Calling all MM/MW...

[Virgo1982]

Oh buh-rother...we aren't in therapy anymore, and it sure doesn't feel like we have to work at anything now.

 

Sorry to disappoint you, it seems like you want marriage to be a constant struggle? Well it isn't, it isn't always work, I should know, I've been at it a long time.

 

Methinks you could benefit from some therapy for that Jekyl/Hyde thing you've got going on.

 

I am a former OW who would like to get married in the future. I was participating in a forum discussion in which this statement appears. Do you all feel that M take work and effort?

 

That's all I said and now, I'm being accused of being anti-marriage.

 

Is M a walk easier for some and harder for others? Do you think that M is something that requires hard work for each party involved regardless of the personalities? Please share your thoughts.

[Cobra_X30]

Is M a walk easier for some and harder for others? Do you think that M is something that requires hard work for each party involved regardless of the personalities? Please share your thoughts.

 

I think your more Anti-Oyster than anything.

 

However, to the point. The better matched your two personalities, goals, and desires are... the less work it will take. Also, the easier the situation your life is in the less effort your marriage will take.

 

That said. Like any Relationship... it always requires some work!

[Virgo1982]

I think your more Anti-Oyster than anything.

 

However, to the point. The better matched your two personalities, goals, and desires are... the less work it will take. Also, the easier the situation your life is in the less effort your marriage will take.

 

That said. Like any Relationship... it always requires some work!

 

Okay, so you agree. Great. I don't think you'll be the first or last to think this way. I was just making sure I wasn't losing my mind.

 

Cobra, I'm just trying to make sure I'm not Anti-Virgo. Because every day I'm Anti-Virgo is every day I lose growth. I hope you can understand that. If not, at least we agree on what I've asked. Thanks.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think it's a fine line. If it's a struggle every day, then your either with the wrong person or the two of you are in the wrong situation.

 

But even good marriages hit speed bumps large and small. And, under those conditions, you have to be willing to work at several things - communication, empathy and forgiveness amongst them. If either partner gets emotionally lazy for an extended period of time, things can get ugly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Impudent Oyster]

Okay, so you agree. Great. I don't think you'll be the first or last to think this way. .

 

With all due respect to Cobra, he's NEVER been married.

 

I thought you wanted the opinions of married people? FWIW, I've been married for over 20 years, so I think I have a good idea of whether it takes work or not, and Mr. Lucky is right, occasionally, when marriage hits a rough patch, it does, but in my experience, that's only been about 5% of the time.

 

The other 95% of the time it's no work at all. If it was I'd be exhausted and likely divorced by now.

[bish]

With all due respect to Cobra, he's NEVER been married.

 

 

Smart man....Cobra...STAY THAT WAY!!

[jj2007]

I am a former OW who would like to get married in the future. I was participating in a forum discussion in which this statement appears. Do you all feel that M take work and effort?

 

That's all I said and now, I'm being accused of being anti-marriage.

 

Is M a walk easier for some and harder for others? Do you think that M is something that requires hard work for each party involved regardless of the personalities? Please share your thoughts.

 

 

IMO yes a marriage takes work and effort to keep it strong. I think if the marriage partners are more compatible there may be less effort involved but it does take some work to keep it going.

[OpenBook]

I was just making sure I wasn't losing my mind... I'm just trying to make sure I'm not Anti-Virgo. Because every day I'm Anti-Virgo is every day I lose growth.

 

:D I hear ya Virgo!! I'm in exactly the same boat... although I'm not so sure I want to get married eventually.

 

And I don't think you're losing your mind at all. Marriage DOES take work. A lot of it. The other person has REALLY gotta be worth it to you. And both parties (not just one of them) have to value each other above all others, in order for it to be successful. IMHO.

 

The better matched your two personalities, goals, and desires are... the less work it will take.

