jessica2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 About a month ago i cheated on my boyfriend.I was drunk,not using it as an excuse i know its not im just stating the facts,and made out with some random guy.He then tried to get me to go upstairs and have sex with him.I told him no because i had a boyfriend that i loved.Then it hit me that i had cheated on him with someone that i didnt even know and that i had jeopardized everything i had invested in my boyfriend for something that meant nothing to me.I called him later that night while i was still drunk and told him, i could barely even get it out because i was crying so much.He didnt really adress anything that i had said,he was more concered with my safety.I tried calling him the next day and he said we would talk about it the next day.When i saw him the first thing he asked me"why?"i felt so horrible that i coudlnt give him an answer because i didnt know why,and i wasnt concerned at the time to figure out why i had did it.He told me he was hoping i could have given him a better reason than i didnt know,because it was all riding on what that answer was.He told me he was no longer in love with me,and that he felt i wasnt the person he thought i was.All of this hurt really bad because i had never lied to him or been fake.Poeple make mistakes.I couldnt understand how he just wasnt in love with me anymore.He said he had forgiven me but that he didnt want to be "that guy" the ones that take thier girlfriend back.He also didnt want to be in a relationship where he wouldnt fully trust me and that if we stayed together it woudlnt be fare to either of us.So basically it was hard for me to just let him go i tried to get him back,and he made it very clear that there was no way he was taking me back.Then a couple of days later he called me and said that he was reconsidering giving me another chance, i was obvioulsy happy and i had figured that he was going to take me back.A couple of days later he said that he didnt want to get back together and i was really upset.But i let it go and tried to move on.I started to move on and we stayed friends.Had lunch occasionally,talked on the phone somtimes,we still have casual sex.I never validated his pain,even though i was the cause for both of our pain.It bugs me alot that i dont.I still dont know why i did it.What bugs me more is the fact that he didnt have any other questions,he didnt ask me anything.All i know is if someone cheated on me i woudl have tons of questions to get closure.He stills has my tooth brush and shampoo out,and love letters out, and i dont understand that either. Link to post Share on other sites
Tripper Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 He's still dealing with the pain of loving you, having you break the trust, losing you and is probably not ready for closure yet. He needs to work through in his own mind that he doesn't want to get back together, tho' he may change his mind on that. Only time will tell... His initial reaction of being concerned for your safety shows his maturity and how much he cares... that's what makes what you did so difficult for him.. Time will tell... and time will heal... good luck Link to post Share on other sites
spooty Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 it's up to him whether or not you can get back together, all you can do is be a friend and trustworthy until then think of how you'd feel if he did the same thing. you'd be crushed, it's a very difficult thing to sort through mentally. if he's willing to have sex with you then it might be a good sign, however it could also mean that he's put you in a sexual/no emotion role, and then he'd be using you as a crutch instead of moving on. i can't tell which from what you wrote. either way you need to make some progress, being in this limbo is just drawing out a break up, you have to make some romantic gestures and cross the line from sexbuddy to girlfriend if you want to get him back. see how open he is to it and go from there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessica2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 it's up to him whether or not you can get back together, all you can do is be a friend and trustworthy until then think of how you'd feel if he did the same thing. you'd be crushed, it's a very difficult thing to sort through mentally. if he's willing to have sex with you then it might be a good sign, however it could also mean that he's put you in a sexual/no emotion role, and then he'd be using you as a crutch instead of moving on. i can't tell which from what you wrote. either way you need to make some progress, being in this limbo is just drawing out a break up, you have to make some romantic gestures and cross the line from sexbuddy to girlfriend if you want to get him back. see how open he is to it and go from there. I think i might have given the wrong inpression.I'm not looking to get back together, i think that ship has sailed,and im moving next month so that cuts any hopes of that on either side.BUT Spooty you mentioned something that caught my eye and id like to hear more about since i dont think i really understand what you mean."then he'd be using you as a crutch instead of moving on Link to post Share on other sites
