She wanted a "normal" guy and she got me, a guy with issues...

[smileysmile]

Nobody knows my story but I have "hurt" my estranged wife BIG time!

This is my second marriage and I put it down to being self destructive in my relationship(s).

I am 41 and I had it all. First time round I met my soulmate when she was 17 and I was 22. We lasted for 12 yrs.

Both times I was the 'dumped' because of my unreasonable behaviour. Not because they didn't love me or that was weren't compatiable.

My second marriage. We met on a dating site and met in person for the first time September 2004. It was a mutual instant attraction and a whirlwind romance where we started living together in 2 mths. Moved into a new 4 bed detached 4 mths later, redecorated the house. Just over a year later she fell pregnant (we were trying) got married when she was 4 mths pregnant, honeymoon in Rhodes, huge b b -q last year in our garden for her 32 family members from the Midlands then baby was born in November. ALL this in 2006!

Now we are in our own houses as our house was put on the market in May 2007 and took just 5 weeks to sell.

Why did we split? Because I am the biggest idiot that walked this planet!

We argued but it was my moods and mind games and the odd MSN message to complete strangers on the net that contributed to the break up. My insecurities right from almost week 4 of her moving temporarily moving into my place I read her 3 years of singleton diaries. In any argument I brought up something. She could have written a novel her literature was that good. We had great times in the short time we were together. She couldn't take anymore. She left because of my behaviour.

 

I want her back BIG time. I want my family BACK!

She is HURT. I hurt her. Which I am reminded of. She is still angry with me. That I have put her in this position. She wanted a "normal" guy and she gets me. A guy with "issues". A guy who in a heated moment brought up his ex wife etc.

I have discovered that she has seeked comfort in a black work colleague who incidentally left 2 mths ago. Apparently only married this June and was/is trying for a family but his now solicitor wife is not wanting to start a family so they are separated but still living together.

When he found out that my ex was separated he persued her. She told him to sort his mess out. But he persisted and now 3 weeks I find out that just one week in my exes new home "they got it on".

She says it is just mutual "light care" for 2 people who have separated and dealing with there sh*t!

They have known each other for 3 years so its not as if my ex picked him off the street and she does like him and fancy him to have to sleep with him. She felt like a 'tramp' after sleeping with him. She texted him this.

But shes fond of him but doesn't think she can trust him. And they haven't gone anywhere together ie cinema, clubs etc.

Her father wouldn't approve either because of his colour.

Anyway, I am sounding confusing as it is late..nothing will come of this but stranger things have happened. He wants my ex but she is saying its company and light relief without any hassle.

As far as I am concerned as long as he is on the scene what chance do I have now?

I am giving her space etc.

I pick our daughter up according to our arrangements. I have only 2 days ago suggested to put our differences to one side and take our 1 yr old daughter to santas grotto and buy a joint xmas prezzie fro her. She said she would think about it and if I was nice. With a sarcy grin.

So I will ring her Sunday (its Friday now) to chat about what time I am picking up our daughter on Monday. I will see if shes thought about it.

My question..getting there now..DUMPERS out there..do you seek or fall into another mans arms for comfort/company and "light relief" from the "hurt" your ex put you through?

OR do you just avoid men/women for months until the hurt has subsided?

We all deal with hurt/anger differently don't we? What does this tell me about my ex?

Also, when you say you have "moved on" do you mean it? Or maybe you think you have but you really haven't. If you are "hurt" that much how come you have got close to a man that quick??

What does a hurt spouse really feel inside about her ex that she could no longer tolerate. She had to get out.

I am still beating myself up. I wish I could undo the hurt and for the rest of my days make it up to her. She is so mad that there might not be a chance to give our daughter a sibling. Because how many men run scared when a single mum has a little un that is her priority. My ex is stunning and she will get a lot of attention. Who knows eh what is around the corner. Some input from a very hurt dumper will help? Is there any light at the tunnel?

[madgun68]

If you are sure that the problems are because of behavior issues you have, then you really should consider getting help in dealing with that. If that is the reason she left, she won't want to come back to more of the same..

 

If you want her back, expect it to take some time. Time for you to change and time for her to see those changes.

 

More than likely, if you two were to get back together right now, it would be more of the same. The chances of you falling back in to that old pattern are high.

[smileysmile]

Sound advice and very encouraging. I agree with what you are saying and thats what she would or anybody would feel.

Its a long uphill struggle. I have to endure this pain I am feeling.

The knowledge she could be getting closer to that guy or maybe she will get feelings for him and I will know no different Maybe she is telling me the truth. He is a comfort blanket?

 

I have to make changes and there is no guarantee she will come back although feelings for me could be rekindled someday and the fact I am the father of her daughter. Its going to be hard for her to when guys may get tired of her prioritizing our daughter before them etc Maybe they won't be able to handle it as she is only 12 mths old.

 

Gawd..will let you guys know if she comes to the grotto...lets see what happens..