BIL needs to do his share, or get out!

[redfathom]

I am 25, my H is 31 andmy BIL is 22. He has been living with us since we has 16. He grduated college in May and had a temporty job lined up with the college until August. He did not bother to have a job linedup when the temporary one ended and was out of work for a month and a half. He has since been working at his current company for about six weeks. When he graduated over six months ago he said he was going to start paying us more rent. He currently pays us $200 for rent, does not contribute to food or utlities. He has been saying for six months that he will start to pay us another $200 in rent. He is pretty irresponsible. Last week his bank account went negative and I put money in his account to help him (he does not check his bank accoun but every two weeks or so). When I told him what happened, his response was that he was expecting it. He let his insurance relapse two months ago then came down with strep throat last week. He texted me while I was at work because it was a "pain in the a$$" for him to make an appointment at a free clinic and wanted to know if I could help him.

 

Last week he mentioned to me again that he would start paying us an extra $200 a month so last night while my H and him were in the rom with me, I told him that since he only had enough money to pay us what he normally does every month in his account we would deduct that and then when he got paid again we would deduct the other $200.

 

His reply was that he did not mean now, that he is behind on paying some bills and asked if we could wait. He did not say for how long.

 

I wanted to tell him no, we can't. That if we were anyone else besides famiy we would not be cutting him so much slack.

 

To top it off he never cleans, constantly leaves food out to go bad and his window open when we run the A/C and light on. Yesterday I was cleaning up and was pretty pissed off about it and then he get's up after about 30 min. of me cleaning to put his things in his room, he also picked up some of my socks and said called me the "Queen of Socks" as he walked out of the room.

 

That really pissed me off.

 

What should I do? My husband is not on board with me and does anything possible to not offend his brothers which means he usually get;s mad at me and we end up fighting about it.

 

Any suggestions?

[Angelina Nisse]

Tell your husband that either his brother goes, or you will.

 

I suggest having an apartment ready. Sounds like you're the one who'll be moving out.......

[Rachel_0814p]

To top it off he never cleans, constantly leaves food out to go bad and his window open when we run the A/C and light on. Yesterday I was cleaning up and was pretty pissed off about it and then he get's up after about 30 min. of me cleaning to put his things in his room, he also picked up some of my socks and said called me the "Queen of Socks" as he walked out of the room.

 

Well, there are a number of things to try here. You could nail his window shut or start charging him a 1/3 of the utilities. You could stop buying food and leave the cupboards bare while you and your husband eat out each night until he gets the hint. Or you could keep food in your room where he can't get to it. It sucks, but it's effective for keeping food safe. I've done this with piss-poor roommates in the past.

 

When he leaves his sh*t around the house, throw his sh*t away. That's what I do with my soon-to-be stepkids now. They leave all kinds of stuff everywhere and after the 100th time of me reminding them not to, I now just pick it up and throw it away in the outside garbage bin. When they come asking me if I know where such-and-such is, I shrug and say that if they don't even know where their own stuff is, then how should I know where it is as I'm not the keeper of things. And if they find it in the trash, kudos to them for thinking outside the box and they can dig it out. If they don't find it, it's one less thing for them to leave lying around.

 

What should I do? My husband is not on board with me and does anything possible to not offend his brothers which means he usually get;s mad at me and we end up fighting about it.

 

Any suggestions?

 

You need to put your foot down and make your husband understand that he has to take your complaints seriously. If he doesn't, you should leave the home temporarily and stay with parents or friends. If that still doesn't work, then move out for good. I know it seems rash and perhaps impossible, but do you really want a husband who defends his brother's laziness at the expense of your sanity??? You're an adult and a partner, you work hard to take care of your family and your things, and you deserve to be treated with respect and consideration BY EVERYONE in your household.

 

I had similar situation with a husband like that who's best friend, not a brother, was staying with us (against my wishes) and not paying for things, eating all the food, making a mess and disrespecting me. I was young and didn't understand that my F'd up situation could never change because of the type of man I was with. Even when his friend wasn't around, my husband was still the same, never putting me first, everything at my expense. I finally wised up, took control of my situation, and divorced him when I was 24.

 

Of course I don't know your full situation, I'm just going off of what I'm reading. But your husband is a part of the problem. Be firm with what you need from him and make it loud and clear. Hopefully your husband pulls through for you and tells his brother to shape up or ship out.

