is divorce the only answer?

[tiramisu]

I'm having a similar problem to DawnDelight's post 'Mulitple Problems" (a couple of posts ago). My husband and I met online and after a few months, in person and then we moved in together. We're now in our sixth year as couple and have been married for a little over 4 years. We also have a son who will be 4 this summer. Anyways, during the first year of our relationship, my husband was very kind and caring, though slightly physically abusive and jealous at times. In all honesty, I had decided to break up with him and move back to my home state near my family but then I found out that I was pregnant. And at the time, my younger sister was pregant, too and the family did not take it well at all and were ashamed of her not being married and having a child out of wedlock. Seeing how negatively they treated her, I gave in and married him to avoid them doing the same to me. Towards the end of my pregnancy, we moved back down to my home state to live in a small house that my grandmother is letting us live in for very little rent. While I was pregnant and for the first year after my son was born, my husband was relatively kind and waited on me hand and foot when he was home. He did hit me during that time and I told my family about it...they told him if he ever touched me in anger again, they would pay for our divorce. He hasn't hit me again since then.

 

After almost 2 years, he lost his job and went on unemployment (in 2001). I took a job working for one of our family's businesses under the agreement that I could quit when he got a new job because my aunt (who is my boss) is very...stressful to work for. Instead, he stayed home and sucked up the unemployment until it ran out and played Mr. Mom. He finally found a new job after my dad arranged a job interview for him. However, he expects me to keep working and as I have told him, I would like to go back to college and finish my last two years (I dropped out when we first met to move in with him a few states away) so we can move away from my mother's family and all of the negative drama they create. The problem is that while I am motivated to change things, my husband is content to complain about them but not do anything aside from spendihg all of his off-time online playing games or chatting. He also doesn't think that he should have to do any housework now that he has a job, but I think that we should share duties since I'm still working. I admit, that after being very independent and then having him wait on me in the first few years of the relationship, I got used to it and am a bit messy now. I'm trying to go back to being independent but it's like he wants me to cling to him emotionally and mentally. As far as our sexual relationship goes, we went from having sex 5 times a day in the beginning to only twice a month now...and we're only 26 (me) & 28 (him) years old. I know that I haven't lost all of the weight I gained when I was pregnant but I recently started a diet & exercise program that is working for me. He's told me before that he uses sex against me...like it's a reward for when I do things that make him happy...but witholding it from me just makes me more angry and resentful and I'm honestly starting to wonder if I still love him anymore at all. I mean, I know I do but the less intimate he is with me, the more I get the urge to look elsewhere and it's freaking me out. Is it possible for a relationship to just go platonic over time? Bleh...if anyone reads this, thanks for your time. I know I haven't presented this very legibly or in an easy to follow manner, so my apologies in advance...

[flower]

my view: Think you both have to work hard in rejuvenating the sparks in the marriage. Inevitably, with the passing of time, couples grew comfortable with each other and forget to appreciate their partner as before. It's not the end. You should both take time off to go on a short quiet trip together to talk and iron out the issues/concerns that both of you have lingering in the current situation. Check to see he knows what you're thinking and his willingness to make the marriage work wonders again

[Tony T]

Where I'm concerned, if I were a woman the first time a man hit me in anger (and especially if I was pregnant) the police would be called, he would be in jail and I would be on my way to an attorney's office. So everything after that in your post is stuff I wouldn't even consider.

 

Your marriage was NOT meant to happen. It just did because of the kid...and by your own admission even that wouldn't have happened if your sis hadn't beat you to getting preggo and pissed off your parents.

 

What a romantic adventure!!! Your husband sux.

[NEONINK]

Boy, this is one of those... If we knew then what we know now:

 

"I would like to go back to college and finish my last two years (I dropped out when we first met to move in with him a few states away)"

 

You were carefree, young, full of life, no responsibilities. It's funny how alone or scared or incomplete we feel if we don't have a companion. If you hadn't been around the guy very much, didn't know his friends, his family, his demeanor... Why? Well anyway, what's done is done. Right?

 

Now where do you go from here? Please don't let this guy abuse you ever again. You are worth more than that! He could just as easily harm your child.

 

You don't need anyone, but yourself. However, there's a really great kid that needs you now more than ever. So regardless of the outcome, something good came from this online romance.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Divorce MAY BE your only answer.

 

You're going to have to sit him down for a "wake-up" talk. Give him the ultimatum..."we fix this, or I'm out."

 

No one can tell you if you should leave or stay. That's something you will figure out yourself in time. My bet is, when you've finally had enough, you'll go and you won't stop to look back.

 

As a matter of fact, you have already taken the first steps. Women tend to disconnect emotionally months before they actually walk out the door. They loose weight, change their appearance, begin a new career or enter college...and once they have regained their self-esteem and confidence, they no longer feel the need to cling to a dying relationship. Men seldom recognize the signs, and are often blind-sided when this woman, whom they have taken for granted so long, walks out the door without so much as a "see ya later."

 

Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. They are not living your life and will not rescue you from your situation. You're responsible for your own happiness, and I guarantee once you find the courage to leave, you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

 

You have survived both physical AND emotional abuse in this marriage. And that's not what relationships are all about.

 

Dysfunction - The gift that keeps giving.

[BadMan]

Dump him. He is a loser, you deserve better.

[Carly]

I think that it would help you to understand his problems before deciding what to do.

 

I am wondering if he has a personality disorder, and I am thinking that "narcissistic personality disorder" might fit his problem. If this is the case, and you understand it for what it is, then you will be clearer on your options with this man:

 

You could staty with him, BUT you must never provoke or threaten his pride. Nor could you ever demand, hint for, or expect emotional closeness in any way from him. that will only make him worse.

 

If he has NPD, you must fully understand that he has practically no capacity to feel other people's feelings or pain; therefore he will never be there for you emotionally. His needs are all that matter to him.

 

If he has NPD, this is a man who will twist any situation around to make others look and feel guilty, wrong or self-serving. He will never see his own faults or own up to his mistakes.

 

Finally, if he has NPD this is a man who hates himself profoundly at the inner core. That is not your fault, it is not your problem, and there is nothing you can do to fix his problems.

 

If you DON'T abide by this understanding of a NPD, then life with him will be hell.

 

If you can't abide by this understanding, and you don't want a life of hell, then you may consider leaving him.

 

Here is a website to start understanding him:

 

http://www.suite101.com/welcome.cfm/npd

 

Good luck.