting frustrated. I am doing all the things I should be doing. But its a farce. Going out, looking great, having fun. . .except I am not having fun. I feel totally cut up inside that he is with his wife and not with me. If that makes me a looser too then so be it. I CANNOT help the way I feel.

 

I have told myself a thousand times over that he is a looser, that he dosent love his wife in the way that she deserves, and all of that. But it dosent help. You see I am sure that he does love his wife. And thats what hurts.

 

And remember he did call me and spent 20 minuttes on the phone apologising, saying he was so sorry, that I didnt deserve to be treated like that etc. . .problem is because he is such a liar I didnt believe him.

 

He has totally shattered my trust in men. Its not so easy to bounce back from that.

 

Thanks for all the support, but I'm back to square one again where reading the words is just to hard.

[Cobra_X30]

And remember he did call me and spent 20 minuttes on the phone apologising, saying he was so sorry, that I didnt deserve to be treated like that etc. . .problem is because he is such a liar I didnt believe him.

 

He has totally shattered my trust in men. Its not so easy to bounce back from that.

 

Thanks for all the support, but I'm back to square one again where reading the words is just to hard.

 

You should take whatever time you need to heal!

 

Emotional control is something which is very hard to learn. If you need assistance with this... I will make myself available.

[overandout]

Imstunned,

2 months is no time atall and I don't think that people are telling you that you should be over it.

I havent seen my xmm (as part of the affair) for over a year and I would say that I am just getting over it, in the sense that I have moved on and have let go of what was a fantasy (for me).

 

I think your anger stage is lasting because you have been very hurt and that is only natural. I know that even when people are telling you that the mm is a useless, vile person, it is hard to just stop loving him. You remember him when times were good.

However when my xmm parted company with me in a paricularly hurtful way, I was in turmoil but after many months I started to look at the way he had treated me and the kind of man he is and I decided that I don't want him (he would resume the affair). I could never be happy with him.

 

You will get to that stage too and although you are taking a break from LS I hope you read other posts and see just how traumatic it is being involved in an an affair which ou are experiencing now.

If you are like me, it will make you run a 1000 miles from any mm in the future and that is no bad thing.

Once you accept that this man is bad news, the feelings of love will subside (trust me) and you will not crave him.

 

Good luck, as I can feel your pain.

[marlena]

Stun,

It's been said time and time again. We are all unique individuals and what works for one does not work for another. Each person processes things differently and the time it takes him/her to do so varies considerably. Two months is not at all a lot of time considering what this man has done to you over an expanse of eight months.

 

No one is berating you! Most of us in here really care. Telling someone "Get over it" is really inane and useless advice! People recover from trauma in their own good time.

 

I know it took me months! I too lived through a very similar experience. And I'll let you in on a secret. I am still not over it!! In fact, my trust was so shaken, that I have decided to take a rest from all men and dating! And it's been almost a year!

 

If laying off posting will help you, then, that's what you should do! Just know we will be thinking of you!

 

Marlena

[messylady]

Don't stop posting IS, I don't post here often because I just can't write down what I am going through, but your post's (and many others) seem similar to what I am feeling, so you see although you are hurting you too are helping others... after months of my xmm doing the disapearing act only to reappear and hurt me all over again, (and this has gone on for 4 years), well we finally had the closure conversation, he cant leave his wife but can we be friends etc etc... I too am stunned, after years of passion, promises, dreams.. he told me to let myself dream... suddenly he wants to be a happy family man, I hate him but I love him, I want to hurt him as bad as I hurt but I can't, so I just keep putting one foot infront of the other and keep going, hoping one day I will be able to see the pain he has caused me and stop seeing it all thru rose coloured glasses... anyway I am rambling when all I wanted to say was dont stop posting, this place is a lifeline.... sending hugs xx

[frannie]

I know - I know it dosent make anysense - but he treated me like that as he dosent care about ME. I bet he is being lovely and full of remorse to his wife as he LOVES HER.

 

I'm thinking he must be decent - ditch me so he can re-build his marriage. If he was a scum bag wouldnt he come back? I'm so confused about it all, all over again.

 

How could somebody have a relationship with somebody for 8 months and not give a toss about them? How can men have sex with a woman over that period of time and not develop ANY feeling towards them whatsoever? Why all the 2 hour long phone converstations? i dont get it.

 

imstunned, try this for an explanation. You are trying to interpret his actions (and by implication his feelings), from the point of view of normal human behaviour. But I think there is another way of looking at this:

 

Narcissistic traits:

 

"Feels grandiose and self-important: exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills and personality traits to the point of lying."

 

"Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation."

 

"Is 'interpersonally exploitatitive': i.e. uses other people to achieve their own ends."