 

I strongly agree with this, based on my experience with my one brief M when I was very young. Madly in love with him, but didn't see the incompabilities until it was too late. I advise my daughter on this (but ONLY because she asks me!!) -- that love is not enough to sustain a long-lasting R. You have to be compatible with each other. And compatible does NOT necessarily mean the same. For example, it works better if he's strong in an area where you're weak... and vice versa.

 

Also, the easier the situation your life is in the less effort your marriage will take.

 

I strongly DISagree with this!! I've seen couples go through unbelievable struggles in their lives, and it just makes their R a stronger bond. In fact, hardships may even be the catalyst for strengthening it. But I have also seen R's where outside forces have destroyed it. But in those R's, I think the foundation was fatally flawed to begin with.

[reboot]

Marriage definitely takes a lot of work. I think a many, many people make the mistake of thinking, why should it be work, if it's work I don't want to do it, if we're compatible why should we have to work. That's a really bad way to look at it. I know my wife and I both thought that for many years. When we first got married we were so madly in love neither of us could do any wrong.

 

But that doesn't last.

 

And I think it just makes it that much more a disappointment when it isn't just "happily ever after" like you imagine it should be.

 

But why is everyone talking like work is a bad thing?

 

Don't most of us get up every day and go to a job? Don't we have to clean the house and cook dinner? If we want to keep our yard looking nice, don't we mow and water it, prune the hedges? Do we jusy say, screw this, this is work, let the grass get knee high?

 

Now, you notice I avoid using the word hard when I say work. It doesn't always have to be hard. When you get to one of those downtimes that people have been mentioning, yes, of course it's hard work. But even in the best of times it's still work. But that doesn't mean it has to be sweaty, dirty manual labor. Giving your spouse a kiss and a kind word is not hard. But it can be work if you don't really feel like it.

 

It takes "work" to come home after a hard day, stressed out and tired, to give your spouse a hug instead of snapping at them. It takes "work" to really listen to your spouse's opinion on a subject when you consider them wrong. Just a couple of examples, but would you not do these things at the office? Do you snap at your boss when you're having a bad day? Do you not listen to co-workers when they propose solutions to a problem, even if you don't neccessarily agree? Why would our marriages not get the same respect?

 

If we're so willing to work at our jobs, on our houses, keeping our cars clean, taking care of our children, why is it considered a bad thing to work on our relationships?

 

I think a lot of people have a really bad attitude in this regard. I know my wife and I did for a long time. But we're learning.

[JackJack]

JMO, but I think that anything worth truly having, will take a certain amount of work.

[FearNoMore]

Marriage definitely takes a lot of work. I think a many, many people make the mistake of thinking, why should it be work, if it's work I don't want to do it, if we're compatible why should we have to work. That's a really bad way to look at it. I know my wife and I both thought that for many years. When we first got married we were so madly in love neither of us could do any wrong.

 

But that doesn't last.

 

And I think it just makes it that much more a disappointment when it isn't just "happily ever after" like you imagine it should be.

 

But why is everyone talking like work is a bad thing?

 

Don't most of us get up every day and go to a job? Don't we have to clean the house and cook dinner? If we want to keep our yard looking nice, don't we mow and water it, prune the hedges? Do we jusy say, screw this, this is work, let the grass get knee high?

 

Now, you notice I avoid using the word hard when I say work. It doesn't always have to be hard. When you get to one of those downtimes that people have been mentioning, yes, of course it's hard work. But even in the best of times it's still work. But that doesn't mean it has to be sweaty, dirty manual labor. Giving your spouse a kiss and a kind word is not hard. But it can be work if you don't really feel like it.

 

It takes "work" to come home after a hard day, stressed out and tired, to give your spouse a hug instead of snapping at them. It takes "work" to really listen to your spouse's opinion on a subject when you consider them wrong. Just a couple of examples, but would you not do these things at the office? Do you snap at your boss when you're having a bad day? Do you not listen to co-workers when they propose solutions to a problem, even if you don't neccessarily agree? Why would our marriages not get the same respect?

