Having a really, really hard time forgiving.

[zilverenvlinder]

Sorry if this is long, but I'm having a really hard time here.

 

So, my fiance cheated on me back in July with the same nasty person, twice that I know about, perhaps more. I completely repressed it, even forgot about it, and listened as he called her and told her he'd never speak to her again. Then, we moved into an apartment together, me having totally forgiven him.

 

Of course, I have checked his phone and his e-mail for the last four months. No signs. Nothing wrong. About a month ago, I stopped, because I trusted him finally enough to stop spying.

 

Then, we went to the bar last week with our friends. And I've never seen this skank in person, so I didn't REALLY know what she looked like, but all of a sudden, a FEELING washed over me, and I knew she was there.

 

He told me she was there after I figured it out on my own. I saw her. She disgusts me. I'm not trying to be cocky or vain, but she just looks like crap.

 

So, if you've ever been cheated on, I can imagine how you would feel in that situation. I slammed my drink, and started going absolutely insane. He held onto my arm and wouldn't let me go, because I told him I was going to find her (in the crowded bar) and slam my shoe heel in her forehead. My head was absolutely spinning.

 

So I got really angry, and told him I was leaving, and that he should just stay behind with his girlfriend. Of course, he didn't, and told me I was being a psycho, which I was. We got back home, and I lunged at him. He told me he was leaving me and I told him to go ahead. He calmed down and talked it over with me.

 

So, yesterday, I had another feeling. I checked his email again. He had skipped over a ton of emails and read only hers and one other one, but didn't reply. Yes, she sent him an email. It was very desperate sounding, said something like, "Why are you in a relationship with someone you don't love and who controls you?!"

 

This bitch has been after him for four months, and he hasn't even spoken to her!

 

So of course, I went off on him about THAT, and again he told me he would leave me if I didn't stop, because he'd done nothing wrong. Then he started crying and calmed down again.

 

I know, I'm going crazy. But for the last week he has just been so mean to me, after that night at the bar! And he gets SO ANGRY that I can't trust him! He told me I had to forgive him and trust him, but it's SO hard!

 

I've thought about EVERYTHING to resolve this. I thought about cheating on him back, and didn't. I thought about leaving him, and haven't.

 

So, here's the situation. I don't have any friends. I live in a very expensive townhouse that I can only afford to pay half the rent. Half of this furniture is mine and half is his. The lease is not up until next July.

 

I'm just thinking about letting him go. I still feel that he lies to me, and I can't take it. If anyone has a solution for me, I would appreciate it.

 

<3 z

[bish]

As someone who found out about a cheating fiancee years after we were married...I can say with all conviction...DUMP THIS CHEATING JERK!

 

There is no way you are going to trust him again. I mean really...are you going to marry a guy that stuck it to another woman while you were wearing his engagement ring?

 

Dump him and move on. Once a cheater always a cheater...I don't care what anyone says about that.

 

And just to play devil's advocate for the people that said they change...I'd make a guess that only 5% of all cheaters really make a change.....so do you really want to play lottery with your life and take the chance that he may be in a minute 5%? I sure the hell wouldn't.

 

But good luck....I know where you are coming from.

[Leia]

So, my fiance cheated on me back in July with the same nasty person, twice that I know about, perhaps more.

 

So, if you've ever been cheated on, I can imagine how you would feel in that situation.

 

So I got really angry, and told him I was leaving, and that he should just stay behind with his girlfriend. Of course, he didn't, and told me I was being a psycho, which I was. We got back home, and I lunged at him. He told me he was leaving me and I told him to go ahead. He calmed down and talked it over with me.

 

So, yesterday, I had another feeling. I checked his email again. He had skipped over a ton of emails and read only hers and one other one, but didn't reply. Yes, she sent him an email. It was very desperate sounding, said something like, "Why are you in a relationship with someone you don't love and who controls you?!"

 

again he told me he would leave me if I didn't stop, because he'd done nothing wrong. Then he started crying and calmed down again.

 

I know, I'm going crazy. But for the last week he has just been so mean to me, after that night at the bar! And he gets SO ANGRY that I can't trust him! He told me I had to forgive him and trust him, but it's SO hard!

 

I've thought about EVERYTHING to resolve this. I thought about cheating on him back, and didn't. I thought about leaving him, and haven't.

 

So, here's the situation. I don't have any friends. I live in a very expensive townhouse that I can only afford to pay half the rent. Half of this furniture is mine and half is his. The lease is not up until next July.

 

I'm just thinking about letting him go. I still feel that he lies to me, and I can't take it. If anyone has a solution for me, I would appreciate it.