 

"Devoid of empathy. Is unable and unwilling to identify with, accept or acknowledge the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities and choices of others."

 

(Based on information from the American Psychological Association).

 

"Narcissists are not evil – they lack the intention to cause harm (mens rea). [they] are simply indifferent, callous and careless in their conduct and in their treatment of others. Their abusive conduct is off-handed and absent-minded, not calculated and premeditated like the psychopath's." ~ Sam Vaknin

[OWoman]

Thanks for all the support, but I'm back to square one again where reading the words is just to hard.

 

Back to square one? No you're not, even if it feels like that right now. You're making progress in leaps and bounds, even if in between you trip over your shoelaces. You've gotten up before and leapt some more, and you'll do it again. You've been through a lot, are going through a lot, and it's neither quick nor easy.

 

I hope you're archiving all of what you write here on LS - you can look back on it and see just how far you've come, both in distance and in nuance.

[stillafool]

IS when I was hurt by a love that deceived me, at first all I could remember were the good things and the good times. I told myself everyday to get over it because he had shown me he loved her and not me by choosing her. Whenever he would creep in my mind I told myself "He doesn't love you he is in love with her". I would cry but I kept saying it because I knew it was the truth. Finally I accepted it and my tears turned to anger. Mostly anger at myself for being so stupid and loving someone more than me. Then I started to see clearly how badly he treated me. That's when I started to heal because I realized I hadn't lost anything good and the best was ahead of me. Give it more time.

[imstunned]

Hi everyone. Thank your for your posts. I dont want to stop posting, and in the very small break I had from posting I have stil been reading like a lunatic.

 

I'm still in the same place - still searching for answers that I dont know exist. I dont seemt to be able to stop thinking about the whole thing. The only thing that I know for sure - is that I wont contact him again. I suppose that is progress.

 

I feel really flat - and dare I admit it I'm bored. Bored stiff. I can totally understand how affairs become so addictive - even though I didnt know I was in one it had a similar pattern of anticipation of seeing him and excitiement and all of that jazz due to the his phoney climbing trips. I'm envious of a friend who has just started an affair wth a married woman!! how nuts is that!! But all I see is his excitiement - its like he is basking in a glow of some rosey light - happy and smiling all the time!! I felt like that - I miss it.

 

Now I am not saying I think he wil ever ever come back, but I would be in trouble if he did. I find myself wondering if he is as bored as I am. And thinking that he must be!! After all = he is in the same situation that led him to have an affair in the first place!

 

I was in a long term relationship before exmm I remember thinking that if that relationship ever ended then i would loose my faith in love.

 

I am currently in doubt that I will ever meet anyone who I experience such a chemistry with - such passion and desire. It was there in bucketloads. With any luck I'll be proved wrong. I simply cannot imagine feeling the way I do about my exmm and to have those feelings returned.

[OpenBook]

I feel really flat - and dare I admit it I'm bored. Bored stiff. I can totally understand how affairs become so addictive - even though I didnt know I was in one it had a similar pattern of anticipation of seeing him and excitiement and all of that jazz due to the his phoney climbing trips. I'm envious of a friend who has just started an affair wth a married woman!! how nuts is that!! But all I see is his excitiement - its like he is basking in a glow of some rosey light - happy and smiling all the time!! I felt like that - I miss it.

 

Yes, everything will be flat and colorless for awhile. (I remember this stage well!) But the colors will gradually creep back in. Just keep moving. That's the key. It's not going to be this way forever.

[whichwayisup]

I feel really flat - and dare I admit it I'm bored. Bored stiff. I can totally understand how affairs become so addictive - even though I didnt know I was in one it had a similar pattern of anticipation of seeing him and excitiement and all of that jazz due to the his phoney climbing trips. I'm envious of a friend who has just started an affair wth a married woman!! how nuts is that!! But all I see is his excitiement - its like he is basking in a glow of some rosey light - happy and smiling all the time!! I felt like that - I miss it.

 

Do something crazy then!!(Within reason..) Create your own excitement and drama by going sky diving or bungee jumping. Give it some thought.

[imstunned]

What I had hoped was a relapse has just become the way I now think.

 

I feel totally confused, and deeply hurt. Still! I really want to go to bed and not have to have him on my mind as I drift off to sleep and on my mind as I wake in the moring. I'm starting to get really angry that I am still feeling like this. I am functioning better - not staying in my bed all day crying etc - managing to focus on other things for a little while, but its all still there.

