Unhappily Married

[sweet_31_woman]

My husband and I met 13 years ago. I was pregnant shortly theeafter. We were married when our son was one and one half, and later had two more children. He is an alcoholic but is now trying to stop drinking. We have also shared our bed with another man before (more than one) and he seemed to enjoy it more than i. He has told me before while being drunk that he is bi or gay. He now (sober) says it was a phase and that he is not, but continues to act on this when drinking. I am somewhat embarrassed by this ( he has hit on family) and I don't believe I love him the way that I am supposed to. I resent the fact that he has wanted to share me and has "made" me share myself with his friends, he says he regrets it too now...but still. He continues to love me and is trying to everything in his power to keep me, but still, I am not happy. How do I convince him It's Over and I need him to leave, that I am not in love with him. How do I get a divorce and hurt him. I love him...just not the way I should. I would leave, but three kids, nowhere to go, and I run a home business. Any help?

[tommyr]

He is an alcoholic but is now trying to stop drinking.

 

Is he in a recovery program, like AA? Alcoholism is a family disease and most likely YOU TOO need some form of treatment. Have you ever been to Al Anon? Google for a local directory of Al Anon meetings - I bet there is one at 8:30pm tonight within 5 miles of you.

 

You are probably thinking "that has nothing to do with my question How do I get a divorce ". You would be surprised just how much effect his drinking has upon you - and it may be a good idea to check this out before making a major decision like divorce. Did not sound like there was any physical abuse going on (in which case LEAVE NOW) so why not investigate the possibility that if you both start recovering from the effects of alcoholism, maybe you could be happily married?

[sumdude]

The alcoholism is one issue... the sexual side of things, not sure what to say. He seems to have some question as to his orientation if I read this right. Drinking reduces his inhibitions and things come out.

 

As far as going along with something you didn't want to do that he possibly forced on you?

 

You should get some counciling .. and so should he. This is some pretty heavy stuff and something a professional would be better able to help with.

[Gunny376]

The drinking IMHO, goes hand in hand with the "guilt" of his sexual orietation? Life and society says your suppose to be "A" but your "B"?

 

Regardless~YOU'RE DONE!

 

There are legal ways to get him out?

 

BTW?

 

I would NEVER shared you WITH another!

 

Your not crazy!

 

Me? I'm selfish that way!

 

YOU? You're a GOOD WOMAN! Keep on keeping "ON"!

[sweet_31_woman]

He didn't force me to do things completely...he just won't let me say no. It's the same when he is drunk and wants "it' you just don't tell him no. He gets angry and at times has been physical. He is a good man, I just can not get over the past and I feel as if I starting to resent him for 'making' me be a "whore"

[Tripper]

He didn't force me to do things completely...he just won't let me say no. It's the same when he is drunk and wants "it' you just don't tell him no. He gets angry and at times has been physical. He is a good man, I just can not get over the past and I feel as if I starting to resent him for 'making' me be a "whore"

 

Good Lord, this is just plain abuse and if he is physically forcing you to have sex then it's rape!! He may be a "good man" but getting boozed up is NOT an excuse for his behaviour and actions.

 

I can only urge you to find a way out of this situation. It's not healthy or safe for you. Do you have any support network?? Any place to go??

[sweet_31_woman]

I've told him on more than one occassion that that is what it feels like. He always apologizes, and is perfect for about 1-2 weeks and the whole cycle starts over. As far as a support system, my family all loves him and I have three children. No way will they take care of us until I can. I do know that there are other services out there, but I can't go to them, it's not like he beats me. I love him and don't want him hurt, but I love him more as a friend or the father of my children, and I do finally get out, I think he will flip out before he will leave. I did call today and made an appt. to seak counciling...maybe that will help me find a better way to deal with this and to make sure I am making the right decisions.

[Tripper]

I've told him on more than one occassion that that is what it feels like. He always apologizes,

 

Noooo.. that's what it is. Sorry but I'm calling a spade a shovel.. and you don't have to take that.

 

I do know that there are other services out there, but I can't go to them, it's not like he beats me.

 

Please check with your local services to see if you qualify. You are still being abused.

 

I think he will flip out before he will leave.

 

Is there any chance that he'll flip out and get physically violent and perhaps hurt you?? I ask this because it sounds like he is a fine line away from "getting physical" when drunk to actually harming you.

 

I did call today and made an appt. to seak counciling...maybe that will help me find a better way to deal with this and to make sure I am making the right decisions.

 

Please be honest with your counselor and tell him exactly how you feel. Women in abusive situations often have self esteem issues and stay in a relationship because they don't feel they deserve better. They also tend to defend the their abuser. It is difficult and takes a great amount of courage to end it and leave. I hope you can find it.

 

I think there's more here than simply his drinking. There's his tendency to gay/bi sex and violence. There is some issue deeply rooted that he isn't dealing with. Pragmatically speaking, tho'... you are the target.

 

Do you feel the children are at risk?? Has he ever been abusive towards them??

[Rainbow Gem]

Your SO is a typical alcoholic. I have been involved with Ala-non for many years and it sounds like he is on that old hamster wheel of drinking, doing something that hurt you one way or another, apologizes for it (and maybe, maybe means it) but ends up doing it all over again because it is the only thing he knows.

 

You deserve so much better and if you cannot leave today or tomorrow, make plans to leave soon. Go to some meetings, find out that you are not alone or weird or whatever in this horrible situation.

 

You need to take care of yourself and your kids. They need you because you didn't mention any abuse towards them, but it may be just a matter of time. You deserve so much better.

