5 years going down the drain?

[WanderingDove]

I have been to other forums which one of them looked too scary for me to tell my story. I am in a 5 year old relationship.

 

We live together for 3 years now. Even after all these years, things were great up to few months ago. We have been arguing alot more than usual. He would bring up small things and turn them into a big arguement.

 

He goes out more often with his "buddies". I know all his buddies but whenever I ask for names, he just mumbled a few that I don't recognize at all. Sometimes he would tell me he's going out for drinks with new co-workers.

 

We both have our own laptops at home. He's on his more often lately and once, my laptop was sent for repair, I asked if I could use his and he created a "guest" sign in for me. Why can't I just use his I thought to myself? I felt a tiny knot in my stomach. I feel like he's hiding something from me.

 

I want to find out more but I don't know how to go about. Any ideas?

[whichwayisup]

Listen to your gut, you feel something is wrong, then chances are, it is.

 

You do have options - Talk to him and tell him you think he's cheating on you OR you could hire a PI, or get a trusted friend of yours to follow him (if you can't afford a PI) to see where he really is.

 

If he is cheating, what do you plan on doing? Kicking him out? Give him a chance to make things right again? Go to marriage counselling?

 

Honestly, I think you need to lay it all on the line with him, tell him you're unhappy with how things are, you feel neglected and he's spending too much time away from you and the marriage, and tell him your suspicions.

[Lyssa]

WWIU, I don't think OP is married so I guess MC is out of the Q but there is a counseling session for long term couples, right?

 

WD - WWIU is right, you gotta follow your gut feeling. From the looks of it, he seems to be hiding something. If I had nothing to hide from my SO, why would I want to create a new user account on my notebook? You said everything is great up to few months back - how was he before you grew suspicious of him?

 

Try talking to him and tell him that you don't feel things are the same lately and it is bothering you.

[whichwayisup]

3 years, well, they are common-law married, which is legal in the eyes of the Law (guess it also depends on where she lives, in Canada, common-law marriages are recognized in every province). Yes, couples therapy could help too, but only if he is willing to go and stop his suspicious behaviour.

[WanderingDove]

Thank you both for your advice. My guts tell me that he is hiding something. I'm not sure what but from the way he is acting, it sure looks like he has someone else.

 

I tried talking to him, dropped some hints but he raised his voice and said I'm acting whiny and controling. We're not married yet and he said I make him feel the need to punch card in and out with me. Should I really hire a PI now or do I just look around for more signs or red flags?

 

Before he acted differently, he was attentive toward my needs, asked me out to the bars with him. We would watch tv and cuddle up but now he comes home, gets on his laptop and will be onit for hours. I don't have problem if it's porn but at least, tell me. Takes calls at odd hours or will answer it in a different room. That happens when his parents or siblings call but it has been happening too often. His family and I get along very well enough for me to know that they don't call him often!! I feel lost right now. I feel like he's disntacing himself from me.

 

If he is cheating I would want to work it out but I don't know if that is wise? What if he cheats again? We are not even married! We don't have common law where I am at.

[whichwayisup]

I tried talking to him, dropped some hints but he raised his voice and said I'm acting whiny and controling.I tried talking to him, dropped some hints but he raised his voice and said I'm acting whiny and controling.

 

So, instead of being nice, making you feel more secure, he got angry and turned it on you...That's weird and makes me think he's definately turning the tables on you to deflect attention off of him.

 

No, if he is cheating now and you two are not married, end it! Last thing you need to deal with is 10 years from now, having 2 kids and finding out he's cheating again, or continued cheating throughout your marriage.

 

All the red flags are there, I am sorry to tell you this, but it's better to find out wtf is going on NOW and making some sort of decision, than not to know.

[LifesontheUp]

You really do have some red flags there from the sign-in on the lap top to the secretive phone calls to the distancing from you.

 

Unfortunately he will not come clean, you have tried, so if you want to go down the road of getting proof its likely you will need to hire a PI or do it yourself.

 

You say that he goes out more often with "buddies". Is there any way that you or one of your friends could follow him?