 

I'm furious that he should have everything and I have nothing. I do foucs on what I have - but off he has trotted back to his wife and it hurts like hell. Its been just over 2 weeks since we last spoke - and my fingers are twitching. I think we had periods of NC while seeing each other when he was pretedning to be up a mountain - so perhaps this is just habit. I KNOW its over. I KNOW i shouldnt want him. I KNOW some of you think badly of me for still wanting him. And I have just relaised that some of you think badly for being the OW - because I contacted him again after discovering he was married!!!!!

 

I'm still just going round and round in circles looking for answers, and I cant find any. Untill I settle on what I think to give myself the answers I need I dont think I can move on. With thoughts of revenge creeping in yet again its just driving me nuts.

[marlena]

I KNOW some of you think badly of me for still wanting him. And I have just relaised that some of you think badly for being the OW - because I contacted him again after discovering he was married!!!!!

 

 

 

No, Stun, we do not think badly of you. We feel empathy for you. Someone misrepresented himself to you and exploited you to no end. You were the victim. How can we think badly of someone who has been so grossly victimized?

 

The time it is taking you to get over this is directly proportional to the enormity of the wrong that this man has done to you.

 

I think what you miss, dear Stun (as I did), is not the man himself but rather the wonderful feeling of having someone in your life. Someone has taken away your joy and happiness and you are overcome with anger as you have a right to be.

 

But, Stun, that person was not real.... neither was the happiness you thought you had.

 

It will take time. Healing takes longer when there is an element of deceit involved.

 

Still, you need to ask yourself, why you would still want someone who has done such a despicable thing to you?

 

Honey, you need to work on yourself.

 

Have you been to counseling?

 

Keep posting. It is therapeutic.

 

I so wish I could change your mindset right now. If that changes, your will alleviate your pain.

[imstunned]

Thanks for replying Marlena. .

 

I too wish you could chanbe my mind set. I just feel very very stuck. I know that really I have come along way, but I am still aksing myself "why" and still cant comprehend that he didnt care for me at all after ALL THAT TIME. I'm still questioning whether the time we spent toghter was real, and still cant get my head around the effort he went to to use me for sex, if I was JUST SEX. Dosent make any sense to me. The more I think about it the less i understand.

 

xx

[OpenBook]

I'm furious that he should have everything and I have nothing.

 

I wouldn't be so sure about that.

 

I'm still just going round and round in circles looking for answers, and I cant find any. Untill I settle on what I think to give myself the answers I need I dont think I can move on. With thoughts of revenge creeping in yet again its just driving me nuts.

 

There she is!!

[marlena]

No, it wasn't just all about sex. It was about the thrill of the chase, the excitement, the taking on a fake persona and dazzling you with it.

 

He probably does not like himself very much if he needs to resort to fake personas to make him feel special or important. His esteem is below zero ...as should be.

 

He knows he is scum.

 

Anmd so does his wife.

 

And now so do you.

 

I'm sorry, Stun, but it's the truth.

[frannie]

I'm still questioning whether the time we spent toghter was real, and still cant get my head around the effort he went to to use me for sex, if I was JUST SEX. Dosent make any sense to me. The more I think about it the less i understand.

 

imstunned, I'm curious. I've put a couple of quotes from websites explaining Narcissistic tendencies on your threads, and to me, they explain not only what my ex did/is, but also your ex's behaviour. What I'm curious about is why you haven't responded to them (even to disagree that that's what was the cause of his behaviour, which is fine!), or why you still say you have 'no explantion' for his behaviour or it still 'doesn't make sense'.

 

I'm wondering (and this might be a stretch, or entirely wrong, so bear with me) whether there is something in you which needs him to have treated you badly, because somewhere inside you're getting a trade-off for this. Perhaps, for example, you feel deep down that men cannot be trusted or will always treat you badly, and that this episode is justifying that belief (and therefore maintaining your world-view). Is there somewhere or some event you've experienced which would have given you this idea about men? Or perhaps you feel that men will always treat you badly because that is what you deserve? i.e. you have a low self-worth and feel that bad treatment will always be your lot in life?

 

Anyway, it's just an idea, based on your continued claiming that there is no explanation for his behaviour. Obviously there is a potential explanation, it's just we don't know whether it's true or not. I would have thought that accepting that explanation would end your pain and confusion, and I'm puzzled why you don't seem to want to address it?

 

Here is marlena saying the same thing, about the fake persona, which is a characteristic of Narcissistic tendencies.

 

No, it wasn't just all about sex. It was about the thrill of the chase, the excitement, the taking on a fake persona and dazzling you with it.

 

He probably does not like himself very much if he needs to resort to fake personas to make him feel special or important. His esteem is below zero ...as should be.

 

He knows he is scum.

 

Anmd so does his wife.

 

And now so do you.

 

I'm sorry, Stun, but it's the truth.