We've already been dating for six months, why won't he ask me to marry him?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

This phenomenon certainly isn't limited to LS, but seeing so many posts on the topic has been truly inspirational: why is that so many women (because, let's be honest, it's always the women) are so desperate to get married right away (and often, at a very young age)?

 

I liken it to a child trying to comprehend the meaning of infinity; in such a premature and finite lifetime, how can a child grasp a meaning that is completely beyond their experience and intellect? Similarly, how can one know to want to spend the rest of their life (forty, fifty, sixty years) with someone you've only been with a number of months, or even a year? It's impossible to tell in such a tiny fraction time; why not wait until you can actually be (more) sure?

 

Are most women just really desperate/insecure, and afraid if they don't get married ASAP they'll spend their lives alone? I'm curious. Thoughts?

[blind_otter]

You got me. I told my SO that we could get married if we were still together in 2015.

[BeautifulMystique]

I'm one of those who isn't desperate to get married so soon. I would definitely take my time on that matter! One year together is still too soon to talk about getting married, let alone GET MARRIED!! I'm in my mid-20s and I am still enjoying myself being a singleton.

[Trialbyfire]

I think marriage is perceived by many, as the ultimate romantic commitment and proof of a man's love. While this is sweet, it's not very realistic, in that there's far more to marriage than something as simplistic as the ultimate gesture of love.

 

We've all grown up with assorted Fairytales, Biblical references and feel-good movies.

[Tanaquil]

Not EVERY girl is pushing her guy to get married . . . 'cuz I've got the reverse situation going on myself.

 

Being a college student, I see a lot of this (meet-marry syndrome) happening around me--I noticed it particularly when one of my guy friends met and started dating this girl, got engaged to her, and planned to marry her all within about nine months. Craziness. Things got weird about a month before the wedding so they called it off--which I and most of his other friends were pretty happy about as the girl seemed rather controlling from what we saw of their relationship. Anyways, watching their relationship sparked some discussions about this phenomenon. The general consensus is that (for college students at least) particularly when people are close to graduation they want to get married--assuming that they have any desire to be married in their life of course--because after they leave school their dating pool will shrink a LOT so why not grab the best they can find before they leave the big pond?

 

Beyond that, well, there are lots of people looking for validation, perhaps that's why?

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

I was just thinking that the people who rush to get married are probably those who do it based on their current (transient) feelings for their partner, rather than a realized, long-term sense of compatability. And that seems like a really fragile thing to base a lifetime off of.

[Star Gazer]

I think marriage is perceived by many, as the ultimate romantic commitment and proof of a man's love. While this is sweet, it's not very realistic, in that there's far more to marriage than something as simplistic as the ultimate gesture of love.

 

I totally agree. But I wonder - would many women be happy just with the proposal? I mean, is that enough of a promise, commitment of a man's love for some? The office manager at my office has been engaged for SIX YEARS (after two years of dating), and she's perfectly happy with that arrangement.

 

Does the same phenomenon exist with regards to the wedding itself? Such as, "He proposed last night, but wants to wait 6 months before we actually get married...why?!??!?!!"

[Aloros]

As with any generalization, you're bound to run into some trouble.

 

In a broad sense, I'd agree with you. Why the rush? Marriage is a big deal; it is for the rest of your life, so if you take the institution seriously, you better be damn sure this is IT before making that committment. Heck, my parents dated for five years before they got married, and I am constantly looking up to their relationship as a shining example.

 

I have a one-year minimum rule before discussing marriage. I'm pretty that my bf was thinking it before the one-year mark, but I made my feelings known on the subject. I'm at an age and a place in my life where I have my little ducks all in a row, and I'm ready to settle down should the right guy happen by (and he has).

 

And really, these things need to be evaluated on a case-by-case basis. I often shake my head at people who meet and are married six months later. But really, who am I to tell them what pace to take their relationship at? Maybe they know something that I don't. I have a friend who met a girl, proposed to her three months later, and three months following that, I was attending their wedding. For all appearances, and from what he tells me, they are very happy together. I'd feel like a Scrooge if I begrudged them that. Who am I to say "you should have waited!"?

 

Perhaps, in some cases, it is not so much insecurity, or a fear of being alone, but of knowing what you want. I've been dating my guy for a year and about five months, knew him a year before that. I'm waiting for a proposal. I know some people would consider that "rushing". But I dated a man for 5.5 years before, spending nearly every day together, and I feel like I know my current bf better. It wasn't a matter of time in this case (well, after my 1-year rule had passed, I feel like by then you've seen the nastier sides of a person's personality) but a matter of compatibility and thus, understanding. I never understood my ex and he never understood me.