 

Check out this counselor and find some Ala-non people to hang with. It is okay to sort out your options and get clear about what or how you want to leave him. If he is working so hard to keep you tell him to go through treatment for 30 days.

 

You don't have to do this all alone even if your family cannot help you. There are others who can help you.

[sweet_31_woman]

He went and got totally trashed again last night. Fortunately he didn't harm me, just mentally. He threatened to take my kids.

While he is physical with our children he does say bad things to them when he is mad. He has called my oldest (11) and A**hole, and things of the sort. I am terrified to leave, but also scared to stay. I am hoping I can get out soon, I know he is the verge of snapping. What do I do? I cant get help until he is physical again, but if he is then would it be too late?

[sweet_31_woman]

He started going to AA on Friday, and also acknowledged that he takes what he wants with no regard to my feelings. I think he feels badly, and now I feel more angry that he chooseds now to do all of this. Is this normal, I have threatened to leave before and he did this similar things, but now that I have told him so many times it's almost like he taking my feelings and using them as his own too. Like I get chest pains when he is around, now he says he gets them too. I sometimes feel as if I cant breathe and I shake a lot, he stated shaking, but i only notice one hand that does. I don't know. I feel angry, like him knowing what I feel is bad, him saying he is like a "rapist" makes me angry to hear him say. I don't really think it would be considered rape, We are married and when he want sex he keeps going for it he won't stop until either I let him, or I lay there crying. I don't think it is right, but I don't think of it as rape. He doesn't hit me to get it. He just takes it. I did spend most of the weekend away with friends, and he seems more upset about this knowing that i am serious this time. Should I stay now and make it all ok again, or go through with how I truly feel?

[Tripper]

He started going to AA on Friday, and also acknowledged that he takes what he wants with no regard to my feelings. I think he feels badly, and now I feel more angry that he chooseds now to do all of this. Is this normal, I have threatened to leave before and he did this similar things, but now that I have told him so many times it's almost like he taking my feelings and using them as his own too. Like I get chest pains when he is around, now he says he gets them too. I sometimes feel as if I cant breathe and I shake a lot, he stated shaking, but i only notice one hand that does. I don't know. I feel angry, like him knowing what I feel is bad, him saying he is like a "rapist" makes me angry to hear him say. I don't really think it would be considered rape, We are married and when he want sex he keeps going for it he won't stop until either I let him, or I lay there crying. I don't think it is right, but I don't think of it as rape. He doesn't hit me to get it. He just takes it. I did spend most of the weekend away with friends, and he seems more upset about this knowing that i am serious this time. Should I stay now and make it all ok again, or go through with how I truly feel?

 

 

SW, I feel your pain, anger and anguish.

If you are forced to have sex when you don't want to it is rape! Even if you are married. In my book he is a rapist.

Alcoholics will live in denial and not change until they suffer a major loss. For some it may be the loss of their job, for other it may be loss of their family, spouse or children. And for some it's the loss of their lives.

Only you can decide the best course of action for yourself, however simply going to AA is not going to change him overnight. He will want to change.

You may want to set up a "deal breaker" whereby you, in no uncertain terms, tell him if there is one more incident of his drinking and forcing you to have sex you are out the door. This is an ultimatum and you would have to be prepared to follow it. Alternatively, and this might be difficult, you could insist he move out until he can prove to you it won't happen again.

 

Your last comment implies that your true feelings are to leave. I think you've answered your own question. The most important thing to consider is for you and your children to have safety and peace of mind.

[joekurtz]

He went and got totally trashed again last night. Fortunately he didn't harm me, just mentally. He threatened to take my kids.

While he is physical with our children he does say bad things to them when he is mad. He has called my oldest (11) and A**hole, and things of the sort. I am terrified to leave, but also scared to stay. I am hoping I can get out soon, I know he is the verge of snapping. What do I do? I cant get help until he is physical again, but if he is then would it be too late?

 

I don't believe you're as well informed on the issue of the help that's available as you should be.

 

Just like Tripper has so wisely said previously, there's NOTHING at all that says that you "have to" stick around for one more beating or one more incident of sexual, mental or emotional abuse before you'll be eligible for help. It's available right now. All you have to do is go to the proper people & ask for it kiddo.

 

Believe me, I know how it is to make a proactive choice like that. I grew up in a household in which both of my parents were alcoholics & there was a lot of physical abuse going on. Mostly beatings of my mother from my father, but also retaliatory violence from my mother in the form of stabbings & a shooting. Nasty, violent, horrific stuff to witness. So, I've seen it all.

 

This stuff went on regularly for my entire childhood, without my mom ever really taking advantage of the help that she could have gotten ( & this was in the '70s, there's a LOT more help available now ) until my parents finally split up for good when I was 14. But then, years later, she got herself involved in another abusive relationship that lasted pretty much right up until her death of cancer in 1999.

 

Don't let that be you.

 

Even if you don't want to consider a divorce outright now, I think you owe it to yourself & your children to pursue a separation. Spend some time apart while he deals with his drinking & his many other issues. I mean, let's face it, this bloke hasn't even come to terms with his sexual identity for Pete's sake. One of the most fundamental parts of our very being. How can he be a proper father & husband or REALLY deal with his alcohol issues if he doesn't even know who he is down deep inside? Or, refuses to come to terms with it?

 

Sounds like he could use some time to his own self as well. Where he can't take his issues & his obvious frustrations with them out on you. Or your children.

 

I hope you do decide to take advantage of the help that's out there.

 

Take care & peace.