my english boyfriend (LDR) vs. my close-knit italian-american family..

[RosieD]

I don't typically seek advice from perfect strangers, but after reading through some threads, I think you all might be able to help me.

 

I am going to try and make a very long story short and compact. . .

 

I have been in a long distance relationship for just over a year. He is my first love, and he lives in England. I have been to England a few times and he has come here a few times this year. My parents are Italian-American(2nd generation) and walk around the house with an heir of "family is above all else!".

The thing is. . . they are 1. not very accepting of my relationship and 2. very controlling of my life and are currently freaking out about my apparent newfound sense of independance. (I graduate from college in May). (and have taken 2 trips to England COMPLETELY against their consent and 1 trip in total secret)

 

On one end of the spectrum, my father pesters me about when I'm going to have my serious talk wtih my bf about HIM moving HERE--starting on the immigration process and thinking about how much he can love America(not so much!) I do talk with my boyfriend about this, and I have since day one...it's sort of an inevitability of a LDR to have to discuss very serious long term issues very early on. Anyway, my father talks about how my bf and I can live 20 minutes away and then if we decide to have kids after we're married him and my mother can babysit. Now, if this isn't a ridiculous amount of planning for someone elses future, I don't know what is! (1. I may not necessarily want to get married (slight-lie) OR have kids(no-lie). Soooo, if you're still with me(thanks for being still with me!) then my dad will start peppering the conversation wtih---

"BECAUSE YOU"RE NEVER MOVING THERE. I'll write you out of the will. YOu'll be dead to us. to leave your whole family and become a stranger. to ahve no part in each others lives. to not be able to come over for dinner on sundays, what a waste. why did i even have a daughter?"

 

Firstly, despite my bf's upstanding character, they obviously feel a growing resentment for him...as in he may steal their baby girl away and he is the root cause of our recent family troubles.

 

secondly, I can not say how sad I feel when I think of living a life out of guilt and fear...which my parents would see as love, for staying here. I feel this is a selfishness on their part.

 

I too am torn, I think I can be very happy living in England, whereas my boyfriend would nto be as happy in America, not to mention he has an established career and already is a homeowner. I think too, how would my plight differ if I had the support of my parents? Would anything feel any easier?

 

If it's not already clear, I love my boyfriend very deeply, and believe I can spend the rest of my life with him. He's truly a unique soul, one that compliments and strengthens mine.

 

In conclusion, HELP ME I"M LOSING MY MIND. =D

 

thank you sooo much in advance, for those who rifled through this emotional wreck of a thread = )

[quankanne]

boy, that's a pretty heavy load of guilt to deal with, and the two of you are only dating!

 

my take on things? Next time your family tries to flick crap at you with "obligation" to family (re: your dad & his threat to disown you), very firmly but gently remind them that loving someone doesn't mean threatening them … that you do not know what the future holds, but you don't appreciate being treated with such disrespect. That you love your dad/mom/sib/family member, but you refuse to be treated like this, especially when nothing is set in stone regarding you and your BF.

 

if your Italian daddy is ANYTHING like my Mexican daddy ("toe the line missy, because I'm the boss," yell-yell-yell-bluster), then being firmly respectful and calling him on his threats will help him to see that you're not trying to stop loving him or seeing him even when your life situation changes. Kinda like being firm with a tantrum-y two-year-old. This isn't meant to come off as disrespectful, just letting them know that you understand their fear, their concerns, their worries, and are handling things as maturely and calmly as possible.

 

of course, I like to get right back in my dad's face and bluster at him the way he does me, because it often breaks the ice since that's his normal "mode" of communication. But you know your dad and how to communicate with him, so you'll know how to approach him.

 

good luck, and don't overly worry about the long-distance thing. If it's truly meant to be between the two of you, things will work themselves out, including your family's attitude. Right now, your folks are afraid of the unknown, but just keep being the mature, responsible adult in dealing with them, and they'll gradually start relaxing and trusting their faith in you.

[RosieD]

Thank you so much, it's a comfort to hear that I'm not a family value-less devil-woman. Okay okay, so I'm toootally exaggerating.

 

I think you've just helped me get the right piece of mind for a good night's sleep. = )

 

 

 

My other thought: Doesn't it seem like a sick sort of irony...to break family unity in hopes of creating a new one? Oh, values. Oh, dear.

[Rachel_0814p]

my take on things? Next time your family tries to flick crap at you with "obligation" to family (re: your dad & his threat to disown you), very firmly but gently remind them that loving someone doesn't mean threatening them … that you do not know what the future holds, but you don't appreciate being treated with such disrespect. That you love your dad/mom/sib/family member, but you refuse to be treated like this, especially when nothing is set in stone regarding you and your BF.

