I think my guy friend is getting attached...and I am happy but scared

[SamanthaX]

and, I don't mind it. I am 33 and he is 6 yrs older. We met about a year and a half ago and hit it off as friends--we are very similar people who enjoy the same things. But, it took us a while to get close--he later told me had trust issues since his divorce 4 years ago and in a custody battle with his ex over his young child. I was also in the process of getting out of a long term relationship that ended badly and drained emotionally.

 

We've always had a strong connection, but we have gotten a lot closer over the past few months. I have to say that he knows (and understands me) better than any other man I have ever been with. It is the kind of relationship where we acknowledge each other's flaws, but find them endearing. No subject is taboo. When my ex I would try to talk, it would always end up in a blow out, but I find this guy to be so easy to get along with. I have no problem admitting it when I wrong with him--I can be very stubborn with others. I hate to be cliche, but he just gets me and we always have fun.

 

We have been spending a lot of time together and he has started including me in activities with his child. We talk all day via email, text, and phone and the conversations are never boring. We've never really made any physical contact--I think we both tried to keep that wall up. But, we have started giving each other hugs goodbye recently and my body reacted--heart in stomach. I have not felt like that in a long time. When I left that night, he gave me a big hug (the last of many of the night) and told me how great of a friend I was and that he loved me--I assume he meant as friends.

 

He has also started saying things indicating he finds me attractive (e.g. you know you are hot, you are gorgeous, etc.). He has also started saying other things about how much we are alike and the other night told me that I scared him because he was getting so close and was afraid I might move away--I've been playing around with the idea of leaving town in a couple of years.

 

We were talking about our dating lives the other night--I go out more than him and he seems to spend most of his free time with me--and he jokingly said, "when are we going to have sex?" We have a very no-holds-barred kind of relationship, so this was not a lewd comment. More of a joke, but I felt like he was feeling me out to see where I was at. I joked back, that he wished and changed the subject because I did not know what to say. He also told me the other day that I have a great ass.

 

I guess I am just pretty confused. I find myself thinking of him often and even on dates with other guys--about how he'd be so much more fun to hang out with than the guy I am with.

 

I am not going to bring anything up to him, but just feel him out and let him make the first move--if any. I am really feeling him, but don't want to read into anything and def. taking this slow because I am not about to lose this great guy as a friend due to bad analysis.

 

I know it is hard to give advice based on a post, but what do you guys think? I guess I am just anxious and looking for a little anon support. Thanks for listening.

[SuperFantastico]

Keep taking it slow i guess. Seems to be working out fairly well.

 

The not wanting to risk losing him so keeping him at a distance thing is a big catch 22. Eventually he may move on if he thinks you are not interested. Remember the biggest sign of intimacy for guys is to sleep with the woman you love. Its all well and good to be friends, but after a while, sexual tension can turn to resentment. BELIVE ME!!

 

So take it slow, but when he puts out those searching type of 'jokes' like 'so when are we gonna sleep together', to keep the slow momentum going flirt back in the same sort of way. Just let him know that you are interested but just hesitant. That your level of comfort with him isnt quite right. Telling him to change the subject is basically shooting him down. and it seems to me you dont really want him to be shot down.

 

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

 

P.S. Perhaps next time he says that again, tell him 'when you perform five tasks' Heh, make a game of it. Make him work for it and he will invest enough time into you to get attached(though he seems pretty attached to you already.)

[SamanthaX]

Thanks for responding.

 

I took your advice. He was telling me how much I would love his family and wondered aloud what my parents would think about him. I told them they would get along and he said he thought so too. I took a plunge and said, "yeah, and then I can say. Hi folks, this is my friend, but we are not dating." He then said he didn't know that that would exactly be true. Kind of indicating that us dating was a possibility. Later in the conversation, I was checking my email and saw I had an invite to a party for work. He told me I had to go and I joked back that he had to come be my backup. He said he'd only go if I went to his party for work too. He then told me that that had been the subject of a text he sent me a while back--he asked if I was around on that day. I was out on a date and replied to him the next morning where he played it off like he forgot. He confessed to me in our conversation that he was going to ask me, but then "chickened out."

 

Very interesting.