spooty Posted November 28, 2007 Share Posted November 28, 2007 what i meant was that he's having a semi-relationship with you to keep from having to move on completely. he's comfortable with you, and you there and willing, also he still sort of has feelings for you. you both know you need to move on but seeing each other and having casual sex (basically the relationship without the emotional commitment) is keeping you both from moving on. by "staying" with you like this and not asking for details he's living in the past. seeing you and keeping your things shows that he's longing for a time gone by and delaying the inevitable. he's probably just pushed it from his mind in order to cope because he still wants to see you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessica2007 Posted November 28, 2007 Author Share Posted November 28, 2007 I understand what your saying now. You know how in a relationship there is a gardener and flower, well I was the gardener.And now even in this situtaion that we are in i continue to the the gardener.I call him, i ask to have lunch,i ask to sleeper over.Saying this i just now see that i shouldnt be doing any of those things.I know im not over him and i know that there is no future for us.But he allows it. Taking to me ,seeing me,having sex with me[we do not kiss while we have sex by the way].We are probably using eachother as crutch's.You have just opened my eyes so wide.thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 We are probably using eachother as crutch's.You have just opened my eyes so wide.thank you If you are using each other for crutches... How do you plan to fix the situation? Let it be until you move away? Also... do you like always bieng the gardner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessica2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 I do not like being the gardner.I've always been in ever shape or form of relationship.Im the gardner because when i was younger i felt my dad didnt love me,i now know better.But it left me scared.I now invest so much into the oppisite sex hoping to get the same amount of love back.very unhealthy yes i know.But to answer that no i do no like being the gardner. i have no idea ow im going to fix it i just realized that this was more messed up than i thought. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 Start fixing it by not having sex with him anymore. That's the first thing. Then stop calling him and hanging out. If it's over, then it's over. You both need to let it go and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 I do not like being the gardner.I've always been in ever shape or form of relationship.Im the gardner because when i was younger i felt my dad didnt love me,i now know better.But it left me scared.I now invest so much into the oppisite sex hoping to get the same amount of love back.very unhealthy yes i know.But to answer that no i do no like being the gardner. i have no idea ow im going to fix it i just realized that this was more messed up than i thought. Jessica, You have a good heart! You will find a man who values you deeply. When you give and give and give, you attract those who take, take, take. Seek balance. Just as you cannot truely buy friends... you also cannot truely force love. I know that your experience has taught you that there must be a gardener and a flower... but in truth... you must take both roles... and so must he! Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessica2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 Thank you for not seeing me only as some ****ed up person that cheats. Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 This is funny.. I came on this site as someone who cheated, felt horrible, and wanted my girl back.. and I got called every name in the damn book. Had about 5 women that wanted to castrate me themselves.. here a woman comes on here, admits to cheating, says she doesnt want him back.. and she's a good person.. lol what's wrong with this picture?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessica2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 I dont think you are a messed up person because you cheated.But i understand exactly what you mean.i bet i have my haters too.But if he would have me i would be with him,it was the biggest mistake.That wont happen,so deal Link to post Share on other sites
Author jessica2007 Posted November 29, 2007 Author Share Posted November 29, 2007 *so I deal glad i caught that typo. Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 This is funny.. I came on this site as someone who cheated, felt horrible, and wanted my girl back.. and I got called every name in the damn book. Had about 5 women that wanted to castrate me themselves.. here a woman comes on here, admits to cheating, says she doesnt want him back.. and she's a good person.. lol what's wrong with this picture?? two words, Timing and Presentation, Vivrant. Not your fault, it just happens. I dont think you are a messed up person because you cheated.But i understand exactly what you mean.i bet i have my haters too.But if he would have me i would be with him,it was the biggest mistake.That wont happen,so deal I believe that you are young... and that you have learned something valuable. However, I do not feel that your relationship with him would have worked out long term. I think you were unhappy with certain things... Link to post Share on other sites
BeautifulMystique Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 This arrangement is unhealthy for you. You can't move on if he's still in your life and same thing goes with him. Save yourself from getting hurt any further by ending it now and for good. You sound like a smart young lady, make the right decision now before it's too late. You're moving out elsewhere and I'm sure there will be plenty of things/people for you to explore so look forward to that. It's hard for some people to accept their partners cheated on them, it's unlikely that he will get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
