Conversation with a cheater

[Cobra_X30]

What is common is listening to the guys that cheated in any way, be it EA or PA, say that they just weren't thinking about the consequences at all. And for it not to be a cop-out. And it has nothing to do with whether they love the spouse or the OP. Its only what was on their minds and in their hearts - in the moment.

 

A man can have feelings for two women at once, just as the opposite is true.

 

Sometimes a person who is doing something wrong, like having an affair, is able to compartmentalize. They are able to separate themselves and basically live in two different worlds.

 

This may be how MM or MW who still love their spouses are able to have sex with another person without thinking about what they are risking. Just a thought.

 

We all compartmentalize to a degree. It's simply a defence mechanism. I do this better than anyone, its part of how I turn my emotions on and off so easy sometimes.

 

However... It is an active choice to do this. Even the most hardened soldiers have to mentally prepare for battle this way... by compartmentalizing thier fears and anxiety.

 

It doesnt mean you cant understand the consequences of your actions... It means that you choose to ignore them! Does that make sense?

 

 

In fact, I remember asking him if he thought of me at all when he was speaking with his co-worker. He said "No, not at all. Just thinking about what I wanted/expected from the encounter." I am sure others won't see that this was just a conversation and nothing mean about his answer since they don't know him, but it was insightful for me. It wasn't about me. It was about him. And she was neatly away in a box when he was at home. If he hadn't started telling me strange things, I wouldn't have suspected him of sharing his innermost feelings with someone else.

 

So, yeah, I can see the compartmentalizing thing. Its just not something I do personally, though.

 

The same applies here. He chose not to consider what may happen, for the sole reason he did not feel that he would be caught. Otherwise he would not have chosen to place his feelings for you in a little box in the corner of his heart.

 

My point is simply that I want to increase your understanding. Because I do this alot and I know how and why it works.

[White Flower]

A man can have feelings for two women at once, just as the opposite is true.

 

 

 

We all compartmentalize to a degree. It's simply a defence mechanism. I do this better than anyone, its part of how I turn my emotions on and off so easy sometimes.

 

However... It is an active choice to do this. Even the most hardened soldiers have to mentally prepare for battle this way... by compartmentalizing thier fears and anxiety.

 

It doesnt mean you cant understand the consequences of your actions... It means that you choose to ignore them! Does that make sense?

 

 

 

The same applies here. He chose not to consider what may happen, for the sole reason he did not feel that he would be caught. Otherwise he would not have chosen to place his feelings for you in a little box in the corner of his heart.

 

My point is simply that I want to increase your understanding. Because I do this alot and I know how and why it works.

It is really awesome that you share the workings of a man's mind with us. I have read that men have the ability to "choose to ignore" certain feelings at a given time like you describe. Perhaps this is the reason that so many MM enjoy the benefits without as much pain as the OW because we are so inclusive with our emotions whereas they can set one emotion aside, for example we can feel the sadness of missing him even when we're with him. I know that may not sound like it makes sense, but it does. About an hour or so before MM and I depart I am already mourning the fact that he will be leaving and I won't see him for another week or two.

[NoIDidn't]

My point is simply that I want to increase your understanding. Because I do this alot and I know how and why it works.

 

And so do I. Thanks for your clarification, Cobra. My H and the MC did a really good job of clarifying it for me before.

 

I know it does not justify what went down, but I do understand how the consequences really weren't considered. Like you said, we all do it to some degree. And we all, sometimes, choose not to think of the consequences to our actions. But....that has nothing to do with the value we place on things. Only with our own selfishness and desire for gratification no matter the cost to us or others.

 

Its not really a lack of values judgment. Its a lack of judgment, judgment. IMO anyway.

[NoIDidn't]

About an hour or so before MM and I depart I am already mourning the fact that he will be leaving and I won't see him for another week or two.

 

That's interesting. I think the MM doesn't mourn leaving because he looks forward to coming back. He's probably even thinking about how he will arrange for that next meeting when leaving.

 

Interesting...

[Cobra_X30]

I know that may not sound like it makes sense, but it does. About an hour or so before MM and I depart I am already mourning the fact that he will be leaving and I won't see him for another week or two.

 

My male ancestors had to fight for resources. Often that meant slaying other humans. Compartmentalizing is partly a genetic legacy of something that is required to win battles... IMHO.

 

But....that has nothing to do with the value we place on things. Only with our own selfishness and desire for gratification no matter the cost to us or others.

 

Its not really a lack of values judgment. Its a lack of judgment, judgment. IMO anyway.

 

That is a tough one to answer. Look, I'm reasonably sure he mentally did a risk vs. benefit assessment before acting.

 

That's interesting. I think the MM doesn't mourn leaving because he looks forward to coming back. He's probably even thinking about how he will arrange for that next meeting when leaving.

 

Interesting...

 

True. But men are more likely influenced by positive feedback. Meaning men can often ignore negative consequences in persuit of that one positive outcome.

[NoIDidn't]

Look, I'm reasonably sure he mentally did a risk vs. benefit assessment before acting.