 

I'm used to figuring out what I want and taking immediate steps to get it. I have all my ducks in a row because I set goals and worked hard to achieve them. So, you'll understand, it's a little difficult to have the cards taken out of my hand and to be waiting for someone else to dole them out on THEIR time. I have the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and sometimes it's a little hard not to want that to start now as opposed to later (especially since he wants to get married this summer).

 

So maybe if you looked upon these individual cases and tried a little harder to understand rather than judge and ridicule, you might have more success helping people to avoid unpleasant situations. If that is, indeed, what you are attempting to do.

[melodymatters]

I totally agree. But I wonder - would many women be happy just with the proposal? I mean, is that enough of a promise, commitment of a man's love for some? The office manager at my office has been engaged for SIX YEARS (after two years of dating), and she's perfectly happy with that arrangement.

 

Does the same phenomenon exist with regards to the wedding itself? Such as, "He proposed last night, but wants to wait 6 months before we actually get married...why?!??!?!!"

 

 

That's a really interesting point SG ! I know first hand that marriage isn't a magic wand that conveys ultimate happiness, but on the other hand, after being totally committed and in love for a few years, i would want to at least have the " seriousness of purpose" thing established by at least attempting to plan our lives together, and be a fiance instead of a GF or BF.

 

Personally I would be quite happy being "engaged" for years, but if the guy balked at even such a simple thing, I might very well question his commitment !

 

I guess OP, for ME at least, it's not the " marriage", it's the loving me enough to make the commitment in the first place. When and if we walk down some aisle is secondary.

[Trialbyfire]

I totally agree. But I wonder - would many women be happy just with the proposal? I mean, is that enough of a promise, commitment of a man's love for some? The office manager at my office has been engaged for SIX YEARS (after two years of dating), and she's perfectly happy with that arrangement.

 

Does the same phenomenon exist with regards to the wedding itself? Such as, "He proposed last night, but wants to wait 6 months before we actually get married...why?!??!?!!"

From what I've read on LS, it appears your office manager's attitude is unusual. I think after the proposal, the expectation is within a year or two. After this period or if the period of time hasn't been defined, it appears that this also causes issues.

[allina]

I totally agree. But I wonder - would many women be happy just with the proposal? I mean, is that enough of a promise, commitment of a man's love for some? The office manager at my office has been engaged for SIX YEARS (after two years of dating), and she's perfectly happy with that arrangement.

 

 

Funny, I think in cases where a man proposes just to propose there is trouble. It's like he's popping the ring on her finger to shut her up but he doesn't actually intend to make her his wife.

 

The way I look at it is you want to get engaged when you are sure and ready in every way possible that you can, want to and will marry. Proposal shouldn't be something you do as a hold over step while you figure everything else out.

 

I'm a young woman who very much wants to marry her bf I'm 24 and in no rush though we will get engaged sometime when I'm 25-26. I cannot imagine pressuring him to propose now, I see no rush.

[Touche]

I was just thinking that the people who rush to get married are probably those who do it based on their current (transient) feelings for their partner, rather than a realized, long-term sense of compatability. And that seems like a really fragile thing to base a lifetime off of.

 

What a ridiculous generalization..no offense. I totally agree with this:

 

Perhaps, in some cases, it is not so much insecurity, or a fear of being alone, but of knowing what you want.

 

Thank you Aloros for that.

 

Someone else here mentioned that a friend dated and became engaged to marry all in the span of nine months. So? Why is that craziness? My H and I did just that and we're still happy and together 13 years later.

 

I think to do something like that for MOST people (not all) in their 20's is ridiculous. Most people in their 20's have no clue what they really want and don't want. It takes life experience and maturity for that.

 

My H and I were both in our 30's with one marriage each under our belts..not to mention a boatload of experience. We knew within one month that we would spend the rest of our lives together. Is it really so crazy? Not for us it wasn't.

 

Aloros, excellent and very articulate post.

[Lauriebell82]

I also think it's more about compatibility then how much time you wait to get married. My boyfriend's parents got engaged after a month of dating and they have been married for 31 years now. It is best not to rush things and get to know each other, but I think the secret to a happy and successful marriage is about compatibility and compromise, and not about the amount of time you wait before becoming engaged and married.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

It's funny how the only people who agree with getting married before actually knowing someone are the ones who did it/are doing it themselves.

 

Edit: for every anomaly you give me of people getting engaged after a few months and it working out thus far, I can give you ten with the opposite conclusion, ex. my parents got engaged after two months of dating, stayed married for thirty painful years before finally getting divorced, and my mom said not waiting was the worst mistake of her life. So your singularity of cases don't really work; I'm taking about a generalization here.

[Touche]

It's funny how the only people who agree with getting married before actually knowing someone are the ones who did it/are doing it themselves.

