Blast from the past

[Foxxie]

During my early twenties (early thirties now), I had a relationship with someone much older. It was a very intense sexual relationship. It was scary, exciting, confusing and unbelievable. I can't even begin to go into all the details but nevertheless, it has been my most impressive relationship and one that will always stay with me. I'm married now and yes, I'm happy, but I have never had the same passion-driven relationship that I had once with this man with my husband or anyone else for that matter.

 

This man from my past, haunts my dreams and comes into my mind every now and then and with a vengance. I search my deepest inner feelings and I know I still love him very much. Although we have grown away and are living separate lives now, I know that I love him as much as my husband and if we were living in the same state, would find it extremely difficult not to have an affair with him. I have incredible fantasies of meeting up with him someday and get really turned on by how they play out.

 

My frustration is this, I have lost touch with him and can't speak to him, but feel the need to desparately. I just want to say hello, how are you, I still think of you, remember when....I will always love you and I hope you are happy....etc....etc...

 

I'll be fine for weeks at a time even months, he doesn't even come to my mind, but when he does, he consumes every part of me and my thoughts and I have these intense dreams of me trying to get in touch with him and all the obstacles are in the way and visions of him running away from me....it's really overwhelming how intense some of these dreams have become. I wake up in a sweat and depending how the dream is, I feel those same emotions for the next 2 days.

 

I think the more time that passes without my being able to get in touch with him, creates these real crazy dreams and I just want to be able to talk with him and put it to rest. I would be soooooooo satisfied and content with just a telephone call.

 

I've gone so far as to look in the white pages for relatives and call the relatives to ask if they can get a message to him. One of them didn't think to kindly of my call and hasn't spoken to him in several years. The other was very friendly and said hadn't talked with him since he was 12! but would try to help me by asking other family members for a current # and passing my phone # to him.

 

You see, it's much deeper than what you're reading here. He's been involved in a lawsuit that keeps him secluded and unreachable. He has connections beyond connections if you know what I mean. He's around, and if I know him, he's living a wealthy life, but it's near impossible to try to call him.

 

What should I do? Should I just drop it and hope that someday, his relative that said would try to help me would get the message to him....or should I continue to search on my own. I have other means of trying to get a message to him, but those connections are not as reliable and could open a can of worms.

 

I want to share my complete story with someone interested....it could even make for a great movie. I feel it's somewhat therapeutic.

[quankanne]

what's in the past should be kept in the past, I say. While you might have these yearnings about the guy, remember they're built on your fantasies of him, not on anything solid.

 

even if you were to contact him, and thus able to share what you feel, there's not a guarantee that he feels the same. On the off-chance that he's still harboring wild desires for you, would it make you feel better knowing that you'd then have to decide whether to be faithful to your marriage or to hook up with him? And would it be worth it? Even if nothing goes according to your fantasies of him?

 

frankly, you're looking at a big "what if" that would most likely turn into a can of worms if you pursued this fantasy. Just keep him in your daydreams and leave it at that.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm married now and yes, I'm happy,

 

LOL...So who are you trying to convince, Foxxie? Us, or yourself??

 

Of course we all hold a nostalgic memory of our first love. Because our hormones were running amuck and puppy love was so new, we often remember it as being far more than it really was. But some things from our past are better left there.

 

And I can't help but wonder how your husband would feel if he knew you were desperately trying to make contact and/or were "obsessed" with a past lover.

 

Always think about the repercussions of your actions FIRST. Try to picture how you would feel if the situation were reversed.

 

Is it worth risking the loss of your "happy" (e-hem) marriage to pursue a pipe dream? And what happen's when you find out that childhood boyfriend is no longer the person you have kept alive in your fantasies?

 

You could end up ALONE with nothing to comfort you but regret.

[Foxxie]

Ok....thanks for your replies. I should first say that in previous phone calls, we both said the same thing to each other...we would never forget our special time together and that we held a special place in our hearts for each other...no matter where our lives take us to.

 

I've mentioned it to my husband and he knows that I have strong feelings for this man. It is possible for us to love more than one person at the same time. The difference is--is that I'm not having a physical affair with this man from the past. Yes, it would be difficult to not try if we lived in the same state; but, that's not the case. My husband knows everything. I don't need to convince myself if I'm "happy" I said it because most people assume that "oh, she must not be happy if she's got someone else on her mind"....not so with me. I am very secure with my feelings and it's not a matter of convincing myself.

 

If I ever did have an affair with him, my marriage would be over, it's been discussed with my husband. I agree, it's been some time since our "fling" and he was already much older than I was at that time. I highly doubt I would be sexually attracted to him at this age (he's probably in his 50's now).

 

I'm just really sad that I can't pick up the phone to talk to this man that I care very much for. I miss him and it's nothing more than just that.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Infidelity, where marriage is concerned, doesn't begin and end with having "sex." Whether you're having a physical affair or not, legally you could be forfeiting your marriage.