 

 

You are likely correct. But he probably decided in the end that it was at work and I don't work with him or have any reason to know her, so I wouldn't have found out. As in, he didn't think he'd get caught.

 

So in his mind, there wasn't much risk to actually getting caught. And benefit was really tied to whether or not she responded to his advances - subtle or not. LOL.

 

Like I said, I had no real reason to suspect. So his risk/bennies assessment was closer to right than wrong.

 

ETA - doing an assessment of benefits doesn't necessarily mean that he was thinking logically either. He did what he could with the information he believed to be accurate at the time (I didn't value him, or so he thought).

[silktricks]

My male ancestors had to fight for resources. Often that meant slaying other humans. Compartmentalizing is partly a genetic legacy of something that is required to win battles... IMHO.

 

 

True. But men are more likely influenced by positive feedback. Meaning men can often ignore negative consequences in persuit of that one positive outcome.

 

This sounds exactly like what my H said to me. All he considered at the time was that he wanted to continue getting the positive strokes from someone who obviously liked him. He didn't consider what he could lose in the long run until after he realized that he didn't want any more contact with her.

 

His description of what occurred with her was that he used her for what he wanted until he didn't want it anymore, and then he said good-bye.

[cj1988]

Not offense to ALL men, but WOMEN are the ones that take care of kids, work, bills, house everything....but men get bored and cant handle the everyday family life, what BS is that ! We are the ones that need a f---- break from the everyday life and them, but most of US do not, we love our family too much to hurt them !

[michelangelo]

It is really awesome that you share the workings of a man's mind with us. I have read that men have the ability to "choose to ignore" certain feelings at a given time like you describe. Perhaps this is the reason that so many MM enjoy the benefits without as much pain as the OW because we are so inclusive with our emotions whereas they can set one emotion aside, for example we can feel the sadness of missing him even when we're with him. I know that may not sound like it makes sense, but it does. About an hour or so before MM and I depart I am already mourning the fact that he will be leaving and I won't see him for another week or two.

 

My wife cheated on me for two years and wass able to do that trick just as easily as described in this thread. That "skill" is not a male skill, it is a cheater's skill. No affermative action needed to get into that club.

[reboot]

Not offense to ALL men, but WOMEN are the ones that take care of kids, work, bills, house everything....

Yet another generalized statement with little or no bearing on reality. This may be the way it is at YOUR house, it's certainly not the way it is at EVERY house. Not even close to how it is at MY house.

[cj1988]

Reboot, you are correct, that is how it is at my H and I did not cheat, he did.....see the point. I am so tired of everyone TRYING to make excuses for cheating, there are no excuses ever for a cheater.....

[heftysmurf]

My wife asked for more help. I have helped more but I do A LOT. My wife works nights so I am responsible for the snacks, the baths, the bedtime story etc. every weeknight. I work full time as well and she part time. I do all the bigger projects at home as well. We I believe are closer to 50/50 than most. I wish nobody had to do dishes laundry etc but it is a fact of life. You have no need to do that if you are a cheater. You only have the fun part of the relationship with no work. Must be nice.

[cj1988]

Hello Hefty, you are the bomb. Hell my H does not even pick up his own clothes nor clean them, does not cook or clean or get groceries......he does not even come home to his son everyday, real winner huh?

 

Now, that I see what he is, I am way better off alone !

[heftysmurf]

You sound like somebody that would appreciate my efforts. You sound super as well! I am way beyond in love with my daughter and would never jeopardize anything with her. I value every minute with her. I am with her as much as I can be. In 2 years 8 months I have spent a grand total of 1 night away on Valentine's day 07.

 

Life is not all fun. Their is work involved as well. I do it because I love my family. It is not "work" to me. It is things I need to do for them and us.

[cj1988]

Thank you, I am a good mother and a good person and HE can never take that away from me. If and when I do leave him HIS son will be with me, I am not his mother, but I am if you know what I mean....I have raised him the last 13 years and mone who just left for college......As long as I have their love, I need no other !

 

The only true love a person can ever feel is their children, that I know !

[heftysmurf]

I was blind however. Their was an aspect missing in our relationship. Everybody who was betrayed would have done ANYTHING to avoid this. That's how much I loved.

I believe TRUE love is their. It is VERY hard to find. I hope I have found it and it will come back but I need to go on stronger than ever before any way my life goes.

[Mz. Pixie]

Reboot, you are correct, that is how it is at my H and I did not cheat, he did.....see the point. I am so tired of everyone TRYING to make excuses for cheating, there are no excuses ever for a cheater.....

 

 

Your H is beyond cheating. He has had an incestual relationship with his half sister- this makes him twisted mentally. This is a whole different level than the plain ole affair. IMO, I wouldn't even allow my children to be around him after this- but that's just me.

 

There are no excuses for cheaters, however, there are conditions which can be in place in a marriage that makes the marriage vulnerable to an affair. I'm not talking about you CJ because only someone really whacked mentally would have an affair with his half sister. I'm talking about in alot of cases. Not all, but some.