I finally lost it!

[Curmudgeon]

Months ago my wife and I planned to run away for Christmas -- just send all our children and their families checks and take off for the holidays; no shopping, no decorating, no nothing but enjoying being together.

 

I reserved a cottage on the beach on the central Oregon coast. We bought a new car. We were all set. Then my wife started voicing concerns about the weather we'd encounter getting there, the cost (not an issue to me), travelling that far, etc. I cancelled the cottage, cancelled all the lodgings in between here and there we'd need. End of those runaway plans.

 

Then my wife said she'd like to spend time in San Francisco (I hate that town) seeing it at Christmas, going to the many museums, maybe seeing a play, etc. Since I belong to a military-based private club right off Union Square I made reservations for five nights and also reserved seats on Amtrak to get us there since a car is not necessary (cabs, cable cars, trolleys). I even ordered new luggage (we needed it). We were all set, again.

 

Tonight my wife informed me that I'm the most wonderful, consistent and loving man she has ever had in her life (her words). Even her father could not hold a candle to my devotion to her. But even given that, she cannot find the motivation to give me what I deserve because she's too depressed too often.

 

Shortly thereafter I discovered that the luggage, which was supposed to be delivered today by UPS was in fact delivered and signed for. I traced it because it certainly wasn't delivered here. I hope that Mark (not my name and certainly not my wife's) who lives about a mile away from us at an address not even close to ours and signed for the delivery enjoys it because he's the one who got it. Then again, maybe Mark had a trip planned as well. Hope he needed it.

 

That was the last straw. I cancelled the train. I cancelled the hotel. I'm going to cancel most of my scheduled vacation. Why bother? I told my wife that I'm not throwing any more money away trying to provide artificial happiness. She wasn't this bad when we married and I know she couldn't have been this bad before we married or she never would have had a successful career. So why now?

 

I understand that my wife has periodic depressions which are "natural" because of her disorder. But it's been five years of this and I'm on my last nerve. It wasn't that huge a problem while she worked but ever since she retired, it's all been down hill. That's been five years of this crap and if she can't find the motivation to accomodate this marriage and my needs then why bother?

 

My bottom line was that she has an appointment with her doctor next week. I told her she’d better not cancel it, reschedule it or fail to show up for it for any reason short of death and/or dismemberment or all bets are off. She’d also better be very open and honest with him about how much she's putting this marriage and her future at risk because it’s the truth. Then she’d better follow-through with whatever treatment plan he establishes for her TO THE LETTER.

 

If she fails to do any of those then I’ll have no choice but to consider myself used for the past 11 years and not worth the effort as far as she's concerned. That will be just as much of a deal-breaker as would be infidelity.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why dont you also cancel joint bank accounts and credit cards while your at it. Your not giving her any money to be banged by another man. That isnt right!

 

I thought your marriage was solid WTF happened?

[Citizen Erased]

Why dont you also cancel joint bank accounts and credit cards while your at it. Your not giving her any money to be banged by another man. That isnt right!

 

I thought your marriage was solid WTF happened?

 

Huh? He didn't mention her sleeping with some other guy... Some guy named Mark who was accidentally mailed their luggage... am I misreading this or something?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think when he said mark, that's a possible name of OM that he alluded to. That's how I read it.

[RecordProducer]

I think when he said mark, that's a possible name of OM that he alluded to. That's how I read it.

Noooo, not at all. Some Mark signed the delivery note.

 

Curm, I find it amusing how you integrated the luggage story into the failing-marriage context.

 

I don't know what to say, but I think you and your wife will find ways to deal with this. Perhaps sometimes it's better to not try too hard, because your spouse starts thinking too highly of themselves and lets you do all the work.

[Lyssa]

Why dont you also cancel joint bank accounts and credit cards while your at it. Your not giving her any money to be banged by another man. That isnt right!

 

I thought your marriage was solid WTF happened?

 

A gentleman venting about his W, you saw another guy's name and you assumed W is sleeping with him... thanks for making me laugh!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Lol.

 

Hey, you never know. S*it happens!

 

All this time reading these boards nothing quite shocks me anymore.

[marlena]

then I’ll have no choice but to consider myself used for the past 11 years and not worth the effort as far as she's concerned

 

 

You know this is not true! I doubt that your wife ever used you. She is simply depressed. Perhaps because of retirement and middle age. That would be enough to send a lot of people into the throes of an existential crisis. She just needs help, perhaps even medication.