 

We have plans to do a road trip (our first together) this weekend so I am just going to go with the flow and see what happens.

 

I met another guy this past weekend and I don't know if me telling him propelled him into action (not my intention). The other guy is great, but he doesn't compare to my friend.

 

I don't know if I am reading this all wrong or what, but feeling it out can't hurt. You have to take chances to find happiness.

[oppath]

No guy is going to compare to your friend as long as you are in this limbo state. It's possible you will meet someone who will blow you away but it is unlikely.

 

It's like when some people are in friends with benefits relationships...they become really complacent in their dating lives and don't even give some good people a shot, because they have a pseudo relationship already. You need to take it someplace with this guy or distance yourself so you have room in your head and heart for someone else. That doesn't mean drop him as a friend, it just means you need to make room for someone else to enter.

[SamanthaX]

Well, the guy I met lives in another city so it will not pan out.

 

An update on the friend situation...

 

We went to his office party last weekend and had a blast. He kept telling me people were telling him how great I was, how hot I was, and that he should date me.

 

We got kind of buzzed at the party and decided to walk to another restaurant for a quick dinner after words. When we were walking down the street, I stopped to pull something out of my purse. When I looked up, he kissed me and I did not even have time to react or kiss him back. He immediately said, "forget that happened." We kept walking and went to the restaurant. We had an ice meal and nothing was weird. When we were leaving, I asked him if he had feelings or me and he said no. So, I went home thinking we are just friends and that he just kissed me out of typical drunk guy horniness. But, he'd never done that before and we have been drunk together before.

 

When I got home, I got a call from him (he was making sure I got home okay which was sweet...he kept telling the cab driver to take care of his girl) and we ended up talking for a couple of hours about random stuff. I don't remember who brought it up, but we somehow transitioned to talking about his feelings for me. I asked him why he had kissed me and he said he wanted to and it was nice. I didn't even kiss him back, because I was so caught off guard and told him that because I did not want him to feel that I was no into it. When I asked him why he'd lied when I asked him if he had romantic feelings for me, he said he'd felt put on the spot. He said he did have feelings for me but he was just not ready. That he had trust issues he was still resolving from his divorce. He told me that he was not sure how he felt about me. That I was everything he could want in a girl and he was trying to figure out how he felt. I said that was fine and he didn't need to decide anything, but it was best that he stop making comments about us dating or having sex until he was sure how he felt, because it was confusing me. He agreed to do that.

 

The conversation was very honest and so easy to communicate how we were both feeling. But, we were both kind of drunk. So, I have to ask myself if it was real?

 

Thoughts?

[SamanthaX]

Bumping my thread.

 

I could really use some insight.

 

Quite confused.

[polywog]

Your posts here are making me all tingly and happy.... for you, and I am getting a vicarious thrill. I think it's great great great that you two can be so honest with each other, and it sounds like with yourselves. You clearly have a lot of respect for each other...

 

Now you know about where you stand. He's being really mature in admitting his fears and where he is, and you are, too.

 

He's clearly attracted, IMHO, but unwilling to damage your relationship/friendship until he clears away the cobwebs from himself and deals with baggage.... that's how it looks from your post.

 

I say just take it a day at a time, and let it unfold.... and trust in the universe.

 

If you do end up together, you'll look back on this time as very delicious.

[SamanthaX]

Thanks for replying. I am way into my own head right now. My worry is that he said that stuff when he was drunk. I wonder if it was true. He has not been acting weird at all. I want to bring up what he said, but I am kind of afraid. He always jokes that I am stuck with him for life, but I am afraid bringing this up could push him away.

[SamanthaX]

So, it has been a while since I posted in here about what is going on.

 

In short, we have started dating. Been about a month now and things are just wonderful. Never thought I would have someone like this in my life and I just feel...blessed.

 

He has totally dropped his guard and now I am seeing a completely different side of him. I never knew how loving and romantic he was!

 

Anyway, he told me he loved me the other day and how happy he was with me. That he hadn't felt this way since he was a teenager. I have to admit, hearing him tell me he was in love with me was a shocker. If a guy I was dating for a month told me that, I'd normally run for the hills. But, since we have a friendship under our belt, it didn't feel weird.

 

Life can really be surprising sometimes.