He cheated, what now?

[sad1]

HI everyone, this is the first message board i have even done. But I am so lost, I thought I would give it a chance.

 

I'd been with my boyfriend for 2 years. A month ago he planned a trip without me to go with his friends, and I wondered why he didnt invite me. We have a long distance relationship so him going on this trip meant an extra week of not seeing him(we only see each other on weekends). So i brought up the fact that maybe he wanted to date other people, and that's why he woulndt want me on the trip. So we discussed it and he said no way. I had also been thinking about taking a break, but after our talk i decided i didn't. So i took all those thoughts out of my head. I psyched myself out of it when he was like "no i love you we cant do that to each other". So he said he woulndt go cause he didnt want to lose me over it. So i felt weird stopping him after awhile and said, just go, i trust you.

 

So he goes on the trip. At this point i have not seen him for 3 weeks b/c he had finals before the trip. So he gets back and he hadnt called me the saturday of his weekend trip. I asked why. He said he just didnt. So again i brought up that there had to be SoME reason why, did he want a break? He said no.

 

So the next week, which was two weeks ago, I am totally excited to see him. I say that i cant see him till saturday. So that friday, he meets up with a girl that he met on his trip, his friend likes her friend, and so they go out and he ends up kissing her in his friends bedroom. The next day( i dont know any of this yet), he sees me, showers me with affection. We spent the whole weekend together. I think, wow, he really wants to make this work. I am ready to give him my all.

 

So the next week, which was last week, we are planning our two year anniversary trip. I was about to put the hotel on my credit card, when i get a phone call from a mutual friend telling me he cheated on me the past friday, the day before i saw him. So trip canceled of course.

 

So now i dont know what to do. We have a really open relationship as far as talking about stuff (well not so much now), so we have talked about it. I just asked him why he didnt take the opportunity to do this the right way. I am his first real girfriend and he says he has no one to compare me to and that the ideas i brought up about our doubts and what ifs really got to him. I just wish he had done this break the right way.

 

Regardless, now i cant sleep, i cant eat, i am sick to my stomach every day. Its been less than a week now and i dont know what to do. I told him he needs a week of a break to think things over. To not talk to me, or her, or anyone. Just to think. because his confusion is taking its toll on other people and its not fair. He says that he doesnt think i would ever forgive him and that he is confused and lost right now. He said, "Can u honestly say if i see u and say im sorry this will fix everything?" It's like he wants me to say, "ya if you try, i will take u back". I dont want him to think....well if she takes me back i will try. He should be blindly trying. Dont you think?If he wants it to work he should be at my door, on his knees, and begging me back. How can he just take a back seat if he really wants me? he tells me he loves me and is so sorry and cant blieve what he did. but shouldnt he be thinking..."i want her back and i will do anything to get her back no matter what the outcome is?" Instead of sayin, I just dont think you would ever forgive me? It's like he has given up hope before even trying.

 

Sorry this is long, but i have never been in this situation before. Is what i am thinking wrong? I dont even know if i could ever trust him. All i know is that i miss him and wish this would all go away.

[NEONINK]

I like this idea....

 

"If he wants it to work he should be at my door, on his knees, and begging me back."

 

You did mention you were thinking of cooling it anyway, so you were thinking of leaving him. Perhaps what has happened was supposed to happen.

 

I didn't understand from your post if he had actual sexual relations with the other party or not. If he only kissed, I don't think at your ages and inexperience, I would take that as cheating.

[sad1]

well from what he said, they just kissed. And he is 24 and I am 23.

[midori]

at least in my opinion. There is a fine line between harmless flirtation and an inappropriately intimate exchange, and kissing someone else is definitely on the latter side.

 

I agree that your bf seems to be setting you up to either unequivocally forgive and forget (which is a ridiculous expectation), or to take the blame for ending the relationship. He can say "oh it was just a kiss and someone ratted me out and she dumped me. She's so cruel, so unreasonable..." He has even said that he doesn't think you can forgive him -- as if he's daring you to either swallow your hurt and your pride and your doubts, or to do the dirty work of ending the relationship.

 

From what you've said about the trip, etc., it does sound to me like he's been itching for some space. And since you are too, why not take this opportunity? You don't have to make it all about the kiss, that has just served as a catalyst for something you've both been leaning towards.

 

My guess is that he's a bit of a chicken when it comes to affairs of the heart. You're his first girlfriend and he's afraid of letting go of a sure thing, especially one that he isn't sure he wants to let go of in the first place. But if things are declining, someone has to be the brave one and acknowledge that. He's already shown that he's prone to passive-aggressive, sneaky ways of not interacting with you. It'll only get worse if you let it slide.