I don't know if you have any reserves of strength left in you, but if you do, draw on them and help her as much as you can.

 

My instinct tells me you are right for one another.

[Kasan]

I think that one of the problems for her (on top of the depression and bi-polar disorder) is the fact that she is retired C. She was used to being in the thick of things--as a mover and shaker. She still sees you being challenged and excelling in your career.

 

It's too bad that she can't go back and do something with her midwifery, or something equally challenging. I talk about retiring all the time, but I think that I would die if I did. To much time on your hands is not a good thing.

 

I think that her unhappiness stems from this and not you, and her medical issues aren't helping.

 

Do you think that it's time to change the medications? Are these the kind of medications that become less effective over time?

[Curmudgeon]

Do you think that it's time to change the medications? Are these the kind of medications that become less effective over time?

 

The nature of the disorder changes over time and with age so the meds have to be changed or adjusted.

 

She has an appointment next week for just that purpose -- a complete treatment review including the meds. If there are changes then there will have to be a settling in period until they take effect.

 

All that's fine with me. However, she hasn't always followed up on treatment completely. Last night I toild her that this time she has to follow her doctor's directions to the letter. If she does so and there are still problems it's not her fault and the "In sickness and in health" clause kicks-in. If she fails to, that's a deal breaker.

[Curmudgeon]

Why dont you also cancel joint bank accounts and credit cards while your at it. Your not giving her any money to be banged by another man. That isnt right!

 

I thought your marriage was solid WTF happened?

 

She's not having an affair. Luggage I ordered was delivered to the wrong person (because it wasn't me) at the wrong address. That's all there was to that. It simply added t my frustration but had NOTHING to do with my wife!

[Curmudgeon]

A gentleman venting about his W, you saw another guy's name and you assumed W is sleeping with him... thanks for making me laugh!

 

What a leap!

[2sunny]

settle down now honey!

 

you have things to work through - as we all do! nobody died... so you still have work to do - and try to be patient C=Lion!

 

((((hugs to you))))

[underpants]

My instinct tells me you are right for one another.

 

My instinct tells me this too.

 

I do hope you two can work it out.

 

Middle age and retirement can make the best of people nostalgic for their lost youth. Couple that with a mental disorder and well...I just hope she can mentally pull it together and prioritize her commitment to you and avoid making any damaging decisions.

 

Have you studied the effects of bpd with aging?

 

There are so many new and wonderful challenges that retired life can bring. There are many opportunities and challenges for seniors and the freedom to explore healthy passions. Maybe she will come out of her funk and see this time as one of adventure and you as her adventure partner.

 

As far as your wish to move. Maybe you can convince her to try it for 2 years. If it does not feel so permanent then that might ease her resistance. Once she is in a new place she might find after a while that she likes it.

 

I wish you the best.

[Kasan]

The nature of the disorder changes over time and with age so the meds have to be changed or adjusted.

 

She has an appointment next week for just that purpose -- a complete treatment review including the meds. If there are changes then there will have to be a settling in period until they take effect.

 

All that's fine with me. However, she hasn't always followed up on treatment completely. Last night I toild her that this time she has to follow her doctor's directions to the letter. If she does so and there are still problems it's not her fault and the "In sickness and in health" clause kicks-in. If she fails to, that's a deal breaker.

 

I really think that once the meds get adjusted she will level out.

 

C--what nice thing can you do for yourself? I really sense that you are at the end of your rope. You been in the trenches with her for 11 years, what is a month or two in the scheme of things?

 

Deep breathe, you know that this isn't/hasn't been easy at all--it's most likely the illness speaking.

[Curmudgeon]

I really think that once the meds get adjusted she will level out.

 

C--what nice thing can you do for yourself? I really sense that you are at the end of your rope. You been in the trenches with her for 11 years, what is a month or two in the scheme of things?

 

Deep breathe, you know that this isn't/hasn't been easy at all--it's most likely the illness speaking.

 

Nice thing for myself? That's never been my focus. Better that I just count my blessings, which are many, and concentrate on those.

 

It's been a really rough five years since she retired but you're right, Kasan, a couple more months won't matter in the overall scheme of things.

 

On a brighter note, the luggage arrived tonight, unopened and not tampered with. Serendipitously enough, it was delivered by mistake, along with 19 other luggage sets from the same manufacturer, to a local luggage retailer with three stores. That's who Mark was!

