I want one last chance

[Grace112]

My ex-fiancee called off the wedding 6 weeks before we walked down the aisle. Shortly thereafter he became involved with a woman he met on MySpace. In a few short weeks, he'll be moving across the country to live with her and her 2 small children. This all has happened in the span of less than 4 months.

 

I don't think it's right and I think that if he actually heard me out, we would be able to repair things. We have been together for the past 5 years for a reason. We were engaged for 2 for a reason. We were going to get married for a reason. We both loved each other so much we both believed we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

I think he let his friends - who have never even met me - sway his thinking. One friend in particular, who had feelings for him, would have nightly discussions (without my knowledge) about our relationship. I had no idea how he was feeling and had we had the opportunity to discuss things - I know I could've been a better person for him.

 

I want to talk to him - see him - one last time before he goes. There was so much good in our relationship - I can't justify letting him go without one last talk at the very least.

 

Please tell me - how do I approach him?

[Sw3etdev1L]

"My ex-fiancee called off the wedding 6 weeks before we walked down the aisle."

WHAT ON EARTH ARE YOU THINKING??? going back to him???...after he left you six weeks before getting married??? who is this guy?? is he like a prince charming goes bill gates or what?? hehe.....sorry......WHY do you want to go back to this person??? I mean.....WHY???

Any woman deserves better than that...I mean, SIX WEEKS before a wedding???....isn't it as clear as water???.....HE IS NOT WORTH IT.

[Sw3etdev1L]

OH, and the problem is not you, IT IS HIM....HE IS STUPID....and you are going to be more stupid to consider yourself you could have been BETTER for him....I mean, would he even value a better YOU???....OPEN YOUR EYES...don't be insecure, you'll find another cute, loving person who WILL love you back and who WILL marry you on time and will be excited to have that day in HIS life too.

[daisydufas22]

My ex-fiancee called off the wedding 6 weeks before we walked down the aisle. Shortly thereafter he became involved with a woman he met on MySpace. In a few short weeks, he'll be moving across the country to live with her and her 2 small children. This all has happened in the span of less than 4 months.

 

I don't think it's right and I think that if he actually heard me out, we would be able to repair things. We have been together for the past 5 years for a reason. We were engaged for 2 for a reason. We were going to get married for a reason. We both loved each other so much we both believed we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together.

 

I think he let his friends - who have never even met me - sway his thinking. One friend in particular, who had feelings for him, would have nightly discussions (without my knowledge) about our relationship. I had no idea how he was feeling and had we had the opportunity to discuss things - I know I could've been a better person for him.

 

I want to talk to him - see him - one last time before he goes. There was so much good in our relationship - I can't justify letting him go without one last talk at the very least.

 

Please tell me - how do I approach him?

 

 

Don't approach him......one day he will wake up and start to miss you and come looking for you. By then you will have moved on and you would have worked so hard to make yourself happy. When he comes looking for you...you will understand what rubbish he really is and be able to laugh in his face.

 

Ignore him! You are worth more!

 

If you chase someone or try to talk them into something.....you appear needy and it's a turn off!

 

BIG HUGS....... I know you will be okay. Just keep working on making you happy!

[norajane]

I think he let his friends - who have never even met me - sway his thinking. One friend in particular, who had feelings for him, would have nightly discussions (without my knowledge) about our relationship.

 

If his friends really influenced his decision to leave you, then he's not the man for you. YOUR man will have a mind of his own and will want to be with you regardless of what anyone else has to say about it. YOUR man will not need anyone else to tell him how to feel about you - he'll know he loves you and wants to be with you.

 

I had no idea how he was feeling and had we had the opportunity to discuss things - I know I could've been a better person for him.

 

If he didn't talk to you about his feelings, then he is not the right man for you. YOUR man will want to make things work with you and will want to do the hard work to communicate and improve your relationship. HE was not a better person for you! He chose not to be a better person.