[redfathom]

I did tell my husband that I was upset that but brother did not have his sh*t together and that it was affecting us and that it had been six months since he graduated college and said he was going to help put more. His response was that his brother would pay us more if he could! Well, he can it's called a second job.

 

 

I actully sperated from my H for a little more a month earlier this year and told both of them part of the reason was that I was sick of doing everything around the house. They both agreed that they would do more, yet things are back to normal. I mean I just called my husband because I tried to pay our mortgage and got locked out of the system so I called and asked him to call them to get us back in and to pay it. I am at work and he is at home sick. He said, "why don't you just call and pay it over the phone." I told him I was at work and asked if he could please do it. He does this all the time. I am at work so I ask him to make me a doctors appt. or such while he is home and he always refuses and asks me to do it.

 

My BIL also mentioned to me yesterday that when he get's paid he is going to buy guitar hero III with is $160. How is it that he can afford to buy a video game when he gets his next pay check but can't pay us the extra $200 because he is behind on bills. HMMMM!!!!

 

I am about ready to hit the road again. The only thing stopping me is that my H is depressed and started meds about two months ago and I don't want to put any pressure on him. But I am loosing my patience.

[Jade 02]

I cant believe that you are still going through this. What the heck,something has gotta give now. You might need to just pack,and hit it. You are driving yourself crazy staying. Do you have a friend you can stay with? Mabey your H will wake up a little bit,mabey even communivate with you about it a little more.

 

I went through the same thing with my stepson. He has been gone over a year now,but does come to spend a night or 2,but knows he cant stay.

(he is 23 too).

 

Check this out my hubby just gave him our dodge pick up with our insurance,and tags still on it,and we just got a parking ticket threat in the mail this week. Guess who has to pay that?

The kid makes more money than us also. Just too spoiled.

 

Your BIL needs to learn respect,and grow up. I still feel bad for ya,but ya gotta do something.

[redfathom]

Wow Jade, that is messed up! What are you going to do about the ticket? Can you do anything?

 

I think before I consider leaving again, I should try being more direct with my husband. Then give him the option of or ultimatum of deciding how important my sanity is.

 

When I am direct with his brother, my H just sits there and does not intervine. That in it's self is irritating.

 

The really hard part is that my BIL and I are good friends and I hate to have to come down on him but I have no choice. I should not feel so bad since it is HIS lack of respect that is ruining our relationship/friendship.

[Jade 02]

Hi red

Well looks like we are going to have to pay for hubby's son's parking ticket,cuz he is irresponsible,and we never know where he is,cuz he flops wherever. So before it goes to court,I think we have to just pay it before the due date. SUX!!! The kid should of paid it when he recieved the ticket on his windshield.

 

Anyways back to you,I remember posting you a while back on another thread about your BIL,and,I thought you have talked to your hubby about this. OHHHHHHH The disrespect is why I LITERALLY kicked stepson out along with hubby(well hubby went with son,and as they were leaving,I said SEEEEE YA!!!!!!! with my lil birdie in the air (jk LOL).

 

You have to put your foot down,and I know its hard,I did it,and I love my stepson,But I couldnt take it anymore. Red ya gotta do something hun now! Or real soon,or its going to drive ya bananas.

 

Have ya tried making some time with BIL,and saying to him that you need to have a heart to heart with him?? Mabey if ya have a sit down serious talk with BIL,and make him see responsibilities ,and all that? Mabey leave hubby out of it. I dont know red,Im just trying to help ya come up with some ways to go about this. Ok,I will be back to check on ya

[redfathom]

Hey Jade,

 

Wow, that sucks! I hope he pays you back some day.

 

I did talk to my H the other day. I told him about his brother wanting to buy that video game when he get's paid on Friday and that I thought it was BS since he said he can't pay us the additional rent like he said he was going to. My h's response, "well, the video games does not cost that much money." I told him it's $100, that is half of what he said he would pay us. I told my H I will be so pissed that if he does buy the game I will tell his bro he has 30 days to find some where else to live.

 

Then my H was quit for a while and then finally said, "I am not ignoring you, I just don't want to discuss this right now." Which is the typical response from him on the issue.

 

So I guess I will just wait to see what happen's. My H always takes this stand with his brothers. His older brother used to come over to the house talking about hoes abd sluts and when I told my H I did not like it and to ask him to stop he told me "to stop being so sensative". WOW right, I mean we have been married seven years and he never had my back when it comes to his brothers. It's very irritating.