 

Go figure!

[Curmudgeon]

My instinct tells me this too.

 

I do hope you two can work it out.

 

Middle age and retirement can make the best of people nostalgic for their lost youth. Couple that with a mental disorder and well...I just hope she can mentally pull it together and prioritize her commitment to you and avoid making any damaging decisions.

 

Have you studied the effects of bpd with aging?

 

There are so many new and wonderful challenges that retired life can bring. There are many opportunities and challenges for seniors and the freedom to explore healthy passions. Maybe she will come out of her funk and see this time as one of adventure and you as her adventure partner.

 

As far as your wish to move. Maybe you can convince her to try it for 2 years. If it does not feel so permanent then that might ease her resistance. Once she is in a new place she might find after a while that she likes it.

 

I wish you the best.

 

As Bette Davis said, "There ain't nothin' about aging for sissies!" We'll likely work through this in time UNLESS there's a huge misstep along the way.

[Curmudgeon]

settle down now honey!

 

you have things to work through - as we all do! nobody died... so you still have work to do - and try to be patient C=Lion!

 

((((hugs to you))))

 

I know. I know. Patience is not a natural virtue for me and I'm still testing my limits.

 

I'll do my best.

 

Hugs back!

[Lyssa]

On a brighter note, the luggage arrived tonight, unopened and not tampered with. Serendipitously enough, it was delivered by mistake, along with 19 other luggage sets from the same manufacturer, to a local luggage retailer with three stores. That's who Mark was!

 

Go figure!

 

So Mark isn't having an A with your wife!! . Imagine if all 19 luggage sets were dropped off at your doorsteps!

 

I hope you both will pull through, Curmudgeon!

[Art_Critic]

C-

 

Try not to lose sight of your own happiness along the way though..

 

If things don't improve and the med adjustment doesn't help then try not to make it your fault ( as I know a BP can do when they cycle ) or your shortcoming and try to fix it by staying in something that makes you and her unhappy...

You are only human and you do have your limits..

 

By the way.. this wasn't meant to be a nay saying post.. just trying to keep your eyes open some...

You and your wife sound like your were made for one another and your wife is lucky to have you and I hope it all works out for you...

[2sunny]

I know. I know. Patience is not a natural virtue for me and I'm still testing my limits.

 

I'll do my best.

 

Hugs back!

 

you'll do fine - i know you will- there are worse things in life and you know it!

[Curmudgeon]

Good advice, as always, and I hope it all works out too.

 

I will NOT make the same mistake I did last time of staying way too long and wasting a lot of precious years, especially at my age, if it becomes clear that it's fruitless, however.

[Curmudgeon]

...I don't want to erxperience them, thank you. Oops! I think I already have, in a former life.

 

You're special!

[Touche]

Hang in there, Curm. By the way, I agree with AC. Don't lose sight of your own needs and your own happiness along the way.

 

No matter how much you love your wife, when the bad outweighs the good, it's better to cut your losses. We only live once.

 

That being said, with all my heart, I'm rooting for you to make it. It really sounds like you both love each other a lot.

 

I was confused though about why you canceled the S.F. trip. Unless I missed something, your wife was willing to take that trip, right? Did you cancel it just because she didn't want to take the trip YOU wanted? How about taking this trip and the next one will be YOUR choice. I mean a good marriage is about give and take, right?

[Curmudgeon]

I was confused though about why you canceled the S.F. trip. Unless I missed something, your wife was willing to take that trip, right? Did you cancel it just because she didn't want to take the trip YOU wanted? How about taking this trip and the next one will be YOUR choice. I mean a good marriage is about give and take, right?

 

She wanted to cancel the Oregon trip and take the SF trip instead and I was really fine with that. In some ways, I'm quite flexible.

 

It's hard to explain my reasoning about the cancellation of the SF trip without being somewhat disparaging of my wife which isn't my normal style or one I'm comfortable with.

 

Suffice it to sayI wanted to see some tangible effort put into our relationship from her and some improvement in her approach to "us" before I committed to not just the expense but spending that kind of time with her 24/7.

 

I simply told her that if she was not getting any pleasure from our marriage at this particular time, I wasn't willing to inject artificial pleasure, i.e. a trip, into the mix. We have to have it here before we try to take it elsewhere.