Snooping- Follow Up

[JackhammerGemma]

I wrote a thread a few days ago about how I snooped and looked at my bf's phone bill and found the same number plastered all over it at different times during the day, on several days, picture messages, texts, etc. At the time I didn't know who the number belonged to but it was eating me alive.

 

I told my bf I had snooped and he said the number belonged to some guy friend of his he met at school. He was pretty upset that I was snooping. I later found out who the number really belonged to. Belongs to someone he used to be with. I don't know if you could call her an ex since she is (and was at the time) married to someone else, but it's someone he had an affair with. (When we started dating I knew he had been with someone married previously but I didn't want to judge him because I've done the same thing and figured we all make mistakes.) At any rate, he says he lied to me about talking to her because I belittled him and made him feel dumb about talking to her, which I admit. (We all know how catty women can be-guilty as charged.) On the bill I looked at there were some calls that were made early, before work. I asked him why he would call her at that time & he said to wake her up because she has a hard time getting up sometimes.

 

We had an emotional discussion about it, he says he is not in love with her nor loves her, says I will never understand his need to still talk to her because sometimes people don't have reasons, they just do things. He indicated it has something to do with all they went through together (has to do with the husband finding out and they were both disciplined at work for emailing each other, etc.)

 

I think I can accept why he felt he had to lie about it because I did make him feel stupid for talking to her & I admit it. But he has even said in the past that she is not a good person. (After he supposedly ended it with her she went to his house and attacked him because he had another girl there. I have to look at the scars she left every day.) To me him still talking to someone like that sounds like some kind of dysfunctional attachment. If you regret being with someone as he says he regrets having been with her, why not put it behind you and walk away, esp when you have something better? I don't get it.

 

I don't know what to believe anymore, or if I should even believe anything he says. But I don't think I can accept him talking to her so much. Or at all. I talk to my exes too but not that much. I keep trying to find a way to be okay with this or accept it and I'm just getting more and more depressed about it. We haven't talked about it in a couple days but I'm just not satisfied with the answers he's given me. He says he hasn't actually seen her in a long time.

 

Is there any way it's ok to talk to an ex that frequently? Should I be ok with this?

[whichwayisup]

He is still getting something out of her - They are not having an affair anymore, but they are intouch - Which makes me think that feelings are being fed, even if it is just through phone calls.

 

He HAS to end it completely with her, say goodbye and go no contact with her forever. If he cannot do that, end the relationship with him because you don't need to be with a man who is a cheater and a liar. I mean, he lied to you right away by saying it was a guy friend...Then, later you find out it's his ex-affair partner. BIG RED FLAG. Another thing is, since is he has been hiding this from you, you really don't know if they've seen eachother. Whatever trust was there between you two isn't ever going to be the same and his lies are not helping.

 

It seems he has no intention of ending it, nor does he understand the damage he is causing your relationship by speaking to her.

 

You decide what is best for you and what you will/won't put up with.

[oppath]

Agree with WWIU. While I don't condone snooping, I do believe that when given probable cause, it is ok. He lied about it. He should have said "I am disappointed that you snooped, this is the situation, obviously, that hurts you and I won't do it anymore, I am sorry."

 

He lied about something big. He withheld information from you that could allow you to make an informed decision about your life. That's a bit abusive, honestly, considering the type of information (it's not like eating a hamburger for lunch instead of a salad when he is on a diet).

 

You are allowed to put your foot down and tell him "I don't feel it is appropriate for you to talk to ex affair partners, and it's certainly not appropriate to lie about it. I feel disrespected. I understand if you were hurt that I snooped, that is a -1 for me, and I understand that, but I feel that you lying about it is as bad as me snooping, and it really hurts given who you were talking to. If you want us to go forward, I need you to act in a way that indicates you have room in your heart for me and our relationship. This person is not JUST a friend, and you holding on to her makes me feel like you don't consider me a priority and that you don't have room in your heart for our relationship to flourish because she is stilll in part of it."

[hippiechick]

He has to be getting something out of this "talking" relationship. the fact he states he talks to her for no particular reason is kind of odd.

 

That said he tried to hide this from you (whether you snooped or not), then lied about it (saying it was a guy friend).

 

So....give him an ultimatum. That being, TOTALLY ending this relationship with her all forms of contact.

 

If he was trying that hard to hide it. It was obviously an inappropriate relationship.

[JackhammerGemma]

In the beginning when we were dating he did say he still talks to her now and then...I guess that's when I started making him feel stupid about it. Based on everything I know about her I just think she is a piece of garbage and I'll never understand why he'd want to remain friends with someone like that. I think deep down even he knows she is not a healthy connection for him to have. The other day during our emotional discussion he said he wants to stop talking to her. I have not given him an ultimatum as of yet.Also I'm afraid that even if he says he'll stop talking to her, how can I be sure he will? Do I need to ask him for his phone bills every month?!!

 

A good friend of mine says my bf has a right to privacy and I have no right to tell him who he can and can't talk to, esp. since we're not married nor living together.

 

I don't know...I just don't know. I love him very much, more than I've loved anyone in a long time. We got close in a very short period of time, matter of months, always spending time together. When I look back I don't see how he had all that much opportunity to be with her when he was usually with me..he says he hasn't gone out with her since he's been with me.

[ICallsEmAsISeesEm]

You usually only find out the MINIMUM at first. He's doing damage control right now because you caught him. There's usually alot more to the story and you may find it out in the upcoming weeks and months, or you may never find out. I don't believe for a minute that it's all just innocent telephone chat.

 

It bothers me to see you taking all the blame for HIS sneaky and deceitful behavior. Big damn deal that you belittled him for keeping in touch with a past affair partner. So what? Now you're just going to let him dump all the blame for this on YOUR shoulders because you 'belittled' him???? Boo hoo - tell him to put his man pants on and act like a freakin' adult instead of a sneaking, lying little weasel.

 

Sounds like his secret buddy is still married so therefore, he's being sneaky and deceitful to more people than just you. He's disrespecting her husband yet AGAIN, and this guy has ALREADY dealt with your boyfriend sticking his nose into his marriage where it didn't belong. And your boyfriend's freakin' disrespecting this guy AGAIN after what happened last time? What is WRONG with him?

 

Don't be surprised if her hubby finds your sneaky little boyfriend and kicks his a*ss into next Sunday. And he would deserve it.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to believe anything out of your boyfriend's mouth. All he's done is LIE to you about this woman - first saying it was his 'buddie's' phone number all over the phone bill, then claiming it's ALL YOUR FAULT that he hid it from you, to claiming he hasn't seen her since he started seeing you. I don't believe him for a nano-second and if I were you, I'd tread very carefully with this guy.

[allina]

I'm a really calm, mellow, trusting woman, I frown upon snooping and unnecessary jealousy but no way it hell would I be comfortable with this!!

 

In my opinion this has suspicious and shady written all over it. There is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with exs, I'm friends with an ex I dated for 15 months a couple years ago but it's nothing like you bf's "friendship" with this woman. I don't even call my female friends everyday and to wake them in the morning, him doing this is abnormal. The fact that he's so secretive and lied to you is bad as well.

 

Sorry but this relationship sounds sort of unstable to me, too much secrecy and lies.

[truckdriving]

theres no way you should think its ok, especially if its making you feel this way. you need to tell him that the only thing you will accept from him is absolutely no contact with this other woman.