[Lyssa]

If he is cheating I would want to work it out but I don't know if that is wise? What if he cheats again? We are not even married! We don't have common law where I am at.

 

You both probably have or haven't talked about getting married but with all these Qs you have - I'd go with the other posters. Good luck and keep us posted!

[yadid]

I had the same "gut" feeling and my wife denied and denied and denied. Took her to MC and she goes into needing more space, I'm boring, etc. I still couldn't get past the feeling of her cheating.

So, I put a keylogger on the laptop, found she had multipule e-mail accounts, and in the trash of one of those accounts, I found an e-mail to her from the OMs Wife, basically telling her to stop screwing her husband.

She confessed when confronted with the truth and we are in R and trying to build a new marriage.

 

Follow your instincts. Put a keylogger on his laptop. Check his cell phone and the cell bill. Follow him. Whatever it takes to either satisfy your fears or confirm your suspicions. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

One of the classic signs of cheating is when your spouse is suddenly hanging around with "new" friends and co-workers that you've never heard mentioned before. The minute I read that, my radar went off. HUGE red flag.

 

The secretiveness with the computer is another HUGE red flag. HUGE.

 

The change in demeanor toward you and the anger he displays when you attempt to even broach the subject of what he's doing is all classic, classic behavior. He reads like a text book. Deflecting it all back on you and acting extremely defensive.

 

Definitely get access to his cell bill. You might want to think about putting a voice-activated recorder in his car and a keylogger's an excellent idea. But if he's password protected his login to his computer, you may not be able to install it correctly if you don't have Administrator rights. You might try (when he's sleeping) to turn on his computer and hold down the F8 button. A menu will appear - choose SAFE MODE. I believe (if I'm not mistaken) that doing that will bypass the login screen and give you access to the computer. Safe mode only loads minimum drivers, so it will look funky and you may not be able to have access to everything. But it's worth a try.

[WanderingDove]

Thank you all for your respond. I have searched on keylogger and that sounds good. Will I be able to put a keylogger on safe mode?

 

I know it's all huge red flags because he is acting differently. Last night, he came home pretty late and didn't even smell of alcohol and yet he told he was at the bar playing pool with some buddies. WTF? If he WAS, shouldn't he be smelling of ciggies???

 

Early this year, I suggested that we get the same network provider so that we will save cost on our phone bills and he was up for it. But I sort of brought it up during breakfast and he just shrugged and said he doesn't mind paying both bills even though we're using different providers. I see this as he's hiding something and he doesn't want me to see the bills? His phone bill is sent to his office address so I have no way of getting to it. I don't like to snoop but I guess I don't have any choice right now? So how do you guys propose I get the bills? If I can't get the keylogger in, and beside following him.. what else can I do? I'm an amateur so I really don't know how to go about!

[whichwayisup]

I think you should talk to him and tell him your gut is screaming something is wrong, then list off everything you've put down here.

 

Unless his company pays for his cellphone, I don't understand why the bill goes to his office. My husband's employer pays for his cell, yet the bill comes to our house, so he has set it up that way. Red flag, most definately.

 

If you can't afford, or don't want to use a PI, talk to a close friend that you trust completely and ask for help, maybe they can do some PI work for you.

[LakesideDream]

Time "wasted" or "down the drain" in GF/BF relationships are the price you pay, and the chance you take when you decided to forgo a formal relationship and just "shack up" together.

 

At this point your best option is to fall back on the age old ruse.. and tell him you need some space and are moving out. Then do it. Don't "shack up" with him again without a wedding ring.

 

Generally you get the respect you earn and deserve.

[WanderingDove]

I took the initiative to follow him last night with the help of my best friend and her cousin. She bought a new car so we were safe from him finding out. He told me he was going out to the bar with his so called buddies. We followe behind him and he did go to the bar. We asked her cousin to go inside and checked out on my guy. He was with a bunch of guys.

 

We left after an hour an a half. Nothing suspicious. Went home and waited for him. He came back after an hour I was home. I called him half an hour before that to check up on him. Told me he was at the bar and it sounded like he was still at the same bar.

 

So what happened there? Could it be that I followed him on the night he actually had no plans with some other girls?