Breaking up is hard to do...

[harrirossini]

Dear all,

I want to share with you all my story as I have so many emotions I'm struggling to deal with.

 

A brief(ish) history.

I met my current partner 5 and half years ago. She was in an unhappy relationship and I was single. We fell in love massively quickly and within a week she had moved into my house.

 

Within 3 months she was pregnant. This was not planned but we had discussed that if it should happen that we would go ahead and have the child. Thinking back, the reason I agreed to this was because I was in love and didn't want to lose her (her last boyfriend had convinced her to have a couple of abortions and I didn't want to ruin what was a wonderful relationship).

 

We had our daughter in 2003 and for me there was already signs that our relationship was struggling. We used to have some incredibly hurtful arguments. Things were said that we simply couldn't take back. We still slept in the same bed and did have occasional good times.

 

To be honest I can't really remember much about the detail from 2003 to mid 2005. I guess we just had an average relationship, we fought a bit, had arguments, discussed seperation and then made up and things would be ok for 3 months.

 

I think around the middle of 2005 we stopped sleeping in the same bed. Most nights she slept with our daughter and I slept on my own. I tried explaining to her that this wasn't good for anyone but we had probably stopped communicating effectively by this time.

 

We had discussed however having another child - principly for the sake of our daughter (I have an elder sister and my childhood was blissfully happy) and in late 2005 she fell pregnant. She unfortuneatly misscarried and I think we both dealt with it very well. She was less than 2 months pregnant and it didn't really affect us. She did however fall pregnant again in early 2006 and in Oct 2006 we added a lovely little boy to the family.

Her pregnancy was hard and we basically stopped sleeping together completely. In fact the last time we had sex was when she conceived (Feb 2006). (1 and half years ago....)

 

I think it would be fair to say that for about 2-3years this relationship has not made us happy. However, during her pregnancy I met someone very briefly and we started emailing each other. She is Brazilian and went back to Brazil in early 2007. We continued emailing each other and a relationship formed. When she came back to this country I helped her find somewhere to stay and then told my partner I was 'going to stay in town a couple of days a week'. I have been doing this for the last six months.

 

During that time I have been totally torn between being at home in an unhappy relationship but seeing and being there for my kids and spending time with my girlfriend having a 'normal' loving relationship. My relationship with my girlfriend blossomed but it became harder for everyone (partner, girlfriend, me, kids) as time went on. My partner feels our daughters behaviour is suffering because of our relationship and my girlfriend feels like she will always be second best.

 

My girlfriend and I have since split up - it was very amicable, but we both could not continue in a part-time relationship. My partner agreed that we should also physically seperate and I agreed. I think my girlfriend acted as a catalyst for me - she is not the reason for me wanting to separate. We initally agreed to sell the house and get two flats, but now my partner is saying she doesn't want to disrupt the kids. I don't want to disrupt the kids either but I sincerely believe that living separately is better than living apart under the same roof.

 

I don't want to quote actual numbers but lets assume I earn 4 units. 2 units goes on mortgage and bills and 1 unit for my partner and kids, leaving me with 1 unit. My partner earns 1 unit childminding which she calls 'her money'. I don't know if financial arrangements are discussed on this website (and if they are not then please forgive me) but if she refuses to sell the house (We could afford a decent 3 bed flat for her and kids which would reduce the mortgage and bills to about 1.5 units - which would just about leave enough for me to rent a flat too) how can I go about agreeing the finances with her?

 

I want to be with my girlfriend, but I need to sort out all the other stuff first. Any thoughts, similar experiences or advice would be really helpful.

 

I am a complete mixed bag of emotion and confusion at the moment!!