 

I want to talk to him - see him - one last time before he goes. There was so much good in our relationship - I can't justify letting him go without one last talk at the very least.

 

I'm sure this is the hardest thing you've ever had to deal with, and you are heartbroken, which is why you feel the need to talk and try to get him to TRY. But he is not the right man for your. YOUR man would fight for you, and wouldn't leave you for some woman he met on Myspace who lives across the country. YOUR man won't need you to beg and plead with him for one last talk because he'll be by your side.

 

Please tell me - how do I approach him?

 

I don't have any advice on how to approach him, because he's not worth it. YOUR man will know he wants you and will work to keep you. This guy isn't worth your time and effort. You should want someone who knows he wants you.

[Krytie TV]

You want one last chance? As my dad always said, "want in one hand and sh*t in the other and see which one fills up first."

 

This isn't your decision to make. You need to get a hold of that. I think it's sad that someone can do you like that and all you can think about is convincing him he made a mistake. Try getting pissed off and moving on.

[Ssheena]

Ya know what? Just because you want one more chance, doesn't mean he wants to give you one.

Just because you don't think it's right, doesn't mean he doesn't think it is.

 

He broke up with you, he ended it, he is moving across the country to be with someone else. He never even had the respect to talk to you about anything that was going on in his head with you. You think that is good marriage material???? Be so glad that this is over and that you didn't get married.

 

Maybe you haven't gotten to the anger stage yet, but I hope you do soon.

 

This is really out of your hands now. It won't matter what you say, what you promise, anything. It is terrible because you are hurting, but the fact is - He has moved on. There is no more "we", there is no more "us".

 

Wait and see. In time, you will look back at this and go, whew, am I glad that didn't work out.

[Da_1_n_OnlyN3na]

6 weeks before the wedding??????damnnnnn!!!! i would be crushed as hell!!! that nigga doesnt deserve you girl??? why would you even want to see him before he goes to live with that other biitch??are you crazy do you have any respect for yourself???you can not put yourself so low to actually spend time with him before he leaves with the women he left you 6 weeks before your wedding...that guy is going to regret it BADLY!! one day and he will want to say sorry to you everything is going to go wrong for him for doing that you dont do that to a woman...if he really had loved you he wouldnt have done that! omfg!!if i had that guy in front of me i would beat the shyt out of him...if that happened to me i would stab him lol...seriously i would what the ****! i wouldnt want to be left with all these debts if i was planning a big ass wedding and 6 weeks before it my fiance decides to dump me to the trash...hell noo!!! if he wants to leave he better get all that money back because that mean it wasnt worth getting all that shyt and planning a big ass wedding for him to go with another biitch!!! GRRRRRRR IM VERY MAD NOW!!!

[Grace112]

I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. I wish I had the same fight in me that the rest of you seem to - I just don't. I know I made him feel like I didn't love him as much as I do and for that he went and tried to find love in someone else.

 

All of his friends thought I was too dependent on him, so I tried to be more independent. He wanted me to be dependent. He wanted me to keep him on a pedestal. He wanted me to be around and to miss him like crazy when he wasn't. I just see things so much more clearly now and am kicking myself because I pushed the one person I love more than anyone else in this world to leave me. And now, he hates me so much, I don't have the chance to ever see him again. I can't bear it. I feel so damn guilty because I'm the one that is causing/has caused myself all of this pain. I hate this.

[Krytie TV]

I really wish I had this power over women. I would love to be able to dump people and have them linger around for me in case I wanted to dangle them around a little more.

[kitkat289]

First of all, there is nothing in the world that can stop someone from going away.You said that you wish you did this and that and you wish you could change things...I would say, all this is BS!!

2 people know each other inside out being together for 5years and if things look ugly its got nothing to do with YOU. What I mean to say is that you DID NOT make him leave! In my case I soo wish If my ex could feel like he was earlier,so full of sentiments and so sensitive to things and he used to be one of those who never looked at any other girl...he had plenty of things to do in life than dating,seeing anyone and suddenly he changed.It doesnt matter to me that he changed though it feel strange when I compare his reactions,thinking to that of old times.I soo dislike his new image in my mind but you know what...even that hasnt affected the love I have for him.I love him more every day.

I would just advise you that as he;s leaving DO NOT even call him up.He will do that if he wants to hear you last time but you never do this mistake.DO NOT think it might be the LAST time or give any excuse to yourself to meet him...NEVER!

5 years is such a long time.Iam so sure he will come back only and only IF YOU STAY OFF HIM AND DONT BE AVAILABLE when he wants to talk.Just VANISH from the whole thing for good.All the best!

[RecordProducer]

We have been together for the past 5 years for a reason. We were engaged for 2 for a reason. We were going to get married for a reason.

And he broke up for a reason! Can you please elaborate the dependent-independent thing? I'll gladly listen if you write in great detail.

 

I have to ask you something: I know you love him, but are you absolutely sure you want him back? He already let you down and slept with another woman. Could you forgive him? Could you trust him again or would you always fear that he might pack his bags and leave?

 

The best way to have him back is to show him that you have moved on. Post a picture of your "new boyfriend" on Myspace or whatever, be creative. Call him to wish him a safe trip and thank him for leaving you, because you realized how wrong he was for you when you met this wonderful doctor last week (don't forget to say that the sex was great). I am not joking.

[kitkat289]

I dont think this is the time make him feel jealous since if you act like you have moved on,it would look so unnatural to him.If you 'act' after some time and you make it look so natural then I can gurantee that he will be jealous to no extent.I feel 5 years is too long to forget someone and to love someone else.But believe me, I have seen such a case where after 5 years the guy began to lose interest after some girl was chasing him.Everybody in their college knew about their committed relationship but still that another girl had been after him for li ke 3-4years and they got married recently after dating for 1 year and left my friend so shattered.My friend,(the dumped one) is now happy that she;s finally got somebody who she says is justt like her and easy to be with.

I just hope you do not do wrong things at wrong time.If you stay unaffected,he will ATLEAST try contacting you one day.Take care and work on yourself...remember if he loved you, he will come back but only IF you are not around.

[shaygal]

dont approach him!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

trust me the only thing this guy will get out of this is a big head, he will go reguardless if u talk to him or not in hope that maybe things will be greener on the other side so to speak, u talk to him he will know that hey if this doesnt work i know she will have me back.....believe me u are worth more than that!!

 

and more than likely i can garantee this wont work, it takes so much more to build a relationship than a few words online, yes there r some success stories out there of online relationship but not many so its more in ur avour that this wont work....and yeah let him come back home and miserable and if i were u i would just ditch this guy to the curb and find someone that does deserve me, and be happy and somewhere in his heart he wil know actually what he lost...

[norajane]

This guy cheated on you early in your relationship. Over the 5 years you were together, you broke up a number of times and he slept with multiple women during those times. He's obviously a lousy communicator. And you're blaming yourself that you didn't do this or that to make him stay?

 

You've been part of a bad relationship for so long, do you even know what a good relationship feels like? Do you even know how it feels to be with someone who shows he cares about you with his actions?

 

You got involved with an immature creep, and one day you will be so happy that he did you this favor by ending things once and for all and moving away. One day, when you're with a man who understands that love is about giving and doing the hard work a commitment requires, and not just lust and fun and games, then you'll understand why him leaving is the best thing that could happen to you.

 

Don't sell yourself short by thinking this loser was the best you could have!

[RecordProducer]

I dont think this is the time make him feel jealous since if you act like you have moved on,it would look so unnatural to him.If you 'act' after some time and you make it look so natural then I can gurantee that he will be jealous to no extent.I feel 5 years is too long to forget someone and to love someone else.

How can it be unnatural to HIM when HE did it?! Not only moved on, but is moving IN with a woman across the country - only four months later!

 

Men believe that women moved on. She had enough time. It's not about love, it's about loss. They know that after they've done something bad, if you meet a guy who is wonderful and never got to betray you, you will give the new guy a chance - not ditch a potential Mr. Right for a proven Mr. Wrong. They know that if the relationship, even though very short, smells like something developing into true love, you are not likely to trade the new prince for an old frog. If you add the money effect on that (a wealthy plastic surgeon), the ex feels like the break-up he initiated turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

He might assume that you still love him, but he sees that you're not giving him another chance and he lost you. THIS is the thing that works. It would also work if you just said "I love you, but I know you're not good for me, so goodbye." But you need another man as a bait, because he will never try to reconcile with you until you find a new BF who swept you off your feet. Moreover, the quicker it happens the more they are intrigued, because they feel like you couldn't have truly loved them if you moved on so fast. Unlike women, who are likely to write off the men who don't love them, the man's mindset works as the hunter's: the less she loves him the more he is intrigued and the more he wants to pursue her.

 

Now that I am so smart, I should apply that strategy on my case.

[RecordProducer]

This guy cheated on you early in your relationship. Over the 5 years you were together, you broke up a number of times and he slept with multiple women during those times. He's obviously a lousy communicator. And you're blaming yourself that you didn't do this or that to make him stay?

 

You've been part of a bad relationship for so long, do you even know what a good relationship feels like? Do you even know how it feels to be with someone who shows he cares about you with his actions?

 

You got involved with an immature creep, and one day you will be so happy that he did you this favor by ending things once and for all and moving away. One day, when you're with a man who understands that love is about giving and doing the hard work a commitment requires, and not just lust and fun and games, then you'll understand why him leaving is the best thing that could happen to you.

 

Don't sell yourself short by thinking this loser was the best you could have!

Wow! I am glad you are acquainted with the history of her relationship. Her first post in this thread didn't include that he is an unstable, emotionally cripled cheater. You gave her good advice, NJ. She is lucky to have him out of her life; she deserves better. I feel sorry for the mom of two that has no clue what heartache is awaiting her. That woman is more experienced so she probably won't take his crap for too long anyway. It's possible that she doesn't even know that he was engaged at the time when she met him. However, Grace is willing to put up with his crap, so he might actually go back to her eventually. But, he will never change.

[bustertypsy]

Grace sweetheart,My heart breaks for you! The trauma of what you have been through is enormous and has had it's effects on you.I think you are experiencing the emotions of guilt right now.The relationship ended and you are blaming yourself for what happened.Your fiancee cheated on you.You are blaming yourself for his cheating,thinking did you not do enough to keep him from being unfaithful.Let me tell you Grace,you are not the first to feel this way.You feel because you have lost him that it's your fault.All I want to say is if you feel at fault,to stop feeling this way,NOW.

A relationship is based on two people being honest with each other,loving each other,being faithful to each other.By the looks of it,you were true to all these prerequisite's of any healthy relationship.

So move forward in the knowledge that you are a person who has nothing to feel guilty about.One day your ex will wake up,smell the coffee,and realise that he has made the mistake.By then you will have found a better person who loves you.He will have then become a dot on the landscape.

[marlena]

Nora Jane has said it all perfectly. Wipe away your tears and be thankful you discovered this person's true colors before you married him. Truly, he would have made your life miserable. Stop blaming yourself for his insecurities and shortcomings.

This is not how a good man treats the woman he supposedly loves. The fact alone that he would talk to another woman about your relationship and allow his friends to influence him proves how immature and irresponsible he is. Never mind his meeting someone on Myspace and in a few short weeks running off cross - country to be with her. This is not NORMAL. No one in his right mind makes these kind of decisions.

 

In time, you will see this.

 

I'm sorry this has happened to you but really it is a blessing in disguise.

[Trialbyfire]

All of his friends thought I was too dependent on him, so I tried to be more independent. He wanted me to be dependent. He wanted me to keep him on a pedestal. He wanted me to be around and to miss him like crazy when he wasn't.

Excuses, excuses and more excuses for him not to hold to his commitments. In moving the bar up and down, he can make it impossible for you to meet his expectations. It's all about control. Follow me like a puppy.

 

As I mentioned in your other thread, you need to see him one more time before he leaves, so you can get your last reality check. Otherwise, you'll continue to believe that he's the man of your dreams, instead of the bully he really is, through his need to yell at you and control your emotions/actions.

[Racquel Colette]

This is sad. Please get counseling. You need to boost your self-worth. You seem to have very low self-esteem to want such a man who would do those things that Nora said back.

You need to like yourself. You sound like a wonderful, giving person. It is his loss, and you can do better.

You are hurting. You will get through this. Again, I highly suggest counseling.

[niceirishfella]

Hey, Its easy for everyone to come on her and give their opinions on this, that and the other.

But I just wanted to post to say "Hang in there baby".

"Time is a great healer,you just dont see it right now but in maybe a year or two you'll give thanks for him leaving your relationship"

I've been through some hard times and still hanker for the love of my live who is gone from me forever,but give thanks for what i have now - and i would'nt have what i have now unless i lost the love of my life. It all sounds very strange, but its true. Its just life i guess.

 

My thoughts are with you baby - just hang in there.

x

[so_sad]

Grace,

I have been reading these boards for a couple of months now but this is my first post. I just wanted to say that I really think I understand how you are feeling and I'm very sorry you are feeling this way. My situation is very similar to yours. My fiance of 2+ years and live-in partner (we were together 5 years in all) left me a few weeks ago - he just broke up with me - that was it. The only discussion we had about it was after he had already made the decision. I had no chance to try to work things out, and the things he has said since then have really made me feel like I pushed him away. I can't stop thinking "if only I had done this" or "if only I hadn't done that" and blaming myself. Within the space of a few weeks, he has gone from being my fiance to someone who doesn't even want to talk to me. I know that others are trying to give you a pep talk by saying that you deserve better - and it's true; you do deserve better than that (we all do). But I completely understand how hard it is to deal with something like this, to feel you have no say in the matter, to live with the regret and the self-blame and self-doubt.

I don't think I can say anything to make you feel better other than to say that you are not alone - truly.

[RecordProducer]

But I completely understand how hard it is to deal with something like this, to feel you have no say in the matter, to live with the regret and the self-blame and self-doubt.

It's a pattern: whenever we are dumped, we fall on our knees, completely broken; and all that comes to our minds is blaming and doubting ourselves and our actions and words. This is just how we are programmed to think and feel. It's not real.

 

If you dumped him one minute before he opened his mouth to tell you it's over, things would have been the other way round.

[Grace112]

To Everyone - My heartfelt thanks

 

This has definitely been a rollercoaster of the past few months. norajane, thank you for consistently putting things into perspective for me. If I look at each event individually, it's easy for me to brush it off and find reasoning for each. Seeing everything in a recap in your post is difficult. It's funny - my parents said to us when we got engaged - make sure you always communicate. I guess we both failed there.

 

I know that he's a good man and that inside he felt like this was the right decision. Granted if he chose to hear me and see me without the filter he and his "friends" created, he might think differently. As painful as it is to lose this man I love, I know that no one can change anyone's mind unless he/she wants it to be changed.

 

I'm out of town on business and basically have one week while we're in the same city before he leaves. I don't know if I can live myself if I never see him again. It just seems so wrong and so cold. At the same time, I don't know what I would say to him if I did see him. Trial by Fire, I know you think I should go to make things more real for myself - I just wouldn't know where to begin. My first instinct would be to go for a hug like I always did when I felt scared. I'll definitely be giving this all more thought while I'm gone.

 

Thanks again everyone. I will definitely continue to post.