he got engaged!!

[Darkangel]

my problem is a little complicated and I know everyone will tell me to do the ethical thing and stay away but...

 

I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend. when we broke up the last time we stopped speaking for 3 years. Last week he looked up my email address and got in touch with me. Totally unexpected of him!! I had been searching for his email before but to no avail. Anyways, he still doesn't know how I feel. Why you ask? He got engaged 2 months ago! I didn't know this when I was looking for him.

 

I gave him my number but he refused to call saying that hes now engaged and shouldn't be calling but he continues to email me everyday. He also mentioned he doesn't want his fiance to know we speak. I think the reason may be that (and I may be over analizing this) everytime we begin to speak on the phone or see each other, we end up getting back together. I still continue to talk to him and I really really want him back - even before I knew he was engaged. He said he deosn't want to stop talking to me because he still finds me very interesting. He has no idea how I feel and I have no intention of telling anytime soon.

 

I've done it all people. Gotten rid of every letter and gift he ever gotten me, cut communication for years but I still can't help but think of him. What do I do besides hoping and praying the engagement gets broken up.

[NEONINK]

He's either emotionally cheating or getting cold feet.

 

Would you want him, if this is what he does to his fiance???

 

ouch.

[midori]

I think Neonink is right on the money. If his fiancee can't know about your interaction w/him -- and you can't even know his phone number -- then it isn't a friendship. Which sounds good for you at first, right? But consider the following:

 

1. If he's doubtful about his fiancee he needs to deal with that directly, instead of by passively sneaking behind her back to get in touch with an ex. Not fair to his fiancee.

 

2. He has no business getting in touch with you until he knows exactly where he stands. If he's happy in his relationship and thrilled to be getting married, then there's no reason that he should have to hide a friendship w/you from his fiancee -- you're not a leper. Nor are you a parachute or a back-up generator: if he's thinking he doesn't want to be with her after all he should take care of that before testing the water with you again. Not fair to you.

 

Sounds to me like a very selfish fellow. It also sounds like you're not going to be able to walk away (although that would be the best option). So I suggest you tell him that he needs to be more straightforward about what this is all about. If he's interested in a friendship it ought to be one that can survive in the daylight, with his fiancee's knowledge. You're not willing to be a closet-friend. And if he's thinking he wants more than friendship, he better get his ducks in a row before he comes on to you.

 

For what it's worth, unfortunately I suspect this will end, at best, in frustration for you. And possibly hurt will come as well. It's pretty clear that he doesn't view you as just a friend (thus the need to hide you from his fiancee). But it's equally clear that he's not really prepared to do anything decisive, or to be thoughtful of how his actions affect you.

 

Lastly, if he does claim to just want a friendship with you and is willing to let his fiancee know about the friendship, you will then be faced with a dilemma because your motives in the relationship will be false. You don't want to just be his friend. You don't want his relationship w/his fiancee to succeed. It's really wrong to fly under false colors like that, and is all too likely to cause you hurt as well. So think about how you'll respond if it turns out that he's not interested in pursuing anything romantic with you, and genuinely just wants a friendship. Doesn't sound like something you could engage in honestly.

[NEONINK]

Good grief, didn't they make they into a movie a few years back with Carmen Diez and Julia Roberts?

 

[DARKANGEL]

I know what all of you are saying does make sense but after talking to him everyday for the past 2 weeks, we only realize how much more we have in common. Its the oddest thing, we both have changed in so many ways yet seem to have changed in the exact same way. this only makes it harder for me to let him go.

[julieg]

darkangel-

how long did you date your ex and who broke up with whom and for what reason. also how old were you at the time of the breakup?

what is happening to you is exactly what happened to me with my ex. i broke up with him and broke all communication for 2 years. he contacted me and tried to reconnect which is something i wanted at that time. however i knew he was involved seriously with another woman for a while and the rumor was he was getting engaged soon. it wasn't fair of me to give him false hope and ruin what he had with his new relationship. there was a real reason for our initial breakup that probably would resurface eventually. isn't this true with you adn your ex?

[darkangel]

not really. we first went out for 2 years in highschool. broke up because my parents didn't like him (even though they didn't even know him). They didn't want me to get attached at such a young age. We got back together in University for over a year and I broke it up again - this time because I felt I needed to get out there and have other experiences with relationships. Hes all I've ever known yet I felt I needed to grow and experience other relationships to know what I want. I didn't want to cheat on him so I thought this would be the best thing. Now I know hes all I want but it may be too late!

[midori]

I know how wonderful this must seem to you -- a second chance with a man you love. But take a step back and look at what he's doing in a broader context.

 

He's withdrawing from a relationship that he has supposedly fully committed himself to, by engaging in a secrect correspondence with you. He's sharing himself with you and thus is NOT sharing himself with his fiancee. He's sabotaging his relationship with her.

 

OK, maybe he is coming to realize that his relationship with his fiancee is not all it should be. This is not the right way to go about addressing that problem. It's not fair to her -- it's all being done behind her back, without her participation. Does she even know that he has doubts? Or is this something that will be sprung on her from out of the blue?