 

What is infidelity?

 

Infidelity occurs whenever a person engages in a relationship with another that violates these characteristics of marriage. This happens when the new relationship results in a breakdown of trust; develops intimacy with another that belongs in the marriage; when experiences are shared with the new person that become more important than the shared experiences in the marriage. Infidelity can occur without sex. Simply stated, marriage is a commitment to seek mutual fulfillment, to make your own satisfaction contingent on your spouse’s. The first steps taken when infidelity occurs are 1) to decide to seek fulfillment through someone else and, 2) to decide to do this secretly. In a sense, whatever a person decides to give to a new partner outside the marriage is taken from his or her spouse: time, money, special experiences, confidences, or intimacies. A person might experience a similar sense of betrayal if their spouse becomes compulsively involved in alcohol, work, or various activities. In these cases, the element of secrecy is usually not as devastating, and there is not another person alienating the spouse from the marriage.

[Foxxie]

oh boy....I'll remember that, but that really doesn't matter to us seeing that my husband and I have our own rules when it comes to crossing the line in our marriage.

 

But thank you for the ruling of what constitutes infedility in your opinion.

 

easy now...like I said, I'm just bummed out I can't reach the guy.

[EnigmaXOXO]

http://www.1to1help.net/relationship/infidelity.shtml

[midori]

You said that you and this older man shared unprecedented passion that you haven't had since. And you miss that. OK, you miss that passion. It was probably built upon particulars: maybe you two were very experimental, maybe you broke taboos, maybe you had heated debates that turned quickly into physical passion. Whatever. There were reasons that can be separated from the person himself. And it's those things that you miss.

 

Obviously no one person is going to perfectly fulfill your every need. You can't expect that your husband is going to be all that your former lover was; just as your old flame couldn't be all of the things that your husband is to you. But perhaps if you identify some of the specific things that fueld your passion with your ex, you can determine whether or not that's something you could cultivate with your husband.

 

Yes, it's possible to love more than one person. But when you're in a committed relationship you're not showing much integrity by deliberately nurturing ties to someone else that you love(d). You surely understand that. You find yourself haunted by your old lover -- but that doesn't mean it's him you need to bring back into your life. Perhaps it's some of the things he represented to you. He was older: was he also wealthier and of higher status than you? Maybe you miss having that in your life. Whatever.

 

If you figure out what your real motives are, you can better decide what to do. E.g., if after thinking about things you realize that it was your ex's money and prestige that attracted you so much, and that's what you still crave, you'll have to decide whether money and prestige are more important than your marriage and love with your husband. Or figure out a way for you and your husband to become millionaires.

 

You need to be scrupulously honest with yourself about what's really going on and what your real motives are.

[Foxxie]

ok...shoot me...I loose, you win.

 

 

Congratulations, you have successfully accused me of "infedility" I will break the news to my husband and file for divorce.

 

THANKS!!!!

[EnigmaXOXO]

No one here is accusing you of anything, Foxxie. You asked for input and we "regulars" here are as honest as we can be. We're not here to anger anyone...simply to save them from themselves!

 

And Midori has done you a great honor by responding to your post. She's one of the most intelligent, articulate, individuals that has ever graced this forum.

 

As a matter of fact, I'll be scheduling time on her couch if I ever find I need someone to talk to!

[Foxxie]

thank you thank you I am so grateful for your advice.

 

Midori, just so you know, I'm very financially secure and my husband is very successful. I live the exact same lifestyle with my husband as I did with my old friend.

 

It's not about the prestige. This story is deeper than just what you've read.

 

I am just bummed out that I can't reach the guy to say hello.

 

I probably wrote more than what I should have about all the passion.....excitement.....blah blah blah

 

Fantasies are fantasies....we all have them. No I will not pursue a physical affair, unless I want my marriage to end.

 

I'm just bummed out that I can't reach the guy to say hello.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Well...if your feeling "bummed" and need to talk with someone about this situation, why not confide in your husband?

 

If he's as aware and open about this whole thing as you claim, than perhaps he would be happy to help you make contact with your friend. Or at least offer you a shoulder to cry on.

 

After all, that's what relationships and marriages are all about...the ability to support each other and share your feelings and emotions.

 

I'm sure you're husband would be more than willing to help you pursue your dreams...

[midori]

I was just offering some examples of what might be so appealing in your old lover, no assumptions were made about your economic/social status. The same principle applies no matter what your bond to the ex was based upon.

 

If you were both avid ornithologists, perhaps you should pick up your binoculars again and ask your husband to join you in seeking rare birds. If you and your ex sometimes took spontaneous roadtrips in the middle of the night and drove until you ran out of gas, maybe you could try that with your husband. Figure out what it is you're missing. Just because you're not with this ex anymore doesn't mean you have to forego the things you're missing. Chances are you can cultivate them to some extent with your husband.