 

Edit: for every anomaly you give me of people getting engaged after a few months and it working out thus far, I can give you ten with the opposite conclusion, ex. my parents got engaged after two months of dating, stayed married for thirty painful years before finally getting divorced, and my mom said not waiting was the worst mistake of her life. So your singularity of cases don't really work; I'm taking about a generalization here.

 

First let me correct you on one thing. In our case, we knew each other very, very well by the time we got married. Sure, it was eight months after we met, but that doesn't mean we didn't know each other very well in that time.

 

We haven't had 13 "painful" years by the way...they've been the happiest years of our lives.

 

All of that said, in most cases I will agree with you. Because most people don't bother to take the time to REALLY get to know someone, including their bad sides. Most people don't discuss all the "what ifs", etc. They don't discuss values and stances on child-rearing, etc. etc. etc.

 

We did. But I don't believe that most people do. They think it's enough that they're "in love." It's not. I know.

 

I don't recommend it for most people. But I know of other very happily married couples who also got married in less than a year from the first meeting. My parents included. And they weren't miserable. They were very happy.

 

So maybe you just haven't met enough of those couples?

 

I liked your post Lauriebelle. You nailed it on your last sentence. That's what is key. Not some arbitrary amount of time you know your SO. One can date for YEARS and still not know a person deeply and intimately. And dating for years doesn't guarantee compatibility either.

[Lauriebell82]

It's funny how the only people who agree with getting married before actually knowing someone are the ones who did it/are doing it themselves.

 

Edit: for every anomaly you give me of people getting engaged after a few months and it working out thus far, I can give you ten with the opposite conclusion, ex. my parents got engaged after two months of dating, stayed married for thirty painful years before finally getting divorced, and my mom said not waiting was the worst mistake of her life. So your singularity of cases don't really work; I'm taking about a generalization here.

 

Oh, please give us a break. You could say the same thing about people being in miserable marriages after dating for 2+ years. Like I said, it's about compatibility, not about how long you take to get to know each other.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Riiight...and how do you know you're compatible with someone? By going to a psychic? That must be it, it couldn't be by actually spending time in your relationship to get ot know them!

[Lauriebell82]

Riiight...and how do you know you're compatible with someone? By going to a psychic? That must be it, it couldn't be by actually spending time in your relationship to get ot know them!

 

Spending time together doesn't make you compatible. Talking about views on things, future plans, opinions on important issues, values, children and marriage issues, where you want to live, what you want to do with your life, things about yourself, ect.

 

Yes, this requires spending time together, but like Touche said, you can spend time with someone and be together for a long time without really getting to know them..thats why the divorce rate is so damn high!

[Tanaquil]

Someone else here mentioned that a friend dated and became engaged to marry all in the span of nine months. So? Why is that craziness? My H and I did just that and we're still happy and together 13 years later.

 

Sorry, probably didn't make myself clear--it wasn't so much the time frame so much as how destructive the relationship seemed to be to my friend and what his reasons were for attempting to continue the relationship.

 

I agree with Lauriebell that it's more about compatibility rather than time spent together although it does take time in order to work out compatibility. That said, it makes sense to me to wait a little longer rather than rush things. One of my older sisters got engaged to a man that she'd known for under 4 months, and got married at 19. She married a great guy and they have a good relationship, however, she'll admit that if she could go back and do things over again she'd wait a while before settling down, NOT because she has any issues with her husband, but because by taking more time they may have been able to avoid some of the rough patches that they went through.

[Racquel Colette]

I have never read a post where it was not justified that the woman would expect to get married. It is cases of men who have had their girlfriend move in with promises of engagement soon. It isn't a case of "dating" six months as you have said, the ones posted here are the ones where it is over a year or longer (usually much longer), and it has been discussed.

It's a matter of the guy being deceptive, the ole 'bait and switch' so he can keep with the woman and getting the milk and all the other benefits of marriage without actually making that commitment.

Ladies, you need to be telling your man after 1 year of dating, if it hasn't been discussed already "I plan on marriage and a family in my future. If you are not seeing that in your future, I need to move on and find a man who does want that."

That's all it takes, ladies, but you have to follow through with it and don't buy the "I'm just not ready" crap.

[Rachel_0814p]

I think outside pressure from society has a lot to do with young people, women especially, wanting to beeline for the alter.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and I can't even count the number of times I've been asked, "So when are you two getting married, why aren't you engaged and how many kids do you want to have???" All in one breath. And it all started about 6 months after we'd started casually dating.

 

If it weren't for the fact that both of us have been married before and so we already know better, we probably would've tied the knot within the first year of dating just because everyone we know has this attitude that that is what we're supposed to do. It's just ridiculous.