dbtmarley Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 From what everyone says here it sounds like you did yourself a big favor by cheating on this terrible guy. What did he do wrong? You never mentioned that part... ohhh maybe it's because he is having trouble making up his mind after you cheated on him. I guess that makes him a scumbag of sorts. Vivrant--- I hear ya brother... LOUD AND CLEAR!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly Bean Posted November 29, 2007 Share Posted November 29, 2007 This is funny.. I came on this site as someone who cheated, felt horrible, and wanted my girl back.. and I got called every name in the damn book. Had about 5 women that wanted to castrate me themselves.. here a woman comes on here, admits to cheating, says she doesnt want him back.. and she's a good person.. lol what's wrong with this picture?? No, I don't think she's a good person, V. I think she screwed up royally and is now dealing with the consequences of her actions. Her guy is now using her for sex only, but she hasn't caught on to that yet... In a way, good for him. He sounds like he knows he deserves better, and in the meantime, he is treating her as she behaved when she cheated. I mean, he won't even KISS her while doing her? That's what hookers do with their johns. Shows he is treating her as nothing more than a hole. He has lost respect for her, but has no problem dipping the wick as long as she feels guilty. Sorry - I just think cheaters get what they deserve. Hopefully Jess, you really will learn from this...there is a huge take-away here for you, hon. Don't let it pass... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie62 Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 That's a bit harsh We are all human beings and deserve to be treated with respect. This world is not divided into good ppl who dont cheat and bad ppl who do cheat. Stop being so bitter and learn that sometimes ppl can make mistakes. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 I have to chime in.... Stop being so bitter and learn that sometimes ppl can make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes, but the mistakes you speak of are unintentional. Cheating is selfish and when did being selfish become a good quality have? I have zero sympathy for cheaters! Wether it be emotionally cheating, kissing, or sex.. It's all the same to me in the end. Why? Simply because their mistakes are intentional and they choose to act on impulse without the thought of consequence. To further explain... Jessica was very conscience when she kissed that other guy and can't even tell us why she kissed him! While only breaching the cheating barrier, her mistake will live be there for the rest of her life. I apologize for being so blunt, but I'm only speaking truth here... Jessica, I hope this is a lesson learned and for your own sake. Stop letting him use you for sex, he's only getting back at you! Link to post Share on other sites
error Posted December 7, 2007 Share Posted December 7, 2007 Jessica, there is no question what you did is inexcusable. But you definitely do deserve some credit for how you handled the situation. What many people posting failed to take note of is that you caught your mistake immediately, and took responsibility for it immediately; despite the huge risk that went along with doing that. That says a lot about your remorse and about this being a temporary moment of insanity rather than a permanent marker of your personality. That said, I agree that continuing to have sex with him will do nothing to help either of you heal. Familiar experiences only brings back old memories, and old memories will only bring back more emotional agony; no matter how hard you try to see it as purely mechanical. I don't know how old you are, how serious the relationship was, or whether you are an impulsive type of person, but hopefully you will learn something about yourself from this experience and keep yourself out of situations where this can happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Brendi_thesnake Posted December 8, 2007 Share Posted December 8, 2007 This is funny.. I came on this site as someone who cheated, felt horrible, and wanted my girl back.. and I got called every name in the damn book. Had about 5 women that wanted to castrate me themselves.. I right know, bunch of idiots that shouldn't even be posting if they're just gonna flame you with abuse. So here's what you gotta do if you want your missy back. Ok I'm not good with the long I'm sorry thing but I'm gonna try posting it anyways. Tell her the reasons you cheated and be like ''I know I know a mistake and want to work on it with you, in fact I'll be an open book, will you give me another chance? And if she doesn't then don't worry, there's many fishes in the tank anyways. Don't waste your time suffering over one girl. here a woman comes on here, admits to cheating, says she doesnt want him back.. and she's a good person.. lol what's wrong with this picture??.. Actually she does at some point want him back but he's playing with her. He says yes and then he says no, no wonder she's getting fed up with it. What she should do is say ''Yo I know I made a mistake and (apology applied) for what I did, but you wanna be with me or not? Link to post Share on other sites
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