 

<3 z

 

Find a roomie and get him the hell out of the townhouse! If he loved you, he wouldn't be mean toward you! I have been cheated on... I know how you feel... you know how I felt... so leave him already!

[whichwayisup]

So of course, I went off on him about THAT, and again he told me he would leave me if I didn't stop, because he'd done nothing wrong. Then he started crying and calmed down again.

 

I know, I'm going crazy. But for the last week he has just been so mean to me, after that night at the bar! And he gets SO ANGRY that I can't trust him! He told me I had to forgive him and trust him, but it's SO hard!

 

So, basically he is turning this on you, feels YOU should forgive HIM and get over it. Well, it certainly seems he isn't doing much to make you feel secure, loved, let alone make himself LOOK trustworthy. I mean, he should be blocking her from his email.

 

Listen to your gut. The bottomline is, whatever trust you had in him is gone and I doubt very much you're going to get it back because of HIS crappy attitude. From what you've said he doesn't seem regretful, let alone full of remorse from his cheating on you.

[truckdriving]

the first thing I would do would be to try and calm down. Then sit down with him and tell him, calmly, what is bothering you. If he gets angry again remain calm. Just remember that your concerns are justified and if he really loves you then he will listen to what you have to say. I would think about it a few days before you make any huge decisions, but dont stay with him just because you dont have any where else to go. I've been on the other side of this, I never cheated on my girl though, and I did everything my girl wanted me to do because I love her. Just remember the most important thing is remain calm and dont make any rash decisions that you might regret later

[sally4sara]

Well, it doesn't sound like enough time as gone by for you to have truly moved on from this. Since he is the one who cheated, he needs to understand that he cannot make you put this behind you any faster just to make his life easier. And it stands to reason that if you haven't completely gotten over this, having to see her or know she is back in your atmosphere in anyway will cause a set back. Its great that he didn't respond. Beyond his not responding, what else could he do to help you deal with this set back? But you need to understand too that if you really want to work past this, he cannot control what bar she decides to go to. Getting mad at him about it isn't going to make sense to him because he couldn't have done anything to prevent it. The two of you should've left immediately. The best way to get in through to her that its done and over with is to not deal with her at all. Flipping out in a public place where she can see it gives her an excuse to contact him.

You said he told her to leave him alone. You said he had kept his word long enough that you began to relax and stop monitoring him.

Here is where the hmmmmms come in. You'd never seen her before the night at the bar. Can you put your finger on how you just KNEW she was there? That might be the answer to why you flipped out so bad. Was it his behavior? His body language? Did she approach him? Did he approach her? If he realized she was there before you did and suggested you both go elsewhere, would you feel better about that night?

[spooty]

leave him!! he's a creep!

 

you are under no obligation to forgive anyone for anything. whoever said "forgive and forget" was destined to be taken advantage of!

 

the other woman is in that position that you as the fiancee cannot fight. if you are cool and "trust" him then you are enabling his bad behaviour, if you say something about it then you're labeled insecure and she'll use that as a reason to call you controlling and psycho, when in reality it's her that's controlling and manipulating his feelings about you!

 

you don't have to forgive him, ever. who says you have to? but you would GREATLY benefit from leaving him, even if he still lives there until july, i'd cut out as much contact as possible, keep your things (other than furniture) separate and keep your door closed to keep the distance.

 

men love bitches who stand up for themselves, they use doormats who forgive and forget every transgression. think of yourself now (because he sure as heck was not thinking of you before) what do you want? how much better could your life be without him?

if you want him in your life, or he really tries to get you back, then do it with the condition of counseling. you deserve it, and he deserves the shame of revealing it.

[lovelorcet]

Walk away... You have lost a lot of your dignity and only stand to lose more.

 

Just walk away, it is as simple as that.

[coffeecup]

I agree with others here said that you should calmly tell him how you feel. Perhaps wait until you are out somewhere together in a public place like a coffee shop (it'll keep things reasonable). I totally also think it's normal to be frustrated and super angry. And DO NOT let him belittle your feelings! EVER!

Personally, I don't think you have to forgive him either--or even accept it. You may come to a point where you can live with it--but that's totally your call.

 

I'd say give your self a few days, weeks, whatever works for you, to think about it--and if you still few super angry (for me, it's like a wound that just feels raw all the time), then maybe you should look for another roommate. You are should never feel stuck in a situation. There are always options, for example: check your lease, perhaps you can get him to pay a lease-break fee --maybe 1 month's rent?-- if you guys decide to move out. Anyone, I hope you find some peace.