 

So that's the first, and probably biggest, things that's wrong with his behavior. If he can do that to her, he could do that to you later. How would you like to build a relationship with someone who's secretly building escape hatches for himself -- secret "friendships" with other women, things that he doesn't open up to you about, etc. Those are all passive-aggressive mechanisms to distance oneself from a relationship.

 

You should also look at what he's doing to you. He's pulling you into an emotionally intimate connection to him, but it's one you cannot rely on. His doubts about his fiancee do not mean he's going to leave her.

 

If he were emotionally mature and responsible, and somehow found himself engaged to a woman with whom he did not feel close, he would deal with it directly, by orienting himself to the relationship with his fiancee, and seeing if they could improve things. He wouldn't react by reaching out to someone else. If the relationship with his fiancee proved to be un-fixable, he'd end it. That's what grown-up people who are in control of their emotional lives do. Instead, he's being dishonest with his fiancee, and is dragging you into his angst and melodrama.

 

It's so easy for some people to quickly "connect" with other people in ways that seem substantial and significant at the time. And while they're sincere in the moment, the connection is quite shallow and easily dissolved in their minds. They live for themselves and in the moment; they're not thinking about the possible consequences their actions could have for themselves or other people. In my experience such people like to cite "fate" or "luck" or other intangible forces as the reasons for why things are the way they are. "It's just not meant to be" is an old favorite for why a relationship isn't working out.

 

I've learned the hard way that these are people one shouldn't get emotionally involved with, because they're inconstant, self-deluding, and above all self-absorbed. They're not capable of keeping your best interests at heart.

 

So while this must seem to be your best hopes realized, I think it's just the opposite. This guy is showing very clearly that he's not good relationship material. His way of engaging in "love," is hopelessly compromised. He's probably got years of growing to do before he'll be ready for anything truly meaningful that could last. He certainly isn't there right now.

[julieg]

midori is so WISE-great advice--right on the mark!

 

my ex who had tried to rekindle things with me later (2 months to be exact after i refused to get back together) got engaged to his girlfriend. you could say he really loved her after all or just "settled". i guess i will never know. but listen to this:

 

i found out about 6 years after he had married her that he had been unfaithfull. so there you are character really does count!

[Lilyann]

This situation sounds very similar to my own. I think that we might be around the same age also, early-mid 20's. From reading your post the background on my realtionship is similar. However, my parents did like him and we dated for three years and off and on for two. Anyway, my point being is that you need to let him go. I know that it is hard and you have tried as you say, but you need to completely do so. Which you have not. He is engaged. At least you have this engagement time. I was text messaged that my ex got married. I found out on the day of my college graduation. They had only been dating for 4 - 6 monthes. What made the situation harder for me is that last July he asked me to marry him, but never asked my father (which is important to him). I KNOW THAT IT HURTS! I would be lying if I said it didn't. Your ex has found someone knew in his life and has said that he doesn't want her to know about you. If he still had feeling for you anything more than a friend (which is not healthy right now to be) you would be wearing his ring and she wouldn't. As for the friend thing, I lost my best friend the one who knew everything about me as I am sure you have, but you cannot remain friends. DO you really want a "secret friendship"? The next few months will be hard, esp after he says "I do". It hasn't even been a month ( the 11th) since I have talked to my ex. I still dream about him, I have for the past three nights. There is no way to block out the memories, the pain, or the heart ache. I hear that they say that they will pass, but the light is yet to been seen. Hold onto your ground, don't go on his emotional rollar coaster, because if he questioned his feelings once again you would be wearing Mr.------'s ring. You said that you still find each other intertesting, but oddly enough the both of you at one time did not find each other interesting enough because you broke up and went your seperate ways. I do reccommend that you forget about him, and cut off all contact before you cause yourself any more pain with could of, should have beens. Send me a message if this helped or I can be of any more assitance.

 

Lilyann

[ThisGirlNameKD]

If in fact you are in your early-mid 20s, I can honestly say you have not given yourself alot of time in finding other people who would be good for you, and that being the case, I can see why you are going back to someone "familiar". It's impossible for you to know for sure that this guy has completely changed in all of a few weeks or corresponding online of all things. He could be telling you anything. How would you know if it's true? You're not there to see it! And if him corresponding with you behind his fiance's back sounds exciting or romantic to you, that all may indicate that you're not ready for a new, serious and mature relationship with someone who may be better, which is why you're letting yourself fall for this guy all over again. You feel comfortable with him.

You wish in someone way that the engagement would be over, but what you're actually wishing for is another girl's pain...his fiance's. And that would be very selfish of both of you. As the earlier postings brought out, if he's really feeling dissatisfied he would end the relationship with her way before he thinks of getting back with you. And if his intentions of contacting you were good and innocent, he would be able to tell his fiance about you and that the both of you corresponding with one another. The fact that he's sneaking around indicates that he's someone that can't be trusted, I don't care how long you've known him. People can surprise you. And if he's sneaking around talking with you behind his fiance's back, you will never be 100% sure that he wouldn't do the same with you if the both of you got together.