 

That's very good advice!!

 

Also, I think it's probably best to avoid getting too deep into deep and serious conversations about your future whenever possible. And when it does come up, try not to take every instance of your dad popping off so seriously. He just loves you and doesn't know how to show it any other way. When he starts with the threats, just smile and nod and go, "Yeah, yeah" and let it roll off your back. Then change the subject. In those kinds of conversations, the more you push your independence, the more they try to tighten the reigns and squash it out of you.

 

I don't know how old you are, but I suspect early 20s, as you mentioned graduating college soon. I'd suggest moving out of your parents and holding your own apartment (with a roommate or two, of course, to be able to afford it) for atleast 6 months before you make the decision to move to England.

 

Since this is your first love, you really need to make sure that you can take care of yourself first--physically, financially, and emotionally--before you depend on someone else to take care of you in those ways.

 

Also, moving out but staying close to your family initially may be the easiest and gentlest way to ease them into accepting your physical absence when you do decide to jump continents.

[RosieD]

aw, i can't tell you just how sound and comforting I find your advice. An excellent suggestion, thanks for taking the time to read and reply, I truly appreciate it.

 

One last question--- so it's true then? If I do make the decision to move...I shouldn't let my parents influence that decision? (Close, loving family)

[sb129]

Of course you should listen to your parents opinions on the matter, they are your family. But they can't tell you what to do, and YOU have to live your life.

 

I am going to play devils advocate here, and it is a topic that is very very close to my heart and I know alot about, so bear with me.

 

Don't get too serious with your BF at the moment. Its very very easy to get caught up in the novelty of being with someone from another country, especially when you are in your early 20s and its so exciting, and all you can think about is how awesome it would be to live in another country.

 

You are in an LDR, and you haven't actually lived together- things can change dramatically when you do, and if you are moving countries to be with someone, that puts added expectations on the R.

 

I moved to England when I was 23. I am 30 now, and trust me, my attitude towards living in a different country to your family and marrying someone from another country has changed HUGELY in that time.

 

When I left my home country, I didn't look back. I was sick of it, i couldn't wait to leave, and I honestly thought I would never go back.

 

England was new, exciting, vibrant, full of hot English guys who thought I was hot, and who loved my accent, and life was a ball.

 

I had a few English boyfriends, and I bought a house with one. But then the doubts started to creep in.

 

I will continue in a sec...

[sb129]

The doubts were-

 

which one of us has to live thousands of miles from their family? one of us has to. How do we decide?

Does he mean it when he says he will come home with me?

Will he resent me for it?

What about kids? Isn't it tough to ferry grandchildren about on long haul flights twice a year so they can see their grandparents?

All our spare money will be spent on said flights- we will never get to travel anywhere else, because we will feel guilty if we do.

What about if one of our parents gets sick and we can't get to them?

Will the one who isn't living in their home country worry that they will lose their national identity?

 

There were also many many other factors, little cultural differences that weren't as apparent when we first got together, since our cultures are very similar in many respects, but quite different in others.

 

The doubts ruined that R, and when I moved onto the rebound one shortly after, I realised that THAT BF would never move to my country with me, bc he has kids in England. How could I make him choose? (BTW- that R was doomed from the start and there was more to it than that)

 

As I got older, I thought, I can't do this. My best friend is from my country and is married to an English man, and they have a little boy. Luckily they both have very very supportive families and can afford all the flying back and forth, but I know its a source of guilt for my friend that her son only sees his paternal grandparents regularly.

 

Anyway, guess what?? A little over a year ago, i met a guy online who is from my home country.

It was sooo spooky- he is from the same region as me, his dad knows my uncle, and if I believed in fate, I would think it played a part in this.

 

Our R has been amazing from day 1. we just fit together so well, all those cultural differences and problems I had with my prev Rs are non existent, and we understand eachother so well. We both agree that if we had met when we were 23-25 we wouldn't have looked twice at eachother, so determined were we NOT to end up with someone from our country.

 

We are moving back to our country next July, and we are getting married at the beginning of 2009. Our families are ecstatic!!

 

I miss home now, I want to bring my children up the way I was brought up, in the same place, and I want my parents to be around when I have them.

 

I guess the moral of this is

 

You don't know what you have got until its gone.

 

There ARE people out there who have amazing Rs with people of different nationalities, and they make it work, but believe me, they are the minority.

I have had the opportunity to talk to many people about this topic, and most people agree.

 

BUT. You are young, and are probably shaking your head at an old cynic like me!

 

By all means, go to England, have a blast, but never say never, and don't take things too seriously for now.

[quankanne]

One last question--- so it's true then? If I do make the decision to move...I shouldn't let my parents influence that decision? (Close, loving family)

 

listen to their advice, pay heed to their fears or worries, then do what is best for you or your career at that point in time. Just be sure to reassure your family (or your BF, if that's the case), that you'll never be more than a phone call or email away. Not that it's the same as being able to pop over to their house in 10 minutes, but then again, it's not like you'll be completely cut off from those who love you.

[Rachel_0814p]

One last question--- so it's true then? If I do make the decision to move...I shouldn't let my parents influence that decision? (Close, loving family)

 

I don't think you should let your parents' selfish reasons influence your decision. If they don't want you to go because they want to continue to control your life, or because they expect you to have grandchildren that they can babysit and dote on and brag to their friends about, or because they in their limited thinking think that a girl's place is with her family forever just because, or simply that they're not ready emotionally to let you go, well, then no, that sort of selfish thinking should not influence your decision.

 

On the other hand, their reasonable, logical reasons for not wanting you to go so far away (such as safety, worries about how you'll be able to adapt to living in a totally new country without them to be there to help you, etc.) are things you should pay attention to and consider, but not be allowed to run your life. Does that make sense?

 

If your family is as loving as you say, even if you left to England against their wishes and things didn't work out there and you came crying home, they'd be waiting and welcoming you back with arms wide open.

 

Just realize that if you make any sort of decision that is different from the decision they want you to make, you're going to be in for it. So try to keep in mind that they'll eventually adjust to whatever you decide and at some point in your life you're going to have to do the uncomfortable thing and pull away from them. It's part of growing into your own person. Follow your heart on this one. If your heart wants to go to England, more power to you. It will be an awesome experience and you'll grow into a more experienced, mature person for it. Your boyfriend might turn out to be the man of your dreams and you might be happy living in England for the rest of your lives. You'll never know until you try. If you don't try, you'll always wonder "what if".

 

Just do things smart. Do your best to maintain your relationship with your parents through everything, no matter how strained things become. Even if they stop speaking to you for a while, continue to call or write. Build circumstances that work in your favor, such as ensuring that if you get to England and realize it was a mistake, you can take care of yourself there while you work on moving back. Write out a list of everything you're worried about (not your parents' worries) and discuss in detail everything with your boyfriend several times before making your final decision to go. Finally, get your friends' support so that you have someone to come back to in case things don't go well in England and your father is still on non-speaking terms when you get back.

[burning 4 revenge]

I generally don't like most Italians, but they are Catholics, so they are brothers in a way. I think English culture is a lot cooler, but in the end they are heretics mostly. So I have to go with the Italians Im afraid

[RosieD]

they are the minority.

 

 

Well thank you for having a broad enough mind to realize that not all cases will end like yours. I apologize if that sounds blunt or rough, I sincerely do not mean it that way.

 

It's hard for you to give me a completely appropriate response to my situation, since I've omitted many details. But I appreciate you sharing your story.

 

I'm a very bright, rational girl and have considered the "doubts" you described. At this point, moving there is not a viable option, and from day one I stipulated my unwillingness to move there(family related) and he told me of his eventual willingness to move here.

 

I'm just really putting things in perspective, and trying to grasp the weight of the situation. People DO move away from loving families, and those families stay loving. The truth is, right now I do not know what I want. I do know I want to stay with my boyfriend and that I don't want to cause my parents deep heartache/make them feel like failures and or ****. So, I'm trying to just take it one day at a time, while also having goals to hope and head towards in the future. I need a structure, the structure can be flexible, but I need to at least vaguely know where I'm going in life, it's just the way I operate. So, these things need to, at the very least, be in the back of my mind; currently they've managed to hustle their way to the forefront!

 

Oh dear, life is complicated huh?

[sb129]

I was just like you seven years ago, and I know many people in the same situation. However much you say you have "thought" about it, you have NO idea what it will be like until you have LIVED the situation.

 

Visiting a country and living in a country are two totally different experiences. However, you have to experience the difference to know that!

 

By all means, GO to England, living in another country is a fantastic experience that college grads should have. Or if your BF comes to the US, appreciate that it will be very difficult for him at times.

 

I actually resent you saying this:

 

Well thank you for having a broad enough mind to realize that not all cases will end like yours.

 

Because it insinuates that I haven't given this topic an enormous amount of thought over the many, many years I have battled with it. Believe me, I have. It has caused me an enormous amount of pain and frustration.

 

It also insinuates that the end result of my "story" is an undesirable one, which is far from the case. I am happier now than I have ever been. As you mature, your outlook is likely to change to, hopefully you can reach a happy compromise.

 

One last word of advice: going to a foreign country without your parents knowledge (ie deliberately not telling them) is selfish and very very inconsiderate.

 

How on earth do you think they would feel if anything happened to you while you were away?

[sb129]

Your boyfriend might turn out to be the man of your dreams and you might be happy living in England for the rest of your lives. You'll never know until you try. If you don't try, you'll always wonder "what if".

 

Just do things smart. Do your best to maintain your relationship with your parents through everything, no matter how strained things become. Even if they stop speaking to you for a while, continue to call or write. Build circumstances that work in your favor, such as ensuring that if you get to England and realize it was a mistake, you can take care of yourself there while you work on moving back.

 

This is good advice, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. Family bonds are pretty hard to sever completely.

 

I know you think I am being a big old cynic and you think you know better than I do RosieD, I wouldn't have listened to me 7 years ago either. I had to learn and mature and grow as a person the hard way, believe me, and I am not done yet!!

 

In actual fact, I wouldn't change anything, because I appreciate my fiance 100x more than I would have if I hadn't gone through all that anguish.

 

I really do hope that things work out in a happy way for you, but just remember, in cases like this, love sometimes isn't enough to conquer all.

[Citizen Erased]

I generally don't like most Italians, but they are Catholics, so they are brothers in a way. I think English culture is a lot cooler, but in the end they are heretics mostly. So I have to go with the Italians Im afraid

 

So am I your ideal person? Catholic and English?

[sb129]

I don't know why, but this thread has really got me thinking. I don't usually take LS issues away from the computer!

 

My situation is totally different from the OPs in the respect that my family have always been 100% supportive of me and my decisions regarding travel and relationships. If I had decided to stay in England on a permanent basis, they wouldn't have tried to change my mind, even if they had been upset about it.

 

I don't know how I would have behaved had they reacted in the way that RosieDs family have.

 

Also, RosieD, its interesting to note that your family are Italian-American. Presumably this means that not too many generations ago, they were themselves immigrants.

Have any of them travelled back to Italy?

 

I wonder if they would have the same reaction if your BF was Italian?

[burning 4 revenge]

So am I your ideal person? Catholic and English?

Hmm, you always did remind me a bit of Sebastian Flyte.

[Citizen Erased]

Hmm, you always did remind me a bit of Sebastian Flyte.

 

As in the teddy bear carrying, nanny loving drunkard?

 

Is it bad I usually know what you are talking about?

[burning 4 revenge]

As in the teddy bear carrying, nanny loving drunkard?

 

Is it bad I usually know what you are talking about?

:laugh: Darlin_Coco I think you're the only other person on earth who gets most of my references

 

And you could be compared to worse people, Lord Flyte was probably the only man I ever met who could make carrying a teddy bear look like an elegant accessory

[Citizen Erased]

:laugh: Darlin_Coco I think you're the only other person on earth who gets most of my references

 

And you could be compared to worse people, Lord Flyte was probably the only man I ever met who could make carrying a teddy bear look like an elegant accessory

 

Could be just coincidence, but we're just very special I think

 

I'm sure Beau Brummel could have given Flyte a run for his money, that man could wear anything...well until he pissed off the regent and went broke anyway.

[burning 4 revenge]

Could be just coincidence, but we're just very special I think

 

I'm sure Beau Brummel could have given Flyte a run for his money, that man could wear anything...well until he pissed off the regent and went broke anyway.

Beau Brummel and Sebastian Flyte are two good reasons to admire the English. They say Lucky Luciano was a spiffy dresser, but I'm sure the London society would have laughed him back to the Lower East Side

[Citizen Erased]

Beau Brummel and Sebastian Flyte are two good reasons to admire the English. They say Lucky Luciano was a spiffy dresser, but I'm sure the London society would have laughed him back to the Lower East Side

 

He was Sicilian right? No way could he compete. Even Horatio Nelson looked better and he had one hand and one barely working eye It was the uniform of course Emma Hamilton was one lucky woman.

[burning 4 revenge]

He was Sicilian right? No way could he compete. Even Horatio Nelson looked better and he had one hand and one barely working eye It was the uniform of course Emma Hamilton was one lucky woman.

On second thought Im not sure if anyone anywhere would laugh at Lucky Luciano. That looks like a guy who enjoys his line of work

 

I have to confess I didn't know who Emma Hamilton was until I wikipeded her, so you've one upped me:o

[Citizen Erased]

On second thought Im not sure if anyone anywhere would laugh at Lucky Luciano. That looks like a guy who enjoys his line of work

 

I have to confess I didn't know who Emma Hamilton was until I wikipeded her, so you've one upped me:o

 

Too true unfortunately

 

Whoa. I feel privliged Well I'm obsessed with the Regency period and art history so pretty much the only reason why I came across her.