 

If we're so willing to work at our jobs, on our houses, keeping our cars clean, taking care of our children, why is it considered a bad thing to work on our relationships?

 

I think a lot of people have a really bad attitude in this regard. I know my wife and I did for a long time. But we're learning.

 

I strongly agree with you on this but sometimes even working hard at making a marriage work, it doesn't help. I worked hard to maintain our marriage but he still managed to cheat on me. We worked hard to make it work after discovery day because I loved him too much to let it all go but I can't afford to look at him the same way ever again so we ended it in the end. It hurt both of us deeply. After all the work... it was hard and easy... but still, it wasn't enough.

[Impudent Oyster]

 

But why is everyone talking like work is a bad thing?

 

 

Now, you notice I avoid using the word hard when I say work. It doesn't always have to be hard. When you get to one of those downtimes that people have been mentioning, yes, of course it's hard work. But even in the best of times it's still work. But that doesn't mean it has to be sweaty, dirty manual labor. Giving your spouse a kiss and a kind word is not hard. But it can be work if you don't really feel like it.

 

It takes "work" to come home after a hard day, stressed out and tired, to give your spouse a hug instead of snapping at them. It takes "work" to really listen to your spouse's opinion on a subject when you consider them wrong. Just a couple of examples, but would you not do these things at the office? Do you snap at your boss when you're having a bad day? Do you not listen to co-workers when they propose solutions to a problem, even if you don't neccessarily agree? Why would our marriages not get the same respect?

 

 

I guess I disagree about your definition of work.

 

My husband and I don't consider it work to hug and kiss each other at the end of the day, we don't consider it work to be considerate, we don't consider it work to pick up things for each other that we know the other would appreciate, we don't consider it work to smile at each other, we don't consider being nice and thoughtful as "work". Not in the least.

 

I think those things just come naturally. If giving your partner a hug is "work" then your marriage is in big, BIG trouble.

[reboot]

I guess I disagree about your definition of work.

 

My husband and I don't consider it work to hug and kiss each other at the end of the day, we don't consider it work to be considerate, we don't consider it work to pick up things for each other that we know the other would appreciate, we don't consider it work to smile at each other, we don't consider being nice and thoughtful as "work". Not in the least.

 

I think those things just come naturally. If giving your partner a hug is "work" then your marriage is in big, BIG trouble.

IO, I'm not trying to be argumentative, you are one of the BS role models here IMHO, but your life is much more stress free than my life if you ALWAYS feel like doing these things.

 

I didn't mean giving your spouse a hug was work. I meant doing it every time, even when you're not in the mood, can be work. Or at least a concious decision. And the things I mentioned were just small examples.

 

It's really easy to find yourself grumpy and tired after a long day at work and take it out on your SO. It has taken some work on our part to learn how NOT to do that. I can only applaud you if you and your husband never get in a bad mood and snap or growl at each other without a good reason.

 

Perhaps I am indeed flawed since I don't always do the right thing and have to work towards doing so. I can't pretend to be perfect.

[Impudent Oyster]

Reboot, I'm sorry if I came across as argumentative. I want to reply to you more thoroughly but I'm too busy today, I'll come back tomorrow and explain it a little better, okay?

 

I don't think it's a good idea to be on the computer when your spouse is at home, KWIM?

[Virgo1982]

Smart man....Cobra...STAY THAT WAY!!

 

 

Aww, c'mon. Don't be like that...

[Virgo1982]

:D I hear ya Virgo!! I'm in exactly the same boat... although I'm not so sure I want to get married eventually.

 

And I don't think you're losing your mind at all. Marriage DOES take work. A lot of it. The other person has REALLY gotta be worth it to you. And both parties (not just one of them) have to value each other above all others, in order for it to be successful. IMHO.

 

 

 

I strongly agree with this, based on my experience with my one brief M when I was very young. Madly in love with him, but didn't see the incompabilities until it was too late. I advise my daughter on this (but ONLY because she asks me!!) -- that love is not enough to sustain a long-lasting R. You have to be compatible with each other. And compatible does NOT necessarily mean the same. For example, it works better if he's strong in an area where you're weak... and vice versa.

 

 

 

I strongly DISagree with this!! I've seen couples go through unbelievable struggles in their lives, and it just makes their R a stronger bond. In fact, hardships may even be the catalyst for strengthening it. But I have also seen R's where outside forces have destroyed it. But in those R's, I think the foundation was fatally flawed to begin with.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your post. Your first M is what I want to avoid. It's all a part of being young. Some young, M couples make it work, but many don't realize the importance of compatibility. The ability to compromise can go a long way too.

 

As for your response to Cobra, I think it depends on how weak or strong the two individuals are. No relationship can work without both partners having the desire and strength to make it work. And compatibility makes the difference between how much strength and desire each partner would need. Is that safe to say?

[Virgo1982]

Marriage definitely takes a lot of work. I think a many, many people make the mistake of thinking, why should it be work, if it's work I don't want to do it, if we're compatible why should we have to work. That's a really bad way to look at it. I know my wife and I both thought that for many years. When we first got married we were so madly in love neither of us could do any wrong.

 

But that doesn't last.

 

And I think it just makes it that much more a disappointment when it isn't just "happily ever after" like you imagine it should be.

 

But why is everyone talking like work is a bad thing?

 

Don't most of us get up every day and go to a job? Don't we have to clean the house and cook dinner? If we want to keep our yard looking nice, don't we mow and water it, prune the hedges? Do we jusy say, screw this, this is work, let the grass get knee high?

 

Now, you notice I avoid using the word hard when I say work. It doesn't always have to be hard. When you get to one of those downtimes that people have been mentioning, yes, of course it's hard work. But even in the best of times it's still work. But that doesn't mean it has to be sweaty, dirty manual labor. Giving your spouse a kiss and a kind word is not hard. But it can be work if you don't really feel like it.

 

It takes "work" to come home after a hard day, stressed out and tired, to give your spouse a hug instead of snapping at them. It takes "work" to really listen to your spouse's opinion on a subject when you consider them wrong. Just a couple of examples, but would you not do these things at the office? Do you snap at your boss when you're having a bad day? Do you not listen to co-workers when they propose solutions to a problem, even if you don't neccessarily agree? Why would our marriages not get the same respect?

 

If we're so willing to work at our jobs, on our houses, keeping our cars clean, taking care of our children, why is it considered a bad thing to work on our relationships?

 

I think a lot of people have a really bad attitude in this regard. I know my wife and I did for a long time. But we're learning.

 

And that is why your relationship endures. This was my first POV-with the exception of "enjoying work" part, lol. However, attitude is key in life. So, looking at work as a reflection of love makes perfect sense. You could say you hate working, but you still have to work. Change your outlook. Happiness is a state of mind.

 

People who believe in happily ever after or fairy tales will be slapped with reality at some point and may still choose to disregard reality.

 

Thanks Reboot!

[OpenBook]

As for your response to Cobra, I think it depends on how weak or strong the two individuals are.

 

I don't know... there's a lot of weak married people out there! Some of them are happy, some of them aren't. I think it works when the two partners balance each other out, as I mentioned before.

 

No relationship can work without both partners having the desire and strength to make it work.

 

Absolutely, I agree with this wholeheartedly! How each partner handles their marriage vows is just as important as how they handle each other.

 

And compatibility makes the difference between how much strength and desire each partner would need. Is that safe to say?

 

I'm not sure about that. I guess I'm saying if you're compatible, there is less to overcome. But there is also the boredom factor (and God knows what else) that apparently sets in after many years of marriage. I was only married for 3 years, so I can't render a valid opinion on that. But when I observe other happy long-term M's I notice one thing in common: they treat each other very well. I don't know if they're happy BECAUSE they treat each other well... or if they treat each other well BECAUSE they're happy. Chicken before the egg?