Em Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 I'm writing in hope that someone can tell me if/what I'm doing wrong. In four months, I'm going to be getting married - I hope. I love my fiance very much, but his parents are almost too much for me to handle. I have been tempted to call off the wedding because I simply cannot live this way for the rest of my life. His mother is trying to control aspects of the wedding that she is not paying for and now his father has jumped on the bandwagon. From the very beginning, his mother has been a problem. When we first told her we were getting married, she flipped out about not having enough time to plan a wedding--at that time we had 10 months. Since, she has "subtly" hinted about not liking my colors. She has said countless negative things to me about her son. She has insisted that her 14-year-old daughter be my bridesmaid, even though I barely know the girl and had to elminate one of my friends to put her in. I know the rehearsal dinner is paid for my the groom's family, and therefore they should have some say in it. However, the groom and I want to have it at the place where we had our first date. We offered to pay the difference in price from the place where they want to hold it. I thought this would be a reasonable offer. This is where the father enters the picture. His father says that the dinner will not be where we want it because he does not like the restaurant. In addition, told my fiance that if we're having all these problems now, they'll only be worse after we get married. He told him that he would enjoy for my fiance to go through worse than he did in his own marriage. I can't imagine any loving father saying such things to his son. Both of his parents think that I need to lighten up - that I'm the one causing the problems. My fiance disagrees. We've had few serious arguments that don't involve his parents and the wedding. I'm afraid that if we concede to her, she will try to nose her way in on more important issues like how we raise our kids. So what's the deal? Am I really stubborn and gripy, or am I being taken advantage of by petty future in-laws? Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Elope...and leave them all with their jaws hanging! You can use the money you save for an extended honeymoon FAR away from the in-laws! Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 Hi, What are the chances that your Mom could stick her nose in things? also, what are the chances that one of your bridesmaids could bring up a "mother-in-law" meddling story at the wedding-shower? Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 good one, bubbles! enigma has a very good point when she brings up the alternative of eloping with your fiancé. Saves money that can be used for a nice reception AT THE PLACE OF YOUR CHOICE and a honeymoon to boot. If there's a question of it needing to be a church wedding for sacramental purposes, well ... if there are no impediments, you can always get your marriage blessed afterwards. if you're intent on having a traditional wedding, expect everyone to put in their two cents even though it's your affair! (the second half of "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" deals with this, the bride doesn't get to pick her invitations, pick her bridesmaids' dresses, limit her guest list, etc.) Just put your foot down, tell your prospective in-laws that X is the restaurant you and your hubby-to-be have decided on, and if they'd like, they can chip in to help cover costs. End of discussion. Otherwise, you're going to be railroaded into trying to keep everyone but yourself happy. a bit of advice -- if a job offer or transfer comes up where you're away from both families, even if for just a couple of years, grab it. There are no nosy family members to tell you how to live your marriage! best of luck, kiddo, and don't let the monster-in-law win! quank disclaimer: Not all women make bad mothers-in-law .... Link to post Share on other sites
luvmyboys Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 I think your fiance needs to get some backbone and tell Mommy and Daddy that this is HIS and YOUR Wedding and you'll do it the way you will plan! I know that sounds harsh, but if you're having problems like this even before the wedding, it will only get worse if the two of you are not allowed to make the normal decisions in a marriage without hassles from his parents. Just remember, you're married for a loooonnnnngggg time and if you want this to work, be absolutely sure that the time is right and with the right man especially if you've had serious arguments that don't involve his parents. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted May 28, 2003 Share Posted May 28, 2003 yep, you've got to set those boundaries early, just like in any other relationship you develop. Link to post Share on other sites
Lila Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 You need to put your in-laws in their place NOW or it will only get worse. It is YOUR wedding and is supposed to be YOUR day. It's nice that people want to help you plan and pay, but they should not have the right to push you around. By the way, your in-laws are guests at the wedding. They need to show you some respect. I would not put your in-laws daughter, who you barely know, in your wedding. The bridesmaids should all be BRIDESmaids, not mother-in-law-maids. Pick who you want. By the way, you might consider getting married in the bahamas or going on a cruise. Just invite some close friends to go on the cruise with you to celebrate and leave mother and father in law behind. Link to post Share on other sites
Gray Posted June 3, 2003 Share Posted June 3, 2003 I feel like a hypocrite posting here, since I am not married, but what does your fiance' say about all of this? Have you discussed it with him? Link to post Share on other sites
cmb Posted July 8, 2003 Share Posted July 8, 2003 Em, Hi...I don't know how long ago your message was posted, but when I saw it, I had to reply. My husband and I just got married 3 days ago (and we are happy to be that!), but believe me, I understand all too well what you are going through. When he and I got engaged over a year ago, I was ready soon after to start planning the ceremony. But, I had no clue what to do and kept trying to get his mom to help me (please, don't ask me about my mom--she drives me bonkers, LOL), but she never really did anything at the time, so I just put it aside for awhile. And then he and I ran into financial trouble big time and our plans for a formal ceremony had to be put on hold. His parents were great about helping us out financially and I will always be grateful to them for it. I told his mom that we would just have a simple ceremony in front of the Justice of the Peace and then when we could afford it, have the ceremony we really wanted. I told her this several times. Well, about a month before our planned wedding day is when she decided to jump in and help us plan. Only, she didn't just help, she took over. And there wasn't a whole lot I could say because they were paying for it (hey, like I said, we had planned to do just a simple ceremony in front of the judge so that the expenses would be small). We had absolutely no say in the wedding cake (she ordered it and then told us), and I got guilt-tripped into choosing my matron of honor (I won't even get into the skirt she chose to wear...) when my original choice couldn't make it. Don't get me wrong, the ceremony went better than we thought it would, but we still would have been much happier if we had more input. His parents are renewing their vows next year, which I think is great for them (she told me many times how her wedding wasn't what she wanted it to be--hence why I don't understand why she wasn't more sympathetic to my/our desires), but at the same time I'm very resentful because they are having the ceremony we wanted to have (in the same location/state). I love my in-laws (more than my own family) and again I am grateful for everything they've done for us. We would be living out of our car if not for them. So, that's why I feel I'm not able to express my feelings to them, because I don't want to seem ingrateful or rude (his mom threw a major hissy when I asked her to stop picking on me about my hair--I like it short, she'd rather I have it long). So, I'm not really sure what kind of advice to offer you. I *wish* I had gone looking for this board prior to our wedding because I probably would have been asking the same questions as you. Carin Link to post Share on other sites
Angel Posted July 13, 2003 Share Posted July 13, 2003 NO NONSENSE APPROACH TO WEDDING 1. Only responsible independent adults should be allowed to marry. 2. Responsible adults don't ask for money, don't expect any money. 3. You want your wedding a certain way, you pay for it. 4. Invite your family to YOUR wedding AFTER it has been planned. 5. Polite and loving people will respect what you have selected for a venue, cake, music, etc. 6. Only invite polite and loving people to your wedding. 7. Enjoy your wedding day. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts