How can I win him back?

[fullofpain]

My Husband of 10 years has just left me. He moved out last week to think for a few days. It has been a week and he now says that he does not love me anymore. We are going to counseling but it only seems to make things worse. We have 2 small children and really need him around.

 

What can I do?

How can I make see what this is doing to our family?

 

Or at the very least, How can I stop the pain?

I am so miserable. I can't eat or sleep. I cry constantly when the kids are at school or asleep. We just bought a new house and all of my support is gone.

 

How can I have hope?

[Tony T]

You cannot control another person. You can only control yourself. Relationships aren't always forever. Most of the time, they aren't. Ten years is a pretty good run. Yes, it's painful...very painful...particularly when there are children.

 

There is no shortcut to healing. There is only the passing of time. Time is your friend, use it well, pass it well.

 

Don't preoccupy yourself with trying to figure out exactly where things went wrong. You did your best, I'm assuming. That's all you could have done. It may very well have been time for your husband to move on, for reasons you may not realize for some time to come.

 

Feel your feelings, your sadness, get support from friends. Attend support groups, get counselling....but do get help for yourself. Connect with others who can help you through this time and put no part of this burden on your children.

 

I don't know how old your children are but there will certainly be affected by the abandonment of their father. Be sure their needs are supported and their emotions are tended to.

 

This is a time to be courageous and strong. It's a sad time but a time when you must push forward with your life. Feel your sorrow but don't wallow in it.

 

Do some nice things for yourself. Start eating, at least a little. Get sleep when you can. As time passes, this will become easier.

 

There are many people and resources out there who are available to help you through this. Use them.

[flower]

Sorry to hear about it. I do not know what happened between you. It's important you do not delve on negative thoughts. Occupy yourself with a job, your children need your strength, go out with friends you enjoy, get your finances straighten and talk to people. Seek help if needed and take good care of health.

[fullofpain]

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am doing my best to keep busy. I try to eat but I can't keep anything down. I work in fact I have been the primary bread winner in the family. I just don't know where to find the strength. I can't sleep either. The agony keeps me awake all night.

 

Whenthe kids go to sleep I am all alone with thoughts and my fears. This is when it's just too unbearable. The sense of loss is massive. How can I be strong enough to leave him alone? How can I keep myself from calling? The grief for my kids is overwhelming.

 

Please help me.

 

Has anyone turned their marriage around after such a blow?

Can a miracle happen?

Or is it just over?

 

I feel like he is the only source of answers. But he is not willing to try anymore. Do I hang on for his state of mind to pass? Or do I just try to heal?

Or both?

[NEONINK]

The loss you are experiencing is NO DIFFERENT than if he had died. You are experiencing grief: The emotional depiction of great loss accompanied by a sense of hopelessness, anguish, denial, anger, and confusion.

 

There are 4 stages of grief.

1) Denial

2) Depression

3) Anger

4) Acceptance

 

Here is a website intended to deal with these stages:

http://www.couplescompany.com/Features/Grief/Grief.pdf

 

If he comes back to his senses and comes back home, you may still feel the above stages. I always look forward to the anger because that means acceptance is not far behind.

 

If he doesn't, please see a counselor through your employee assistance program if you have one. And remember, if he doesn't come back, the heck with him. You'll bounce back.

[stuckhere80]

Hi There,

 

Basically for a man to do what he has done means he wants out and thats the bottom line. Don't bother trying counsiling, it probably will not help. If you want him to be miserable, you can try to keep him, think about his interests, not just yours.

 

Good Luck.

[lifegoeson]

Hi,

 

I separated and divorced from my husband about 4 years ago. I too had two small kids and it was the worst thing I'd ever been through and I felt the same things that you are feeling now.

 

You have to give yourself time to make your life about you and your kids and not about him. I went back to work and bought him out of the house and carried on. Believe it or not eventually you will like living on your own and feel stronger for having accomplished all of this.

 

As for not eating and sleeping, eat little amounts when you do feel hungry and try to wear yourself out during the day so that you are physically tired anough to sleep. Your body will right itself sooner than you think.

 

Thinking about the past never helps, it usually makes you doubt yourself and you an become very depressed as a result, try to concentrate on each day and have a goal every day it may sound silly but even a bit of spring cleaning achieved can help!

 

You will get a happy ending maybe not the one you are wishing for now (like getting him back).

 

My happy ending was that I kept my home and my kids and they are both great and have no problems with their mum and dad being apart, they see him every week and he has now re-married. I have met loads of new people have great friends and family and wouldn't want to be with my husband now I enjoy myself far too much now!

 

Take Care

[spingirl]

I feel your pain. My divorce just became final two weeks ago, although my ex and I have been separated for over a year. Both of us wanted to end the marriage and it was STILL extremely painful. Like you, I have three small kids (triplets, in fact). It was hard at first, but now they keep me going.

 

It's beyond me why some husbands (and wives, for that matter) just walk out without trying every avenue to save the marriage. You are experiencing a loss of control and that is very scary. Try to remember -- this helps keep me strong -- that the only person you can control is yourself. It's a powerful thought. There's probably nothing you can do to change HIM. Counseling has been an enormous help to me and I highly recommend you seek some. Also, consider going on an antidepressant and/or a sleep medication to get you through this difficult time.

 

As everyone says, time heals...(cliche but true)

 

Take care.

Cindy

[mauramq]

You sound exactly like me almost 18 mos. ago...I was married for 10 years and he walked out the day after baptizing our youngest daughter. We have three children and the first 6 months or so were the hardest of my life. Looking back...I tried ...we wet to counseling and it did make it worse; made him angrier when we left the office. I would write him everyday where he was staying and send cards and leave stupid sappy messages and they got me nowhere but blinded by the fact that he was never coming back and had been living with someone the entire time.(sleeping with both of us for probably the first 9 mos of our separation)

 

I won't say try and keep it together, because I believe that if you really love someone and it is meant to be that it will work out in the end. Sometimes things happen for a reason, but we don't exactly get the reason till much later.

 

On a happier note...my ex and I are great friends and he and his girlfriend just had a baby and we are all trying for our children. It was very hard in the beginning and I am sure it will be harder before it gets easier, but know that things can work out and you will SURVIVE and be so much stronger than you ever thought possible! Show your children how to deal with adversity and deal with it gracefully...it took me a while, but I have finally done that and I am so much happier now. You have to accept what the other person does...you cant make someone stay and love you. You just have to make yourself lovable and hope that person realizes how very valuable you are!

 

I feel so close to this....I wish you luck and all the happiness that you and your children deserve!

[miamimom]

My wonderful husband just told me last week that he wanted a divorce too. I, still totally in love with him, am still in shock and still waiting for him to return. But what makes the pain hurt less is just KNOWING that its over. I think hoping and wanting it back doesn't let the wound heal. I NEVER would have thought he was going to leave me. We have an 11 month old daughter together. I stood by his side when he was serving in Iraq for 6 months while I was pregnant. I have been the best wife ever and if he still can't see how importnat family and a marriage promise is.....well then I have to see that my life will be better without him too. If you just try to accept it. I do, but still have hope and that is why it hurts so much. I've been a stay at home mom and am STILL breastfeeding my little girl. Now I have nothing. I have to ween her and find a job too. Not that I have goton over this myself but I can say, as a person still in pain the best way to get through it is accept it and look to the future. Your kids need you. You need them. Stay strong!

[ready2moveon26]

I agree with what everyone has said about this. I am going through the same thing with my husband for the second time. We seperated for 4 months a few years ago and have been seperated this time for 4 months. We have a 3 year old daughter that keeps saying, I just wanna be a family again...with me and mommy and daddy and our cat in our house. That is very hard. It is all hard and I am dealing with it everyday. He gets our daughter for a week at a time and I get her for a week. It is hard when she is with me, but it is even harder when she isn't. It is not knowing where she is...what she's doing that is hard, but what is even harder for me is who are they with...I don't know and I am not there to protect her and make sure she behaves and takes her medicine...He is a good dad but a horrible husband. He did this to me twice now and I as much as it hurts, I am NOT going to let it happen again. I do love him and I do want him back, but I can't do that to myself and my daughter again. I want him back and I want him to be the person he used to be...the man I married. I am not going to lie, I have tried to and succeeded quite a few times in having fun and trying to forget about him, but when it is time for bed, I write and write to get my feelings out...then I still can't sleep...I know exactly what you mean there. I can not sleep. I can't sleep when my daughter's here and I can't sleep when she isn't. I had a lapse last night and a friend called and made me feel better. Even if your friends don't understand, they'll talk just to get your mind off of him. I wish I could help more, but I am still dealing with it myself. Good luck!